thursday, june 8, 2006
do i make you proud?
so i'm sitting here all alone this evening. jeff has been out of town all week working... cutting down trees. that's his summer job - tree removal. it's not good money and he's not here much. but it's a job and we are all proud of him for having one. we... yes, we are.
as for me, today was my last day with the kids for the year. i'll start again next august sometime... new kids... same ole shit. now don't think i don't like my job, because i do - usually. and i'm very happy to have my job. with everything that jeff has been going through during his search for a teaching job i've learned to appreciate some things. like when desiree jackson gave me a card with her as a little girl and printed on the card was her thank you for actually being human and a good teacher at around the same time. she's a great kid, but one day she said she wasn't going to be back - her mom was moving her to concord - the next school district over. she left and lost all her credits for the trimester. she was one of the good ones and one of the smarter ones too!
another student, ashley swanson, gave me a picture and a note saying she liked how i was easy to talk to - sorta like a sister. now i think that's too much, but for someone like her - what she is going through everyday - i know what she's talking about. and, sister, is the closest she could come to what she was really trying to say. they don't know it, desiree, ashley, any of them, but all i am being is human. it's funny, ya know... in teaching you can't really be human. if you are, they will accuse you of being too personal... if you aren't human enough, the kids don't get it. and there is enough in this world that they don't get. i don't think i need to complicate things more. it's easy... ya get up, ya go to school, ya do what the teachers ask, and you are a better person for it. no jumping through hoops to make sure they are perfect all the time... NO! they just don't need that. they need a chance to acutally learn the material. too many of us disguse the work so much that the kids go right on past it and never learn it. i like to just lay it out there for them.
please do not misunderstand me! i make them pay attention. i make them follow my rules - trust me, my 5th period, this last trimester will tell you i make them follow the rules. but ya know what??? i had more students pass that particular hour than i did any of my others and that class, THAT CLASS, was the least "talented". they didn't have a lot of math background and they weren't typical students. they were the ones that come to school because they have to and if they trip over their education now and then, so be it... let me just say that they tripped and fell and came up smarter for the fall.
i like my job. it's hard sometimes. i have a nasty upset stomach that has been coming on all week in anticipation of this day. so i sit back here... listening to Taylor Hicks sing "Do I Make You Proud". and i wonder....
... do i make you proud?
today is my first full day of summer vacation. jeff is out of town again for the week and I'm here with dan, the dog and mimsie, the cat. oh, there's also the two toads living in my basement window well. i haven't decided on names yet, but I'm looking at Ozzie and Harriet but I don't know how to spell Harriet. I've also toyed with Ying and Yang. there's also Lucy and Ricky. hm... Bonnie and Clyde are good too. i just don't know. none-the-less, here i sit.
this entry is going to jump around a lot. that's just because i feel like that right now. sorta feel like i can't stay in one place for long. i miss living in chicago sometimes. i miss the people. the people that kept my life so real all the time. once when i was hospitalized for depression i met a black woman who was dealing with her demons. we talked a lot. she seemed like she really had it together and i wondered what her life was like on the "outside". i didn't think she had a whole lot. she wore the same clothes all the time and ate like she'd never eaten before.... but we bonded still. i can't recall what it was that hooked us up anymore but i remember thinking that she must be ok. soon after i was released from the hospital i was walking home from work. i didn't live in a really nice area in chicago at the time. as i was walking home from the train this woman came out of an alley and turned right into me. it was her! she had the same clothes on... i recognized her, but she couldn't recognize me. she asked for money to help her pay the rent, but i could tell that it wasn't rent that she was going to spend the money on. i really didn't know what to do. i felt like all that time i'd spent in the hospital was just a waste of time. she'd helped me come to terms with some things.... and suddenly this same woman didn't even know who i was....
