black and white people
...if it's just that you're weak
can we talk about it
it's gettin' so damn creepy
just nursing this ghost of a chance
the fiction, the romance
and the technicolor dreams
of black and white people...
thank you matchbox 20 - black and white people
thursday, november 16, 2000
where are you
don't personalize... what the hell does that mean? i can't help but personalize when you don't give me anything to go by. you disappear and that is supposed to be ok. it's not. not anymore. i deserve to know what's going on. i deserve some phone calls and a few explanations.
can i tell you this? over the phone? why must it be over the phone.... the bottomline is that i miss you like crazy. i love you dearly. and, i don't want to lose "us". the "us" that you talked so much about in the beginning.
i don't know where to go. i know that feeling the way i do right now is NOT how i want to continue. i know that i want to spend the holidays with you... is it wrong for a woman to wish to spend thanksgiving with her boyfriend? christmas? i am so confused. just tell me what the hell is going on.
now, if only i could actually email this to you. i'm afraid though. i'm afraid of the answer i might get. so, i leave it here for the world to see.... although the world doesn't know who either of us is...
God! the more i sit here the angrier i become. i'm pissed that i can't just pick up a phone and call you. i pissed that you haven't called to leave a message for me... with the phone number. you've always given me your number. God! this is absolutely ridicules. and here i sit... at work... feeling worse and worse and i think you don't give a shit.
i need to go on. i need to turn this machine off and work on my responsibilities. i am angry. and, i would like some answers.
wednesday, november 15, 2000
will someone please....
monday, november 13, 2000
gloomy monday
how am i today? thank you for asking. i'm not great. but, not great isn't bad. it's gloomy out but i still have a magnificient view of downtown. it's cold as hell. it rained sideways this morning on my trek from the train into the school. sideways... my poor umbrella has a broken wing so it had troubles with it's effectiveness. can't blame it. it was windy and cold as hell! but, me. how am i?
lastnight i was very angry. i was confused as to how to talk to david about all of this. something inside me believed that he'd call and act as though nothing was wrong. and he did. jonathan wanted me to be sure to tell him that i am unhappy. not that i want to stop seeing him. just tell him that i'm unhappy and i can't continue to be unhappy. i asked jonathan when i would stop giving in again and again. evidently, he said, i'd know when that time came. i'm not ready to give up or give in. i want this to work. it's just not working well at the moment.
i told david i was unhappy. i expressed that i felt like i was smothering him and i didn't want to continue to do that. he told me that i am "so sweet". i told him that this is a good time - him on the road and me starting this job - to slow things down like he said. to see if this is really what i want.... he agreed. he's going to call me this evening.
i didn't ask where or what he did this weekend. i'm too afraid to hear the answer. does that make me a wimp? hmmm...
more later,
j
sunday, november 12, 2000
i feel...
and, i am angry.
saturday, november 11, 2000
......
today is david's birthday. i talked to him wednesday night. he'd been to the hospital in norfolk and was home resting. evidently his ulcer was acting up or something miserable like that. i called thursday... mind you i don't usually have to call because he calls me... he was in bed. i didn't want to bother him so i let him go. knowing today was coming along i got online and checked airfare to ann arbor. i thought it would be nice for a gf to visit her bf on his birthday. i couldn't get anything cheap but i decided to call him back and let him know i'd tried. the line was busy. it was busy some more.
God this hurts
i eventually talked to him. he was talking to his mother. i explained that i'd spend time with him if i could and he played it off. madalyn (his 4 year old daughter) is having a hard time without her daddy he told me. the last time this happened he went back "home" and tried to work things out with his ex-wife.... who, incidently, isn't quite his ex-wife yet.
things have been so weird with us ever since i got out of the fucking hospital.
i had sent him a birthday card - to norfolk. so, friday after work i called there to see if he'd gotten it. he had checked out all ready. he was planning to stay there until saturday. all though, now that i think about it all he did seem rather noncommital... (sorry, my spelling sucks when i'm so upset). so, i waited and called his parents thinking he'd visit them this weekend since he'd be home. they haven't seen him. it's almost 6:00pm there and they haven't seen him or heard from him.
