thursday, july 10, 2003
Noah Grey at his best!
Take your light
from the moon instead; accept it
as a loan, repay it in another life.
All things were made to catch illumination,
all shadows made to clarify, all days
and nights to give a shifting balance
to an earth made for your senses -
even in a starless night, the other side
of it still breathes for you, the twilight
is still laughing, still waiting,
holding the joy of you in its hands.
more about Noah later!
thursday, july 1, 2004
a little lost in
this old home town
i moved.
i'm back home in indiana and living with jeff. yesterday i got a call about a teaching job for the fall. at the moment i sit around and do laundry, the yard, make food... feeling pretty domestic.
jonathan called for a phone session and asked how i was adjusting. i told him i thought i was doing fine. i really haven't been here long... just a week almost.
somehow related to the phone call i decided to write this entry... the other night jeff and i went to the CUBS/astros game in chicago. travelling back there was strange. it was as if i'd been gone a long time but not really ever gone at all. driving into the city was something that i didn't use to do much. i usually just stayed around my apartment... if i did travel south out of town i'd be on the train and when i'd return it'd all be dark and travelling thru lots of tunnels. either way i hadn't really seen the skyline driving in from the south in a really long time.
so, we went to the game. we met an associate of jeff's at his condo and walked to the game from there. the game was a blast. as much fun as i was having i can't believe that i saw so many things that i'd missed in the recent passed. it's been as if i'd just looked through people instead of at them while i was living in the city for the last few years. i had my head up my ass because that was the most comfortable and safe place i could put it. it was interesting to me to suddenly notice the sort of people that i use to notice. the ones that everyone always look right through... just like i did. i hate those type of people. in all fairness maybe they are doing what i was doing... staying comfortable and safe. i did it. how can i hold it against someone else. whatever.
the the ball park there was an older man... very large... standing in the upper deck walkway taking pictures of the field (wrigley) with a disposable camera. i made this whole thing up in my head about how this is probably the only time he's ever been here and knew he'd never be back... maybe someone bought the tickets for him as a present. he was going to take those pictures home with him as souvenirs. i felt so sorry for him because those pictures... the things or people or players he took pics of would be the size of ants. i wanted to give him a real camera that would take really really good pics. the people were all leaving because the game had ended. the only people on the field were the ground's crew. who takes pictures of the grounds crew ... ... i just really felt something for that man.
then as we were walking back to bob's (fisher) condo, ahead of us was a group of guys. they were probably over 30. they had their CUBS shirts on and some had hats and some had other souvenirs... foam fingers... but what stood out to me was when one of them turned around and was calling, as if to scold, someone to hurry up. he was quite concerned about this person catching up. and then it hit me that they were a group of mentally retarded men. i saw their staff person when i looked a bit harder. i could see it in them. when you have felt for most of your life that you are odd you can easily see those that are different. they are a group of men who live their lives in totally different ways that we/i do... at the same time enjoying many of the things that we all enjoy - like CUBS games. i'm sure that no one noticed either of these people, the camera guy or the mentally retarded guy and his group. but i did. and i was sad for them for a bit. then i realized that they might be very happy people. i pray to God that they are happy. ... that they feel safe and taken care of. yeah, even the camera guy. just looking at him i felt such loneliness.
when we first got into town and to bob's condo he came down to meet us. he was psyched about this man they found about 2 blocks down the street. he'd been murdered and was there for about 10 days. it was as if bob wanted to go check it out - a spectacle. once again - actually for the first time of the night - i started to wonder what had happened to the dead man. was he homeless? was he an executive? maybe it was gang related or a gay lover taking revenge - it's a gay neighborhood over there. not all gays. but i do know that there are numerous boy prostitutes there because that's the only way they can get money or drugs. i'll never know. i won't know about any of these people anymore. instead, i am here in indiana taking in every chance i can to drive through the country roads and breath in the farmlands...
i'm concerned thought... living in chicago was hell. it was hell! but i learned about people and life and God while i was there. i suppose those things i'll not forget. i just hope i never lose my ??? i can't think of a word. i guess i don't ever want to forget about those people. or, any of "those" people i encountered while i was in chicago. i don't ever want to forget that in just a twist of a cap i could have been one of them... i don't know what it is that makes me feel the need to remember these people. maybe it's because i just feel like no one else is going to remember them... no one else may ever wonder about them like i do/did. maybe it's because there are so many out there... and so many "execs" out there than don't realize what a fine line they walk in that city. so, yes, jonathan, i am glad to be out of chicago. but there are things (lessons? experiences? and of course you) that i had while i was there that i so very much do not want to forget. i don't know how i'll go about it. the remembering thing.
"Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Your head was down, your eyes were red
No comb had touched your hair
I said get up, and let me see you smile
We'll take a walk together
Walk the road awhile, 'cause
'Cause I've got a hand for you
I've got a hand for you"
-- hootie and the blowfish, hold my hand
just a reminder... i have a new guestbook up. it's lonely. so far just the company - who hasn't even seen my site and me have put up entries. it'd be cool to get some others. maybe there aren't any others? maybe i'm doing all this just for me (which is the reason i started it in the first place). i also have some new "poetry" up under 'the scary stuff inbetween'. i will be adding a new part to my site soon. it's called "the vault" it'll be entries from my paper journals. i have soooo much stuff. hopefully i'll get it going and it'll all be up soon... well. take care - talk soon. j.