i'm better now. although i was in the hospital a year ago in july and did a repeat performance in september - nearly losing my job. both times i just stayed to myself. i struggled with so much. the meds had me so wired that i couldn't sit still for 30 seconds - i'm not exaggerating! i was a real mess. the hospitals here a much different than the ones in chicago. they take the homeless in. they take the addicts and the dealers. and, i think i was a better person myself for most of it. the woman i was talking about... i never ran into her again. i assume she's either dead now or bouncing in and out of hospitals. i don't have the experiences i had while i was in chicago. neither in or out of the hospital. i've found throughout the years that i've lived here in goshen, indiana (starting 3 years now) the opportunities to learn from other people hasn't been so great. we don't live right on top of the neighbors. and the hospitals aren't full of homeless people seeking comfort from their illensses. those are the people that i learned most from until now.
recently i started going back to one of my old haunts. the biggest loser club website and message boards. the women there are a different bunch of women. they are like me (not that the ones in chicago weren't). they are struggling with things like me. i'm sure i'll will continue to learn from them. and, i really feel like they will be around for the long haul - no surprises... at least that i can think of. they have already helped me sort through jeff being gone for another week. they've gotten me doing some exercising. and i'm much more aware of what i eat now. i really feel like i'm going to be ok having all this time off. i know, i know it's only day 1. but i'm feeling good!
just a note for anyone who read my recent entry (april or may) concerning jeff's issues with the girl accusing him of making her "feel uncomfortable". the issues have finally been resolved. there was no wrong doing on my husbands part. he was simply subbing for the schools and apparently this one young lady made up a story about him. everyone has called to apologize for making his life hell. i feel better about him getting a teaching job.... thank you all who prayed for him... for us! i do believe in prayer! i do believe in fairness once again!
long entry and it's all babble. i don't think there is anything real interesting here tonight. sorry...... just random thoughts, like most of my entries.
take care - more later!
You don't know me but I'm your brother
I was raised here in this living hell
You don't know my kind in your world
Fairly soon the time will tell
You, telling me the things you're gonna do for me
I ain't blind and I don't like what I think I see
Takin' it to the streets
Takin' it to the streets
Takin' it to the streets
Takin' it to the streets
--- takin it to the streets, doobie brothers
i was on Goshen College's campus today. i went to school at Goshen for two years. it's a Mennonite college, which back then seemed to really matter to the students. it mattered so much to them, i thought, that it made me feel like i was an outsider. i wasn't Mennonite and mostly not practicing Christian at all. i felt like a fish out of water. in fact, even today, most of what i do i feel like that. i just don't feel much of a connection to the things around me. it's like i'm in this bubble and everything just happens around me... not necessarily to me... but around me.
i can't remember when it all started. what i do remember is always feeling uncomfortable... around people. school... sports... horseback riding... just everything really. there was always that thought in the back of my mind that said.. "jami, you aren't suppose to be here." maybe that's it... maybe i was suppose to think that about myself so that i would push myself to do better... um, no. that's definitely not it - a good thought, but not true.
i was looking over some of my poetry (if that's what you call it) and the stuff i wrote in the summer/fall of 2000 was so what i was all about at that time. i had moved myself into a group home for mentally ill women. I'd been fighting depression for so long and in late '99 i was given the wrong medication from a psychiatrist who later told my therapist was "having a really bad day" when she prescribed it. it put me in the hospital for days and i just couldn't catch my breath after that. i was in an intensive outpatient program for 8 months - all while i was living in the group home. i lost my job... i'd lost everything except Mimsie (my cat). just the other day jeff and i were having a "conversation" and i mentioned that all i have left of where i came from is my cat. i don't think he realizes i'm so serious. he doesn't really get to involved with my past experiences with my illness. he's on top of it today. and he makes sure that i don't feel alone - mentally.
i really don't know where this entry is/was headed. i guess i was reminded on campus today about were i've come from since that day in september, 1984 when i arrived at college.... i don't think i've ever really caught my breath... not even yet. although i do feel like i have more of a handle on my life.... just not completely ok with it... wondering if i ever will be.