Take your light
from the moon instead; accept it
as a loan, repay it in another life.
All things were made to catch illumination,
all shadows made to clarify, all days
and nights to give a shifting balance
to an earth made for your senses -
even in a starless night, the other side
of it still breathes for you, the twilight
is still laughing, still waiting,
holding the joy of you in its hands.
-- more about Noah later! or just go check him out!
thursday, august 5, 2004
all over again
it's been a very long time since i wrote about my mental illness. so long, in fact, that lately i have been waltzing around this new town acting as though... possibly believing... i didn't have my illness anymore. that belief can be very dangerous. you should never assume it's gone... it doesn't go away in most cases... at least i knew better than to stop taking my meds. that could have been oooohhh soooo bad!
i have been sick to my stomach and have had headaches now since the end of may. i've been to my doctor once, the emergency room 3 times and the urgent care center two times. i can't remember if i told you all about the wack-job i had at the urgent care center or not. he was nuts. but that's another story. so... tuesday night i went to the ER for the 3rd time. jeff went with me. not more than 10 minutes of being in the room i freaked out. i started having a panic attack. i'm not sure what the difference is between anxiety and panic but they are both attacks and i hate them both. i'm going with panic attack because i was being so completely unrealistic.
i was laying there in the room. the nurse had just stuck me (and missed) for an IV. jeff was there with me. as soon as she left to go get a smaller needle i flipped. i could not stand the anxiety i was feeling. it's that very frightening empty feeling... the feeling that bugs are crawling through your body. i just can not find words that suffice to explain it. if you've had one you understand. if you haven't, i'm sorry i can't make it anymore real for you. however, you are very lucky... it's hell. complete hell. when it started i looked at jeff... poor jeff... he'd never seen me like that and i was beginning to believe that he'd be the one guy i've dated since my divorce who would never see me.. my mental illness. anyway... i looked at him and just started crying... and begged him to take me home. i couldn't sit still and it was killing me. i wanted to get the hell out of there. he was smart though... he just stayed calm and didn't say anything really. he just held my hand. i was kickin sorta - nothing serious (because you can't sit still during one of these things) and kept begging him and the nurse when she came back to please let me go home. i didn't want to be there. let me go home! let me go home!
jeff and the nurse were acting like nothing was wrong. i was thinking that they would never understand because they've never exprienced one. the nurse, who was a bitch already, just sat there poking me and saying that she'd been anxious before... everyone goes through it.... bullshit she didn't know anything about panic attacks! i did calm a bit when she had someone else come in and try. i have very weak veins. i calmed... he got the thing in and left... and OH NO it started again. the panic. the fear that this time it's not going to go away and i'd be in the hospital quickly.. the mental hospital. i got up and tried to go to the bathroom but that freaked me out even more. i couldn't go in there and shut the door. i was truely freaking. i knew i wouldn't really go home. they didn't know it though. they had every volunteer there sorta coralling me just incase i booked. and, telling me that i would be ok. i should just settle down and it'd be ok. BE OK?????? it was not ok. it would not just POOF go away. and, i was making a complete ass out of myself in front of my boyfriend. shit!
the doctor came around and asked what was up. he was a good doc. i liked him. he didn't say much (which is the best). he told the nurse to give me something to settle me down. little did they know i need a tranquilizer for and elephant to get me to "go to sleep" as the nurse said her drug would do. but they gave it to me anyway. it was some meds that i'd had before and i knew it wouldn't put me to sleep. no way. but it did calm me a bit. however, it didn't calm me in time to stop me from pacing in the hall, hitting myself in the forehead (not hard - just something i do), pulling at my hair and itching/scratching all over. for some reason all those things help me forget what my body is saying. and jeff had to see it all. damn.
i did settle. i felt better after taking the drugs they gave me for my headache and upset stomach. it's just that i never wanted jeff to see me that way. he kept telling me not to be embarrassed. he said he didn't give a damn if they thought i was nuts. he knew i wasn't and we'd never see any of those people again... he is so great! so we left. one would NEVER know what i went through in there by looking at me. that's the way the disease is. it strikes from out of nowhere... it plays games with you and then in a second it's all gone again and you are the same person you were before it happened.
so here i am. i'm still jobless and i was so close (it felt) to caving in to the monster again. as i sit here i'm still a bit - a very slight bit anxious. i'm sure it's about the job i interviewed for yesterday. it's a teaching job at the high school i graduated from. i've interviewed a few places and no one wanted me. i tell myself and others that it's because i have so much experience and the more years you teach the more expensive you are to hire. but i know it's about my absences. nothing that i can go back and fix. i sit here and hope and pray that someone will just give me one more chance.
i have to go now. i'm online and the phone would be busy if someone tried to call. i've got my fingers crossed... maybe you all could do the same. i've prayed about it so much that i'm sure God is crossing his fingers. would he do that??? i'm a dork. oh well. i'm off. take care - talk soon.
i did settle. i felt better after taking the drugs they gave me for my headache and upset stomach. it's just that i never wanted jeff to see me that way. he kept telling me not to be embarrassed. he said he didn't give a damn if they thought i was nuts. he knew i wasn't and we'd never see any of those people again... he is so great! so we left. one would NEVER know what i went through in there by looking at me. that's the way the disease is. it strikes from out of nowhere... it plays games with me and then in a second it's all gone again and i'm the same person i was before it happened.