i am here at laura's for the weekend - alone. i'm thinking that i should be at home but i'd feel alone there too. without david i feel alone. i know we aren't together often - especially lately but.... i've let him in and now it hurts because he's so deep. what do i do now? how do i get things done when i'm bawling all the time? it hurts and i don't want to hurt. i feel so alone. i feel sooooo alone. i'm scared and i don't want to be.
i feel like a rejected fool. i know that i shouldn't. i know that i should be ok. i shouldn't let someone have so much power over me. i know these things but it doesn't help right now. i'm angry and i want to throw up. i don't want to be alone but i don't want to be with anyone. i'm lost damn it. i have this wonderful life now with this job. i can do whatever i want now. i'm just hurting so much again. i told myself that i wouldn't hurt like this anymore. i don't want to be alone the rest of my life. but, i was sure that i wasn't just pushing david into a spot i wanted filled. but if he's causing me so much pain right now that the only reason i can think of.... the hole is still there....
so how do i get through now? i'm talking immediately? how do i not let the moment consume me? jonathan tells me to stay in the moment! this is one i don't want to be in. i won't hurt myself physically because that won't make david magically appear and all this fear and anger and mistrust won't go away. but i can't sit with the feelings i've got right now. i don't have anywhere to go with them. i'm just so sad. please.... someone help me figure it out....
i guess i don't have much more to say. thank you for listening. jami
friday, november 10, 2000
if you're gone
If You're Gone
I think you're already gone.
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing with
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of some me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling
-excerpts from if your gone matchbox twenty - mad season
the problem with all these lyrics is that you don't get to hear the music. the music really makes some of these pieces what they are to me.... oh well. go to napster and check 'em out if you'd like.
jami
thursday, november 9, 2000
he's back
perfectionist he calls me. i don't think it's perfection. i think it's just doing what is expected of normal people. of course he had to remind me that i'm mentally ill. oh yeah. gee, for a quick moment there i'd forgotten. what hospital stay last summer? what drugs that make me fat? what scars on my arm? i think i can be normal and still have a mental illness. and, i don't want to have to work at it. i just want to be! just seems like i should be able to handle this job. and, i think i've been doing a fairly good job of handling it. i don't know....
my students have a test tomorrow. i wrote it. i hope they do well. i'm afraid they won't though. we are reviewing today and they are asking questions that i wouldn't expect them to ask if they were acutally ready to take it. however, i have to move on. they will have to catch up. class is about to start again so i'm off. my friend is back from australia! yay! i missed him. i feel funny when he's not around to talk to.
wednesday, november 8, 2000
hangover
so, i'm sitting across from a rather large fellow this morning on the train. he was just chawing on his gum. popping it here, chomping it there.... i do have to applaud my behaviour though! as much as i wanted to tell him, "look you are a grown man! chew your gum like one!".... i refrained. all ready depressed to start the day out i decided the gum chewing was one battle i didn't need to fight. isn't it funny how when you really want to ignore something it WON'T go away.... the guy was still on the train when i made my transfer... what are the frickin odds on that? actually, never having been one for stats and probability, i don't really care.
i'm going to spend my weekend with Mimsie! yayayayayay! i'm at the school so i don't have any piccies available of the little darling but, i'll see about uploading one soon. if you backtrack through my archives you can find one... but, let me just admit here for a moment that she's not quite that adorable... i wouldn't bother searching... i'd wait it out for the picture coming soon! laura has been watching her since David started travelling (sp?). laura is going to be out-of-town this weekend so i get to kitty-sit for my own kitty. hmm.
