tuesday, june 3, 2003
tomorrow was another day

i have been going through old journals - Missing Peace journals. some of that stuff was really pretty good. i've been picking at a scab it seems like. i know that it's healing underneath but i can't stop pickin at it. makes it stay around just a little bit longer... "it" the monster... or the wolf, as Elizbeth Wurtzel calls it in Prozac Nation. there isn't anything on the outside to prove the way you feel... people think you are just makin it all up... crying wolf. i don't do that. but, it's damn hard trying to convince someone that you aren't crying wolf and, at times, i have to remind myself that i'm really hurting... sick... angry. and i need to quit brushing it off by saying "i'm gonna be alright." it's just that i am going to be alright. i always make it somehow. sometimes it has to be right there in front of my face before i even know "it" is there... but i can see through it much easier now than i could 2-3 years ago... if ya don't believe me hit the archives and you find some serious strugglin going on. back then is when it all started... the wound that i keep alive by diggin at the scab... i'm learning to leave it alone. more and more it's healing... i'm healing... but there are still those days where i feel a bit upside down. today is one of those days. be back later perhaps... j.


wednesday, june 4, 2003
would ya be there for me
in the end
unconditionally my friend

from I May Know the Word
---- Natalie Merchant
I recognize the walls inside me
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
chasing demons down
until they fall
in fitful sleep
enough to keep their strength
enough to crawl
into my head
with tangled threads
they riddle me to solve

again and again and again


friday, june 6, 2003
jones

i was having problems last year with my depression and anxiety around this time. the following is an excerpt from an email he, Dr. Jones, my college mentor sent me.... it was a reply to a scary email i sent him... spilling out my status at the time...he has depression too....

I've probably said this before, but the fucking disease--at least some degree of it--goes with creative minds and personalities like yours. And mine, for that matter. (I mean, read these messages--they're demented!) The reason we both see all this mindless, insane crap going on around us is because we do not, by our nature, completely fit in. We see other ways. IN OUR MINDS, we're always on the outside of "normal" behavior. When we ACT OUT OUR MINDS, of course, we show the basic symptom of being fuckin' crazy. Sometimes, though, we just lose the will to work at fitting in; these times are the dangerous ones. I figure I will always be right on the edge--right on the cusp--and you will be, too. When you're on the cusp, the smallest things can make enormous differences. Just go to work...it's a small thing in our minds. I have the same urges, every week. It could be just enough to keep you from falling off the cusp on the wrong side .

i don't guess i need to say much more..... well, i should. i'm not doing bad right now... just tired and .... yeah, just tired.


friday, june 13, 2003
it's friday?

someone recommended that i download this song.... i'm not sure if he was trying to say something or just innocently telling me about it because we have similar tastes in music... i'm strongly inclined to go with the last but would wish it could be the first... ha, always the dreamer... so, enjoy the lyrics. they are from O.A.R. it's a song called "Hey Girl".

I took this girl out last night and we left around 12,
We walked around lonely streets and got to know ourselves,
I like to read - she likes to write, she likes to sleep -
and I like to stay up all night,
My friends say I'm crazy and I agree,
but thats okay cause that the way she likes to be

Say Hey Girl, come with me and let yourself go,
Say Hey Girl come with me
and let yourself go, go, go, let yourself go

Well we went out late that night and we danced through the night
well I was holding on to her and she was gripping me tight,
But I didnt care, she didnt mind,
I was unaware that ahe liked to act so kind,
My friends say shes crazy and I agree,
but thats okay cause tahts the way I like to be

Say Hey Girl, come with me and let yourself go,
Say Hey Girl come with me
and let yourself go, go, go, say now let yourself go

Later on that night I took her home,
I asked if she felt alright being alone,
So I went inside, she didnt mind,
it took two to decide that I wasnt going home tonight
I see were both crazy, thats alright with me,
The night was kind of hazy thats the way its gonna be

Say Hey Girl, come with me and let yourself go,
Hey Girl come with me
and let yourself go, go, go, say now let yourself
go, go, go, say now let yourself go, go, go,
Let yourself go


friday, june 20, 2003
it's friday, again?

This man, Stanley Kuntz was 92 when he wrote this poem. You can find more of his very touching, warm and meaningful real work in several of his books; Passing Through is just one of many.

thanks Dad for sending it my way..... what love this man must have/had for his wife and his life... i've struggled with life issues for a very long time. day by day things happen, however, and i'm feeling just a smige (my mom's word - means just a little bit) better.

Touch Me

Summer is late, my heart.
Words plucked out of the air
some forty years ago
when i was wild with love
and torn almost in two
scatter like leaves this night
of whistling wind and rain.
It is my heart that's late,
it is my sont that's flown.
Outdoors all afternoon
under a gunmetal sky
staking my garden down,
I kneeled to the crickets trilling
underfoot as if about
to burst from their crutsy shell;
and like a child again
marveled to hear so clear
and brave a music pour
from such a small machine.
What makes the engine go?
Desire, desire, desire.
The longing for the dance
stirs in the buried life.
One season only,
and it's done.
So let the battered old willow
thrash against the windowpanes
and the house timbers creak.
Darling, do you remember
the man you married? Touch me,
remind me who I am.
---- Stanley Kunitz


friday, june 20, 2003
from days ago -
june 18th... last wednesday

damn it's been a long time (since i've written in my paper journal). i just couldn't sleep because the fireworks at Navy Pier are so distracting to me - quite ironic actually that they'd be going off this evening. this morning i was walkin to the bus and this what i was thinking about. it was just so quiet and calm... no unlike an evening a few junes ago.

"It's so beautiful here this morning. It reminds me of the night i met you at the pub. we watched the CUBS game. you got me over that bridge. you actually got me on the ferris wheel - where we kissed for the first time... right at the top of the ride. after that, we found a seat at a very nice outdoor cafe to watch the Wednesday Night Navy Pier Fireworks... and it was at the very moment when they played Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World that you reached across the table and took my hand in yours. that was the start of it all - such a whirlwind romance, as they would say. we were together constantly. it was September 2001 that you told me, in a moment of intense passion, that you loved me. not more than 3 weeks later you had changed your mind... and my life.... again. the whirlwind suddenly had sucked out all the air right out of me. but, still i hung on. i hung on to an empty relationship for a good year. at the time i was scared. and i think i was hoping and praying i could change your mind - knowing all the time that it just wasn't goint to happen. now i realize i might really have been hanging on because i didn't have anyone else to talk to... to be laughed at when i was funny or just plain stupid *smile*. i didn't have someone "soft" (for lack of a better term) who listened like you did. you were someone who never raised his voice at me - not once. but then it was over. 1 phone call and it was gone for real that time."

the fireworks are finishing up as i finish this up as well. it's funny. i tell people that i hate chiago because it's always moving, busy and always loud. but tonight, i could hear each rocket explode for a new couple's oooo's and aaaa's. my day started very quiet and calm. here i am now - time to go to bed. it's calm and quiet and i wish i could hear something out there to distract me. looking out my window i can see the lights of the Sear's Tower. i'll never go to the top of that building... but then, i said no one could ever get me on a ferris wheel either.