saturday march 1, 2003
unwell

i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell - rob thomas, mathchbox 20. i've had some tough days lately. i have not been a happy person. i think i've really been a huge bitch actually. i've never has such a tough time working with students than i can remember every having! More later!

oh, welcome to March... yes, it's freakin March already!


tuesday, march 4, 2003
the letter
natalie merchant


From the album "Tigerlily"

If I ever write this letter
the pages I could write
but I don't know where to send it
you have vanished
heaven knows where you live
heaven only knows

if I ever write this letter
bitter words it would contain
just an unrequited lover
wishing she had never
spoken your name
had never known your name

but if I ever write this letter
the truth it would reveal
knowing you brought me pleasure
how I'll often treasure
moments that we knew
the precious, the few

i dated a guy just before i moved to chicago in '96 or so... it was a whirlwind of a relationship but it was beautiful... i don't know where he is anymore. i do have bitterness towards the way he ended it... but i also have memories that will last a lifetime inside of me.

i've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. i know this sounds awful but this is the longest i've gone without having a boyfriend. people ask me about it all the time. and i honestly tell them that i'm too exhausted to have a serious relationship... i don't even know how to have a normal one - if there really is a "norm" out there.

seems as though i'm not the only one thinking about this. moderngypsy just wrote a quick bit about the same sorta thing - well sorta. and, since i can't remember how to make a link to a specific part of a website i'm just going to cut and paste it here for ya... so ya get it whether ya want it or not...

Friday, February 28, 2003

When an ex-partner of yours dates someone uglier than you, is that a compliment or an insult? What about if their previous partners are either really gorgeous (as with one ex o' mine) or skag ugly (as with another)?

I'm trying to think about "types", and what's mine (usually, no preference on things like hair and eyes, but I like either geeky skinnyboys or boyish guys with flippy hair and big ol' guns on 'em. Most of my preferences are all mental and/or behavioural rather than how they look. Call it too much time on the internet. Ahem.).

All this thinking, though, leads me to a place where I'm wondering about where I fit in with other people's "type". And if I fit in with the type of the ex's new one (or the new one's exes, for that matter), I'm now scared that I don't look nearly like I thought I did in my mind's eye. Eeeegh.

 And yes, this is all shallow and petty, and I don't care, thankyouverymuch. I'm just thinking, anyway.

----e
who is quite happy with the New Boy(tm)
despite this train of thought, and doesn't
really care about how skaggy the previous
occupants of his bed were. (well, not really.)

tuesday, march 4, 2003
sarah's, of course


the following are an excerpt from Sarah Maclachlan's, Elsewhere

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

to say the least things are moving in a gear that i'm not familiar with... one day i'm detached. the next i'm happy as hell. then i'm sick for a few days... there's a "new boy" in the picture - that's going much better than i had expected. school is just a freakin nightmare...

the lyrics above talk about "the time and in between the calm inside of me"... i couldn't explain things any better right now... the other night i had to go get blood drawn. i was waiting in the waiting room and i was just sitting there... just sitting. not talking, looking, wanting anything. i just sat there and i thought to myself "this is it... this the mindfulness that every is talking about and i like it and i need more of it!" now i find time to just sit and do absolutely nothing - and if feels great.

reaching out and reaching in... holding out and holding on... isn't that just the way life is. i think i just have to figure out when it's the right time to reach in and the right time to hold out. all the craziness i was talking about in the first part has a lot to do with this holding on and stuff. the really awesome thing is that my mental health as absolutely NEVER been better. i really feel like i'm starting to live that "normal" life that i've bitch on and on about through the years here in my journal.

take care.... i'll be back soon!


tuesday, march 18, 2003
this should be titled "beautiful innocence"


someone once told me that i had this "beautiful innocence" about me. he didn't get to elaborate because we were in a hurry and both had to get back to doing our job instead of playing on Irc. i really wanted him to explain though... but i knew if i couldn't get it from him at that point it would be ages before i could get him back to that sorta personal place that he tries (successfully) to stay as far away from as possible. so i really don't know what he means by it... or at least didn't until i woke up this morning.

i'm the type of person who will give anyone anything. clothes, food, money... whatever you need. i figure a good deed doesn't go... oh, i forget the saying. you know what i mean though. so i did it. i believed in someone and did something really stupid. and maybe i'm the only one who can believe this but... i did it very innocently. i didn't want anything in return... just wanted to help someone out of a bad spot. and it blew up in my face.

i don't know what is going on with this person that i tried to help... won't return phone calls... won't except calls... and, very short when i do get him. it's too bad really. i'm sure there is something out there glaring right at me saying "Jami, you are an idiot... how could you not have known after all these years of trying to do the same damn thing?" but, i dont' see... and, life still continues. i'm getting close to being like my "beautiful innocence" "friend" (geesh, the paranthesis')... keeping this computer stuff as impersonal as possible... but it's so damn hard...

eh... i'll get it one of these days...... see ya all later.... jami


thursday, march 27, 2003
"nursing this ghost of a chance"


i have an appointment with jonathan this evening. he's going to want to talk about ryan.... ryan returned my call finally this week and we talked... a very nice talk. problem with that is that just hours before he called i had told jonathan that if he ever called me again i was going to tell him to fuck off... i told him that i didn't think he was good guy like i'd always told everyone... it's ironic as hell that he called that night. i recognized his number on my caller id... i could have ignored it. i could have picked it up and said, "fuck off". i don't know. i could have done something to avoid the conversation we ended up having. i'm not going to spill it all here. it doesn't matter. what matters is that i didn't do those things that i could have. nope! i melted down...

