sunday, june 2, 2002
it's 11:11am

it's 11:11am... make a wish. i don't really know where that idea came from. but, hey, anything for a wish :o)

it's sunday as the date shows. i'm at my parent's lake house in syracuse, indiana. my friend, lauren, and i came in late friday night for some well deserved r&r! unfortunately it's been as far from relaxation as i've ever experienced visiting my mom and dad. i've been an anxious mess most of the weekend. i don't know what the problem is... or, maybe i do.

the whole weight thing has been on my mind... it always is when i'm around my father, who is always right there to remind me that i could lose a few pounds. this time it's more than a few pounds and he's not the only one letting me know this.

ordinarily i come here with sadness and depression (same thing?). but i like to show up with good things too. i think i depress the hell out of my friend, turtle, when he comes in here to check in with my life... i don't want to always do that. he's a great friend and... well... i like him to know good things too.

so, good things... yes, there are some here somewhere. turtle came by the other day and suggested that if i'm so unhappy maybe i should do something to change the weight problem. well... yeah... i know that... evidently my father was thinking along the same lines because he's paying for a program for me. so here i am... looking for the good side to this scary weekend. this is a good thing really.

it's embarassing as hell to talk about. but it's something that i'm going to do. it involves... of all things... eating right and exercise. ok... i think i knew that part too... of course, there's a darkside to this otherwise exciting news *wink* i'm not sure how much weight i can lose because of the medicine i'm taking. and i don't want to get off the meds because they are really working in my favor against the depression (usually). so it's sorta up in the air and all... what will work and all. but i think it's worth a shot.

so.. it's 11:23am now. do me a favor... next 11:11 that comes by... make a wish for me that all this works :o) take care - talk soon!


wednesday, june 5, 2002
the panic

well, the panic i was feeling late last week and all weekend has not subsided like it should... not at all. i'm not sleeping and work has been really hard. yes, i know, no one likes to get up and go to work... this is different. i feel like i'm cloaked in the shroud of panic... it feels like the worst is about to happen - only i don't know what the worst is... i hardly want to talk about it... as i type this it's here... it's been here for a week now. GO AWAY!

my apartment is a mess. i don't feel like i have much energy at all... i have things to do... i can't feel like this. i want to rest but i'm afraid that i won't wake up. my doctor prescribed another med for me tonight. i took it and hope for the best. you should see me shaking. it's frightening. this morning at work i thought i was going to have to tell someone that i was having a panic attack. i really didn't think i was going to make it out of it. but just at the very last minute the bell rang and i was on cue to teach... stand in front of kids and act like my life is ok... tell them how to expand binomials and all that shit. it's really not ok right now though.

i feel like this entry is all over the place. i'm sorry for that. i guess i'm going to go try to do something to help myself get through this. do me a favor... it's not even near 11:11 at the moment. but, make a wish for me... ok?


saturday, june 8, 2002
the Savage Dump

i'm there again... in the Savage Dump. one of these very special days i'll sit and tell you all about this place. it exists for or because of people like me. we don't go there voluntarily... the Overseer requests our presense and we can't deny it. i've been called (so to speak). the fight is over for now. i'll stay here as long as i'm suppose to... i'll just give up a bit of the struggle and accept that this is where i'm meant to be. God. i'd love to write more about it.... it'd take pages and pages of this "missing peace" journal and you'd only wonder what the hell is she going on about this time. someday i will though... i'll open the door for a peek.

seems like i always turn to this song when i'm struggling... it's a Five for Fighting tune i like lots... enjoy......

Superman (It's Not Easy)
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy... to be.... me....

sunday, june 9, 2002
Howard and the Savage Dump

i think there's a series of kid's books called Harold and the Purple Crayon... no relatioinship here.....

i met... or ran into Howard on the corner of Argyle and Sheridan in August of 1999. there were serveral of us at the corner waiting for the light to turn so that we could cross the street... as i got closer to the corner i noticed that most of the people were getting farther away from Him. that's when i heard him speak about the Savage Dump and the Hallmark (the accepted currency at the Dump). some crossed the wrong way just to get away from him. of coures, i felt like i was being pulled to him. i was on my way to work so i couldn't stop and listen.. but i really felt like staying. he was definitely different... but i don't mind different. he looked so much like Howard Stern (the disc jockey) that i decided to call him that when i saw him again a few days later... i never spoke to him. i was probaby a bit scared. but i listened to him and it's taken me to this point... 2002... to understand that the Savage Dump is a very real place and i've been caught up in it for years now.


friday, june 21, 2002
back again

was in the hospital again... bah... don't really know what to write. just wanted to say something. sorry it's been awhile. i'll be back soon.

j


saturday, june 22, 2002
heal me - melissa ethridge

the community i was a part of in the hospital was such a great group. we all connected so well. i hope that i did develop some friendships there that i can fall back on... or that i can be a part of from now on... in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous - which i'm not a part of - no addiction problems) they call these people "sober supports". i'm just going to call them friends and be on with it.

i discovered the song below in the hospital... seems like there's always a song out there that tells it better than i can...