"With a little love, and some tenderness
We'll walk upon the water
We'll rise above this mess
With a little peace, and some harmony
We'll take the world together
We'll take 'em by the hand"
-- hootie and the blowfish, hold my hand
monday, july 6, 2004
happy birthday jeff!
found this poem while i was hopping around on the web. i seemed quite fitting considering where i am and what i'm doing at the moment...
on a road at once familiar
and all too much unkown
my story's yet unfinished
this path i walk alone
this face that's in the mirror
looks strong and grown and tall
but this side of the looking glass
stands a child, scared and small
and here i meet a crossroads
a clearing through the brush
do i take the proverbial less traveled path
do i headlong therein rush?
i'm ready to jump
but there's no cliff in site
i'm ready to scream
but the words don't come out right
i want to be taken
from my own story, among my selves set free
but if i had to make the choice
would i now which one was me?
tuesday, july 13, 2004
from the paper side
i'm trying to remember what was going on with me in 2002... specifically january and february. i'm thinking that i was working at Curie High School and seeing Ryan - knowing that he didn't love me and never would. i still hung on... so finding these entries in my paper journal interest me. was i angry at him for not loving me? was it him i was even writing about or just that "someone" i've always believed in??? was i struggling with my demons again? DEMONS. seems that everyone these days uses that term. demons... people who don't even know what demons are like - use it to describe anyone's personality that they can't explain or fix. i use it. i know what or who they are in my life. my father uses it because he's seen them in me... oh well, i suppose those other people may have witnessed them going to work on someone they love just like my dad did with me. i shouldn't assume that they don't get it. so... i found these entries. they will appear in my new page called 'the vault'. but, it's not near completion so i wanted to put them here just so that i could get them out and about. perhaps i need to get more of those fucked-up days out in the open and let them blow away. i'm at a point in my illness that i think they would do just that... blow away. i don't need to hold on to them any more. anyway... here ya go.
january 7, Monday, 2002
the moment.
the moment when it reaches in and grabs something so unknown.
it pulls it out and spreads it all over my chest.
can't you see it? see the pain?
Is it really pain?
perhaps it's only a 100 year old fear.
it's time to move on now.
staying here with it is no good.
you are past it, beyond it, above it.
most of all, you are ok.
most of all, you are ok.
january 8, Tuesday, 2002
So... there's that moment when my insides turn inside out and upside down. It's that moment when i need to say "fuck off" and "go away." Instead, in that very moment when it's at its worst, i let it smoother me.
near Febraury 1, 2002
i'm going to know you forever.
i'm always wanting to hold onto things.
i don't want you.
sometimes we don't get to choose.
most of the time.
he asked me to describe you.
all i could think of was me swirling down
and you dragging me deeper and deeper.
you are not my friend, yet you won't go away.
i hate and dispise you but you don't care.
you are anger and lies and fear all wrapped in one.
Hell is your destination - not mine!
for years i've held onto anything i could.
now you better find something near.
i'm stepping away with all i have
only i'm not taking you with me.
hell is your destination in this daily journey.
i'm not going there with you!
more later!
monday, july 19, 2004
return to sender
5:00 am
thursday morning
Scattered Thoughts
Scattered Moments
Scattered Dreams
Pieces of the puzzle of my life
are before me to put back together.
I am angry to find that there are
pieces missing.
Throwing tantrums as if i were still
a child crying out to the theives -
begging for them to return
my missing pieces.
Sooner or later I discover that
some of the pieces were never
there at all.
Sooner or later I discover that
my missing pieces were left out
on purpose.
Throwing tantrums as if I were
a child crying out for someone
to give them back.
Now what the hell do I do?
I have to move on or my
puzzle will never be completed.
Leave the missing pieces
behind or soon I will have many more.
I will soon feel comfortable without them.
I never lost them, they weren't ever there
... is this my fault?
Move on so that i don't lose anymore.
It's not my fault - Move on!
this was written in august of 1996, the 15th to be exact. was just after i divorced my husband of 5 years and i was caught up in a relationship that to this day i still don't understand. but this excerpt from my paper journal isn't about guys... hmmm... seemed to me that back then all i could think about was being with someone. this may have been talking about finding my "other" half when i wrote it. but, looking back now and seeing all the things i have been through in my life - finally seeing through all the fog, this is clearly me trying to but my life back together... realizing that my life wasn't over - i was suppose to have some empty spots... does that make sense? hmmm... well, we'll see. i talk a lot about finding that missing piece in my life... that's where the name for my website came from. only it's sorta a play on words. the name is "missing peace". though there are pieces of my life that are still missing, they are more than just puzzle pieces. those pieces i've been searching for and will continue to do will all contribute to my peace - peace of mind. i don't know if that makes sense... it does to me. i'm not the best at getting words out right.
will be back later
take care - talk soon