wednesday, january 31, 2001
while you were away

jonathan,
you've been gone for one day. today would be a normal appointment for me but... you had to go and take a vacation. so, what would i say if i was there with you? no, not on vacation with you - in your office for my appointment? the last couple of sections i've been dealing with some kind of monster that only likes to surface when you are around. i don't suppose i have to be a therapist to know that it happens this way because i feel safe when i'm around you. even the other day when i said i was feeling like i should be afraid of you... it wasn't really you that i was afraid of. it was only an image of some monster and you happened to be there.

if you were to read this (my website) and i know that you don't... you'd see that yesterday i wrote how strong i'm feeling. that this month as been a growing month for me. i do believe that! i know it's been rough in some spots but i think i'm able to deal with it better. i've been able to "let go" of things that before i had a death grip on. i'm upset about things but i think i know that most of them i can't do anything about so i just sorta let go of them (ok, did i just say the same thing twice?).

i still have a ton of anxiety. i saw Dr. Ramakrishna (my sister would be proud) yesterday. she said that the anxiety is something that medicine can't do much for. she thinks i just need to continue therapy with you. i knew that. i'd be completely lost without you to help me sort through all of this mess. it getting a bit tidier (did i spell that right?)

david is missing again - as you know. i'm not going to go into it all again. i've spent too much time and energy trying to figure it out. no, i'm just going to let it go. i'll talk to him when i talk to him. and, you are right, it's not about my stuff. i'll get it back. it's just about being abandoned i think. it's a familiar feeling. i've been "abandoned" in the past. i've gotten over it. i am actually stronger i think because of it all. ok, this is way too sappy. i suppose i'll let you go for now. it's the end of the month so i'm going to be starting a new month of entries. i think this is an important one though... maybe i'll just leave it here for awhile. ok, that was website garabage that you didn't need to know - just thinking aloud... if that's possible on a computer.

i'm gone for now... talk soon... j

tuesday, january 30, 2001
nearing the end...

boy, january has been good for me. i've discovered a lot of things about myself (a list would only bore you). although my sessions with jon have been VERY tough lately things are working in my favor. I AM STRONGER! i just feel like such a fat, little, ugly child sometimes. this isn't a new feeling. i'm just sooooo insecure at times - especially with jon.

i have to credit Turtle with some of this. his ultimatum (sp?) last month - saying he'd take a hike if i didn't get some of these idiots out of my life - it made me think. i really don't want to lose Turtle. he's been very supportive. i think i'm sorta hesitant to say that though. if you recall (and even if you don't) i really went off on how supportive David had been with me... now he's disappeared again. but, that's not a problem. i'm settled with what is happening in my life. or, i should say settling.

Turtle was right! out with the bad - in with the good! i'm just really lucky that my good are THAT DAMN GOOD (triple H quote from wrestling)! well, class calls... more later!!!

monday, january 29, 2001
monday

oh it's a cold one here in the city. i guess i don't have much to report. i'm seeing jonathan tonight. last friday was a really tough session. i'm not sure what happened. i just know i couldn't wait to get out of his office. self-injure? no, i don't think i'm going to do that anymore. it doesn't make anything better (ok, so that's a bit obvious).

i guess i don't know what to think sometimes. jon said that i looked really sad friday. come to think about it... i think i am sad - a lot. i'm happy more now than i have been in the past but... sad, well, sad is normal for me. i'm working on it though.

in other news... david has disappeared again - big surprise. AND, my turtle surfaced! he is doing well lifting my spirits. it's hard to stay sad when i read one of his emails! thank you turtle! i guess that's all i have today. talk soon!

sunday, january 28, 2001
.....

"When you're are stuck in something and you don't feel you're developing anymore or are bored with your life, you're much better off to think in a totally new way."
Dr. Jerri Nielsen

the last couple of days i've started an entry but not finished it. i've just been without ideas. i question myself about where i am and where i'm going but i don't get any answers back. questions about God... questions about my relationships... questions about my job and staying in the city. so, i'm reading the Sun Times this morning and i find this quote. not that i'm planning to change my life drastically - i'm not planning to go to the South Pole. but, i sorta needed the permission to think of where and what and why and how. this quote - this article is giving me just the right permission. i'm done for now. i'll be back in a few days... talk then... kisses, j

friday, january 26, 2001
TGIF

i don't have much to say... it's friday, though, and that's a very good thing. i hope everyone is good. email me sometime and let me know who you are!

