saturday, december 1, 2001
sin

they say and me too
that i did the right thing with you
it doesn't feel good, didn't think it would
i suppose that's nothing new.

i think about you often
wonder, lot's, what would have been
can you understand, if you can
i don't suppose - it's such a sin.

the struggle would have been immense
i know it still doesn't make sense
i made the decision deep down within
and now i feel it... it's so intense.

letting you go was never an option
so here i am in a strange postion
i look around but you i've never found
i should just let go of the situation.
---- december 1, 2001

monday, december 3, 2001
no place to hide.

i knew you wanted to tell me. i could hear it in your voice.

things aren't going my way at the moment. they just seem so screwed up. lastnight i was at the "bf's" house and flipped out. i was sooo anxious. i don't understand it. but it's (the depression... the PTSD... the anxiety) managed to ruin another relationship.

jonathan (the therapist) said that a good relationship would be one where the guy could accept my "illness". well who in the right mind wants to put up with the nonsense. nonsense is really what it is.

so... here i am. i'll be home here for the holidays... alone... i don't know if that's necessarily a good thing. but going to be with my parents might not be the greatest thing either. last year i went and ended up in a real mess when i got back home.

push and pull... everything feels like push and pull these days.... i don't like it at all. it's scary. very scary. i know i won't end up like i was. i'm doing too well for that to happen... at least anytime soon. i just get scared that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. i want someone to share my life with... but at the same time i scared to let anyone know about my life.

i really wish this relationship could work out. there's things about it though that can't be worked out. so now is the ending that always sucks. he goes his way and i go mine and we forget the excellent times we had together - remember the bad ones. it seems like such a waste of time. it's a game i suppose. no one really wins though... do they. *sigh* the letting go....

so here i am again wishing for things that wishing won't help. everyday is a struggle. i know it is for most people. i just wish the struggle would go away. it could be worse... but it's not. it's my bad... my hell... who am i ever going to find to share in it.......

monday, december 3, 2001
more

i'm really just very lonely. the kind of lonely that happens even if i'm with someone... and i'm afraid that i'm always going to be this way. i mean... how does someone not be lonely? do ya let someone or a bunch of someones in and hope for the best... because that's what i've been trying for the last 20 years and it just doesn't seem to work.

people tell me i need to get out and meet people. it's honestly not so easy to do. it's frightening sometimes. a fear i suppose that it's time to let go of... i don't know if i've really tried letting go of it. i don't suppose i've been very successful if i have tried. but i really don't have control over the fear... it reaches up and grabs me before i can prepare for it. damn it it's so deep. damn it to those things in my life that caused it. oh yeah. it's there.

it's night time right now. in fact, it's time for me to go to bed.... in tears i sit here wondering what the point of any of this is.... i don't think things will change for me... i don't see anyone out there able to put up with such a case like me. yeah, this sounds pretty depressing... but for me... it's more just very embarassing. you can't imagine having to tell someone you plan to get intimate with... spend serious time with that you spent 6 weeks in a State Mental Hospital.... ... ... ... need i say more?

so off to bed i go... alone. it wouldn't matter if i wasn't physically alone. i'd still alone. no. i don't think there is anyone out there that can accept me for who i am... maybe i'm just going to be alone forever and maybe that's the way it's suppose to be... God only knows. good night.

tuesday, december 4, 2001
dont know why

you must go... don't really know if you know why... just know that i'll leave the light on... of course i will because that's what i do. i still have lights on for people out there i'll never see again... oh, but just incase... they are on! *kickin' myself*

yeah... i'm pretty much a "come and go" gal. you can come and go anytime you want. don't mind me... it's just my life here that i seem to be sacrificing for you.... whoever you might be. wait... is that you i hear saying STOP IT JAMI!!! yes well. i suppose i need to re-evaluate a few things in my life. probably should start with the "come and go" policy.

it's not that i'm uninterested (is that a word) in trying to strive for happiness... it's just that it seems to take soooo much damn energy. i don't have a bunch of that stuff. it seems to be on half empty all the time. i'm always trying to catch my breath it feels like. a healthcare professional told me that it's part of my disease... this depression and anxiety and whatever else. they say it/they usually affect your sex drive - not me - oh dear, was that too much info? God i hope my Dad doesn't read this...

well... it seems that my energy is less than half full at the moment. i'm going to go take a nice long bath... climb into my bed and read a book.

oh, by-the-way, thanks, dc, for the hug!

monday, december 10, 2001
so close, baby.

i don't think i know how to have a relationship... a real boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship. never mind the fact that i've been married. so this past weekend i set about defining the relationship i'm in at the moment. there were tears... some smiles and even a laugh or two. but there were hugs... serious, "i really care about you" hugs. not "i love you" hugs but that was ok. however, after all that chit chatting about what "we" are i don't know that i'm any closer to understanding it. i know that we are still together and that's a good thing. i like the guy. the only real guy friend i have is turtle and i've never even met him in person. so i like this guy as a friend. but i know we can't just be friends. there's toooo much more there - i think.

but anyway....

