monday, february 4, 2001
if you love something let it go

this was a very strange weekend for me. i'm learning to move on alone and i think i'm doing fairly well. i don't like it but... yes, Turtle, you are right. instead of "venting", whining about being alone i need to get laid. Geesh, i hope my father isn't reading this. sorry Dad. Ew, and anyone else that might have just knocked off their chair. heh, sorry.

lauren (my roommate) is still in the hospital. for those of you unfamiliar with psych hospitals let me clue you in. for those of us who self-injure or might do so in the hospital they assign a babysitter of type. they watch you do EVERYTHING to make sure you don't injure yourself while you are there. lauren is a self-injurer - actually, she's the poster child for self-injury. i'm so serious! anyway, she's been in the hospital for 4 weeks or so and she is still under observation (babysitter). she managed to pound her head into the wall while the sitter was right there watching her. i'm not sure what this says about the employee or the hosptial (it's supposed to be a safe place) but, lauren ended up with 2 very severe black eyes. i saw her Friday. it scared me and i've seen self-injury first hand.

self-injury is usally associated with cutting. but, it's not just that. it's a lot of things. it's brusing and picking at scars and starving yourself... all types of things that we don't recognize as easily as cutting. the following is just one of the many websites out there for those who self-injure and those who want to know more about WHY. Go Here! of course if you have any other questions you can always email me. i can answer as much as i know.......

i've got class to get to. just wanted to take a break and well, this is a good release for me. i have more about my visit with my friend... and the fact that lonely isn't the problem..... i'll talk soon.

tuesday, february 5, 2001
oh, but of course!

it's been a month since my father last read my journal and suddenly he decides to read yesterday's entry. errr. sorry Dad.

teaching is starting to make sense to me again. i feel like i'm treading water most of the time. it does feel like i know what i'm doing. the whole self-esteem issue has been and still is to an extent getting in the way. i'm finally feeling like i can answer any (almost any) question they have to ask. logically i DO know all the answers but the demons take over my brain sometimes and *poof* the answers are gone. now i just need to work with the whole confidence issue i have regarding the two geniuses that i work with.

it looks as though i'm going to have a visitor monday. i don't have school. it's Honest Abe's birthday or something like that. so, yeah, the nice boy that i've called my boyfriend in the past says he might just swing down to Chi-town for a visit. i'm not holding my breath. but, if he does it will be nice to see him again. it's been 4 months now since i've seen him. honestly, i think he misses Mimsie and really wants to come see her. she lived with him for about 6 months. and, just like her mommie, she likes men loads more than women. i don't blame her though... what can a female cat do for her? she's not fixed... need i say more?

i'm really considering changing my whole layout. i am seriously bored with what i have. but, of course, i have zero time to work on it. i don't have the access i need at home and work... well... work is hellbusy (is that a word?). i shouldn't even be writing this entry. i just needed a break. oh shit, i have seminar to teach tomorrow and i have go grocery shopping tonight (don't ask). i think i'll be moving out of my house (the group home) very soon. i just can't keep up with my responsibilities. and, sunday i lost my cool with one of my roommates. not that i haven't done that before. she accused me of being verbally abusive... geesh, i'm not even going to touch that one. so... i think i'll start looking for a place. it's time i think!

and, it's time for me to get back to work. thanks for reading. talk soon.......

thursday, february 8, 2001
a whole new look

i looked in the mirror the other day and realized that i was actually looking at myself. it was like someone i didn't know had suddenly jumped out of nowhere. but, it wasn't just someone. it was me. i was actually looking at myself for the very first time. it was a bit frightening...

i suppose this explains the "new look" here. i've been working hard with jon to try to figure out who the hell i really am. i've been trying to let myself be me - do the things i like - be however i want to be..... i don't know if seeing myself for the first time in the mirror means anything. i'd like to believe it wasn't just a coincidence (sp?).

i don't have much time here today. i have to get ready for practice. Turtle, where have you gone? geesh, you are never around anymore. hope you are ok. David... thank you... you know why! talk soon.

