wednesday, january 1, 2003
happy new year?

they wake up together this morning... he looks at her... she smiles back at him and they kiss... today they will simply be together and that's going to just be fine. a nice, simple way to usher in the new year together.

i'm in such a weird place right now. part of me wants to cry because i still don't feel well... knowing that the doctor said it could take up to 6-8 weeks before i did feel better... the other part of me feels so old and alone... i feel so unloved... or is it unlovable. i suppose i know it's the latter.

yesterday my entry was a song. i wasn't ready to look back on the year yet. i'm not sure i'm ready to do so even now. it's all dark and stormy and unhappy for me. the happiness that WAS there i screwed up so bad that it doesn't even look good... a hell of a way to look back...

i made a resolution with jonathan that is just killing me and it's only 8:30 in the morning. no more ryan.... none. which i don't think is going to be too hard. he'll never call again. it's just the memories that won't stop calling. and then the beating myself up for... this is going to sound hugely sick... but the beating myself up for him not loving me. well him not loving me but me trying for almost a year to get him to change his mind all at the same time trying to change my life around so that i could be happy again which excluded him from my life more than included... damn that's confusing.

i'm shaken
i'm shaken
i'm getting down this fantasy
and i'm shaken
i'm shaken
i'm getting down this
getting down this
you were not my superman
i didn't know
just how i felt
all my love
i'm shaken
i'm
i'm getting down this fantasy
you were not my superman

Paula Cole, Neitzsches Eyes

i do have a superman in my life... actually more than one. it's just not ryan... and it wasn't... i don't think ever. so why am i spending so much time on him? because i'm not the one who woke up in his arms... a smile and a kiss? i think that's probably it. i don't have any arms to curl up into when i'm scared or not feeling well or just because. i'm alone in a world and a city that never freakin sleeps... i'm alone. and i'm so scared that i'm going to die this way. but i suppose if i really think about it everybody dies alone.

sorry for being so morbid there... i really am looking forward to a good 2003! Turtle... i hope you made it this far... this is the stuff you like to see. i do feel good about where i'm living.... my job... my friends. i'm going to be ok... even when those memories come calling. i've made it through stuff like this before. looking back it was just as hard and i made all sorts of mistakes then too. i'll be alright! you'll see!

so anyway... i really sorta got around looking too closely at 2002. and 2003 is here whether i'm ready for it or not. Good luck everybody! i sincerely hope that you all have a very Happy New Year.


sunday, january 5, 2003
watching football

watching football isn't so easy these days. it reminds me of... well... how i use to watch it. today i'm just sick and sad and nervous... you name it and i think i'm there. i made it back to chicago on friday. yesterday i slept until 2:30 or something like that and then went out with lauren for a bit. i came back with some movies and watched one. no one else is here. my roommate is taking her turn in the psych hospital. they told her she would be out wednesday. i suppose that will help... having someone here.


monday, january 6, 2003
going back to work and
other miscellaneous things

met with jonathan today... he said i was acting giddy. that's a little girl word i think. he said maybe i was just happy to see him. that might be true. he is one of only a very few that trust... it's good to be around the people you trust....

i go to the doctor in about 10 minutes to see if i can go back to work tomorrow. i dont' really know why he'd say no. i am doing better. at least surgery wise. i'm having other problems that can be caused by the surgery itself. but i don't it'll stop me from going back... i think i'm nervous about going back.

more later.......


monday, january 13, 2003
going back to work and
other miscellaneous things

Melissa Etheridge
Sleep (for Oz)

After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep

 if you've been reading then ya know that i have a way of letting everyone else's life come before mine. but lately i have put my foot down. i suppose it's a risk. i might push someone away who really is meant to be a part of my life. who knows. that's thing... who really knows?

my therapist, jonathan, keeps telling me to get invovled in healthy relationships (female or male). he says i'm doing so much better that i really just need to surround myself with people "like me". i never in a million years would have thought i'd hear that from him. but i did...

the "cute boy" from school is outta the picture now. he is just not interested. and the more i think about it.... i don't think i'm really all tha interested in him. nice guy though. then there's Oz... can't really go into him right now. too new. but i'm sure i'll more to say when i'm ready.

i guess i really don't have much to say. that's what happens i guess when you pull yourself away from the dysfunction and try to move on. more later.


friday, january 17, 2003
melissa

Enough Of Me
We were all wounded in some domestic war
I found you to settle my score
You looked like father
You felt like mother
My mind told my heart
There is no other
And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
I gave you my skin
And my original sin
I gave you my pride and my side
oh my pride
Ain't that enough
I turned your dreams into lightning
Ain't that enough
I held the world back for you
Ain't that enough
I loved you past the point of dying
Ain't that enough of me for you
I was so sure one and one gave you one
My noisy love is coming undone
Now you leave like father
Disappointed like mother
And I know in my heart
There is no other
And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
And I gave you my shame
And my eternal flame
And I gave you my need and my seed Oh my need
Why can't you hold on

 this isn't about anyone in particular. yesterday jonathan and i were talking about me being alone... the touch. he brought up ryan's name but i said... "no, it could be any of them in my past." ryan doesn't tug on my heart strings like he did there for awhile in november and december. i do feel empty. but it's ryan that really want to fill it in with anyway. he's a good guy but not my guy.

so this void in my life... i don't know what it is. it's an emptiness that i feel all the time - with or without people around me. i've been talking to this guy online for a few weeks now. he needed some things and i helped him out. he said that no one has ever done that for him. but like the song above says... i'll just about anything for anyone. i just need to learn to recognize when it's not healthy for me.

i loved you past the point of dying


is there anything better than that? i hope so... i want to find it and i want it to work for me. i'm tired of all the bullshit with this disease and then the surgery... always got an excuse to not fulfill everything/anything i really want to do. i want to find someone that i would "love past the point of dying". i want come home at night and feel ok about being here. i really want this entry to make sense *smile* i'm afraid it's not... but i tried.


sunday, january 19, 2003
and monday, january 20 2003
nathalie

Nathalie Merchant
Life is Sweet

It's a pity, it's a crying shame
Who pulled you down again?
How painful it must be
To bruise so easily inside

for a long time anyone could bring me down with the slightest attempt. i've worked very hard to change that. but it is evident in my november and december entries that i still bruise damn easily.

