saturday, december 30, 2000
the eve of New Year's eve
if you haven't noticed... i fixed my site. thanks faith for the idea. she doesn't know she helped me but she did! i expect many kudos for the new look (hint, email, guestbook...). yes, i'm begging for feedback.
well, i've been here (florida) for over a week now. no sign of dragons. these little creatures don't like the cold. it's been "cold" here all week. i don't know - i've been running around in shortsleeves... no socks... it beats Chicago's weather.
i've been working on this layout for two days now. i'm about worn out. i'll do my year in review on monday... this might be my last entry of the month -hell, of the year. miss me!
*peace*
wednesday, december 27, 2000
in search of dragons
after 41 years of marriage there isn't much i can do to put the fires out. but, i keep trying. i was on the phone with jonathan this evening. my parents started in at eachother - actually, my mother started in... i told jon to hold on and went to stop it. he asked me to sit back down and let it go. let it go because my parents have been doing this to eachother for 41 years... what in the world can i possibly do at this point to change them. nothing.... so, i sat back down.
a year or so ago i wrote an entry about a man that looked a lot like Howard Stern. he was a sick man... living in a high rise for disabled people. the first day i noticed him he was talking to himself about a place called The Savage Dump. he was trying to tell us that the Hallmark is the accepted currency in this place. a place that i've wished i knew more about. it's times like tonight that i'd like to find this "dump" and just hide away. i'm 34 years old... however, when my parents start in like tonight i feel like i'm 10. Howard showed up now and then. he'd be carrying a guitar i'm not certain he could play. or, he'd be pacing up and down the sidewalk in search of something - dragons perhaps?
my entries have been all over the place for the last year or so. i can't stop writing though because this is my outlet. or, one outlet. i'd like to come up with something that would sweep you all off your feet... make my place the first place you visit everyday. i just don't have it though. the main thing is that "missing peace" is still MY place. i can come and go as i please. i can talk about anyone or anything i please. i'd like to have you all back. but, you aren't my reason for writing. my parents aren't my reason for getting and staying happy either. if i could just find "MY" place in this world. i could go there.... i could ask "can i stay?".
*peace*
tuesday, december 26, 2000
in search of dragons
evidently there are little dragon-like creatures that live here in Florida. this is my second trip down here and i've still not seen one of these little guys....
monday, december 25, 2000
Merry Christmas
this is my obligatory Christmas entry. makes it sound like i don't like the holiday. actually, i've been more UP for this Christmas than i've been for many in the past. i'm here with my parents and my nephew. i've been more anxious than normal. but, i'm glad to be here. i've very glad to be here. nevermind the fact that it's at least 50 degrees warmer here than at home. sure i like the warm weather. but, i'm just generally happy about being here.
i call jonathan today at 4:30. i'm sure... i can bet... he's going to ask me how it feels to be here. he sure is awfully concerned with how i feel about things. i was just writing in my paper journal that it's not that i don't know how i feel. i think i just haven't been too concerned with it. i just don't care what i feel maybe. ah, but i'm learning. be STRONG my little chick-a-dee!
my turtle friend won't be around for a few weeks. he's taking a vacation. i know that it's his vacation. but, something makes me wonder if God didn't have a hand in it... it was/is time for a break. i'm running turtle away... i think we both needed a break. i love him dearly..... i don't want to lose him. losing him would be sorta like losing a part of my past. ah, but that's a different entry. (i say that too much - maybe i should just suck it up and write the damn entries)
sooooo... i'm all over the place here in this entry. i feel like that a lot lately. just feel like i'm not connected to the things/people around me. i am very happy that it's Christmas. i'm happy that i'm around the people i love. i MISS my David so much. but, we couldn't be together...... I LOVE YOU DAVID! i'll just let things go from here. we are off to friends' for dinner. Merry Christmas my friends. love to you all!!!
