thursday, august 2, 2001
new things - old things

i saw the man who talks to himself lastnight in evanston. this time he wasn't at the tasty resturant - he was in the toy store... then i saw him walking near the bank. both times he was in heavy conversation with himself.

my friend mentioned to me that i seem to notice people like this guy. and i do. i can't help but feel some "connection" (?) maybe??? i don't think that's a very good word for it though. in fact, as i write this i'm thinking that perhaps noticing people like this guy is actually just a learned behavior from before i was feeling better. it was a way to identify with something because i certainly didn't feel connected to anything for a very long time.

i'm a bit concerned that forgeting about people like him - or not noticing them the way i do that i may forget where i've been. lastnight i was trying to sleep. i was sorta caught up in thinking about how well i'm doing and then some sadness about where i've been. i think i was actually feeling sorry for the person i have been for the last 4 or 5 years. yeah, i think that was it. i was definitely feeling sorry for "her".

here's where i start thinking too much...... trying to sleep i realized that i was sorta mad at myself for feeling so good.... that i was angry that this "new woman" that i am (as jonathan puts it) has completely forgotten about who she was. and, at the time, i wasn't sure i really liked this new person who has a great job, friends and a great guy to spend time with... money to do just about whatever she'd like to do..... all these things that didn't seem to exist for the the old jami.... (like i said, i'm thinking way, way too much) however, i decided lastnight that i'm not going to try to forget everything. in fact, i think remembering that stuff can make me grateful for where i am today. it can sorta be a reminder of where i could end up if i don't continue to take care of myself. the good stuff is really good.... but i need to remember to do the self-care stuff - it is soooo important if i want to stay this "new woman". so........

i've got lots to do today. just wanted to check in and update. Turtle, I miss talking to you - of course...... what's going on with you? email me damn it! talk to you all soon.......

saturday, august 4, 2001
journalling (one l or two?)

i realize tonight that i write because i'm lonely...... well, actually, i started writing because i was lonely. it's different now. i'm not so lonely. and, consequently i write less - a lot less. it used to be nothing for me to got through 8-9 pages front and back in my paper journal every day. my journal was never far from me. any scary thought and sad realization and i put it down. it was exactly what it was suppose to be for me - an outlet. so tonight i walked into my bedroom to get my journal and i decided to just leave it there on the floor. i don't have anything to say.... or maybe i have way too much to say and i'm overwhelmed.

so here i am trying it this way? just can't seem to open up and let it out. there was a time that i just threw it all out here for you to read. maybe i feel like i know you too well now and don't want to embarass myself or something. or.... maybe i'm afraid of scaring you away. maybe you'll see a part of me that you don't like... or perhaps a better word would be understand. maybe you won't understand how i can be this insecure, this person who struggles every minute with feelings...

but, why should i care really? if you decide to read this then i either trusted you enough to think that you probably do care about me and it won't push you away or i don't really care what you think......... ha, if you really know me you know that's bullshit. i do care. i care too much about things... i once had someone tell me that i am an overly passionate person. is that possible? and, if so, what could be wrong with it? so, bottomline is that i do care what you think....

i think that's a problem... caring too much. tonight i realize that maybe i really need to settle down a bit and take care of me... i need to stop taking things so personally.... let go a little... but see... the thing is that when i stop taking things personally i stop taking care of myself. i need to be selfish. i think everyone does now and then. my feelings were really hurt tonight. i'm stuck between trying to not take this thing personally and really doing what i need to do for myself. i don't think there's much i can write about it. i should just take myself off to bed for the night.

thanks again for being here.... for accepting who i am here....... hmmm.... life will go on... take care.

monday, august 6, 2001
journaling is spelled with one l

Idol

Looking up to your warm hearted smile
thinking nothing but you are my idol.
I want to be able to be you,
I want to do the things you do.
You cheer me up when I'm down.
You make me smile and take my frown.
Before I'd mope around in fear,
but now I know that you are here,
To make me happy when I'm sad.
To cheer me up when I'm mad.
--- Lisa K, 1995


this is from a student that i had in '95. obviously i had some connection with this girl. what's amazing is that at the same time she was going through bad stuff at home - i was living with a man who was either verbally abusing me or physically abusing me.... one or the other usually all the time. if he wasn't abusing me he probably wasn't home. if he wasn't home he was probably doing things that a husband shouldn't be doing. i don't know for sure that he was cheating on me - he never admitted to it. but, there were times when he was "caught" by the school he taught for or other people. there were phone calls in the middle of the night from girlies at the school..... he called them pranks.... i was too stupid to admit that they were really something else.

