Sunday, May 21, 2000
i'm thinking..... i'm recovering from an emotional week..... i'm preparing to put my life in forward gear..... i'm tired.... i'm sad.... i miss jonathan (more about him later)... and I LOVE DAVID!
i'd write more if i felt even an inkling of creativity... but i don't. :o(
Wednesday, May 17, 2000
i woke up naked with wet hair this morning..... interesting..... i never sleep naked!
Monday, May 15, 2000
i'm still spinning....
life is cold right now
and i don't know what i'm saying
shaking - not shivering
sleep calls to me but i can't respond
it hurts... you hurt
things moving in all directions
is that right or wrong?
where did you go when you went away
why are you making this so difficult
i don't know what i'm saying
this doesn't need to be a bad thing
let me just remind you of...
... my strength
... my anger
... my fear
... my saddness
i think you forget that it isn't so damn easy
i was waiting for your magic wand
imagine my disappointment when i discovered
that you don't have one
ride away now... on your white horse
this is a part of life that i understand
no wait, that i've come to expect
i have my own little way of saying goodbye
this time it's my turn
i turn away and run to him for answers
this time he won't be there either
and, i don't know what i'm saying
Tuesday, May 9, 2000
my head just spins around in circles. complete thoughts are difficult to manage. it seems as though everything should be so damn easy by now! *Be patient* they tell me to give myself a break! it's not going to get better over night....... ok, but it hasn't been overnight! it's been 7 1/2 months damn it! and it's not like i wasn't struggling with all of this before then. i don't know. i just wish i could relax long enough to make some decisions. what should i do? where should i go? what the hell have i been doing in therapy for the last 7 months?
i'm tired. i'm always tired but..... i'll keep trying - every day.
Monday, May 8, 2000
one minute i think i have everything under (a slight bit) of control and then before i know it ------------- forget it! i'm fucked again. i have decisions to make that i just plain ole don't feel like messing with. unfortunately, they are decisions that will affect my living arrangements...
*heavy sigh*
i'm tired of being this way. i'm tired of telling myself... if only i'd just motivate myself enough to get here or go there.... i'm tired of medicine... i'm tired of therapy. i'm tired of not feeling like i know what the hell is going on in my head!
i was happy today because i talked to a friend yesterday.... made me feel important.... "normal". but then today i came home from therapy to find that my boyfriend has been stuck on Satan's rollercoaster all day! i can't save him. i can't stop the ride. the horrible thing is that i feel the ride too - i've been on it so many times. i wish i could destroy the damn thing! but, it's really hard to destroy something that doesn't exist!
i thought i had something exciting to write about today. i was hoping that i had found some bit of my creativity.... it's been missing for a LONG LONG TIME! too bad that i was wrong. this is awful.... it's whiny and boring. i'll stop here for a few days. when i come back...... i'll bring some excitement with me! i promise!
Monday, May 1, 2000
running away... running away... yesterday i was wondering if i would know if i was running from my problems or just moving on. today i wonder if it's even considered running away if there isn't anything to run away from. i plan to take my 'issues' with me when/if i go anywhere (notice they are no longer consider 'problems').
believe it or not.... i'm still in therapy. been there since september. i approached jonathan *my therapist* with the idea that i quit soon. stop going all together. he laughed at me thinking i was joking around with him. i guess that would be my clue that it's not quite the right time... in his eyes at least. he is the professional....
i'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow anyway. i think i have a legitamite point when i say that i wouldn't be running from anything.... i'm more than happy to take them with me if it means that i can just get out of the Hell Hole commonly referred to as Chicago. i don't know... i just don't know... will i ever?
Sunday, April 30, 2000
I wonder when or if I'll ever know when moving isn't "running" but starting new. Ya see, I'm a runner. It's funny, actually, I hate running... the long distance, cross-country type running that they do in high school or the olympics. It's pretty ironic now that I think about it. I'm such a great runner! I never look back... until I'm forced too.
I haven't been around here much lately. I've been looking at the things in my past... sortin' through my attic filled with scary things and aggrevating things and ugly and hurtful things. I haven't the slightest idea what I will do with all of them now that I've found them... I do know that I need desperately to get back here. I've "wandered" too far from here. I think that I'm back though... I've missed you all. Thanks for waiting around. kisses.......... me