*peace*
friday, december 22, 2000
normalcy
(is that a word?)
i'm going home for the holidays. i haven't done this "single" since i was in college. and then it wasn't the same. i was going home then to party my ass off with a bunch of people that i'd end up not liking very much anyway. nah, i wasn't ever going home to do the "Christmas" thing with my family. if i was telling this to jon right now he'd ask how this "normalcy" feels. it's sorta a warm feeling. i'm actually looking forward to just getting up and hanging with my parents... my nephew. hell, my nephew is closer to my Mom and Dad than my sister is... ahh, but that's another entry!
i picture getting up in the morning... throwing on a sweater and jeans and slowly making my way out into the kitchen - it's a big one too - and there my Mom will be with a warm cup of coffee... we'll stand around and trash my ex-husband... hell, all of my ex-boyfriends... we'll just BOND. my Dad and my nephew will have been out on the town for two hours by the time i wake up. they'll be back all happy and cheery and my mother and i will sorta retreat to the porch. we'll trash somemore... we'll talk about how wonderful jonathan is... it'll be fun.
well, you don't come here to read entries like these. i'm not certain what it is that draws you here but i'm grateful (i can't spell that word). i realize this isn't thanksgiving or anything but... i am grateful for a lot of things this Christmas. this year has been an incredible experience. *shaking my head* 6 months ago no one could have convinced me that i'd be where i am today. today is Hanakuah (sorry, i can't spell that either - although i could probably find it on a calendar somewhere...). i'm giving jonathan a dreidel. it's a miracle thing that i'm not certain i understand but... he has been one of God's miracles in my life. a close friend of mine told me once that God performs miracles all the time... we are just too busy to notice them. i want jon to know that he's been noticed! he's the greatest....
ok, this has been a rather sappy entry. and, if you are still with me at this point i'm making a promise to try hard not to fill my journal with sappy "do you remember when" entries for the next two weeks. it might be difficult though... OK, i have to teach school now... cheers!
*peace*
thursday, december 21, 2000
please let me stay
i told him that i just wanted to stay there on his couch. i didn't want to leave. he could go on with his business. i wouldn't bother him. i just needed to be there - to be safe. he giggled. yes, jonathan giggles.
... more later...
tuesday, december 19, 2000
turtle
I had a conversation with Turtle yesterday. It was very disturbing. For the last 2 years (give or take a month or two) he has supported me through relationships... through hospitalizations... through stress at work... in so many ways. Yesterday he put it to me. Excuse the expression here but... basically he told me to shit or get off the pot. Enough is enough... either I stop letting people walk all over me or he was going walking.
He asked that I share our conversation with Jonathan. Sometimes it feels like the two of them (Jonathan and Turtle) are working together. So... I told Jon about our little talk. I told him how much I respect Turtle - he knew that all ready. I told him that I really don't want to lose my friendship with Turtle - computer or not. I told him that if I could only figure out how to get what is inside of me out I'd stop losing important people in my life.
My immediate reaction to my friend was not a positive one. I was angry. "How can he give me such an ultimatum (spell?)???" "He can't possibly be the supportive friend that I've come to know him as if he can just shut it off and walk away." "I don't need him in my life anyway." (i'm not sure how to punctuate all of that sorry) But then I took hold of something that Jonathan asked me to do. He asked me to write down who I am. Who is this person that Turtle believes in? So, I sat down with my paper journal and I started writing.
Who I am
Well. I hope that was helpful. I'm open to all sorts of feedback. email me if you'd like. I haven't figured out how to do those handy-dandy comment sections. Although... I'm going to tackle Noah's greymatter sometime soon.
thanks for reading... *peace*
monday, december 18, 2000
close to death
*just a note: if you are close to me you might want to avoid this entry. it's fairly graphic and your day will go on just fine without the info.
riding to Einstein's (bagel joint) saturday something set me off thinking about a roommate i'd had after my divorce. ironically his name was jamie also. i'm not sure what it is that reminded me of him but... he killed my cat. he said that the voices in his head (he called them angels) told him to kill Sabastian. the night that i finally called the police on him to have him thrown out of my apartment (i was paying rent) one of the police officers asked what if the voices had told him to kill me? for some reason, saturday, i remembered this episode in my life. and, i think for the first time, i was scared. what if the voices had told him to kill me? he slept in the room next to mine. he killed my cat...
maybe i wasn't shaken at the time because i'd just ended a 5 year marriage with a man who was physically violent. either i was clouded over and didn't realize what jamie was doing... or, i didn't feel like it mattered much if i was killed... or, what jamie did was nothing compared to what my ex-husband had done to me. either way... at the time i wasn't phased by his actions (jamie's). now, almost 5 years later it scares the hell out of me. not only jamie's stuff but what jeff, my ex, did to me... how close i'd felt to death at times that he would physically abuse me. even then i'd say that the physcial stuff was nothing compared to what he would do verbally to me... excuses... all excuses that could very well have led up to my death. NOW I AM SCARED!
