friday, august 2, 2002
courage
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And dance like no one is watching
-- author unknown
sunday, august 4, 2002
hot august day
i'm at my parents. i don't know how this weekend will turn out. the last time i was here i ended up in the hospital. but i'm not going there anymore.... so.... i'm sure i'll be fine. it's damn hot here. not a thing to do except prance around the chatrooms. but they aren't so great of fun at the moment anyway.
well, i had 3 interviews last week. i don't know how well they went. i'm not sure the one i wanted is really something that i do want now. that one is in business... the other two were for teaching jobs. i'm getting alot of hassel about teaching right now because i screwed up last year and didn't finish the year (hospital). and, they are questioning whether i am really licensed or not. i don't know what i am but they've let me teach for two years this way.
i'm also planning to move near the end of the month - possibly september. i can't afford to stay where i am. i think i'll end up going back to laura's house. it's a two bedroom and it's realitively inexpensive. i just don't like moving and i have so much stuff. but we'll see how that goes when the time get's closer. i can't make enough money to pay any of the people i borrowed from back AND still pay for living expenses.
i'll figure it out. i just know that i have a lot on my plate right now and i'm just praying that i'll get through it ok. keep your fingers crossed for me....
monday, august 5, 2002
monday, monday
every now and then i have to remind myself and readers of this site that this is my dumping ground... i don't necessarily think before i write any of it. it's just raw emotion. raw thoughts. i never mean to upset someone or make them mad. but, sometimes people read it and get depressed. i'm sorry for that. i care about all of you and don't ever wish to upset someone. so, i guess i just want people to understand that this is a place for dumping things. try to make it exciting and sometimes i just try to get my emotions out. i hope those of you who need to read this ... do read it. i'll have more later..
tuesday, august 5, 2002
sleep to dream
-- fiona apple
I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care
I got my feet on the ground and
I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and
you're not at all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice
cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you,
don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I can't abide
i've used these lyrics before and probably for the same reason..... i'm pissed today but i'll get over it. i just don't play games well. mainly because i hate to lose. i think the last verse that i have there is the one that gets me most. i'm just not use to someone running away when they really just need to sit still and be honest... it's hard to have relationships period... i'm angry today but i'm also very sad....
wednesday, august 7, 2002
getaway
-- train
i've been feeling awful lonely lately. i have a friend that i talk to and he keeps me pretty happy. but when it's all said and done... at night when i put my head down on that pillow, i'm alone. i know it's just that i have so much i have to do. i'm overwhelmed and that puts me in weird places during the day. but i'm going to keep going.... keep trying...
the lyrics below, especially the "you know this is not another waste of time". remind me of my new friend. he's been a blessing to me. God is looking out after me....
I know this is how I could be over you
You know this is not another waste of time
All this holding on can't be wrong
Just come back to me and I am not alone
friday, august 9, 2002
shameless
in the last couple of days i'm finding myself slipping away abit. i was doing so well. i'm still kicking ass and taking names most of the day. but when i'm not doing something... yikes! i get crazy. i can't sit still and just let the moment happen. i have to be doing something all the time. then bedtime comes and i feel like i should be ok with not doing anything. i should be ok to just sit back and watch a ballgame or tv or something... but no. i have to be doing something. it's called generalized anxiety and i'm telling ya... bah... it kicks my ass way too much.
people tell me alot that i just have to make up my mind and do something. i agree with that. i think that's my 50% of trying to get better... the other is my therapy, meds.... stuff like that. but 50% is changing the way i do things. my old ways aren't working... still. i'm feeling a small change happening. but i want things to happen all right away... hehe... i'm not the most patient person in the world.
well. i guess this is my entry for today. nothing exciting. i do have an interview on monday that i need prayers for. or... happy thoughts if ya dont' do the pray thing. i hope it works out. it's in a good location and i think it's sometihng i can do. so.... that's all i've got for right now. talk later - take care.