i called jonathan immediately after i got off the phone with ryan and left a message.... i'm sure it was a confusing as hell message. i didn't ask him to call me or anything. i just left the message that i had a melt down. however, he called me anyway. the next morning he left a message for me saying that we desperately need to talk about what ryan (guys in general) really does to me... what happens to me..... *pause* so i don't really want to go to therapy because i don't want to have to think about it. it was much easier when i just didn't listen to myself.. just did what i did. he's going to make me think... make me make commitments to leave these "guys" alone. he's going to wanna know what power it is that they have over me.

the only thing i can think of is that i just want to not be the bad guy... the one who was in the wrong. i think i wanted ryan to tell me those things so that i felt like it wasn't my fault that the relationship didn't work. in fact, i've been thinking about this all week and i realized that i did the same thing with jeff (ex-husband). he was beating me verbally and physically but i wasn't going to give in. i was going to prove to his bitch of an ex-wife that he wasn't the monster she told me that he was. i just i'm just a bit stubborn that way.

i have to get back to class.... kiddies coming in to fail their test on solving equations... have i mentioned lately that i love my job?

friday, march 28, 2003
"i'm marking it down to learning"
matchbox 20


Aaron,

i've been thinking about this email for a long time. as i write it i'm not really quite sure what it's going to say or why i'm sending it to you... maybe it's because it has been you all along who believed in me... you have always told me that i'd be ok... i'd make it through. longer than anyone it was you... i guess it just seems right to send this off to you. i realize we don't talk much anymore. i just think if anyone can honestly be happy for me it'd be you.

A year ago this month, i started a 5 month journey into hospital after hospital ending sometime around the 4th of july... independence day. it was anxiety and depression... all the shit that you told me never to let me define myself by... i realize now that i was doing exactly that... for a very long time. and i realize that you were always trying to get me to see it all so differently.

well. here i am. i'm finally happy... not because of some guy... or the magic potions i take everyday. i'm just happy. don't get me wrong.... i still have shitty days - even weeks. but it's not emotional.. or "mental" anymore. it's just life sucking now and then. i have an excellent job. it's the hardest thing i've ever done and it drains the hell outta me... but i love it! i still see jonathan and he continues to support me and flirt like crazy with me (no, i'm not going to do him). i am sorta seeing this guy. but he's a med student - sorta (my age, btw) and we don't see much of eachother.. it works for me though. i'm damn busy with work...... i still get the "lonlies" i still second guess myself way more than i need to. but, it's all workin for me ok.

i think i've been hesitant to write this email because for a while i was so worried that the bottom was going to drop out from under me and it'd all be for nothing. but, i think i really trust myself now. trust what is going on around me and that i can deal with the shit i couldn't deal with before.

i still have all that shitty baggage hanging around too. and, honestly, i haven't a clue if it'll go away some day or if i've got it for the long haul. everyone always says that this stuff shapes you into the person you are today.... makes you stronger. i don't think i quite believe that. it's there... just there. so, anyway. here i am. happy. i can do it just like you've been telling me for 3-4 years now.

well. here i am (i just said that). there's so much more but i think i'll stop here and hope you actually read the whole thing. you are a very special part of my life... of my getting to this place where i am. i did listen to you... it just wasn't always easy to hear. you will always be a part me... hope that doesn't sound too strange. i love you dearly, aaron... i guess that's why it's you that i sent this to.

thank you!
j


saturday, march 29, 2003
peace


ok, so ya know that at least one entry would be about peace and the war and stuff. a friend of mine gave me a book the other day called "Prayers of Peace" i came across a prayer? or maybe just a quote about peace that i wanted to share.

"It's time for the quiet voices to get loud. We soft-spoken peace lovers must raise our voices and let it be known that we can lovingly and aggressively reach across those invisible lines that divide us into competing groups. We must work hard in order to articulate, loudly and clearly, the truths we have come to understand. We can and must pursue peace with furious energy and focus." Cantor Cathy Schwartzman, Temple of Universal Judaism, New York City.

i whole-heartedly support our troops. i've stayed away from this topic for so long because it just makes me so angry! michael moore (i think that's his last name) mentioned, at the Oscars, that we had a "fictious president" and we were fighting a "fictious war". i agreed with him.... well defnintely the first part of it. and, the only reason i don't really agree with the second part is because our men and women are put their lives out there for US without hesitation. that is not fictious. it is a huge reality. i think the reason we went to war and more HOW we went to war was wrong... that i think that could probably be the fictious part.

i guess i don't really have much more to say about it. as you all know i've been fighting a war with myself for years now. i think i have finally found that peace Cathy Schwartzman talked about above. it was a long haul but i think it's here.... i've got more to say but it's a totally differnt topic so i'll save it for another time. take care - talk soon


monday, march 31, 2003
getting closer to letting go


did a lot of reflecting last week. it appears, since my day has started, that i may still be doing the same. i am not a good person at letting things go. if you've been reading me for awhile you know i don't know how to handle change. last week i was forced into making a decision which in the end would cause a HUGE change in my life. something that i never thought i'd be brought up against. as it turned out, i "won". and winning has made me feel a bit better about the whole thing. but, i still had to go through that changing period... the lyrics that follow talk about change and hit very close to the situation i was forced into last week.

Down to One
melissa etheridge

What went right
What went wrong
Doesn't really matter much
When it's gone

Was it too hard to try
Was it too hard to lie
Did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye
Was it the naked truth that made you run
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

Sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one
My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it's done
I'm down to one

I want to know where I failed
I want to know where I sinned
Cause I don't want to ever feel this way again
Was the wanting too deep
Did it block your sun
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

What am I supposed to think
What am I gonna say
What did I ever know
About this love anyway