thursday, january 25, 2001
i think i've lost my turtle

this has been a complete day from hell! and, on top of it all i think i've lost my Turtle :o( where are you?

anyway... sunday i had about $400.00 stolen from my coat IN MY OWN HOME! yes, one of my wonderful roommates just helped herself to my stuff. ok, ok, so it was sitting out in the open for all of 30 mins. but, that doesn't give anyone the right to help herself into my stuff. i think i know who did it but i can't prove it. i've also screwed up and have this money issue. i've never been good with money. i mean i have money i just can't get to it. long story. boring story. what's not boring is the fact that i really miss my turtle!

where are you friend? do you miss me like i miss you? i know you are reading this because i see your url (or whatever it is) when i check my counter - yes, i'm a counter junky. anyway, since all i'm doing is whining i suppose i'll sign off for the day.

before i go just wanted to update you a bit. i've started coaching softball. it's taking up a lot of my free (ha, free) time. i have 30 girls out for 18 positions. i hate cuting people from teams. i've also started teaching a really cool seminar. it's a History of Mathematics seminar. i know - doesn't sound to great. but, it's going to be a bunch of fun. i only have 5 kids in it so we can do things i wouldn't be able to do with a lot of students. i'll keep you posted even if you don't want to know anything about it!

i guess that's all i've got for you today. take care... talk soon!

tuesday, january 23, 2001
though we are strangers

Though we're strangers, still I love you
I love you more than your mask
And you know you have to trust this to be true
And I know that's much to ask
But lay down your fears, come and join this feast
He has called us here, you and me

ok, so i did it again... this is from a Rich Mullin's CD. i've been listening to it for a few days. i'd lost the tape and had been having a hell of a time locating the CD. Rich was killed in an automobile accident in 1997. So, the CD was obviously a bit old... and out of circulation. But, anyway...

the other day i went into one of our lovely Chicago Currency Exchanges (don't ask why i don't have a bank account - yikes). i needed to get some money. i was so blown away by the fact that this woman who was waiting on ME was taking her sweet ole time. like i was there for her! it's just sorta the way people are here in Chicago. at least the people i've been running around with... or just running next to... something like that. people on the train... nothing. they don't even acknowledge your presence. it's go, go, go for me, me, me. i suppose it's just the way society is today. i'd like to believe that the whole world isn't this way.

so what does this have to do with the song? well, i refuse to treat people the way they seem to be treating me. i have no reason to dislike someone i've never met. if i don't dislike them than i don't think i need to treat them like shit.... or, even ignore their presence in my life. don't get me wrong.... i'm not going to go around saying "hello, i love you" to just anyone... or, anyone at all for that matter. it's just... i don't know, i think i'd like to let people know that i'm a human being... one who needs to reach out and say hello.

school has been hectic. grades were due today. i'm past that obstacle. now i have to prepare for a new seminar i'm teaching on History of Mathematics... and get things around for softball. i start coaching tomorrow after school. i'm going to let you go for now. i'll be back soon! hang in there and PLEASE... acknowledge the guy next to you once in a while!

take care.... j

saturday, january 20, 2001
back to God

Dear God,

i'm writing this because... well, i don't really know. i'm trying to work on my spirituality but i'm lost really. i've tried to deal with my feelings toward you but i haven't been very successful. ya see, i just don't understand how you can worry about each and every one of us at one time. i suppose it's the human thing - i think of you in a human form and that's probably not what you are like. i just don't know how to picture you.

when i was younger i asked my pastor how you were born... he said it happened sorta like baking a cake. i have to say that 25 years later i'm no closer to understanding it all... where did you come frem? who are you? what are you? am i really important to you? geesh, i'm confused.

it seems like you've got so much more important stuff to deal with than to deal with me. sorta feel like i'm not worthy of your time. jonathan really doesn't like to hear me say that. but, it's the truth. you've got hungry and homelessness, war and natural disasters.... how would you/ could you possibly have time to listen to me.

i just don't understand. i know i need you in my life. i just don't really know how to get you there. this letter could go on and on but... it'd just say the same things. i suppose i'm just going to have to take it all a day at a time. i'll go for now. but, i'll be back. i'll be back soon!

