sunday, may 4, 2003
just a day

i just can not get that vanessa carlton song out of my head.... just a day, just a day, just an ordinary day... just a boy, just a boy, just an ordinary boy...

i'll be back around this week....... i have a reflection i want to write about from my stroll around wrigleyville...... but i'll talk about it later.


monday, may 5, 2003
sadness - at least according to him...

i was reading an article about the "Bachelor", Andrew Firestone. the reporter asked him about being phobic of marriage.... and his reply went like this.... "What I came to realize," Firestone is saying, in a tone that screams "deep and sincere" in the way early-date revelations tend to, "is it's more fun to make 'we' memories than 'I' memories. I mean , I don't want to be 35 and explaining to, you know, my girlfriend all the things i've been doing over the last 35 years. I want to be talking about things we've done together over the last 10 years."

it hit me hard that i'm one of those people who will be explaining my last 36 years... maybe 37... i don't have the 10 year option open... at least not at the moment... and i suppose that makes me sad. tonight at therapy jonathan told me that i was sad. i was but i wasn't talking about it or anything. he just brought it up. "your sad", he said. and i said, "yes i am." and then i guess i sorta stared off into space because he asked me where i went... what was i thinking about. i didn't really know actually. growing old alone maybe... thinking that maybe i've ruined my life somehow. i don't really know.

of course i told him i was going to be all right. and of course he said "of course you will" or something like that. that's sorta my reply to anything and everything that i don't have an answer for at the moment. like right now. i'm going to be all right.... lauren is here. we are going for dinner... catcha later....


tuesday, may 6, 2003
each day

,
i came home late this evening to find that no one had called...

each day,
each week,
each month,
he falls more in love with her.
not at all unlike i did with him.
his memories of our past are beginning to fade
just a little more...
each day,
each week,
each month.


friday, may 16, 2003
remember when?

I was stained with a role
In a day not my own
And as you walked into my life
You showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew what was right
I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see from such a different sight

And I will never see the sky the same way
And I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday
And I will never cease to fly... if held down
And I will always reach too high
'Cause i've seen 'cause i've seen twilight
---- vanessa carlton, twilight

 this past weekend i ironically - extremely ironically - came across a very tiny newspaper article in a vey tiny little Fort Wayne, IN newspaper. the headline said something about "ex-coach being sued for alleged battery of a student". that coach is my ex-husband.... my mother came into my room that morning and said "if you ever think you did the wrong thing, you need to read this newspaper article and you'll know you didn't...." so i got up and did all the morning wake up things and sat down to read what figured would be some comic relief piece on stress or something...

so i've taken all the guess work out about what she was telling me... jeff had beat the hell outta me a number of times. and verbally... i can't even explain what he did to my life.... 6 years later and i still don't know. i hadn't heard from him... hadn't seen him. nothing... for 6 years... and then suddenly there it is again and i was staring at this page that had his name on it... that had what he'd done... what he'd done other students and had gotten away with it... what he had done to me.

ok, ok. i know. i know. this had NOTHING to do with me.... that's what everyone is telling me. everyone except the flashbacks that i've been having... feeling it all and seeing it all again... so many "if onlys". i had him arrested only once. and, that was after we were separated. he broke the restraining order and pushed me around a bit. but the police/lawyers - whoever only charged him with battery. i was pissed. what about the restraining order? he broke? they were letting him get away with breaking it. what good - how safe - just what are they for if they aren't used correctly. no wonder so many women die each year from domestic violence.

so, what had NOTHING to do with me has actually turned me a bit upside down and inside out this week. and each time i sat down to write this entry i started different ways. and i kept thinking to myself that this is defintely going to be an on-going entry.... i'm sorry but i need to get this stuff out. this were i come to do that.......

i do want to explain that i am happy at the moment... happy meaning that i don't feel hopeless or worthless and that's a good thing according to jonathan. i'm not going into this deep dark depression over this... however, i am feeling so guilt. i dropped the charges against him in '96. i had my head so far up my butt from all of the abuse that i didn't know what the hell i was doing.... i was just trying to get him out of my life.. i didn't care how. i just wanted him to go away. but now i feel guilty because if i'd stuck to my guns he may have seen jail time. he'd already been found guilty of battery with his first wife. he was actually on probation when i met him... ok, i know... big sign glarin in my face - DANGER, DANGER. but all i heard was that he'd been to counceling and he was better...

if i had continued with my case against him, maybe that boy wouldn't be going through what i can only imagine is complete hell... and for that i feel guilt. *sigh* like i said... this is going to be an on-going entry.... i just have so much to get out... i wanna explain the lyrics above... lots of things but i'm too emotionally tired to go any further at the moment.... take care. j


tuesday, may 22, 2003
another day

you make me cry...
and you,
and you,
and, yes, even you


thursday, may 22, 2003
because life's like this

I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone
I'm crying outloud.. I'm crying ouTLouuud....
But you weren't there when I was all alone
and I was scared. I was so alone.
--- avril lavigne, losing grip

 lost my grip lastnight... i'm 36 and i just felt like i didn't want to be where i "was" in life at that moment..... i figured so much more would be happening at 36... more normal stuff.. just about the time that i feel like i am heading towards "normality" i realize it's just a joke.

today a guy told me that reality is an illusion - all be it a very very persistent one. he was quoting albert einstein... i thought he'd just seen the matrix or something....

i'm tired of getting old and playing the same games again and again...

there's more to this entry.... just don't know what it is right now.... i'll be back.


tuesday, may 27, 2003
Ophelia

i've been having an incredibly difficult time of things lately. i don't know what to blame... who to blame... i don't know what the hell is wrong. obviously all wednesday evening i cried - see last entry. i just don't know.