well, i have to go now. doug, my department chairman, wants to chit-chat about the department. imagine that.... i wonder what great little math toys i can get him to order for me :o)
cheers, jami
tuesday, november 7, 2000
been held hostage
today was my first experience with teaching a seminar. two of them actually... thank God they are the same seminar and different kids. i'm proud to admit (ok, not so proud) that they both were complete failures! Doug, the department chairman, gave me an idea and it lasted a whole 10 minutes. i'm fairly sure that he had planned for me to lead a discussion after the presentation which would have eaten up 20 more minutes or so of the 90 minute session. but, since i knew NOTHING about the topic i couldn't exactly lead a discussion. nothing is worse than leading a discussion when you are clueless about the topic. winging it at a college prep school just won't cut it. inevitiably you end up with the smartest damn kid in the school IN YOUR SEMINAR! which means of course he/she knows more about everything than you do! NOT GOOD for discussion groups.
so.... after i introduced them to pythagorean triples - which is all i could do... no discussion, i proceeded to show them a really cool card trick i learned in one of my upper level teaching courses at Ball State. yes, we learned card tricks in class.... yeeee, sorry Dad, i really did learn something with all those years of college you and Mom paid for. but anyway, the kids were absolutely not interested in a card trick. they weren't even interested in just knowing how to do it. i showed them anyway. nothing like looking out into the crowd and seeing BORED, VERY BORED expressions on everyones' faces.... errrr.
oh well. we are going to put together a website for each seminar. that should be fun. i don't need to tell you that i was much more excited about the activity than they were. geesh, how do you excite freshman??? ABOUT LEARNING... don't worry, i know how to do it other ways. NOT that i would... oh, man, this isn't going quite the way i had planned it to go either. i think i'll just quit here for a bit and go home. we are off early today for the election. Go Gore.... but, that's another entry i'm not prepared to submit.
hope you all have a great one........... me
monday, november 6, 2000
kryptonite
kyrptonite
(Lyrics by Arnold)
(Music by Roberts, Arnold & Harrell)
I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don稚 mind what happens now and then
As long as you値l be my friend at the end
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I知 alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I値l keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite
You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I知 alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I値l keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite
friday, november 3, 2000
november
No shadows, no stars
There's no moon and no cars
November.
It only believes
In a pile of dead leaves
And a moon
That's the colour of bone.
No prayers for November
To linger longer.
Stick your spoon in the wall
And we'll slaughter them all.
November has tied me
To an old dead tree.
Get word to April
To rescue me.
November's cold chain,
Made of wet boots & rain.
Shiny black ravens on chimney smoke lanes.
November seems odd
You're my firing squad,
November.
With my hair slicked back
With carrion shellac
And the blood from a pheasant
And the bone from a hare.
Tied to the branches
Of a roebuck stag.
Left to wave in the timber
Like a buck shot flag. Go away rainsnout
Go away, blow your brains out!
November
tom waite
november 1, 2000
3 going on 4!!!
i had a student suspended yesterday. last thursday he bumped into my overhead projector while shooting paper wads into the trash can. he knocked it over and broke it. of course he has an entirely different story..... so yesterday he decided to shoot some again.... this was after the assistant principal informed him that he was going to pay for a new one. i sent him to the office after he missed his shot but he never showed up to the principal..... boy oh boy is he in trouble now. it's a shame too... i'd much rather have a student in class than suspended. sometimes i think the kid would rather be suspended. i'm not sure the logic there. they still have to make up all the work. *shrug*
my dad has been critiquing (sp?) my poetry lately. he was an English teacher for 36 years and peotry was his big thing. i asked him to look at it but..... geeeessss.... his comments sure have taken the fun out of writing it all. he wants me to keep it up but i'm thinking it's a whole lotta work now that i know someone who knows a thing or two about poetry is looking it over. errrr......
welp, i think i'll take off for the day. i have a free period at the end of the day today. it's beautiful outside - i'd love to go out and play. i wonder if anyone would notice that i sorta disappeared early???? i better not risk it.
i get to see jonathan tonight. OH CRAP.... he gave me an assignment to do and i left it at home. i knew i was going to do that! grrrrr (again).
i've been waivering between keeping this journal up and just quitting.... it's just that not many people see it. BUT then, what's the purpose of it??? i think i started it as an outlet to the everyday stress. i don't think it was for the purpose of others to read..... with that in mind i think i'll just stick with it for the time being...... if you are reading - thank you! talk soon! j