sunday, august 11, 2002
crisis mode
right now i feel like i'm in crisis mode. i'm afraid to write this entry for fear that someone in particular will read it and think it's because of him that i'm having these problems. it couldn't be farther from the truth. i'm having these problems because i have a lot on my plate right now.
job
public aid
social security
moving
unemployment
that's just some of it.
i feel like i'm in the hospital... or feel like i've felt when i was there... that i am paralyzed to a certain point. i can only do so much. but that isn't true. i can do whatever i want to do. I'm not in the hospital! besides, if i were there all they would do is give me my meds when i'm supposed to take them and tell me that i can't lay down in my bed during the day... or even early evening. at least here i can sleep if i want to... which i did a little too much of yesterday. but hopefully today will be different. today i'm not stuck in that hospital room doing nothing. i'm home and can do something with my time...
i'm sorry that i screwed up lastnight with my friend. but it's not because of him that i'm acting this way. it's about all those things i'm going through that i listed above... each one of them has about 3-4 subtopics that goes with it. but i'm going to be ok today. just need to remember that i'm NOT in the hospital and that is a VERY GOOD thing!
sunday, august 11, 2002
maybe your amazed at the way i love you...
i'm not angry anymore. i don't know where i really am at the moment. but i don't think it's anger. i just had a really great experience at church. this morning they gave us some ideas for worship to go out and do during the day. then we all got back together tonight and talked about them. there are several different pathways to worship. they gave us ideas on how we could experience any one of or all of... so i spent my day reading a book and thinking about God. every now and then i had to stop my mind from wandering into an area that i'm hanging on too tight to. but for the most part i did ok.
this entry is entirely coming from the top of my head. i have not thought through it in the least. i just know that the last couple of days have been particularly difficult for me and that i'm losing people around me because if it. i don't mean to be so difficult. i want someone to just listen to me and really hear me.... but i turn to people that don't do that sort of thing. i turn to people who want to help me make it all ok. i just need to be heard... feel like i'm being heard.
i am amazed at the way things can happen in such a short period of time... i can't believe that i've only been out of the hospital for less than a month. already i've made friends and lost friends. and all because i hide behind this wall that i think is protecting me or something. it's not though... it's just closing others out. no! i'm not mad anymore... i'm sorry for the way i handled a few things... but i honestly don't know how i would have handled them any differently at the time. kisses for you....
monday, august 12, 2002
i really need a raincoat
this circus is falling down on it's knees
the big top is crumbling down
it's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
where you should be there is no one around
-- raining in baltimore, counting crows
this cd is awesome.. it's got to be one of the best all time classics. where you should be there is no one around the line speaks to me. i don't always realize what i'm doing when i'm in the middle of doing it. but i don't think that means that i'm always the one at fault. NO! in fact, i know this time i'm not the one responsible. and that's just the way it is. it doesn't hurt any less but... i don't know... peace of mind is always important. 2 weeks of something that i didn't realize i had poured so much of myself into... not to mention i'm pouring myself into a shitload of other things at the same time. does it sound like i'm angry? because i'm trying not to be. i'm trying very hard to see it all for what it really is. nothing more... nothing less... the music has stopped. maybe i should.
step out the front door like a ghost
into the fog where no one notices
the contrast of white on white.
-- more counting crows, round here
monday, august 12, 2002
poem by Dad
White Magic
August 1972
Under a late sun, with a wry smile,
Christ-like, bare arms straight out,
She calls silently to white butterflies
Who one by one jitter to her warm brown skin.
August 2002
Flowing freely, the same smile
Greets God’s tiny messengers.
The young woman suddenly stops
As one flits and flirts around her.
"Hello, old protector,” she whispers.
“I thank you for what I see
When I look you in the eye…
God’s love …yes, God’s love for me!”