however, in the middle of all the chaos there was Lisa.... i'm sure there are a million and one psychological reasons for the connection i had with Lisa. anyway, if you knew me you wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong with my life... well, unless you saw me with the bruises under my eyes or the missing hair in my head.... but then i think i did (sickeningly enough) an amazing job at covering that up for a while too. like i said... anyway, back to the connection with Lisa. i helped her make her life more acceptable she'd tell me. she's not the only one i've heard that from. for many different reasons i've "helped" kids.

ya know, as teachers we think we can help the world i guess. but that wasn't why i decided to teach. and it isn't the reason i return every fall. in fact, knowing that i'll teach kids who are going through abuse in some way really takes it out of me. but i return anyway.... and at least once a year i get a poem or a card or something like the piece above. and at least once a year i hear a story the completely tears me up inside - a situation i usually can't do anything about but listen to. i'm grateful that God gave me the talent to teach. or maybe it's just the desire to teach. with the teaching goes the listening i suppose.

i suppose...

wednesday, august 8, 2001
it's HOTTT

it's been a week and a half now that i've been on vacation. i'm so bored that i'm actually doing laundry.... walking up and down the back steps - 3 flights in a million degree weather... going into the scary basement and doing my trick with the clothes. then i'm hauling up all the HOT now dry clothes and have to fold them and put them away and this is a really long sentence. *smile* but anyway....

hi

yes, it is truely a million degrees outside. i just check yahoo weather! it said 1,000,000 degrees. ok..... maybe not. but it sure as hell feels like it. i've got all the air conditioners running and it's still 84 degrees in my apartment. blah! and here's the insane part of it all. Mimsie is laying out in the dining room where there isn't any air conditioning. i think she believes she's an African Lionness or something. that or she's a damn freak! Mimsie is no short haired kitty either. nope... she's got that fluffy fluffy stuff that comes off and attaches it to everything! so yeah. she's a freak and is hanging out in the room without air. i'm tempted to lock her in my bedroom where there is air. not that it'd help. it's still damn hot with the air.

ok. so i made my point about the heat. now what? i believe this entry is just a free writing type. i don't have anything profound to say. i really don't have anything to do either. woops, i need to check the laundry. great. i get to fold DAMN hot laundry on a DAMN hot day. oh well. it'll keep me entertained for at least 15 minutes. talk to you later. jami

thursday, august 9, 2001
homeless people in the rain

there i stood on the corner of Hubbard and Dearborn looking straight up into the sky.... watching the rain drop softly from above. i love a nice, soft rain. i like the way it feels as it gently touches my body. it doesn't even feel wet. if it's the right kind of rain it feels like silk against my skin.

next thing i knew i was in a cab heading back up to my apartment when i noticed a homeless man with his cart wheeling it down the bike path next to the lake. i wondered, suddenly, if he likes the rain as much as i do..... then i saw a cart but no one was with it.... i didn't get to look around much but i couldn't find anyone near it. i'm guessing that one doesn't like the rain. as the cab turned the corner onto Lawerence i glanced over underneath Lakeshore Drive to find a man there hiding from the rain.

i've been angry about the homeless situation. angry that the city lets them just congregate in the parks on the northside. they rush them out of Lincoln Park and Old Town. but they let them gather near Lawerence and Foster. Hordes of them.... i'm tired of hearing the City say they are just a waste of time to work with. "they" don't want help. "they" are addicts and care about nothing more than their next fix. while there is a bit of truth to the statements it pisses me off none-the-less. "they" are sick. but many of them are dual diagnosed or would be. they have mental problems that are completely over shadowed by the fact that they use drugs to cope with the illnesses.

let me tell ya... i can see why they do. there have been times in my illness that i wished i had just a little of something to help me NOT feel the pain and suffering i was going through. but i was lucky to have prescription drugs to help me get through the tough times. these people aren't so lucky. either they've been brought not having had aid to help with illness or they don't have the money nor the ability to ask for help. it's cheaper and easier to sleep with someone for the right drugs... or beg for them. i shouldn't make such generalizations. but the government does whenever they suggest that all of "them" are worthless bums.

