thursday, july 10, 2003
Noah Grey at his best!
Take your light
from the moon instead; accept it
as a loan, repay it in another life.
All things were made to catch illumination,
all shadows made to clarify, all days
and nights to give a shifting balance
to an earth made for your senses -
even in a starless night, the other side
of it still breathes for you, the twilight
is still laughing, still waiting,
holding the joy of you in its hands.
more about Noah later!
wednesday, july 16, 2003
Antwone Quenton Fisher
"Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy
Who cries inside of me?"
recently i've been pretty busy.... guess you can tell considering the whoppin two entries so far this month. i'm afraid to talk about it though. i mean, i'm really afraid to talk about it right now!
"see, they are out there jami. they like you. they want to be with you." bullshit! i don't know. i can't remember, as i look back for the 500th time, ever liking who i am..... perhaps liking isn't the proper term. i can't remember ever feeling comfortable in myself. that works. there have been so many in my life telling me that i just need to believe - that i am worth believing in - that i'm worthy of someone loving me entirely for the person inside of me..... but, yet, i struggle with it all not because of the person inside..... there must be two of us in here.... no, no, no i'm not trying to imply that i have two personalities. i don't. never have - don't sweat it. but there are two of me. for the last - i don't even know how many years now - the only one i can get in touch with is the one with depression... with anxiety so bad at times that i think i'm dying. that's the one..... that's the one that i am in touch with. what these other people see inside of me i just can't find. i ask myself, i ask them, i ask God... who is this person? where is "she"?
well, today "she" turned 37. i don't know how "she" feels about it. i know that "i" feel like shit about it. i don't want to get any older. i have my reasons..... i just feel gipped out of so much. i feel like i'm losing energy because of all that time i wasted on all the falsehoods... on trying to be loved? maybe, i don't know what "she's" thinking. maybe "she's" crying too. maybe "she" feels sorry for herself too? Hell! maybe "she" is really me....... but, i just can't see it that way. they - the ones that try to convince me that i'm loveable - they see "her" in me. it is "her" that they see when they look into my eyes. i can see it in their's. somehow they aren't seeing the scared little girl who cries herself to sleep more times in a year than she doesn't.
that's where i run into this dilemma. when, why, how, should i tell them about the one they don't see. i feel like i'm holding back and they'll think i was just trying to manipulate them into loving me before i spring this ugliness on them. that's why i always tell them. i tell them right away so they can never come back at me and say i tricked them into loving me... into liking me.
yikes
ok, maybe i'm going a bit overboard here. mabye it's stress... maybe it's the physical illness that has me going a bit haywire. i know that i can have what i've always believed in (a list much too long and unamusing for me to list). it's right there. i've talked about the hand reaching out to me but i just can't seem to hold on..... the one that i know is there that i can see but just don't recognize. it might be you. but, right now, after troy (ah, such a story in itself!) and probably a few others, i just can't turn it all over to you.
this entry isn't about anyone in particular.. for all i know i'm talking to God right now. i just don't believe in it all yet. i'm trying. i don't know if i have to find "her" or not. i don't know if i really believe "she" exists. i'm just more inclined to believe that i do know who i am. there isn't anything more to me that i'm hiding - i make damn sure of that. and, in more than one occassion it's bitten me in the ass.
i do love you. i know i do... i just need to figure out if you are you.
friday, july 25, 2003
i hope you dance
by leann womack
give the heavens above more than just a passing glance. and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. i hope you dance... i hope you dance.
there's a book out there written from this song that leann womack sings. it's called "i hope you dance". i could quote so many lines from that song and that book but it's just too much....so, i'll just leave ya with a few.
things are beginning to feel like they are a bit too much for me to deal with right now. don't sweat it though, the emotional/mental part isn't the problem at all. although, i do have a crap load of anger piling up. but that's sorta normal for people when they get mad. the funny thing is that even with this intense (spell?) anger, i also have this other side of me that is starting to take it all in again - again being the way i use to take it in... notice things... smile at the loveliness of it all. i haven't been able to do very much of it i got really sick some time around `98-`99...
but anyway,
at the moment, i feel like i'm being tossed around in one of those HUGE dryers at the laundry-mat and people just keep feedin the damn machine with quarters. the problem, i thought, was that i'm just a weakling and can't confront people or be assertive when i need to be. but i'm not really sure that's it... or at least not all of it. i'm feeling things for the first time in so long... i'm just afraid the way i'll say what i have to say will be all wrong. i just don't trust that side of me yet.
there is a line in the book i mentioned above that says, God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed. but if it does, may it leave you patient and stronger, willing and wiser tender and tougher. oh, it's left me empty-handed in the past - that is for sure... but, i think i am actually becoming more patient, stronger and tougher... just doesn't seem like i use any of those qualities when i really need to. love is many, many things to me. right now, many of the things that i thought i "loved" - friends mainly - are suddenly turning into people that i don't recognize anymore. that makes me feel a bit empty-handed.
is this a bunch of babble or what... it's necessary babble though. i've been holding it in too long. i talk about it to a few people here and there.... but it doesn't necessarily become real to me, for some reason, until i get it down in a journal - a place all my own. no way for anyone to give me lame ass excuses... no way to see their reaction when i piss them off because i told them exactly what i should.
ok, ok! i'm just going around all the important stuff at this point. the heart of it all is that my roommate situation is bad. i'm being taken advantage of and accused of stuff that i couldn't possibly do. i'm watching myself in the mirror when i see my roommate and her boyfriend interact... when i see her in tears over something like pancake mix (ok, so pancake mix is my issue). the point is, she's takin all blame all the time and this asshole sits or lays around in my apartment all day doing absolutely nothing... and not paying a dime like she said he would.
what else? oh, the church thing... i've just lost a lot of confidence in jared at church. he's telling me that he's putting together stuff for me - that i'm just suppose to supervise people.... since feburary he's been tellin me this and i get nothing..... i talked to him yesterday and still nothing.
then, of course, there's a guy in my life that i just can't get to right now and really want to..... but, you know, "the reality" stuff and all. he's there and i'm here - typical. speaking of reality and being here and there, my turtle is gone. yes, yes, i know i've said that before, but this time it's for real. he didn't disappear. he told me he was going. it just sounded like he'd still try to find me and stay in touch.... but he hasn't and i miss him - a lot. what was that line about being left "empty-handed"?
God, i could just keep going on and on. should i? maybe not, maybe i should just try to get it straight in my head and then come back with some more. all i really, really want to do right now is dance. dance on the beach at midnight using the brilliance of a full moon as my spotlight... yeah, that would do it! i don't know. it's just all such craziness. stuff that i don't want to be a part of. there are decisions that i don't want to make... feeling like i'll make the wrong one when it's all said and done. knowing, too, that empty-handedness leads to emptiness inside... i feel like i'm just existing to exist. no purpose really... nothing seems very real to me... other than a few very, very close people to me who i can trust. actually, i just don't trust much anymore at all. it constantly feels like no one follows through (except the group i just mentioned). i have a life! i have a life that i want to live and enjoy. i've spent 37 years of it mostly unhappy - mostly letting anyone do whatever they like to me... not feeling like it matters... that i matter. see, here comes that other side - the side opposite all the anger. i want those things to matter again. i want to see my white cabbage butterflies and my pennies from the angels above. i want to listen - really listen to someone and believe them.
i just wanna dance........ take care, jami