-- Dad
thursday, august 15, 2002
it's the only thing i know how to do
i have an interview tomorrow with a high school. i've said several times to many different people that i don't think i want to teach anymore. but honestly, it's the only thing i know how to do. so i'm going with a postive attitude... perhaps last year was just a really bad experience for me. perhaps i'm much better now and could handle it. i'm at least going to take a stab at the interview. i'm not sure they are going to want me when i mention why i left the last school. but i'm going... it's the only think i know how to really do well. cross your fingers for me!
friday, august 16, 2002
what went right
what went right
what went wrong
doesn't really matter much
when it's gone
was it too hard to try
was it too hard to lie
did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye
was is the naked truth that made you run
where do i go now
that i'm down to one
melissa etheridge, down to one
personally i think it was the growing tired of hello and goodbye. but the naked truth is also quite glaring. either way i'm back down to one.
saturday, august 17, 2002
???
i don't know what to write about tonight. i could write about my heart hurting... about being lonely... about being scared of this new job opportunity... but i don't know.
i had a conversation with someone not too long ago. we were talking about how people with mental illnesses are so needy... sexually... romantically. he wondered why. i said i thought it's because we have such a hard time accepting ourselves. so we shove people into the emptiness. i'm good at doing this. i find someone and suddenly i need that person like yesterday. then i scare them all away... or something. some of my friends tell me that it's not all me. some of the guys are not the most stable guys to begin with. hrmm. i suppose that could be true.
sunday, august 18, 2002
lonely
i go to bed early at night because i have nothing here... just me... some books... a little tv now and then and some other things i do. but mainly i got bed early because i can't stand being so lonely at night. so where does that leave me? it leaves me getting up early in the morning... after all go to bed around 8 and get up around 7 that's 11 hours of sleep. don't need much more than that.
so i'm up. all i want to do is call all my friends and see what they are doing... not really wanting to do it myself... just checking to see how they stay so unlonely. but i don't call them until later... trust me. well, except my parents.. they wouldn't know what happened to me if i didn't call them by 9:00 in the morning. i usually wake my mother up... but it's just because i want to hear another voice... someone else out there becuase my world feels so lonely.
because of my anxiety i have problems doing any one thing for more than 15 minutes. so i'm at one thing then another and then back to the other... i don't watch much tv because i'm not sure i can follow a movie. i know there's more than movies... but it's hard to find something i like with so many freakin channels to pick from... it's just overwhelming. reading has been good lately. i can seem to do more of that than i have been able to in the past. so i'm getting better. i really believe that my mental health is gettting better.
my emotions however, they are all over the board. i'm working on them as well. i've been reading the Emotions Anonymous Big Book lately and i'm finding out so much about myself and my emotions. there's a meeting that i go to on saturaday mornings too. i really think if i can get a handle on them i wouldn't feel so freakin lonely just because i don't have someone here to hold me. see... so i'm trying. i'm trying lots of things. right now i have fresh brewed coffee and an article to read in the newspaper. so i'm going now. i'll be back though.... soon
friday, august 23, 2002
i forgot!
i miss you now. i don't know where you are or what you are doing. i don't know what you look like or who you really are. but as the lights get dim and it's time for me to go to sleep you are there suddenly in my head.
today is turtle's birthday... i didn't send him any cards this year... he's probably find with that though. he's not much into the cyberfriendship thing. altough i tell people that he's one of my bestfriends in the world.... anyway...
tuesday, august 27, 2002
been trying
i've only been trying to write this entry for 4 days now. i start my new job tomorrow and i think i'm alittle concerned about it. although everyone around me seems to think i'll be just fine. now is that because i'm just a good faker... i make 'em think i'm ok. or.... is it that i'm just fine? i mostly believe the second version. i do think i'm doing better and i do think i can definitely do this.
i've been having a lot of trouble with my attention span. it's like slitch. 15 minutes at the most and then i have to find something else to do. that sorta bothers me... however i think it's mostly because i just haven't had a whole lot to do here at home for the last week or so... since i got the job. so i go back and forth from cross stitching to playing on the computer... to just doing nothing... yikes. doing nothing is scary!
that's about all i can come up with right now. my 15 minutes must be up. talk to ya soon... take care.... i love ya turtle!