friday, february 9, 2001
made it through another week without my turtle...

turtle hasn't surfaced all week. i hope he's ok! other news... there isn't much. i'm continuing my "who am i" search this weekend. i'm rewarding myself for working all week. ok, actually, i'm just buying a digital camera this weekend. i feel like i should sorta have a good reason. it is a bunch of money to spend on myself. ah, i could use the ole "i'm worth it" bit but... well... maybe i don't need a reason. i'm just going to buy the damn thing! when i get it i can take lot's of piccies of my Mimsie. she's the greatest little puffball there is!

i guess i don't have much more for ya today. turtle, if you are here email me damn it! *grin*

tuesday, february 13, 2001
the fear in it all

i had an anxiety attack driving home from my therapy session lastnight. i don't know if it was just a reaction to having spent the day with David and having to let him go home or just the work i do when i'm with jonathan (my therapist).

i left jon's office feeling damn worthless. i don't think you are supposed to feel worse when you end therapy than when you begin it. the last few sessions that's exactly what's been going happening. it's tough to figure out. jonathan asks questions and i don't have any answers.

he ended yesterday by asking me to think about what i want out of life and what i want out of therapy. shit, does anyone ever really know what they want out of life? i really just want this underlying sadness that i feel all the time to go away. i don't want to keep leaving jon's office feeling worse than when i get there.

i don't know... i'm feeling a bit lost lately. i did see David yesterday and that was indescribable (sp?). i won't bore you with those details. Thank you David for the visit! i'm off to do more school work. talk soon....

wednesday, february 14, 2001
happy valentine's day

i'm torn between writing about V-day or writing about the anxiety and lack of concentration i've been experiencing the last i don't know how long. it's difficult for me to talk about valentine's day because i don't feel particularly loved. at least not by me... did that make sense. i've been feeling down again lately. feeling like i just can't keep my head above water. right now i should be grading papers but i just can't seem to focus. it's as if i'll fall to pieces if i start working on them. or... maybe it's the fact that i can't concentrate long enough without being worried about what comes next. people with PTSD (post-tramatic stress syndrom) have these problems. great, so, give me a label for my problem and it'll all go away. i used to believe that. if someone could just tell me what was wrong i could fix it. i've been trying to fix "this" for a few years now. people keep changing their minds about what the problem really is. the most consistent of the diagnosises (sp?) is the PTSD diagnosis. it makes the most sense.

but anyway..... here i sit typing away when i should be grading tests. i better go... i know this is a really screwed up entry but i'm feeling really screwed up lately.... more later maybe...

wednesday, february 14, 2001
happy valentine's day


I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

Details
Written by Martin L. Gore
(c)1984 Grabbing Hands Music Ltd/EMI Music Publishing Ltd
All rights reserved. Lyrics electronically reprinted with permission.

friday, february 16, 2001
sick people

damn am i glad it's friday. i only taught four days this week but it's seemed like an eternity.

my friend is sick. he's actually very sick. and, at the same time he's very upset with me. my problem is that without making him any angrier i'm trying to figure out how to be there for him. everything i say seems to just upset him more. i'm sorry for that.

i'm remembering a beautiful, clear day last spring. i was at david's. he was showing me around the U of M (university of michigan) campus. it was gorgeous out. the tulips were in full bloom. i don't know why i'm suddenly remembering this day. maybe it's because i'd just really like to have it back... like to have David back the way i had him that day.

i have a lot friends who would really just like me to leave him alone... let him get through it all on his own - the way he wants it. it's hard for me though... in remembering the day in michigan i am also thinking about him visiting me in the hospital last summer. no, he didn't come everyday. he lived 450 miles away at the time. but he didn't turn his back on me when i was seeing people and hearing things. it's hard for me to just sit here and not be able to help him... show him the support he showed me when i was down.