we are finally getting some relief from the hot weather. at the moment it's thundering and lightening. i'm going to grab my cup of coffee and my book and go enjoy it all on my back porch. i'm sad about the homeless guy riding his bike in the rain. i think i'll just hold onto the idea that maybe he likes the rain as much as i do. until next time......... stay cool if ya can!

friday, august 10, 2001
in the morning i will sing - david gray

i went looking for someone i left behind
yeah but no-one just a stranger did i find
i never noticed hadn't seen it as it grew
the void between us where the flame turns blue
--- david gray, flame turns blue from Lost Songs

i'm sure this song was written for someone that he lost. but as i put it in the player and started to listen the lines struck me deep. i've been going through a lot of changes lately - very good changes. every now and then i catch myself trying to go back to where i was... trying on the old behaviours one more time. they are really feeling ackward these days and that's a very good thing.

good morning

i'm sooooo very happen to announce that it has dropped down to 80 degrees. what a cold wave..... it is really beautiful out right now. turned the air off... opened the windows and sat down here to write about something. not sure what it was that i had in mind. i was just drawn to the page. so here i am.

i ran into an aquaintance online lastnight. i'm not sure if that the right word to describe him. i guess i should say that i ran into someone that i've talked to before. he asked what i was up to i told him i was writing a journal entry as i bounced around in the chat room. he asked if he could read it. i warned him that it gets rather dark sometimes but i gave him the addy anyway. he disappeared. when he returned the first thing he said to me was that i'm very deep. i think it was a complement. he said that i see things in a very different way. that i have a compassion for people that can be felt through the words i use to describe them. he could see the homeless man pushing his cart in the ran....

of course i don't feel like i do any of that...... but if my words come off that way i guess i should feel pretty good. especially since lately i feel like i can't write anything to save my life. i suppose the good news is that i don't have to write to save my life. lol. i guess i'm going to go grab my book... head out to the back porch and drink some coffee.... it really is a beauitful day. i don't have to think about the things in the past. i can focus completely on what is happening right here and right now - let the void between now and then grow bigger... take care - talk soon.

by the way... Noah is back. this time he's just doing a photo journal. he's incredibly talented. you definitely need to just take a nice cool sunday morning... a cup of coffee and tackle his site. it's truely amazing.

good morning

sunday, august 12, 2001
i need you

there is a freedom in your arms and it carries me through.....

hi, that's from a song i'm listening to at the moment. that line could have a half dozen different meanings behind it. i don't think i'll try to narrow it down to one. those of you who mean the most to me will understand it.

what should i talk about? should it be the homeless man by my bf's? what about the conversation i had with bf about caring so much for perfect strangers? or, the fact that i'm pissed off that David is such an ass at this point... i just don't know.

what do you think about the following statement: to hate someone is to still have feelings for that person.

i'm wondering if this is such a bad thing? having feelings for someone or something doesn't necessarily mean they are romantic feelings..... right? for instance, up until not long ago i think i associated them ALWAYS with caring or loving or wanting someone..... or something. but jonathan hounds me a lot to talk about feelings i have for this or that and they aren't always good things... or whatever i said back there.

i talked to david on friday and i'm quite sure he lied to me again. that makes me angry! anger is a feeling. so..... do ya see where i'm going with this? hrmmm. i'm not sure i do. i mean, it's just the act... that's all he is anymore... just an act to me. i'm sorry that he's sick. i'm sorry that he's stuck and doesn't want any support.... actually, i'm sorry that back when i was willing to show support i'm sorry he didn't want it. i'm not willing to do it anymore. i'm done. but still i have feelings about the situation. oh. i don't know.

i guess that's all i have tonight. i'm frustrated as hell at the moment. i don't like thinking that i'm thinking about the david thing too much. i just hate to be lied to soooo much. i know that is what's going on. i just want to let go and deal with whatever happens. geeeesh. *sigh*

i'm going to my new school tomorrow for the first real time.... i'm excited. i probably won't sleep :(

take care - talk soon.

monday, august 13, 2001
every time i'm close to you
there's too much i can't say

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside
But we can't be heard
--- sarah mcLaughlin, i will remember you

have you ever felt like there was soooo much inside that you wanted to talk about but just couldn't get to it? or, have you ever sensed that someone wanted to tell you something but they just wouldn't let themselves?

