tuesday, january 1, 2002
1 am
happy new year
sat home tonight and watched the "sex and the city" marathon. yep. that's all i did tonight. rang in the new year with the girls. and now here i am.
coming up with resolutions for this year won't be easy. it never has been. in fact, for years now i've skipped it. why not... nothing ever happens with them. i never lose weight. i continue to suck at saying no to people - thus i continue to be taking advantage of... ah, but i'll settle myself down here tomorrow and try to come up with a list for jonathan. for jonathan... for me? i don't know. maybe it's just late tonight and i don't have much to say. i feel like i should... i should welcome the world into the new year. but i'm finding that i don't really care much... january - december, 2002 - 2001... just another year. maybe i'm afraid to set goals for myself. i mean, i didn't set any for 2001 and i ended up having a really great year. hey if it's not broke - don't fix it, right?
i think Mimsie and i'll go to bed now. good night everybody. and, happy new year. take care - talk soon.
friday, january 4, 2002
there's got to be a hero somewhere
"They began to feel that all this country was unreal, and that they were stumbling through an ominous dream that led to no awakening." J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Yes! i've been there and done that... felt like i just wanted to wake up from my life. 2001 started something different for me - something very good. hopefully it'll last a few years...
i've been here everyday since the last time i wrote wanting to write something new. but lately i've felt like i need to be in this mood... this melancoly might be the word. i've put on music... done some other things too but nothing has been working - i can't find the mood. even before - last year even - i was having problems. i write alot about how this place is my escape. i can come here and do whatever i want... say what i want to who i want... be whoever i want to be. tell the world to fuck off if i want. but it seems like sometime last year i locked up my thoughts and now i can't find the key... it's not just this place that i have problems expressing myself... therapy sessions with jonathan are the same way... writing in my paper journal... same thing. so who has the key? me, you say... yeah yeah... but... maybe i don't need this place anymore... maybe i'm better now... all that talk about just wanting to be normal. well i'm pretty fucking normal right now... got a good job, nice place to live a nice boyfriend and friends.... oh, and Mimsie. i've got cable tv and internet service... a cell phone... all those very normal things. so maybe i'm done now. i'm normal like i've wanted to be all my life......... .......
uh, no.
just no.
take care - talk soon.
saturday, january 5, 2002
trying - Lifehouse
could you let down your hair
and be transparent for awhile
just a little while to see
if your human after all
honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we got it all figured out
let me be the first to say
that i don't have a clue
i don't have all the answers
ain't going to pretend like i do
just trying to find my way
trying to find my way,
the best i know how
well i haven't got it all figured
out quite yet, but even if it takes my
whole life to get to where i need to be
if i should fall to the bottom of the end.
i'll be one step back to you.
yesterday i had a really difficult session with jonathan... he was mad at me about being sick all the time. he said it's my fault because i don't take care of myself... i cried for 45 minutes. i feel like i don't know how to take care of myself. i don't remember anyone teaching me how to live... i missed the clues and hints that people dropped for me here and there in the 35 years i've been alive.
jon made a comment about me surviving the session and i exploded. i said, "that's all i do everyday - survive!" i get up and make a half-assesd attempt at living. i don't feel like i have a life... i talked on and on about what it is like to just survive... nothing to look forward to... nothing... just nothing... he told me that he was hearing what i was saying and said it sounded really terrible - really hard.
so i couldn't sleep lastnight thinking about the session. my eyes were swollen from all the tears... 2:00 came and went... 3:00 stared me in the face. i slept on and off until 10:30 this morning. i hit bottom - or a sorta bottom - lastnight. i knew then that i'd probably feel alot better this morning. and i do. but don't misunderstand me. i'm still only surviving the day. and it is terrible. and it is really hard.
take care - talk soon.
sunday, january 6, 2002
try something new
for the last year or so i've had difficulty with sunday. i would be a wreck from the minute i woke up about going to work monday morning. i cried... i hid undercovers, stayed away from people so i could hide the unexplainable fear that boiled in my stomach. until lastnight i think today would have been no different. but lastnight i decided to tell myself to slow down. told myself that this sunday was not going to be like all the others. and i'm spending today doing whatever i can to make it different. i'm just not going to go there - it's not worth the t-shirt. i don't really want to think about it too much. i'm just going to do some things differently from now on.
in addition to making changes on sunday, i'm going to do something new in the morning before work. i'm going to get up early and take my time getting ready... i'm worth it - i've been told and am trying desperately to believe. so i'm going to get up early... have some coffee... get dressed and just enjoy the peacefulness before i trudge off to 3000+ Curie High School students. that's all... just going to try something new.
take care - talk soon
saturday, january 12, 2002
walking in the rain - aug 9th
one of these days - a much warmer day than today - i need to take a walk in the rain... just let the rain fall... soak me to the bone. it's a cleansing thing i suppose. nothing like it really.
i've been feeling like that little girl alot lately. the one who is so scared of everything that moves. i realized on the train this week that i can actually feel the moment when it happens. my insides turn upside-down and backwards. it takes the breath out of me. monday night i asked jonathan to make it stop knowing that i'm the only one with the power to do that.
i don't really want to spend the rest of my life struggling. some people say i need to just give into it - accept that i've got this "problem" - learn to cope. they don't know how awful it is. how it reaches in and takes away all that is really working for. it stands there just out of reach - smiling - the son-of-a-bitch. i find myself eventually begging for it to return myself... return myself? begging? what i really need to do - so everyone seems to think - is say "fuck off. i'm 35 years old and you are just a bunch of bullshit from my past." fuck off doesn't work. i've tried it. it doesn't work.
