i believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams
like bed sheet sails...
and i blieve in peter pan
and miracles
and anything i can to get by
and fireflies
 --faith hill, fireflies



august 6, 16, 22, 31

saturday, august 6, 2005
one month, one day and counting

so, the wedding was beautiful... i'll have a link up soon with some pictures of it. it's been a crazy first month of marriage. we are waiting for our honeymoon because his parents are giving us a trip to hawaii and we couldn't get a good scheduled date so we are waiting until my spring break in april of '06. the weekend following the wedding weekend (yes, it lasted the entire weekend.... i was so tired!) anyway, that weekend i had to take of for ohio for a teacher's convention about direct instruction. it was actually quite worth the time. but i was away from jeff. and, i hadn't been feeling to "together" emtionally-wise. when i got back i was so upside-down and inside-out that jeff took me to the psych-hosptial..... it's been for damn ever since i'd been to one of those. they said i was suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) because of all the stuff that had been going on around the wedding.... my sister was home and while we had a great time, my insides hadn't really let go of anything in our past and so it was fighting with my outsides.... i think marrying again was harder than i thought it would be... not just because i married another guy named jeff, just because my last married experience was so wrong. thus, the breakdown........ i've got to get going..... more later.


tuesday, august 16, 2005
losing myself again

for over a year i was doing so well. I was doing my thing and it involved jeff. sometimes i'd get frustrated because i felt like i needed to tell him everything about my past - specifically the mental illness part. i felt like i couldn't quite get him to understand what is was like.... living in a group home at 32-33 years old... being on SSI and going into that nasty state hospital.... being hospitalized itself i couldn't even get him to understand. but it seemed like it probably wasn't a big deal until suddenly

POOF


i found myself right back there in all that baggage i'd thought i'd left behind for good. i can't remember the day i went in last month.... it was a friday. lets see....... sunday was the 18th of july so...... july 23rd maybe? *shurg* doesn't matter. it just seemed like such an awful way to spend the first month of your new life together......."yeah, congratulations on your marriage... heard your wife is in the psych hospital." God he had to be so embarassed. but he didn't act like it. neither did his family or mine for that matter. while i was there i figured out that i'd been really awful to jeff (i knew that before) but it was over really ridicules things. really dumb stuff...........

the people at the hospital decided that i was having Post-Traumatic Stress problems because of all the stuff that the wedding brought back to me.... my sister, my ex-husband and last married experience....... i started feeling really really bad. they did some things with my meds and once i was ready they sent me home. i have to say i was doing ok. i've had worse discharges. at least i knew i wasn't going to turn-tail and head back in right away.

so if i've been to the hospital what's going on now? jeff went with me last week to see my shrink. first he thought i might be ADD (Attention Deficet -sp?) but after i told him some more things he abruptly changed my diagnosis to bipolar disorder. he mentioned something about "hypo-mania" states. so i thought i might look up hypo-mania and see what it is........ see if it works for me.

What is Hypo mania?
Hypo means small or mild. Hypo mania is a mild mania. Hypo manic symptoms are basically the same as mania but are general confined to only a few and there are no psychotic or delusion features. i found that at

a beginners guide to bi-polar disorder!


i haven't been through the site in its entirity but i will page through it. it's a bit frightening for me because i have been through so much and i can look back on it and find times where it was more than obvious that i was struggling with BPD (bi-polar disorder).

so here i am again looking for myself. i have actually been losing myself from time to time..... my short-term memory is for shit and i get a little confused with how old i am..... um........ i revert back to different ages when i see certain people doing things. i have problems trying to figure out if i'm dreaming, have dreamt what i'm doing or maybe it's just plain happening. but, all-in-all, my life is perfect.



monday, august 22, 2005
words for all of this...

in january of '99 i started my chatroom experience. i started in a place called the partyhouse or house party... i know it's one of those and i know that the one it isn't is a porn site. let's just say, for the sake of things, that it was called partyhouse. i lasted in there for a month or so until i "met" a guy from new zealand and he routed me over to Mirc. and boy did my chattin get chattin!

i went to the website that he told me to meet him at, but he never showed up. along the way to realizing this i bumped into a few other great guys. one, of whom, i became quite close too. if you've read much of my site you will be familiar with someone i call "Turtle". i had to use a moniker so that just incase his girlfriend should come across my website she wouldn't know who i was talkig about.