thursday, january 18, 2001
in a cab, on my way home

i heard your voice again.
i can't exactly explain.
it was somewhere in a song.
the cabbie turned it up
not knowing it was you.

i felt you reach out to me
the way you did that night.
i saw the look in your eyes
telling me you couldn't love me.
i felt the tears in my own.

you said that not being able to love me
would be harder to do,
harder than telling me you couldn't.
you would have to live with it.
i'm confused - what am i doing?

i know i no longer love you.
i've moved on to someone else.
he loves me back in different ways.
still, no one will ever take your place.
it's safely hidden deep in my soul.

i love him more than i thought possible.
he reaches within when he touches me.
still, i can't help but wonder where we'd be.
i left the cab while the song was still playing.
similar to the way you left me that night.

january 17, 2001

wednesday, january 17, 2001
hold me jesus

there's a Rich Mullins song that i've been listening a lot to lately. i'll spare you the lyrics even though i think they are quite awesome. i will however suggest, strongly, that you download "hold me jesus" and take a listen.

i'm not the strongest christian in the world. in fact, i suppose i'm borderline christian. i just have a really hard time trying to figure out God. but, don't we all... i guess not all of us.

i've tried to always stay clear of getting into the religion topic. i suppose it's because i don't feel like i know anything about it. i certainly don't know where i fit into the whole scheme of things.

i'm working on it though - in my own little way. i think the first obstacle i have to get past is understanding that God isn't human... i think i view him as a human being and in my eyes, no human being can look out for every single person on this planet. it's impossible. i mean, i know he's NOT human but i just don't know how to view him... or her for that matter. but if he's not a human than i guess he can't be a he or a she.

OH BOY... this is getting too confusing and i have to teach in a few minutes. I'll just stop here for the day. if you have any ideas for me... please share!

soooo... i'll talk to you later.

sunday, january 14, 2001
can we stay?

when dreaming i'm guided through another world
time and time again

at sunrise i fight to stay asleep
'cause i don't want to leave the comfort of this place

'cause there's hunger, a longing to escape
from the life i live when i'm awake

so let's go there
let's make our escape
come on, let's go there
let's ask can we stay?
higher , CREED

last week i had a hell of a time getting to work. jonathan thinks i was just having trouble adjusting to being home after having spent Christmas with the folks. i don't know. i do know that going to sleep at night was... could still be... hell. i just don't want to surrender to sleep. it's as if i'm giving up and dying... until i wake up the next morning. and, it's only at night. i have no trouble at all taking naps during the day. in fact, i get my best sleep during naps.

monday i didn't go to work... tuesday i woke up and just didn't want to do anything. i wanted to go back to sleep because it was a safe place. i suppose that's sorta confusing since i just told you that going to sleep is so difficult. it's the going to sleep at night. once i've been asleep i just don't want to wake up. i don't really have too many bad dreams or anything so... like i just said... once i'm alseep i'm fine.

here i am near the end of this entry and i feel like i'd rather just delete it all and start over some other time with a better topic. but, i forget that this is my journal. i write for myself not for anyone else. however, just for the record, i had a wonderful day yesterday. i wasn't anxious... i was just all around happy - a bit tired - but happy. that's a new thing for me. or just not a normal thing for me. i'm taking off with a friend today. having brunch with people i don't know... then i'm going to visit Mimsie! it looks like i'm having a fairly good day today also.... woohoo!

so... maybe i'll wait to run away (like the song says). i'll just hang out for awhile. i've got some papers to grade. i need to finish cleaning my room - ick. until next time....

wednesday, january 10, 2001
happy time

will you take my hand so i'm not alone...
will you be my friend... will you walk with me...
can we wash away the history...
there is a clean rain falling over me...

those are some lyrics from a Vonda Sheppard song i really like. it's happy time... i made it through a bad "fall" this past week or so. i'm proud to say that i rode out the rollercoaster from hell... i am on the right track now. thanks to some little chit-chats with people i can trust i did it! the cool thing is that most of those people never even knew i was having problems. sure, i vented a bit here and there. but, for the most part i just talked... and talked... and talked... heh... thanks to my friends!

i'll probably write more later today. i just wanted to get that one out! also, i wrote an entry late last night that some of you may not have read... it's a good one! it's an important one to me! i'm also proud to say that the friend i was talking about in the entry is doing well! hey, maybe the prayers really worked. augh, but the whole "God" issue is a different entry. that is if i ever decide to write the entry - i may just decide not to even go there!

talk later... kisses from me!

wednesday, january 10, 2001
tell me then, Jami, what's it all about?

it's not about not being able to stand on my own two feet... not about me being strong. it's not even about me being "foolishly" in love... it's about knowing what it feels like to just be tired of trying. and not wishing the feeling on my worst enemy... honestly.

i'm not giving anyone any excuses for their behavior just because they have a mental illness. i am, however, feeling some deep sadness for a friend who i know is going through a really tough time right now.