hi

i'm in a pretty damn good place right now. things are moving along at a pace i can actually keep up with. in fact, there are moments where i wish it'd move a bit quicker but i am absolutely NOT going to complain.

jonathan wonders why i can't seem to talk to him about the goodness in my life. i tried to tell him that it wasn't that he's my therapist.... it's just him. he's jonathan... i've been closer to him than i have been to anyone in my life. it's sorta that i look up to him in a way that i can't remember ever looking up to anyone... it's like everyday i try to have his perfect life. or, the "perfect" life that i imagine he has. he's God to me... he's Superman... all those heroes wrapped up in one. and for this reason i'm embarassed to talk to him about the good things....

don't worry, that didn't make much sense to me either

i can not find the words to say i need you so... more Sarah lyrics... what am i trying to say here? geesh. things are good. my therapist is confused as to why i don't talk to him about these good things. i think i'd be taking the easy way out if i told him i was afraid to talk about them for fear it'd make them bad all of a sudden. you know, one of those "knock on wood" things.

in reality i think it's more along the lines of my feeling like the things that excite me are simple... a guy i dated once used the saying "simple pleasures for simple minds". maybe i feel like i'm simple minded because of my illness. and while i am really recovering i still feel like my stuff is so simple.

truth is... i am excited about my life for the first time in a VERY long time. jonathan is someone important in my life and i need to share with him these things. if anyone is going to be happy for me it's going to be him. i see him wednesday... we'll see what i can do.... take care - talk soon

tuesday, august 14, 2001
i wish that i could cry
fall upon my knees
here comes the sun again
to see me through

i thought that maybe i would move my site.... too many people i know read me. it occured to me that if i did i might not have any readers though... lol...

i thought maybe i've been holding back because of the people reading this... the fact that i know some of you... but then i realized that it's probably not that. i've been holding back in my paper journal also. so much so that i'm hardly writing in it anymore.

you can all sleep tonight
i'm not that crazy...

looking for special things inside of me...

hi

i'm not moving. i'm going to hang out here and continue to write about the things i want to write about. i almost want to apologize to those of you that i freak out but i can't. if i was going to do something like that i'd just move the site and not tell you.

so sit back and hold on. that's my last warning. this is my place to talk about the homeless people... the thoughts that run through my head late at night... the loves and the losses... the frustrations... and, yes, the good things too. i'll figure out how to get all down again.

today is amazing. the weather is great. lauren (my friend not roommate) is coming over this afternoon. i'm not feeling real well but it'll be good to see her so i'm going to just suck it up. i suppose this is all i've got at the moment. so, take care - talk soon.

thursday, august 16, 2001
on and on and on and on

this five for fighting cd is great!

hi,

hmmm... two little boys are out back in the alley playing catch.

my Gramma Eloise bought me my first mitt, bat and softball. the mitt was red, white and blue. i saw Sammy Sosa's mitt the other day during a game and it looks a lot like my cheapy little red, white and blue one - i'm guessing his cost more than mine did. my Grampa Young taught me throw. i'm left-handed but the mitt Gramma got me was for a right-handed person so i learned to throw right-handed. i don't guess i do too bad.

i didn't see my Grampa Young much growing up. but i remember that day he took me outside... started a couple of feet apart and tossed me that ball. step back - toss, step back - toss. i don't remember if anyone else was there - just remember Grampa Young. he didn't talk to me much. or, i don't remember having talked to him much - not even that day.... just step back and toss.

i don't guess he thought about what a monster he was creating by teaching me how to throw and catch. but a monster he did create. that's all i wanted to do growing up... play baseball! yup, baseball. my little town didn't have a softball program until i got really good at baseball. i still think they created the league because i was showing up their boys. i was a damn good baseball player!

when i wasn't playing ball on saturday i'd ride my bike into town to see who was. i'd chase the boys around some. but i was really there to see the games. besides, the boys weren't interested in me until Jimmy came along. i think he liked me only because i was a good ballplayer. Jimmy and i hung out for a couple of summers together. when he started junior high he realized that girls did other things besides play catch. i wasn't his type anymore so he moved on.... in fact, most of the boys lost interest in me about that time. lol.