if i'm not careful i'm going to end up losing out on everything here. lose my friends because i can't just stop caring... lose david because i'm too possessive or insecure. i'm just sitting here thinking about everything i've been told... everything that i've said about the situation... i don't want to lose anyone. but, i also don't want to lose sight of myself and what i believe in. if i give up on that i'm nowhere... i need to do what is in my heart......

it's friday. i freak out on friday's a lot. there's just so much unstructured time on the weekends. it's overwhelming. i do have a lot of school work to do. i also have a few things to attend. i'm going to try to get past this craziness going on in my life at the moment and be productive this weekend. it's going to be tough but i'm going to just give things over to someone else to worry about.... talk soon...

friday, february 19, 2001
rambling thoughts for you...

i'm not feeling very talkative. i have to actually do something i don't want to. i have to let go of someone that i just hate to say i can't do this anymore to... did that make sense? probably not.

i thought maybe i'd stop writing here. i think there are only about two people who even bother.... one of them says he likes to read my thoughts... the other one is my father. hmmm..

i just wonder about my life and where it's going. i'm sad most all the time. will it ever go away? i try to work on the things jonathan suggests... i listen to friends like turtle and lauren... but the underlying sadness always seems to be there.

just so everyone knows... i hate being alone. i'm actually afraid of being alone.... i don't want to grow old alone. have i said the word alone enough yet? gah...

well, that's about all the jumbled mess i can come up with at the moment.. maybe more later... cheers!

tuesday, february 20, 2001
if i'm not in love with you

i was going to post some more lyrics. i decided there isn't any point to it though... the entry title comes from a Faith Hill song... if i'm not in love with you... at the moment i'm listening to Joe Cocker sing "You Are So Beautiful". i don't feel particularly beautiful.

in fact, at the moment i'm feeling sad again... i'm sorry Turtle, i know you think i'm a complete drag when i'm sad. but sadness has such a strong hold on me. i try to shake it only to find that i'm ignoring it when i need to address it.

geesh, i just don't have anything to write about... i think i should take a break from this for a while... maybe take it back up in a couple of weeks. all i seem to do is whine about being sad. there has to be something out there to help me... or, maybe it's inside of me. i don't know. i do know i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of trying and not getting anything back.

*whine*
*mope*
*sigh*

don't worry... i'll be ok..... thank you my friends for sticking by me! you make me happy...

thursday, february 22, 2001
i'm back

ok, so i'm not taking the break that i thought i would take. this is an addiction i think. entry, entry, entry... i hear my head saying. get it out on paper... or computer screen for that matter. i just don't know what to get out. everything seems so stuck at the moment.

i'm seriously stressed out about nearly everything going on in my life at the moment... david, my stuff at david's house, the house expectations (the house i live in), my job, softball. it's all so overwhelming. it would seem that i overextended myself when i agreed to do softball. i'm not a fun person when i over do it.

i've been having regular conversations with myself lately. talking over what the hell happened or is happening with david. trying to come to grips with the fact that he doesn't really want me in his life suddenly... ha, i say suddenly but it's been going on like this for almost 5 months now. i'm just not understanding what it is that i didn't see... i don't get what it is that he's doing right now. i don't like being left out in the cold. and, instead of recognizing that he's issues are way bigger than i can comprehend i blame myself for everything. if only i'd been better at this... good at that... if only i hadn't done this... or that. it's the little kid who lives with alcoholic parents syndrome. if only i'd be perfect my parents wouldn't drink. NOTE: that was only an example. my parents don't drink at all.

i drive myself crazy (not that i'm not all ready there) trying to figure things out that probably don't have an answer. the truth is that i didn't do anything to deserve to be treated/ignored that way i've been ignored. i tried to help but he didn't want any. i just don't know what to believe in anymore. but it would seem that that is exactly how he wants it. i just need to live my life the way I want to live it. geesh, it's not like that's a new concept or anything. i know Turtle, you've only been telling me all of this for forever. i'm just stubborn and hard-headed (in case you didn't know that all ready :o).