Deborah from I Never Promised You a Rose Garden says it so well... she says, "You know... the thing that is so wrong about being mentally ill is the terrible price you have to pay for survival." that's how i feel about my friend. there is a price to pay for surviving... and it's a damn high one!

to say that this person is just a friend is really a huge understatement... but that's not what this is all about. it's about one human being feeling some deep feelings of sorrow for another. it's about wishing i could just take it all away for him... wave my magic wand. but i can't. and it hurts.

that's what it's all about!

tuesday, january 9, 2001
in a world of hurt

she sat there in the corner ... i don't think she could have curled up any tighter. the tears were so real that i could feel them. i could feel her pain. i watched as she reached out for something - not realizing i was there. at the time it could have been anything but i'm guessing she was looking for answers. i wanted to remind her just how gentle she had been with the dragon. how it was so obvious to others that she loves and can be loved so easily. but she couldn't hear me. she was so tied up in grief. i turned to leave... as i shut the door i swear i heard something - laughter coming from somewhere deep within her. perhaps it was happiness reaching out to me earlier. i turned back and smiled and asked her to believe in that laughter. then, i gently shut the door and let her be.

monday, january 8, 2001
from my Dad

Jami - Dragon Tamer - January 2001

Although my daughter Jami has fought her share of demons,
(Winning some major battles with them, I should add!),
I have discovered something about her that I have never known;
She can tame non-lethal small dragons with a loving gentle touch.

When we were walking from the rose garden toward our car,
The discovery unfolded before my eyes in the cold Florida sun.
Spotting the little guy (?) unmoving as tho dead on the sidewalk
She smiled, knelt, and magically caressed him back to life!

vy


saturday, january 6, 2001
grouchy, grumpy and feeling like shit

i don't suppose i need to say more. the title pretty much sums it up. i've had this flu thing for the last couple of days. wanted to just pick up the phone and whine about it to someone but i don't have anyone to do that with... (aww, looking for sympathy)

i start back to school monday. i suppose i'm ready. i really don't want to get up at all hours of the morning and go out into the cold... but... that's the way it goes. being in Florida for break reminded me just how much i miss a small town life. this big city thing sucks! a bus and two trains to work... pushing around to get where i want to go... no one talking to anyone - God forbid a decent, friendly conversation... people just don't care much about anything except getting to work or getting home.

i don't know what the future holds for me. i've been reading a lot that says i should really have a plan. what i want and don't want in my life... what i can and can not do... so i've been thinking about it. i haven't gotten very far, honestly. i convienently (sp?) find other things to take up my time. other very important things... ugh. truth is, i have all the time in the world to think about my life - where it is, where it's going... i just spend too much time with where it's been. it's pretty stagnate at the moment. a few weeks ago i did a bit about "who I am". hell, all that has even changed. i don't know exactly where i am at the moment. i do know that there are a few things that i want to keep here with me. i have a couple of really great friends that i need. they've been pretty tough on me lately but they've made me think about things.

i'm going back to my school work. gonna clean up my room and finish my evergrowing pile of laundry. then i think i'm going to take some time to think about the what and where and when of my life. i'll be back soon...

*peace*

monday, january 1, 2001
See and Me

you there?

yes, i'm here. what's wrong?

i'm not sure... just not feeling like myself. *laugh* like i'd know what it would be like to feel myself...

still pretty hard on yourself i see.

well, yeah. i've been thinking about Jonathan wanting me to get "in touch" with myself. who am i See?

i can't tell you that. i do think you know more about yourself than you want to admit.

why wouldn't i want to admit to knowing myself?