doesn't leave me with much i guess. leaves me a bit hopeless at times. the times are fewer i suppose. fewer... farther between... somedays i'm just tired of fighting. somedays i'd like to just go take a walk in the rain. let the drops wash it all away.
saturday, january 19, 2002
where are you now...
i miss the times that i could come here and sit and the words to show you all about myself... deep down inside... they would just flow from my fingertips. i miss those times. i miss where i was at that time. is it a drug for me? that would be the question. is it a drug... is feeling like shit inside... riding that rollercoaster up and down and up and down... was it some kind of drug?
it must have been since it still pulls at me deep down. shit. even now i can't explain it to you. where am i? jesus, where am i now?
i miss the times that i'd stay up all night long and write and write and write... i'm lucky now if i can make it to 11:00pm. and then, there's nothing to say. jonathan asked if i was so distracted at our last session because things are going well for me... "well" isn't always a place i'm used to being. sabotage... sabotage the good... make it bad so that i can feel that drug run through my body. guess that's sorta how i've been in the past... but my past is fairly recent. things haven't been "well" for very long... a year maybe. i don't trust "well". no. i don't trust well....
don't get me wrong. "well" isn't so great by normal standards. it means simply that i can go to work a couple of weeks at a time without problems. it also means that when i get home from work i just want to sit in the middle of my living room and cry. just cry. then i have to suddenly jump into my pajamas and hide in my bed if i can. i get here and it's 5:00pm and i cry because it's too early to go to bed. i cry because i can't start anything - i'm too exhausted to clean... to cook... to do anything. i'm literally frozen in a fear that i can't explain to you. it's like any move i make might just break me. i'll fall into so many pieces that the doctors will never be able to fix me again.
hrmmm..... fears suck. and so does this entry.... i'll be back
wednesday, january 23, 2002
happy, happy, joy, joy
so... someone asked why i don't ever write happy stuff. it's pretty simple really. this place isn't supposed to be a happy place. although i did recently change the color scheme so it's not so "dark" in here anymore. i've said this a million times. this place is my dumping grounds. i don't really care what people think... if it's not upbeat enough then don't come here. it's my place. it's going to be the way i need it to be. bah... enough of that.
things have been swirling around in my brain so much lately. it's scary. things not going the greatest. spinning a bit out of control. my parents have a saying... it's the opposite of the one you've heard in the past. "no news is NOT good news when jami is concerned." the more quiet i get the worse i probably am.
someone else told me that they stopped reading because it was becoming boring to him. that's ok. i'm rather bored with this myself. but like i said... so what... don't read it then. i don't care if i have 2 readers or 20... i'm still going to write about the same stuff........ i come here to dump and that's what i'm doing.
so i don't have much more to say. i'll be back with more exciting news from the frontlines of my battle....
thursday, january 24, 2002
used and grumpy
i was thinking the other day about 1991 - 1996... i was married during those years. it doesn't seem real. i look back at those years and all i see - looking through this veil of falseness - all i see is this strong, capable woman. that's so untrue. i lost myself in those years. he took soooo much from me. fuck...
why talk about it, jami?
because it's frightening really. looking back on my life that doesn't AT ALL seem like it is mine. what the hell happened to me? did he just beat the life out of me? did his words tie me up so tight inside that i stopped breathing on my own? i just sit here thinking that i was married... i was married... i can hardly remember his name sometimes.... what a fucking waste of those years...
i guess you are feeling used and grumpy, jami.
so it's all over now and i shouldn't look back. but i do. i look back into a world that seems like it should belong to someone else. and that makes me damn angry! i'm 35 now and i feel like the important part of my life... the important years are soooo over. sometimes i just don't feel like i can start all over again. who is going to give me the chance - and really, why should they?
someone will, jami.
i'll figure it all out someday. until then... it's so damn hard to get up in the morning and do the things i'm "suppose" to do. taking a shower is such a struggle sometimes... getting dressed... going out into the world feeling like i'm this ugly little girl. it just seems like there is no place for me... no place like home...
fridday, january 25, 2002
hero
Would you dance if asked you to dance
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight
Would you tremble if I touched your lips
Would you laugh oh please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you love
Hold me in your arms tonight
ok. so this is an enrique iglesias song...
i would just really like someone to ask me to dance...
have a good weekend... see you all next week.
sunday, january 27, 2002
my hero
how fitting is it that my Dad was the first person to ask me to dance... he's the best. evidently i frightened him a bit with one of my latest entries. i think it was the one that said i come home every night and sit in the middle of my living room and cry. maybe i exaggerate a bit here... maybe i don't.
ya know... that last year or so i got away from writing about things that were happening to me... the stuff that i go through on a nearly everyday basis. the struggles. i guess maybe i hoped that they (the struggles) would go away. that because i was teaching again and living alone... the struggles were gone. so many people say to me.... why live in the past so much? i'm NOT living there. i am very much living my life in the present. this IS the present. the shit that goes on in my life daily... it's real... the reasons for it all maybe a part of my past... but i struggle everyday! and that struggle - regardless of why it's there IS here with me everyday. so you can go on about your day... i can too. i just have to do things differently sometimes.
so i'm home now. was out an about today. it was so nice that i sorta thought i should be at the beach... however, not many people there at the end january. i'd probably be arrested or something... ok, here i sit... the anxiety is building up as i type this. the "Sunday Funnies" - that's what i should call this anxiety... it's at it's worst on Sunday nights. so i sit here not going anywhere but feeling like i'm going every which way at the same time. it's not a nice feeling. but, i'll get past it . well, that's all i've got tonight. take care - have a good week - talk soon.