i'm just sad..... i don't like rejection. not that anyone does. i'll adjust though... i'll be ok. i'll be happy with me soon..... cheers.

friday, february 23, 2001
empty shell

i'm a cancer... horoscope-wise. if you read up on any of that you'll see that we "crabs" tend to retreat into our shells when in danger - or when we don't feel like dealing with something. we hide. last night i realized that my shell is empty. there isn't anything in there. i don't know who i am... i don't know what direction i'm headed. i can't seem come to terms with this relationship... i'm just void... of... well, i don't know - just void. i mean, i can get a long with people fine. and, i'm functioning fairly well. i get my stuff done. but inside there is nothing. jonathan called last night to talk to me and i just didn't know what to say. there isn't much to talk about when your insides feel invisible.

feelings...

what the hell sort of feelings don't feel? ok, that didn't make sense... i just don't like this nothingness. i've talked in the past about how uncomfortable just "being with myself" is. i sit still and if feels like a million people are reaching in and trying to touch me. it's really disturbing. the trick now is to find away to deal with being with myself. i can't possibly discover who i am if i can't feel who i am. ok, there i go again not making sense... blah.

part of me really wants to move forward. in fact, a HUGE part of me wants to do this. but there is this emptiness holding me back. am i covering up something i really need to deal with? am i just too afraid to experiment with life? geesh, i don't know. i want more friends. i want to go out and do more things. unfortunately, i don't know how to really do that anymore. when i was in my early twenties it didn't seem like i had a problem finding something to do with someone. now i think about going out there and finding people and i feel stuck. perhaps it's that i don't feel like i can be a very good friend to anyone. i don't feel like i have anything to offer a relationship - platonic or romantic (whew, platonic - big word. hope i spelled it right).

the day is almost over. it's friday - yay. i'm going to make a serious attempt to find something to do this weekend - other than sit in my room frozen stiff with anxiety. oh, where to go, what to do..... see ya in few days.... jami

sunday, february 25, 2001
honestly, ok

i just want to feel safe in my own skin,
i just want to be happy again
i just want to feel deep in my own world
but i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore
on a different day, if i was safe in my own skin,
then i wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
but this is today and i'm lost in my own skin
and i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore
i just want to feel safe in my own skin,
i just want to be happy again

honestly ok, dido

monday, february 26, 2001
see and me

me: See. Are you here? I'm feeling so lost and lonely lately.

see: I'm here. You aren't that lonely. This David thing... Jami, you need desparately to see it for what it is... or, isn't.

me: I try.

see: Not hard enough. You aren't the first to be treated this way. And, this isn't the first you've been treated like this.

me: I know. But, everytime I try to convince myself that this isn't going to be the same. It just doesn't seem to work well in my favor.

see: Which means it's not suppose to. You are just fine my friend. It's time to say the hell with everyone else and just live life... have fun...

me: Ok, I try. It's just not easy.

see: No, it's easier to just sit and sulk about it all.

me: No need to be so sarcastic. I don't think I sit around and sulk all the time. I do things... I did things this weekend. I hung out with friends... even saw and old "friend". I was active... it's just when I settled down at the end of the day I was left with the wondering... why?

see: Why were you left with it all? Well, you need to deal with it - just not all the time. Use Jonathan... talk to him about it and then let it go until you see him again. You can try to justify everything 100 different ways in your head but none of them are going to make it all work for you... um, that didn't make sense... I just mean that trying to figure it out isn't going to work. Stuff just happens, J... you can't will it to happen.

me: I know that.

see: Boy you are cranky today. How about we end this little conversation and you go be cranky somewhere else.

me: I'm sorry. But, maybe you are right. Maybe we should stop this convo. I do have a lot of work to do. And, you've made some really great points. I just need to work on it all some more.

see: Just don't try too hard. You become all consumed by the stuff and then you don't get anything done. Just relax and take it as it comes.

me: Yeah... ok... thanks... talk again soon!