i see jonathan tonight. i think talking about this would be a great idea. i'm not sure any amount of talk with anyone could lessen my fear at the moment. but, jon always tells me that talking helps it go away... it no longer serves a purpose in my life... i can let it go. i'm shaking as i type this. *deep breath, deep breath* i have class to teach. i just needed to get this out. one of the online journals i read had an entry about her neighbor lady being killed by her boyfriend over the weekend... domestic violence. ironic that i was thinking about my situation at the same time a poor women had lost her battle with her's.... God, I'm so sorry for her... God....
For information and help with Domestic Violence call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
*peace... yeah, right*
friday, december 15, 2000
part II
ok, ok... yes, more lyrics... this is a Vonda Shepard tune. if i knew how to download mp3s i'd just download and let you listen - wouldn't have to type all these damn lyrics. it sorta loses it's affectiveness this way.... anyway.... have a great weekend people! *peace*
Clean Rain
oh city shine on tomorrow
for today I feel rain
there is a decent moon
now I can lay me down in the light
my man's afraid no communication
I'm sure life in my arms ain't been free
is it a sacrifice to love me now
are you alright?
will you take my hand so I'm not alone
you're the road I need to lead me home baby...forever
will you be my friend will you walk with me
can we wash away the history that clouds our love
what came before surely won't be
there's a clean rain falling over me
I know I cried after what you told me
you said you're not sure where this love is going
why would you hesitate if you really loved me now
are you alright?
will you take my hand you're the road I need to lead me home
will you be my friend will you walk with me
can we wash away the history that clouds our love
what came before surely won't be
hey we've been running too long let's settle down
gotta keep our head above water
take a look around
how long will you wait for me?
how long will you wait for me?
friday, december 15, 2000
part I
noah's 12/14 entry is amazing. that's all i have... just read his entry!
*peace*
thursday, december 14, 2000
avoidance
tonight is the 1st annual Walter Payton College Prep High School Christmas party. i'm not going. i'm having trouble feeling like i fit in and going to a party with these people is only going to make me feel like more of an outcast. i bought some presents for Doug and Pj and i'll give them to them tomorrow after school or sometime.... i just don't feel comfortable going out to eat with people i really don't know. i hear you asking me how i'm going to get to know them if i don't do things with them.... i can't answer that. as easy as it may seem to you it's not for me. i feel like they look at me and immediately say to themselves, "she's damaged goods.". i know i'm not... and who knows what problems they are going through in their own lives. that's just the feeling i get. it's an extremely uncomfortable feeling. i'd just really like to avoid it.
which brings me to the avoidance issue. jonathan mentioned to me that in the past my avoiding situations worked for me. now that i'm adult (grr) my old habits don't do it for me anymore. trying to avoid kim doesn't work. avoiding my roommate by moving upstairs... it's not going to fix anything. and, although i managed to not tell him about the Xmas party tonight i'm sure he would tell me that i'm avoiding issues by not going. ok, so i might agree - i do avoid uncomfortable issues. and, yes, it has worked for me in the past. however, i've been avoiding kim for 20+ years now and "it" (avoiding her) hasn't changed a thing. i'm tempted to just keep beating my head against the wall - continue to ignore her - hope "it" works eventually. i just don't really know what to say to kim. i've got lots of different issues... where do i begin?
i've learned to avoid situations that might cause me pain. or, that might cause the other person pain for that matter. it's worked - like jonathan said. and i suppose he's right - it's not working anymore or i wouldn't be feeling so tied up in knots about my sister or my roommate. geesh, i hate it when he's right all the time. jonathan and turtle... always right at the appropriate times to be so. so i'm learning not to avoid. granted i'm not working on it tonight by actually going to the party. but, i'm working on it. just wait and see!
i've got to get moving... papers to grade! i meant to talk a bit about the fact that i'm down in the dumps and it seems that so are the people who write the journals that i read. is there a correlation there? or, is it just that time of year? hmm... i guess i'll just make that different entry a different time. for now i'll just leave be... take care - talk soon!