so, along the way we got closer and soon were icqing eachother... talkin on the phone (although that wasn't his favorite for of communication) and emailing all the time. then, suddenly in november of '99, he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. his gf didn't like it and he loved her and didn't want to hurt her. so................... the goodbye (the first one). that one crushed me a bit because whether i wanted to freely admit it or not, i had a crush on him!!! and, i missed him terribly!!! then suddenly he popped back into my life....... he told me he couldn't stand not talking to me. Oh, joy of joys, i was elated, to say the very least. he came back to me. someone in my life had actually left and came back!

we continued to chat. he became my bestfriend.... and i was always hot for him. we would tease... we would talk politics.... he took care of me the best he could from so far away. but, as luck would have it. he and his gf decided they needed a change and so he moved away......... now, you'd think that if you move you would take some of your old things with you. but he didn't take me. he told me he'd catch up with me... here i am 2 almost 3 years i suppose now and he isn't back........

i moved on right away, of course. i missed him less as the days went on... just like i would had i broken up with a boyfriend. i'd write letters to him in here.... i'd talk to him as if he was listening still, somewhere, wherever he is........ but i know he's not listening. and that's really not what this entry is about.

as most of you know, i got married july 4th, of this year. yea, just a few months ago. my man is awesome. there's no need to compare him to aaron (turtle) because aaron was simply a vision i had of what he might be. jeff is someone else entirely! he's a wonderful man and an awesome husband. and that's where this entry shall begin!

jeff loves me more than anything in the world.... (slight exaggeration). and i know this possible because i watch aaron and listened to him and how loved kimmie so very much! if it hadn't been for aaron, i might not have given jeff a chance. now, in all fairness, jonathan, my therapist, had something to do with it too..... so, it's not that i felt like jeff didn't love me, it was more that i knew what a wonderful guy is was and how other girls would take advantage of that. i didn't trust the women, i trusted jeff..... i guess that was all in past tense..... to bring it to the present, i know that jeff is more than trustworthy! again, i'm just worried about all the screwed up women out there that love to just mess with married (taken) men.

so now we have an issue. i was using Mirc still and checkin it out to see a few people i'd been talking to for a long while and i sorta felt bad about it because i knew it'd drive me crazy if jeff did the same thing. but i thought it was innocent as far as he cared and so i didn't really think it was harmful. then the other day i came in here, sat down and ****BAM**** ICQ was sitting there on the desktop. i was devastated! who was he talking to? why didn't he need to talk to other women if he had me? i wasn't making him happy........ and the list of disasterous thoughts plagued my mind. i asked him about it and of course it was all innocent. he really didn't think i'd mind because i had Mirc and he couldn't figure out how to use it so.... he thought he'd try ICQ again because it was fun a long time ago when he used it. he likes it because you can just get random people from anywhere in the world to talk to at anytime of the day. it was clearly innocent on his part, but i was clearly freaked out about it anyway. suddenly i had to admit to myself that i understood kimmie when she'd get pissed at aaron for talking to me. i hated to admit it....... but it was true.

jeff and i met with jonathan last week. i brought up ICQ and jonathan said he just didn't think either of us should be chatting anymore. jonathan is well versed in my "relationship" with aaron. we would talk about him like he was sitting right next to me... or was just down, around the corner.... so he knew about aaron.... and he knew how kimmie hated aaron chatting with me. Ugh, jonathan is right. no more chatting.......... i deleted/trashed Mirc and, after a few days, jeff dropped ICQ.

it's funny how the very thing at you dislike the most in someone else is actually what you don't like about yourself. i dispised kim for giving aaron a hard time......... but i was crawling the walls here knowing that jeff was talking to just random people. always a lesson to learn i suppose. one more entry about my turtle friend......... one more recollection of the past that i miss alot at times. one more entry.... yeah, just one more entry. thanks for listenin............ talk soon!


tuesday, august 31, 2005
collage of sickness

one of the projects i'm having my algebra students do is a collage of all the different number sets. the two guys doing the project would, in my opinion, be the last two guys in that class i'd have picked to pick up some scissors, some girlie magazines (ok, there were some SI's), glue and start putting something together. i had fully expected to see all the girls do something like that.... but no. i was wrong. so they were putting this piece of "mathematical art" together and the next thing i know they are asking if they can use the apple symbol from ipod for a decimal point??? could they just cut out a shape that looked like a square root sign...... let me tell you, they were pissed that the bell rang! and i'll also tell you that they did a damn fine job for being a couple of "odd-ball" guys. i don't mean any harm. but they want to come off as thugs... and they do - except when they do collages for math class.

so my life has been one big collage lately. nothing really fitting together... just keep moving, keep moving, gotta keep moving. i try to teach but i know i'm not organzied....... i'm just confused! confused and tired. i'll write more later.

jw