monday, may 24, 2004
still saying goodbye

i'm here. i've been damn preoccupied with rights and wrongs lately. so much i want to talk about but i'm going to have to wait....... i just can't seem to think real straight at the moment. i'll write more soon.... ALSO: i'm adding a new section to my site. it's going to be called "The Vault" it's excerpts from my paper journals from clear back to 1984. it'll be up soon. i've been puttin lots of time in on it. later.

tuesday, may 25, 2004
still saying goodbye

it's just that i'm having a hard time right now. i'm here (chitown) and there (indiana) and i'm sorta afraid of there right now. at least when i'm here i can hide if i want to. i can hide from people or obligations or just anything.

i'm in this relationship with this guy back home and it's pretty serious. and i'm really scared. this morning at 5:30 (i couldn't sleep) he told me (on the phone) that if i had faith i wouldn't have fear. i told him that i'd had so much faith in so many people in my life and i've just been steamrolled for it too many times. i'm not sure he knew what to say at that point. he did change his tune a bit.

i just wonder... and i wish aaron was here to help me.... if asking to know when he gets emails from these chicks he's dated before asking him to have lunch with them... is it too much to ask him to tell me about them? (sorry, that's an awkward sentence, hey, it's damn early). on the way to the train sunday night he told me that he can't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone but me... lastnight i asked if he remembered our sunday conversation and he said... "the part about me wanting to marry you?" i, uh, sorta said, "well, you didn't exactly say it that way... but.... yeah that's the part." doesn't that sound serious or is it just me???

i hate it when i go to people's websites and all they do is talk about their boyfriend problems... but this is more about me... honestly... i'm coming to the end of the school year, trying to get a job for next fall, and trying to figure out how to tell people that i'm going to move in with him (jeff) when i move back. and trying to figure out if i should. i suppose everyone knows it's going to happen. we all just side stip it a little. it's really the only sensible thing to do. i'm not going to pay rent and spend all my time at his place... and he's not going to pay a morgage and spend all his time at my place. we may as well work together - don't ya think? but, yeah, i'm in the middle of this storm i've created for myself. the eye of the hurricane... unfortunately i think the hurricane is starting to break up and become just a really bad storm and that nice safe little place in the middle doesn't exist anymore... or won't exist for much longer AND THEN WHAT?

damn it aaron! where are you? why did you go? faith... fear... and people wonder... i just have this way of putting faith in the wrong things i guess. that's the real entry here. i've done it so many times that i don't know when it's right or not very well. aaron... i could trust him. he told me the truth... he was friend and that was all. he didn't have reasons to hold back or lie. that's why i want him right now. he'd tell me..... but, alas, he too has walked out of my life. shit......

it's time for work. more later i suppose.

cheers

wednesday, may 26, 2004
balloons
clowns
and starbucks...

i've got to say goodbye somehow. i thought perhaps that since i'd still speak to him on the phone i wouldn't need to say goodbye. i forget what he said monday night - maybe he didn't say anything and it was just the look he gave me. it's not going to be the same.

i've left some people in my life that i really cared about. it was necessary for me to go. in most cases i didn't really have choice. choice or not, leaving jonathan is something i don't know how to do.

i don't have a lot of things from my past. no yearbooks or photos from college. friends.... momentos... but i have a few - old and new on the bulletin board on my desk here in front of me. a picture of my mother - young and beautiful in Central Park... a place that she fit into so naturally. i've a picture of lynne and i some 7-8 years ago. there's the tickets from all the places that jeff has taken me since november of last year. my dad... driving his boat, looking out over the water with that "i'm just so happy to be alive" smile of his... and some other miscellaneous stuff. ah, the ferris wheel ticket. a date on it that i'll never forget. a date that i thank God for giving me the chance to experience the joy of feeling like a woman, feeling normal - for however long that lasted. there's the button of the fire fighters putting up the flag amidst all the rubble and dust on 9/11. something about a guardian angel and some pics of places i've been or would like to be. there's a card stuck right in the middle that i bought years ago. it says, if I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting but i would decline, for life would no longer teach me anything. i don't know if i've started learning or not?

the point? of all the things i still have in my possession there is very little to remind me of jonathan. here's a man who, while he has said he is attracted to me, has never treated me with anything but respect. now i realize i pay the man. i pay for a friend right? it's hard to talk to him about this. this leaving... am i leaving a man who treated me with respect, a friend for lack of a better term... or am i leaving a man who i paid to treat me that way? it's hard to talk about really. i know there is no "friendship". but there really is something more than just a therapist/client relationship. even if he doesn't admit it... i know it to be true.

life hands us some shitty cards now and then. funny, i thought the time that i was in the hospital for psych reasons and thought for sure i'd die before they figured out how to kill the demons... how to set me free... i thought that was perhaps the hardest thing i'd ever had to go through. but as the time for me to leave chicago gets closer, i'm forced... yes, forced, to figure out how to leave behind someone like jonathan. he says we need to talk about it. i say i don't know how or sometimes i come up with stuff. but talking about it is NOT going to do anything to make it feel ok inside. a year ago, aaron left. i knew he was going. i still ache. jonathan is 100 aarons and more. my life will go on. i'll do the things i need to do to be me. but damn it if there won't be just one more big hole left in my soul.

anonymous
"for you - again"

today you are leaving and
taking a piece of me with you -
just like so many have done in my past
in fact, there are so many holes
now in my soul that i'm seriously
considering just letting it go...
go bankrupt for lack of a better term
and just start over with a new one... new soul
but what about him?
should i wait and see?
i can't believe i'm asking you
what is right...
you are gone - packed up and
moved right on out of here -
happy as can be...
just like so many in my past
- friday, april 23, 2004

wrote that about ryan. i know jonathan's not leaving me... but the hole... the many holes... they will pale in comparison to the one that will be left when i finally say goodbye to jonathan.