*peace*
wednesday, december 13, 2000
two steps back
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
Oh, I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly...
—Joni Mitchell, "River"
i borrowed this from Noah's site. if you get a chance go to his site and check out currents. you can hear robert downey, jr sing it... i borrowed it because it best reflects my mood today.
i had a really difficult time coming to school today. i was afraid. of what i'm not sure but the fear was there... i literally talked myself into getting here. so many times on the train i just wanted to get off at the next stop and turn around for home. put me under my covers - keep me safe.
this 'fear' started last week sometime. first it was anxiety... i couldn't sit still. i couldn't concentrate on my work for my classes. i wanted so badly to just go home. but i didn't. that's the part i'm supposed to hold onto and celebrate. it, the fear, didn't go away on friday. i woke up with it on saturday. no one around at the house... david unavailable... our phone wasn't even working right to get calls. i felt so isolated and alone.
sunday i managed to get out and run around a bit with lauren. got my hair chopped and ate out at a fancy restaurant. i just couldn't shake it though. all i could think about during dinner was school on monday and my bed... get me home and put me to bed. i just couldn't enjoy anything. so, i went home and climbed in under the covers... 7:30pm... i was safe!
i woke up monday feeling even worse. the alarm went off at 4:45am and i just layed there and shoke. i couldn't do it. i couldn't get myself out of bed. and, i still felt like hell from last week... my head hurt. my throat hurt. i couldn't clear the stuff in my chest. so i didn't go (to school). i managed to get myself to a doctor despite the blizzard of 2000. and while i was sure that i was only suffering from a psychosymatic illness the doctor felt differently. she precribed some meds and sent me home.
there i was again. home. feeling very alone in a house full of women. scared of something i just can't figure out. and the snow fell harder and harder as the day continued. i called jonathan and talked to him - my appointment was cancelled because of the snow. maybe i'm feeling like a little child because i'm dealing with feelings that i never resolved as a kid... subconsciously of course... that was his take on the subject. i don't know. i do know that the "urge" was getting stronger and i didn't want to give in.
we all stayed home yesterday - snow day! yesterday i was fine. it was a free day - i was safe from feeling like i wasn't being responsible for something. i was safe from feeling anything at all. the fear crept in near dinner time... right around dark. it was there pulling on my insides for my attention. i tried to ignore it. i tried to remind myself of just how much i love my job. i tried to tell myself that i'm definitely capable of doing my job. but the fear stayed... lodged somewhere between conscious and not... off to sleep i went. i was determined to feel GOOD. i'd get up in the morning and trot myself off to the train... get my coffee, run my copies... no time for fear... no time for anxiety.
God how i tried not to let it in. i think i had to hold myself back from getting off the train at every stop. i had to hold back the tears... keep myself from thinking how sick i am... physically and menatally. i made it. i got here and yes, i felt like i'd just accomplished a marathon. no tears, no vomit, nothing negative.
so here i am. classes are done for the day (half day for seminars). i'm waiting to go meet with doug and pj. we'll talk math - i'll feel incredibly inferior to them both. then i'll go see jonathan. we'll reflect on the last 48 hours or so. he'll point out strengths that i'd managed to ignore. i might cry there in front of him. i might manage to totally avoid talking about any of this... it's painful. it's confusing and painful.
just when i'd felt like i was actually becoming "one of them" (a teacher here at payton). back i fall. it's as if i got all the way to the finish line and someone grabbed me and pushed me back to the start.
one step forward... two steps back
*peace*
monday, december 11, 2000
home, home again
ok... so the cold is hanging in there. i suppose i should have sucked it up and gone in but i really do feel like shit. not to mention it's snowing cats and dogs out! we are supposed to have a blizzard today. maybe i'd have been sent home from school anyway... it's pretty damn bad out.
i wrote a letter to my sister. draft one! i won't send it but it's something to start with. i was going to share it with jonathan today but i'm guessing our appointment isn't going to happen - it's nasty, nasty, nasty out. back to the letter. i haven't reread it yet. i'm thinking it's a bit rough. i think i've begun to pinpoint what it is that really pisses me off about her. i don't think i should go into it here though. she reads this now... i suppose i should be fair and not talk about her "behind" her back. that's something that pisses me off too. this has been my place to vent... now i feel like i need to hold back...
sorry this is a non-interesting entry. i'm sick... that's my excuse... i'll write more later....