Mimsie and i have a christmas tree and a vacuum cleaner now. big purchases on the weekend.... no christmas ornaments.... but i got the tree and lights. and i have pressies from the parents underneath the tree. i'm not sure how i'm feeling about christmas this year. part of me thinks it should be the best i've had in awhile because of the significant other. but as i said the other day... being with someone doesn't help the loneliness i feel all the time. i'm grateful for a place to go for christmas... just wish i could feel good about my life in the mean time. geeesh i try.... i take my meds... i see my therapist. i even try doing things that he suggests... which is always a good idea i guess when you spend a boatload of money on the therapy sessions. i think i'm just down during the holidays. i soooooooooo don't want to be though. i like happy. i like being happy tooo.

lately sunday nights have been like fright-night for me. i don't know what happens but i really seem to lose it. i feel aggitated and angry and sad and scared.... all those things at once. it's weird... it's like i'm worried about going to work... my job is the greatest i've ever had and i'm worried about it. it's like i'm totally going in unprepared... but i'm not. it's just a crazy fear i have. it's so crazy that it really messes me up. so this past weekend i went into sunday knowing that i would turn into a crazy woman. i prepared so that i would go into it saying NO - NOT THIS TIME. i hung out with my bestfriend... it worked pretty well. she noticed i wasn't myself... but i did fairly well. i made it to bed at a decent hour and got up for work without a hitch. now that i've been there this week i'll go the rest of it... it'll be fine despite my crazy sunday.

i'm just babbling right now. i want to expand on some of the ideas that i talked about tonight but i've got a headache and i want to take a bath before Ally McBeal. so i'm going to take off for now. take care - talk soon.

tuesday, december 11, 2001
new ornaments

so i splurged and bought two ornaments for the once bare christmas tree that stands crooked in my frontroom. bought a little turtle.. heh... turtle... and a teapot.... both of which i collect around the house. i also found some white lights... yay for christmas...

but anyway... tonight will be the first day since mid-june that he hasn't called me... i see it happening. it'll be one day. then it'll be two days and soon we'll be nothing.... lots of people are encouraging me to be alone for awhile. but i look around at the people who tell me this and they aren't alone right now. how do they know that alone time is so great?

let me just say that i know about alone. i'm the one who is alone in a room full of people. i've had my share of alone time. it's just that i like people. i do like being around people. i just don't feel like i fit in anywhere. i'm not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough... i just have such a low self-concept. it's just not good enough... i'm not good enough. so being around people... i don't know... i guess i sorta try to fit in by being someone that i'm not. trying to be good or smarter or prettier than i see myself as being. in the end, not too many people get to know me. last weekend when i was crying with the bf i said something about him being a friend to me... he has seen the real me. the only other person who's been close enough to see me is Turtle. well, i guess my therapist, jonathan knows me pretty damn well too.

so no phone call tonight. i'm sitting here trying to justify it. he's busy working out-of-town at the moment. probably out having a late dinner with clients... nononono. i don't believe that. what i believe is that he's taking this opportunity to put some distance between the two of us. taking some time away from me. using his business trip as an excuse...... that's my twisted thinking. i mean... he called lastnight and was soooo sweet. can't wait to see me when he gets back into town on thursday... is excited to spend the weekend with me... blah, blah, blah. sooooo what's the problem you ask? *sigh* i don't know really. i guess the glass is half empty right now.

well, i'm going to bed now. alone. missing someone... wondering if it's the someone i should be missing. hrmm. not making much sense. wish i knew how to say what i'm thinking. it's just not there for me tonight. take care - talk soon.

thursday, december 13, 2001
you can retrace your steps
but don't you forget
i will leave the light on

my sister didn't leave the light on for me. acutally, she had turned the light off. there i was so little stretching... stretching the reach the cord that hung down from the light switch. but i was so little. i couldn't reach it.... and then there she was... she opened the door a crack and unscrewed the lightbulb... that was it. it was dark. whether i could stretch or not it was going to stay dark. i sat there... so afraid that i couldn't cry... i couldn't move... i was so frozen in my fear and she laughed. she laughed and she held the door closed so i couldn't get out. i remember the rose wallpaper... however, my mother tells me that the rose wallpaper closet wasn't the closet she saved me from. so how many closets... how many times had she (my sister) done this to me?

going over this doesn't make it any better. i still find myself short of breath just thinking about it... and all the other times my sister acted out her hatred on me... i suppose i shouldn't talk about it. i shouldn't think about it... i should just turn the memory off like i turn off a light switch. unfortunately it's a place in my life that i can't leave dark anymore. i need to open it up and let myself work through it. i realize it's not going to go away or anything... the things she did to me will last my lifetime. but maybe i won't have to live through the fear of it all again if i turn the light on... retrace my steps... yeah, maybe i'll beable to catch my breath and move on.

that's all i've got tonight. i feel like i don't expand on the things i talk about... i start something but can't find the words to really talk about any of it at length. maybe one day i can. until then... take care - talk soon.

wednesday, december 19, 2001
be back soon

Have Yourself a
Merry Little Christmas...

sunday, december 30, 2001
too much coffee

i've had too much coffee today... yikes! it's sunday... the day before the last day of the year. time for me to reflect i suppose. with guilt i say that this has been the best year for me in sooooo many years. how can i say that when i sat and watched as the second plane flew into the second tower? i watched it live... i watched as the towers tumbled... crumbled to the ground... i watch the terror overtake a city... and yet, this has been the best year of my life - in so many years...

in a way maybe i can say that the tragedies... um, what am i trying to say... the fact that we - the US - are rebuilding... i'm rebuilding... i've been rebuilding all year long. and i think that if New York can find a way to come back from such a horrible experience then i should be able to continue to come back from mine.

so today i'm up - postive. how do i carry on this outlook? i don't know - it's something that i struggle with all the time. having the good with the bad. i heard on the news today that 530 children lost both of their parents in the disaster.... i bet those little kids have good and bad days. i bet they continue to move forward without mommy and daddy.

so, it's difficult for me to admit that this has been such a great year for me. but i can't let the guilt get in the way of moving on. guilt has held me back from so much in 35 years.... i guess i need to accept that it's ok for me to feel positive - personally positive - about MY year. yeah. so i'll do that and at the same time i'll understand that we - the US - have had a awful year...... or something like that.

i'm off to paint pottery today. i need to take some piccies of my work for all of you to see.... Jami the Artist! take care - talk soon.