Ain't it crazy
For a moment there
This felt just like dying
But now i see that something inside
Is coming alive
Ain't it crazy

No use running from a revolution
I just surrender to this evolution

Heal me lift me
Take me to the other side
Amazing grace
Has touched my face
And the sweet sound doesn't lie

Ain't it crazy
For a moment there
I just gave up trying
But now I see
You can let the light in
You can begin again
Ain't it crazy

I lay down in this sweet perfection
I am a witness to my resurrection

sunday, june 23, 2002
getting closer

i got close to alot of issues this time around at the hospital. i don't think i was trying really. i went in to get relief. it doesn't necessarily cross my mind to do any really difficult work there. i know. sounds like just the place someone should get stuff work through. but it's been my way in the past to just go to stop myself from cutting... which, once again, i didn't do! woohoo! two hospital visits - zero cuts! sorry... just a bit of excitment there if ya know me.

so what did i get through?

i figured out the anger i have.... a couple of you who read this know me outside of here and know how i am about wanting children. i know i'm not stable enough for kids. but lets just ignore that part for a moment. i had an opportunity in 1996 to have a child. i made a decision based on the fact that i raped to not go through with it. i can handle the rape just fine. sickeningly so... my anger isn't at that asshole who did it... my anger is in me for not keeping the baby. there's is a HUGE division between my thoughts of the rape and my thoughts of the abortion. they are like separate incidents. to me, one did not bring on the other. AND THAT'S SO WRONG. they did. they are... one in one. without the previous the latter would not have happened. i need to understand that. and so i am... starting... learning... realizing where my thoughts are all distorted around this place in my life.

if i could take the anger away from me and give it to the guy a BIG shift inside of me would occur i think. i hope. i wish. i just don't want to be angry about it anymore. i see children all the time and it have to excuse myself so i can go kick my ass for doing what i did to mine... God that sounds so awful. but until i talked about this a couple of times in the hospital that's the way i felt. i've often found myself insanely jealous of those around me with kids.... but i did talk about it in group and with helen, a social worker. under the circumstances, most of the people in the group said i did the right thing. i just don't want to be angry at myself for it anymore. i don't need to be angry at myself. i see it.... i heard it at the hospital... so that's what i'm going to work on now.

i met some great people while i was there. we had an awesome community for a few days. i suppose it's not good to get comfortable in a place where you have such difficult feelings to talk about. but we were comfy there for a bit. i thank God for bringing these people to me. i'm thankful to them for listening and actually liking me the way they did/do. i'm hopeful that we will stay in touch. a couple of the people actually do call me... i've only been home for two days and i've gotten 5 phone calls.... woohoo! i just know that things will be ok. as hard as they get sometimes..... i've got the power inside of me to make it ok. i think my groups and individual conversations with others woke this part of me up... lets see how long it can stay awake.

thank you to all of you toooooooo... there are some of you who just don't go away no matter how freakin weird i get.

i see you waiting lonesome lonely... i see ya waiting - lyrics from a song i don't know the name of.... but i like it... maybe lonely and lonesome will be my next entry....


monday, june 24, 2002
playing God

Playing God

Stuff slips down around me
Some falling into place
Others missing their mark

Reaching out, always reaching
The good i can't recognize
I stay showered in such shame

The length of my stay here
Depends on letting go
I wonder for how long

I'm sorry for the pain
Losing something so perfect
Will I ever have another chance?


thursday, june 28, 2002
will a change come
while we're waiting?

is misery made beautiful right before our eyes? will mercy be revealed or blind us where we stand..... sarah lyrics of course.

i have a job. i'm a school teacher - high school math. i've question my job... what i do... i question it alot. i don't really know if it's what i want to do. lately it's pointing to not really liking it at all. obviously i'm done for the summer - which is a very good thing. i needed the break. i'm back in the day program at the hospital which gives me a chance to talk about what i do for a living.

i think the biggest thing about my job... keeping it or not... is how my father would/will react when he finally realizes that i'm unhappy doing what i do. he taught for 36 years.... loved it... people loved him as much as he loved the job - students, fellow teachers and even the administration. he was SUPER TEACHER. i watched him several times and it was just so natural for him. it's not like that for me. and, sometimes i think i'm so caught up in trying to make myself as good as him.

or, maybe not. maybe teaching is just not my thing. then i feel selfish. my mom has a degree in art education. she never really got to use it because she had my sister and me. it seemed like my mom always did whatever she had to do at the time. mostly she worked at the local library. and she was also very good at what she did. so where does the selfish stuff come into play? it's just that i have this degree and i should be grateful to do what i "wanted" to do.

i don't know really... i'm going to just have to talk more about this...


saturday, june 29, 2002
some things are worth keeping

Some things you keep. Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands.

They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief. So you hang on, because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know is often better than a stranger.

These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives. New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars.

The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I
want to.

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a mother, God bless
her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it - and
still does. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new
ones.

They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.

I can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other. It was a time for fixing things - a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress.

Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd always be more.

But then my father died, and on that clear autumn night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.

So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.

That's true for marriage and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents. You keep them because they're worth it, because you're worth it.

Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just some things that make life important...people you know are special...and you KEEP them close!

Author unknown


sunday, june 30, 2002
grace and mercy

i don't think i know anything about those two words.... grace.... mercy... they make me feel good just hear them though.

yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. i functioned very little. in fact, my parents had spent the night and they ended up going home early in the morning... all i could do was take some medicine and sleep. i got up. i did a few things here and there and went back to lay down again. so it wasn't a complete failure of a day. i can't say i felt much grace or mercy yesterday however.

my pastor sent me an email while i was sick and asked several questions about my perception of God and what i want from him. does this fit into today's topic? i'm not sure. but it wouldn't be the first time that i just sat here and rambled.

when i get sick it seems like all i can do is beg for God's "mercy". i pray during the good times... there just hasn't been a lot of good times for me to remember lately. (a lot of inbetween days). Dave, the pastor, suggested that i look at God differently than i had in the past... not make him the all powerful healer... make him a friend that is always there when i'm down or up for that matter. i'm struggling with this... i don't have a lot of friends that i feel are trustworthy. so.... trusting God in this capacity makes is difficult. but i'm trying.

i'm off to church in a few minutes... hopefully i'll hear more about grace and mercy... hopefully i'll come out with a better understanding of who God is in my life..... hopefully i'll just come out having a better day than yesterday. it's seems to be starting off much better! talk to ya all later....