i kept playing though! the other day my bf and i played some catch and i couldn't help but thinking about Gramma Eloise, my red, white and blue mitt and Grampa Young. they were right there with me... along with all the other memories of playing ball... they always will be! Gramma and Grampa really made a huge impact on my life. i can't begin to tell ya all about where i've been and what i've done because of that mitt and that day with Grampa.

monday, august 20, 2001
moderngypsy is back!

i can't believe she's back! my life is now complete - lol. seriously though, she's awesome! back in the old days i'd read noah, faith and her and my day would start. life is good!

hi

a few years ago i had a conversation with a friend of mine about his love for his girlfriend. he told me he was in love with her but he wasn't sure it was a lasting love. that confused the hell out of me.... after all, love is love - either you are in love or you aren't... it doesn't have degrees. at least it didn't have degrees until recently.

that's all i want to say. take care - talk soon!

tuesday, august 21, 2001
i don't know what to say

what have i done here today?
don't people want to know
where you've been and where you go?
i don't know what to say

i always worry about what everyone else thinks about me. usually i'm wondering if they think i'm crazy. knowing that i'm not i want to run around with a little sign saying "I'M NOT CRAZY". but then they really would think i'm nuts and perhaps i really would be. i don't plan on doing this anytime soon - at all actually.

guess that's it for today. take care - talk soon

saturday, august 25, 2001
you make me feel real

is it time for a new entry?

i've been damn insecure lately. it's especially evident when it comes to my bf. everytime i turn around it seems like i'm worried about whether he really likes me. it's not like he gives me any reason to believe he doesn't. i guess i feel like he's the greatest thing that has happened to me in such a long time - i don't want to lose him. he makes me feel real!

here ya go - think about this... he tries something on - comes to me and asks what i think of it. if it doesn't look right and i tell him he changes - no big deal... end of issue... NOW, if it's me... oh boy... i try something on and ask him his opinion. if he doesn't like it i worry about how he didn't like something about me for the next several days. it's nuts! tell me this just a girl thing.

anyway. i am feeling a bit insecure. i'm worried that as i get closer to him i'm also getting closer to being hurt. again, i suppose it's a typical girl thing. i'm in love with him... he's not in love with me. it's odd for me. i'm so accustom to the guy falling for me before i actually fall for him. not this time......... don't get me wrong. i don't want him telling me something he doesn't believe. i'm trying to be patient.... i'm trying not to freak out completely - cash it in and go away.... um, that's not something i'd do anyway. ok, i'm going for now. take care - talk soon.

monday, august 27, 2001
12:00 midnight - Monday morning

she walks to the door. the fear she's feeling is unexplainable - but it's there. they told her that she's simply afraid of what is to come. afraid she won't be ready for what is instore for her. she thinks they are right. as she turns the doorknob she's saying to herself - "hold it together. keep it together." they say she can. she's got the power inside herself to make great things happen. can't she just take a second and turn around - look at what she's done in the last year..... she decides not to turn the knob - decides to look back for a moment. it's all there - plain as day. life has been good to her... or maybe she's been good to life.

friday, august 31, 2001
no strings attached

lastnight i walked into therapy and there on the table set a book i'd loaned jonathan and the writings i'd given him since i started with him a couple years ago. actually, september is 2 years that i've worked with him...

so picked up the writings and started paging through them. jon said he thought it was amazing to see how far i'd come. i quickly decided that i didn't want to read 'em. i said thank you and was ready to move on.

yesterday was my first official day at my new school. i was so tired when i got home that my eyes burned. i decided to cash it in early and go to bed. but there they were... my writings... sitting there on the floor. i reached down, picked them up and started "looking" at them not reading them. next thing i knew i WAS reading them... one at a time... i started to cry.

how'd jonathan know i'd changed? as soon as i started reading them i realized just how he could tell. but something weird happened. reading it all brought those feelings back to the surface. i immediately picked up the phone and left a message for jon telling him that i didn't understand - if i'd grown since i wrote all of it why were the emotions still so raw?

it was a bit frightening. i didn't know if reading it all would plunge me back into the disgusting mess i had spent so much time in. i was afraid i'd wake up this morning back where i'd started.

the good news is that i woke up this morning right here - not 2 years ago in a nasty psych hospital.... i went to school. i got a lot of work done. and, here i am doing just fine. i don't know if there is a moral to this story or not. possibly just a lesson to be learned. or maybe it's just an important observation that i'm making. i have grown. i'm not attached to those places i was in back then. i'm free - no strings attached!