Untitled

friday, january 2, 2004
life for rent

it's time for me to look back... right? actually no i don't think so. i don't have much to look back on over the past year. i'm not trying to be pathetic, but i sorta have decided that i really didn't have much of a year. nothing remarkable. did some stupid shit, but, hey, that's always going to happen.

so instead of looking back i thought i'd look ahead.

i'm going home to live in about 6-8 months. home is a relative term of course. i don't have a "home" to go back to. i was born and raised in little bristol, indiana - a town that had one stop light which blinked every night after 9:00pm when i was growing up... where i learned to play baseball... learned to drive (up and down my deadend street)... and, of course, learned what it felt like to have my heart broken. all the things that a teen back then needed to experience. but after 30 years of living out there on the lake in the big red house, my parents gave it up - so i had to also. they moved about an hour south of bristol and live in a condo there in the summer and a house in florida in the winter. neither of which i can call home. so what am i going to do?

i've got ideas. i just hope i can make them work. it's just that i really have never felt as though i've thoroughly followed through on anything. i'm a bit afraid that this move may not happen either. i'd like it to - most definitely. "home" or what i've thrown together in my head in the last few years as home seems quiet, peaceful and friendly. yes, i actually said friendly. but i've always thought that about "home". probably why i want to go back so badly. i'll find the right place when the time comes. i've got a lot of guidance to help me through it. of course there's the whole part about leaving some very important people behind. but that's going to have to be a different entry.

i do have one other thing/person i want to talk about but i just can't do it right now. i just feel like it's not the right time. and i'm afraid i'll fuck things up... or at least my head anyway. i will say, however, "thanks for the flowers and making sure that i'll always have some, everyday, from you!". ok. that sounded really corny, but, it's ok. he doesn't have the site addy. *smile*

next up is a tune that i just really started listening to tonight. it's a good one. i'll stop here....... cheers everyone! thanks for being there for me last year and here's to an awesome 2004 for all of us!!!!

life for rent
dido

i haven't ever really found a place that i call home
i never stick around quite long enough to make it
i apologize that once again i'm not in love
but it's not as if i mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cos nothing i have is truly mine

i've always thought that i would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
i have no idea what's happened to that dream
cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cos nothing i have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and i won't let it down
while i am so afraid to fail so i won't even try
well how can i say i'm alive

but if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cos nothing i have is truly mine

friday, january 2, 2004
adding on to the confusion

the pain is numbness - a feeling of not being able to catch your breath. it doesn't hurt but you know for sure that it is - down-and-out raw pain. why so sure this time? this soon? because you are growing and you are letting yourself learn from all the pain in the past. because, after all, it's all so much a like the many relationships in the past. i'm sorry that you are in this space again. i know! i know how hard you have been trying to really stand up for yourself and say "No! this isn't love it isn't real... it's just fun." but no matter how much you mean it you know where he is right now and where you'd really like to be. it's funny, isn't it? funny, looking into his eyes.. those eyes that let you see so deep inside. funny... they got ya again. just like not too long ago in a shower in miller, in... so go on, my friend, cry without tears... slow down and catch your breath. there is nothing you can do to change what is happening right now. the pain is incredible, i know. it's numbness. perhaps the numbness is a good thing. perhaps its not.

sunday, january 4, 2004
pain
ugliness
confusion
frustration
mixed messages!

sunday, january 25, 2004
pain
ugliness
confusion
frustration
and
no more mixed messages!

it might have been better if i wouldn't have gotten all serious on you tonite. i remember the first time we were together you said "no promises. this is just fun". you were pretty adimate *spell?* about it... and for the last however many months that's exactly what i have tried really hard to do... just have fun. i actually think i was getting pretty good at it too. however, you looked at me in an entirely different way this weekend. i couldn't look back at you most of the time. i had turn my head or keep my eyes closed because i was so afraid that i'd tell you the things i didn't even want to acknowledge to myself...

the whole reason this all came up this weekend, tonight mainly, was because, like i said, the way you looked at me. it was like you could see right inside me. and, you knew everything i was trying so hard not to admit to myself or tell you. so by dinner time this evening i couldn't keep it in anymore. i had to say something. i didn't realize that it'd cause problems like it did. i didn't realize you had such issues (and i absolutely do NOT mean "issues" in a bad way!). but you do and they are really important to you. they are things that i respect (and sympathize with you) as you struggle with them - even if it didn't seem like i was all that sympathetic tonight. what i do know is that from this night on things are gonna be a bit different for me. i need so badly to not sit here and say "why me?". that's become a broken record.