this weekend i was home alone. laura and joe (the bf) were in wisconsin. i had a lot of stuff to do and i was lookin forward to having the time to get it done. but underneath all that i was shaking... crying... uncomfortable. is it that i just don't like where i am? a 36 year old nobody? could that be the only thing causing all this misery?

it's a very private misery this time. i haven't talked much about it. obviously i talk to jonathan. and i talked to greg a little about it thursday night. *shrug* it's private because i don't want to acknowledge that i'm starting to feel shaky... it scares me and more than anything it scares the hell outta the people around me.

so i just keep being happy little jami. people smile at me and i smile back. i say the right things... i do stuff with friends and greg and stuff. i play around online like my life is incredibly wonderful. perhaps you should call me Ophelia instead of jami.....

a few years ago i read Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation. someone plans to make it into a movie very soon. but, lastnight at lauren's i ran into my old copy of it that i'd loaned to her. i'd marked that thing all up... highlighted things here and underlined them there... looking over it just now i found something that might just calm me down a bit....

"It's funny, but when i was little, before i'd go to sleep my mom would do this routine with me where she'd tell me to think of pretty things. i would close my eyes and she would run her fingers over my cheeks and across my brow. and we'd go through this list. i think it was a way of preventing nightmares - and it would always be, you know, pussycast and puppy dogs and balloons at the zoo. sometimes she'd mention yellow submariens, stars in the sky, blackbirds flying overhead, trees in Central Park, and even - believe it or not - that on Saturday i would get to see Daddy. Nothing that extraordinary, but when you're four years old, it's cats and dogs that make life worth living. And I kind of think it's maybe not so different now."

maybe it's not so different? i've always thought that growing up meant that everything just got harder and harder to do... and it is somewhat true i guess. but it doesn't have to be all that complicated either? at least that's what i'm wondering... pussycats and puppy dogs... can't go wrong when their around... i'm just going to try to relax... i am absolutely not going to give into the idea that my meds have started NOT WORKING AGAIN. i refuse to believe that... i've been doing so well. i'm just going to go on my merry little way. lots of deep breaths and sighs. stay busy and try to work on the positiveness (is that a word) of life. could use some moral support... you can email me it's jami_ly@yahoo.com ... i'd make it a link for you but i haven't used html to code anything in sooooo long... you'll just have to cut and paste. hmmm, seems that's the way i do everything these days..... see ya.....


thursday, may 29, 2003
naked - for jonathan

"Naked"
--Avril Lavigne

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've nver felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm tyring to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin

I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through


friday, may 30, 2003
losing my grip...
naked around you

i've decided that i'm just really stressed out. i love what i'm doing.... i'm just not use to doing so much.

last time i can remember being so "involved" in things was when i was married.... what a nightmare.

tomorrow would have been our 12th wedding aniversary... 12 years. for very obvious reasons i'm glad that i won't be celebrating it.

aaron did move... i wish him lots of luck and even more love. i think you did a very good thing babe.

jonathan is having a baby. well, his wife is. he's concerned that i will feel like he's not paying attention enough to me once it's born. nah.


end of another month.. damn this year has gone by so quickly. less than two months till i turn 37... great, then i can be a 37 year old "ole maid"

is there really someone out there? do you think so? just wondering.... have a wonderful weekend if i'm not around.


saturday, may 31, 2003
All Things Grow with Love

ya know how i remember that May has 31 days? it's because i was married on may 31, 1991. 12 years ago.

*pause for reflection*


i'm sitting at my roommate's computer and her desk calendar for today is a picture of flowers and a butterfly and the words... All Things Grow with Love...

that's what i believed in. i believed that love was going to get us through the rough spots that we were having. i wasn't all those names he called me. i wasn't a bad little girl who needed a beating to make me good. no. he was a monster.

i remember standing at the sink washing dishes. i can't remember if anyone was home or not. if so it was probably his son, Brad. it wouldn't have surprised me if he was at a "football meeting" and would be home "late". but i was standing there washing dishes and looking out on our beautiful backyard. it was so beautiful because i worked my ass off at making it that way. i digress. it was at that moment... that very moment... that i realized i was not happy. i realized that i wasn't growing with love. it hadn't occurred to me when he called me a dumbass for getting to the bank too late to make a deposit... it hadn't occurred to me when he had me pinned to the ground bashing my head into the runner for the closet door... didn't even occurr to me the next day when i'd get up and make my way to work as if nothing had happened... nothing was wrong... it was that moment at the sink looking out over all that beauty.

i don't think i ever considered divorce. no, not even after he'd do his tricks. i figured that we could get through it somehow.... that we loved each other and it'd work out... we would grow. all we did was grow apart... mounds at a time.

this year i'm reminded so much more of the chaos because of what he did to that boy on his swim team in january. in 2003. heh, he was arrested for domestic assault in 1982. he was still going strong in '92 beating the hell outta me. now, 20 years later he is the same man he has always been. oh, i have no doubt in my mind that he did exactly what that boy says he did. the boys mother described it to me and it was the same things he'd done to his first wife... the students he taught when we were married... the stuff that he did to me. it was him all right. i think i had called the boy's house hoping that it wasn't the Jeff Shoup that i married. but it was. (at this very moment i'm shaking...)

obviously, i did, finally, do what i needed to do to get away from him before he killed me. obviously, i still have nightmares... still have to stop myself from remembering all the negativity that goes with thinking about that time in my life. all that wasted time... just trying to give love a chance to grow.

i'm angry and sad and hateful all that the same time. i'm sure there's even more in there somewhere.

*pause for reflection*


tomorrow is another day....... j.