*waves to Turtle*
*peace*
friday, december 8, 2000
riding the ole anxiety rollercoaster!
don't know what the hell the problem is with me at the moment. yesterday i stayed home from school with the flu/cold. i was up at 5:00am and couldn't get back to sleep. trying to get to sleep lastnight was nearly impossible. and, this morning, i thought i wasn't going to make it in here (the school). if only these people new that i have such a weird case of anxiety. i'm betting they wouldn't have hired me.
i don't have much to say. i got paid today and it's basically all gone all ready paying bills. i see jonathan a lot. insurance doesn't cover those visits. my rent at the house went up now that i have this lovely job. unfortunately my quality of living isn't going up in proportion to the raise in my rent. in fact, i had hoped to move upstairs so i wouldn't have to deal with lynn on a daily basis. staff hasn't ok'd the move yet and honestly, i don't think it looks too hot. soooo, when lynn finally does get home (rumor has it she'll be hospitalized for quite some time this go around) i will have to deal with her all the time....
on a different note... um, i don't seem to have much. Turtle surfaced finally. seems he's having a great time at work ridiculing people... the little computer geek he is! David has been calling qutie regularly lately. he isn't able to visit me in Florida over Christmas soooo not only didn't we get to spend Thanksgiving together we won't be celebrating Christmas or New Years together this year either.... hm....
i have to get back to my kiddies! talk more later!
*peace*
thursday, december 7, 2000
*cough, sneeze, cough*
been sick that last couple of days. not much exciting to add. my visit with my good therapist jonathan went well last night. seems that we are centering on conversations about my sister. it's pretty weird. i know that she can read this and does. i'm just not sure how to email her. what to say. how to say it.
honestly, not much is going on in my life these days. i'm hoping to see david this weekend.... but, i'm not holding my breath. his schedule is crazy. actually, my plant is begging to have him here. it thrives when it's with him... i kill it. at least i make it very ill. i've never been accused of having a green thumb.
soooo.... i'm going back to bed. i know i'm sick because i can't sleep. i'm the only person in the world who just plain ole can not sleep when i'm sick. i was up all night... tossing and turning... i actually got out of bed around 5:00am and watched a movie. and now... here i am. it must be something in the air because Lauren was awake too. i'm thinking that we should make a trip to Einstein's (bagel place) for a bagel, pop and cookie... my daily nutrition. however, i don't think i feel like braving the snow. it is quite beautiful snow though... very fluffy!
oh... update on the insomniac, lynn. she "hurt" herself again and is back in the hospital. i'm worried a bit about her. she's been in three times this month now. she doesn't have a history of "hurting" herself. this is a new thing with her. before she did it she called me into my room to ask if i was mad at her.... it's not that i'm mad as much as i'm just plain frustrated. i mean... Lauren is working on getting better. i think i'm working on it all the time. most of us are it just seems like lynn is stuck. i don't know....
ok, i'm off to bed. i will write soon!
*peace*
tuesday, december 5, 2000
i am 34 damn it!
so, i decide to risk my life and actually try a school lunch. i cut in line because teachers get that added perk! i'm standing there and the lady gives me my little bitty lunch... i cut again to pay ahead of the waiting students (continued perk). and the FRICKIN' lunch lady charged me for a student lunch. she had zero clue that i was a teacher. this isn't so alarming except that Walter Payton College Preg High School is ONLY freshmen this year...... 14 years old... please. looking young is one thing but 20 years younger? oh well. life could be worse.
TURTLE? where the hell are you? where have you been? leave me a message here (guestbook type) if you are still alive!
Mark... i'm sorry about your car... i'm really glad you are ok though! and, um, i was hoping for a pony for christmas... but i'm guessing that you aren't my secret santa. oh well.
i'm not feeling well today. i came into work to record progress report grades. i hope there isn't any correlation between how awful the grades are and me being sick. although many of the grades could do that to me. ok, i'm going now - i'm not making a bit of sense......
i need some chicken soup!