*shrug* habit maybe... you've spent a lot of time out there in left field because life has worked for you out there. it's not working now though... now it's time to come on in and face yourself.

you sound like my softball coach from high school. i won't mention that i really didn't like the man. *grin* however, i think you are right. i think i do know... actually i do know more about myself than i let on. it's just not easy to verbalize.

it hasn't been real easy to act on either.

good point. it's just pretty damn confusing sometimes.

you've had some good time to think about it now over your break.

i had expected to spend a lot more time outside alone... the cool weather has kept me in. in with my whole family.

now, don't go blaming your family for keeping you from doing some soul searchin'

i didn't say that! i just don't get much time alone with them around. i wanted to spend time reading and writing outside. wanted to wake up in the morning and enjoy some quality time with myself out on the porch. maybe i'm just so "comfortable" with hiding away from everything. *sigh* i go home wednesday. tomorrow is the last day here before we drive up north to the airport.

so... spend it outside... spend it doing some looking around for that strength that Turtle says he sees in you.

you have to remind me about that don't ya.

he's right ya know. you do have some awesome strengths. you are living your life through your weaknesses Jami. and, i think you are right when you say it's just become habit for you. but, habits can be broken. work on it babe...

yeah, work on it... it just seems like i do nothing but work, work, work... if not my job than it's on my personal life. i'm tired of working.

that's too bad because you will work on something everyday for the rest of your life. maybe you can stop looking at it as work and just strive for some success. celebrate the good things. let the bad things wash away with the tide that brings them in.

*thinking*

Jami, the truth is... you need to enjoy life. good and bad things will happen to you forever. what's more enjoyable for you? the good or the bad? in the past you've gotten a lot out of the bad things... or at least you thought you were getting something out of them. change it! start working towards happiness.

heh, happiness... peace... i think i'll go for now... you've given me a lot to think about.

good! you take care until we talk again! be strong!

thank you... good night...

good night...

sunday, december 31, 2000
tomorrow the sun will rise

i saw the movie Cast Away the other night. it might be Tom Hank's next academy. i won't tell you about the movie... i'll just mention that there is a point in the movie where he says... "tomorrow, the sun will rise". it's one of those really believable lines... the last time i felt so strongly about a line in a movie was when i saw As Good As It Gets. Jack Nicholson (who won an academy for the part, by-the-way) walks out of his psychiatrist's office and looks at the people in the waiting room.... he says to them... "what if this is as good as it gets".... oh wow did that hit home! i was well into my depression struggle at the time of the movie. i'd asked myself that same question soooo many times.

but anyway, back to Cast Away. tomorrow the sun will rise.... through everything that i've been through or put myself through the next day is always there and the sun always rises. i remember early on in my fight i'd start to feel Satan's rollercoaster welling up inside of me and i'd go to sleep. i'd go to sleep even if it was 3:00pm. it didn't matter because in the morning i'd wake up and it'd be gone. but even that stopped being the case. i'd go 2-3 days with the pain and hell and sickness... not mania... anxiety. if you've ever suffered from either you know they definitely are not the same. they are each a whole separate monster. 2-3 days go by never knowing when i might get off the rollercoaster. i no longer know when it will subside. doctors aren't giving me anxiety meds anymore... i have to ride it out - so to speak. about all i know is the the sun will rise in the morning.

what i decide to do is entirely up to me. since October i've decided to get up and teach school... since i was in the hospital this summer i've decided to continue seeing my therapist, my psychiatrist and taking my meds. i can't say i'm functioning the best outside of school. i can say that i'm getting the job done which is a pretty damn big accomplishment considering... you can read my year... i won't bother you with it. to some my year was nothing. i think about that a lot. the people dealing with a deadly disease, poverty, war... but, it was something that i'd not put on my worst enemy.

i'm working everyday. that's what's important. i have great friends... David, Lauren, Turtle, Laura, Lynne (iowa lynne). i have a great job (i couldn't ask for a better teaching environment). i've got a roof over my head even if it is a group home. and... as all of you know i have the greatest therapist in the world. thank you Jon! in addition to all of this i have pretty damn understanding parents - even if they do stress me out now and then. things aren't the greatest. i'm still working on who i am and who i want to be. i'm trying desperately to discover the strength that Turtle sees in me... i'm just working in general to find my missing peace. thank you all for believing in me... for loving and caring about me... and for staying with me through the worst.

mike mentioned that he wasn't going waste time listing a bunch of resolutions that he was only going to forget about. i have to agree with him. i'm going for now... Happy New Year all! i'll be back soon.

*peace*