i guess i can't really remember back to the first time i actually didn't let my mom influence me. i would think that since all my life up to that point - all i ever did was try to make that woman happy - that i would remember what it was and when it was that i finally did stand my ground... "i gotta do this one for myself because it doesn't really matter what she thinks. no matter what i do - she's going to be uncomfortable with it..." - that's what i remember thinking... i mean, seriously, all my life my days were filled with "just how am i going make her ok today?" and how sorry i always was when she wasn't happy. my mother is honestly damn incredible. she's withstood things i can't even imagine. she's worked hard all her life and raised us the best way she knew how. but, i had to finally decide what kind of person I wanted to be. would it be someone who could do all the things she wanted me to do/be? or, would it be someone of my own making... (pretty profound, huh). shit, i don't know... i'm not making sense right now - happens to me occasionally. i went with "the someone of my own making" option and sometimes i wish i hadn't. but, right now i know i am ok - more ok then i have ever been (yes, even after tonight). and i'm doing it my way - taking into consideration all the things my mom taught me to do while i was growing up (growing up lasted approximately 32 years i believe *smile*). it feels good. it also feels bad sometimes too.

you said at the table you couldn't believe that i didn't seem upset. i was. i just couldn't sit there and start crying because i didn't know if i'd be able to stop. i told myself that i wasn't going to cry this time.... that i'd learned from my past and this was just a part of livin... but, i'm crying now as i write this. there's just some much stuff flying around in my mind right now. i feel like you left me so empty - but you have never left me that way. it's just hard for me to understand that you might be upset too - i'm just so used to it being so one-sided.

ok. this might get a bit strange because i just got off the phone with you. i'm not sure where we are going... i'll probably try to talk to you more about it tomorrow even though i'm sure you'd just like to leave it alone. i think i know what's up but then it slips my mind in a way that i feel like it's just my thoughts trying to protect me or something. i have never reacted to something like this before. usually it's me just messin things up in general because i missed something along the way and.... suddenly i was caught off guard and - ick - things got weird. i've always been the one to just blurt out everything after knowing a guy for a day. ok, a week... well, you're probably right, i'd usually make it a month. what's weird for me this time is that you aren't saying you are sorry and that you don't love me. that's what i'm used to hearing and this time, i would have been ok with it (eventually). don't worry, i'm not saying that you said you were in love with me either.... ugh. i just don't know what to do here. i want to be in your life.

the other day there was a lady on the sidewalk... i told you that i was afraid if i stayed in chicago that i'd be like that in 30 years. you told me that 30 years from now you wouldn't let me be like her... "if you can even stand me in 30 years", you said. i had to stop and really think about that.

Ok, here comes the real ballsy stuff. i don't know quite how to stop falling in love with you. i suppose if you asked me right out to stop i'd try. but i know that i didn't "try" to have these feelings in the first place. i've been trying hard NOT to have them this time - i was trying to be ultra-careful this time. i knew where i'd gotten myself before... and i know that you are someone much different than any of them but the pattern is so etched into my mind.

i think you were going to call me back in a bit. i'm going to stop this. it's nonsense i suppose. so... i'm off to get into my jammies and curl up with my movie and... unfortunately, because i'm just this way... i'll be waiting for you to call. at least tonight i will. thank you for being honest with me. it really feels pretty good to have someone actually tell me how they feel. also, sorry you aren't #1 at everything *wink* take care - talk soon.

wednesday, january 28, 2004
somebody stand by me
- stevie nicks

I stood at the door
and watched while you drove away
driving my car,
in the rain, in the dark
Well, every dog seems to have her day.

I've been in this, alone so long
and I'm begining to wonder why
I stand in one place,
a different name
a different face.
no ones gonna see me cry

I need someone to stand by me
stand by me, just one time.
I hope somebody stands by me
stands by me, just one time
I don't understand,
it's slipping through these hands.
I think by now I know,
where to let go
all I know is here I am baby
won't you stand by me?

I'm not bending tonight
but, I'm twisted and turned
and broken down

But Im starting to know
the sound of something,
no one, and yet,
everything.

Well if God's here tonight
are you here tonight?

Maybe you could grab me up,
stand me on my feet
give me strength
set me free.

Im not giving in till
I've had enough.

I need someone to stand by me
stand by me, just one time.
I hope somebody stands by me
stands by me, just one time
I don't understand,
it's slipping through these hands.
I think by now I know,
where to let go
all I know is here I am baby
won't you stand by me?

I need someone to stand by me
stand by me, just one time.
I hope somebody stands by me
stands by me, just one time
I don't understand,
it's slipping through these hands.
I think by now I know,
where to let go
all I know is here I am baby
won't you stand by me?

Stand by Me