*peace*
just a wee little note: if you take the Walter Payton link to departments and math you will find me! big bonus! ok, i'm done.
monday, december 4, 2000
crash - boom - bang
yep, the midnight rider struck again this morning. 4:43am my dear insomniac of a roommate decided to empty the dishwasher. my room is off the kitchen. *crash* *boom* *bang* my alarm goes off at 4:45am. i don't have to tell all of you how damn annoying it is to be disturbed 2 minutes before your alarms chimes it's lovely morning song. *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*
i really wanted to kill her. i got up, turned my alarm off and walked out asking... "is it necessary to empty the dishwasher at 4:45 in the morning?" "oh", she said. "i'm sorry. i didn't think it would be so loud." FINE! but, once she discovered that it was noisy why did she continue. then... she preceded to follow me to the bus stop. geessss... and she wonders why i am moving out.
so, i haven't recovered from the guestbook entry from my sister. to make my life all the more interested she emailed me. i suppose i shouldn't bring it all out here in my journal. problem is i have zero idea what or when to reply to her. i don't think i want to. and, my Dad feels like crap because he gave her my address. i guess she asked once and he said he couldn't give it to her but she could call me on the phone and ask for it herself. then... she emailed him saying she'd lost my phone number could she please just have my address. what's the guy supposed to do? he shouldn't be in the middle of it. i told him not to worry about it. i'll take care of it. if only i knew how to take care of it....
on to bigger and better things..... um..... i just don't really know what they might be. i see jonathan tonight. i'm sure we'll have lots of fun issues to mull through. i'll be sure to fill you all in. take care....
*peace*
friday, December 1, 2000
welcome to December
i woke up this morning to find my roommate home from the hospital. she was wide awake at 4:45am. evidently she'd been up all night. she's manic... no, really, she's the poster child for Bipolar Disorder. it's amazing how tough she is. she's on so much medication... 3 or 4 different anti-anxiety medicines. and a shitload of depakote. if you know nothing about psych meds trust me to say that she shouldn't be functioning at all! however, she was there. wide awake. i'd gotten up to change my alarm to 6:00am. i was tired. she'd actually come into my room around 11:30pm wanting to just sit in my room. hey, this is life in a group home. we (the clients) all go through bad times. however, i directed her to my CD collection and told her that some music might help. she grabbed a few and off she went. she has absolutely zero clue that it's rude as hell to wake someone up in the middle of the night when they have to be up and functioning at 5:00am.
ok, so, i did try for 6:00am this morning. however..... my good roommate lynn took care of that for me. in she came with a mickey mouse (she's quite artistic) playing softball. a picture she wanted me to take to work - i'm the softball coach here. then she brought in a cup of coffee. now, i'm not one to turn up my nose to a good cup of coffee but she'd put sweet and low in it... ick! did i mention she's also bulimic (sp?) so she's constantly dieting for all of us. not that i can't afford to lose a few pounds. but that's a different entry. so she sat with me for 1/2 hour... she was NOT getting the hint that i'd wanted to sleep for another hour. she just wanted me to be up. no clue.
the only way i could get her to leave me alone was to go take a shower. if you ask my parents they will tell you (as will my ex-husband AND david) I am NOT a morning person. although, mornings are definitely sweeter with david :o)... anyway, boy i digress alot this morning. i was actually afraid that she (lynn) was going to want to sit in the bathroom while i took my shower. geesh! actually, she asked if she could sleep in my room while i'm at work. evidently, she's have too many flashbacks of abuse when she tries to sleep in her own room. the gall. sleep in my bed while i'm working....
in between her loose, wild spirts of conversation she managed to mention that Lauren had gone to the hospital in the middle of the night. now, ordinarily this isn't a good thing for Lauren. usually she goes because she's sliced herself up. however, she went lastnight BEFORE she hurt herself. this is an amazing thing for her! please, please, please, say your prayers for her. it's been nearly 6 weeks since the last time she hurt herself. it's the longest she's ever gone! i just can't tell you how happy i was to hear that she'd gone BEFORE - not after... no stitches this time! i love ya Lauren!
now then... if you notice my guestbook someone named Kim signed last night. Kim is my sister. if you read the entry you'll see that we don't talk much. i'm not sure how i feel about this entry. about her "reaching out". i know that i'm not in danger of hurting myself over it. i've hurt too much in the past because of her. she's probably reading this.... sorry Kim, but it's true. whether her intentions were to hurt me or not it happened..... now then....
i have to get to work.... more later!
*peace*