It's a pity, it's a downright crime
It happens all the time
You want to stay little daddy's girl
You want to hide from the vicious world outside

 God how i wanted to stay in florida this christmas break... stay there and just let my parents take care of me. but i was healed and i had to go back to my real world... as hard as it might be. i came back to an angry group of people that i really didn't have time for. people who didn't give a damn that i nearly died but rather that the students would be so behind. people really make me agry

Don't cry, you know the tears will do no good
So dry your eyes

 i did cry and now and then i do... and it does so some good i think.

Oh, your daddy, he's the iron man
Battleship wrecked on dry land
Your mamma she's a bitter bride
She'll never be satisfied, you know
And that's not right.

 my father would work and work as if nothing was wrong... not the there really was anything that he knew of... he was always so busy with "his kids" (a.k.a students). maybe me feel a bit second best. and my mom... i'm not sure she was a bitter bride but there was bitterness there a lot while i grew up. and like the song says... that's not right

But don't cry, you know the tears will do no good
So dry your eyes
Oh, they told you life is hard
Misery from the start,
it's dull, it's slow, it's painful

 no one told me that life was hard. i think that up untill just recently i didn't really even know it was tough. i was in denial. i thought i just wasn't good enough...couldn't keep up with what was going on around me. it was me - i was the misery.

But I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery
There's so much more, be grateful
Well, who do you believe
Who will you listen to
Who will it be
'Cause it's high time that you decide
In your own mind

I've tried to comfort you
I've tried to tell you to be patient

 i don't know who will listen.. who i'll trust. who i can believe in. You tell me that life is sweet. i'm still lacking the evidence to agree with you.

oh man more lyics, sorry.... i tried to put my two cents worth in here and there. hope you can get the picture. i heard this song tonight for the first time in a very long time. i had forgotten how much it shadowed my life...


thursday, january 23, 2003
buying perfume

yesterday i got dressed and reached out for the bottle of perfume that i have. i don't use it very much... like once in a blue moon. as i went for it i was reminded about what made me decide to even buy the stuff to begin with. a few junes ago i met a guy. we talked on the phone. he asked me out. it was the most normal thing that ever happened to me. i just don't get asked out alot. but this time i did. and i knew the guy was a good guy... professional... highly educated and very intelligent (unlike me at the moment. i can't seem to spell right now). anyway... i decided i needed some new clothes to go out with him. i wanted it to be perfect.

i wanted to look nice... dress well... ya know the whole nine yards. so off i went to the gap. and there she was... this angel in disguse. i believe the gap refers to them as "associates". she spent 2 hours with me to come up with the perfect outfit. i tried stuff on... she'd go get different sizes... she'd bring possibilities... it was like the store was mine! after we decided on something i went to the register and there it was... a bottle of perfume. i thought, "hey, i gotta smell good too." so i bought it. the date was incredible... it was like nothing i'd experienced with a guy before. we met a pub and then took off to navy pier for the fireworks... rode the ferris wheel... it was great.

he's gone now. out of my life. i miss him sometimes but not like i did in the beginning. it's funny though how just reaching for a bottle of perfume can bring back all those feelings i had that night and many more after... i don't regret any of the time i spent with him. i can see that we don't belong together... i'm ok. honestly. i probably wouldn't have even thought about this stuff or wrote this entry if i hadn't decided to put some perfume on the other morning... heh... it's all good... it's all good.

saturday, january 25, 2003
love ain't like that - Faith HIll

i'm not going to talk about love. don't worry... i'm just listening to this Faith cd and i like the line. i don't really know what to write... or, i do but i'm sorta embarassed to talk about it. if you read one of the earlier entries this month you know that i made a resolution to stay away from ryan. and really i have. except yesterday... i got this email and i wanted to send it out to as many people as i could. i don't do that a lot but i wanted to this time. i clicked on everyone in my address book and that included ryan's work email... i'd like to say that i didn't realize i'd done it. but i did. i don't know why... maybe i wanted to see if he'd reply. and reply he did. just basically to tell me that i should check out the stuff i send out with snopes.com before i send it... it's all usually just crap... untrue. then... at the very end he skipped a few lines and said "what's new?" and signed it ryan.

so everyone is wondering one of two things... first, what did i do? and secondly am i really ok like i profess in all my entries from november on...



brief pause

ok, first of all... i sent back a brief little email saying things are going great. i'm happy. i'm ok. and it was nice to hear from him. that's about it. aside from thinking about it all night - including in my dreams and this morning a bit. i don't know what i should have done in this case... i knew better. i knew i was sending it to him... i don't know...

secondly in the beginning - novemberish - i wrote a lot of stuff because i knew he was reading it and i didn't want him to know what a mess i really was... i wanted him to think that i was just fine. 3 months later??? december's entries? these? december was worst. but january i started getting back on my feet... he stopped reading along time ago and i knew it... so i wasn't really writing "for him" anymore. but i was still having problems here and there. the little things... they'd get me the most. but, i was ok if i wrote that i was doing ok. i just chalk up the relationship to a learning experience.

and here i am. i'm definitely ok. at least when it comes to him... :o) so, off i go to have a nice saturday afternoon with my best friend. ... ... ...