saturday, november 2, 2002
ain't no sunshine when she's gone...
God it's been forever since i wrote anything here. i'll be damn lucky to have at least one reader still. i just haven't felt like typing.. writing...whatever... since i've moved into laura's i haven't been myself. i seemed to have lost myself from the time i left Wrigleyville to now.
i had my own place and everything was in place... now i don't have those things. i'm sharing everything. my computer was broken in the move so i have to rely on borrowing laura's - which isn't a problem. i've stoppped doing my devotions in the morning and i've stopped going to Emotions Anonymous. BUT! i am making it to work and that's important.
i was lonely living alone. i guess i thought by moving in with someone it would help at least a little bit. but i think i'm discovering that it's not loneliness... i think it's all the times that i've been left sorta high and dry in a relationship. i hear a song and i'm frozen in the arms of the one i was when i first heard the song. still after 6 years i can feel his arms around me. 6 long years. i'm over him really ..... i'm just not over the way he made me smile... and, i'm not over the way he held onto me in times that really mattered. i miss him... i miss you Troy...
so here i am 6 years older and nothing at all to show for it. i've had a relationship or two since Troy but nothing like that summer with him. i find myself looking for it all the time though. hrmm.. so what does all this have to do with my not doing the things that my therapist, jonathan, and i know i need to be doing.... i wish i knew. i know i'm unhappy. i guess the important things don't seem so important when i'm unhappy. not a good excuse i realize. i'll try to make it better this week. i'll try to come here more... and i'll try to remember Troy just little less.....
sunday, november 3, 2002
when you say nothing at all
two days in a row... this could be a very good thing or not... i haven't felt so hot today. i think it's the caffiene that i started drinking again. it's been months since i've had any. but oh well.... i went to church and had a decent morning there. after that i came home via the coffee shop and a few friends. it was fun. i like getting out. i just don't feel so hot so i cut the visit short and came home for a nap.
i don't know why it is that i haven't been here often. jonathan thinks it's because i'm "bored". i don't have any great drama going on in my life at the moment. no guy screwing over like in the past. i have a nice place to live - even if i don't feel like it's half mine. i have some decent friends and more opportunities than ever to make more.
maybe this will be the week where i really break out of my shell and do something about my personal life... i don't seem to be living from one moment to the next like i has been the past pattern. i actually have good days at a time. things to do and people to meet....
but there is still that part of me that feels like a pigeon on the sidewalk. i feel different and disliked... shit... i shouldn't think that way. but i do.. it's with me a lot when i walk to or from the train. just feel like this little tiny insignificant spot on this earth... i wonder what the point is.
everyone asks the same questions sometime in their life.... i'm sure of it. i'll just try to keep my head above water this week... and i'll try to write more often.......
wednesday, november 6, 2002
being alone
this entry isn't going to make a lot of sense. i'm just writing off the top of my head. i'm alone but i'm not right now. i'm angry and there isn't any reason to be. i went online to see if i could find Turtle... but, i just ran into someone else online and i actually enjoyed it. i'm frustrated with a lot going on in my life right now... but the damnest part of it is that i don't know what is wrong. i don't know. i'm going to bed now. i'm going to go sit in my room and think about things that i'm frustrated about... i'm going to my bedroom alone... i'm tired of being alone. i'm sad, frustrated, angry... i just want my life to be ok... a pleasure. i'm tired of trying so hard. i guess i'm done here... thanks for listening.
friday, november 8, 2002
still not making sense
i would like people to just leave alone. ok. maybe that's an over-statement. i want mean people to just ignore me. i want nice people in my life. i want the kind that i can trust and like and maybe even love someday. but, alas, i continue to get shit... (two close friends not included in case you read this).
sunday, november 10, 2002
last man out
it's funny that two days ago i was wanting people to just leave me alone. i always say ya have to be careful for what you wish for. yesterday i lost a friend. he's no longer and in my life. gone like a part of my body almost. it's still way to raw to write about. i don't know what kind of feelings i should have about it. grief? i don't now. i am serioulsy going to miss you Ryan... man am i going to miss you.
monday, november 11, 2002
day 3
day 3 and i'm still sad. i feel like there is this empty spot in my body. i've talked everyone's ear off... saw jonathan... went shopping and bought way too much... but here it is night time and i'm back to feeling empty and alone. someone email me and remind me that i was feeling alone before i found out Ryan was seeing someone else. someone email me and tell me to grow up or something. my friend Blair said he feels bad for me... that was incredibly helpful for me... i don't now why. but, thanks Blair.
i have to work tomorrow... i've got a lot to do... working on a new project. i'm hoping it will keep my mind busy... i don't want to remember that Ryan isn't in my life at all anymore. just like that... *poof* he's gone.
tuesday, november 12, 2002
out of nowhere
i'm feeling quite different than i have the last couple of days. i'm confused beyond recognition right now. what is right versus what i want to be... i had someone in channel (irc) tell me that when i become more secure in myself i'll be better equipped to deal with losses like these. i hadn't really thought about it that way... insecure.. yeah... but to the point that it clouds my judgement? i guess i want to believe No.
there is so much more i'd like to tell you. but for now, i'm going to just hold onto it. i'm afraid to talk about it. it's so fragile... or is it? maybe it's just insanity. i'm holding onto "it" by a thread right now. and wondering at the same time if it's even a good thing to do. damn it! what is right and what is wrong? when am i really cared about and when is it just for something else? damn it i'm confused right now.
saturday, november 16, 2002
saying goodbye
"Easy Way to Cry"
-- David Gray,
a new day at midnight
Faith gone from your eyes
Each word it flies
Taking you further away
And come that day
There ain't no easy way to cry
And as I watch you leave i stand
Inside my house of straw
And everywhere i go i find
Things recollecting to my mind
How right it all could be
Faith gone from your eyes
Each word it flies
Taking you further away
And come that day
There ain't no easy way to cry
sunday, november 17, 2002
just some thoughts
i figured that after having a decent day on friday that i would be ok. i took thursday off and just cried most of the day... friday i was working as usual.... thinking about him alot and what happened wednesday night and what we talked about. but i thought i was ok. i even sent him and email to tell him i hoped he had a great weekend in michigan. doing the "friend" thing that he said we could do. but along rolled saturday... the morning went fine. i had laura and lauren to distract me and then i came home... i miss him and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. i think about him saying that he lost me - i disappeared a long time ago... that he'd gone through the grieving already. i didn't even know. all i knew was that i could call him and he'd put his arms around me and make me feel good again. and now he's not there for that anymore. right now i'd make the rash remark that i'd do almost anything to get him back. but it's not really true probably. and it wouldn't matter anyway...... i've given him so much time to make up his mind. he's moved on. and he says that when i move on i'll find someone even better than him... which made me think that he's found someone better than me... and that makes me cry. and so here i am on a sunday morning. i should be getting ready to go to church but i'm sitting here whining and crying because i don't have him anymore. i've lost him like i've lost so many other things in my life. and the really pissy part of it is that i lost him when i got sick... hmmm... don't i always lose things when i get sick? just some thoughts.... i'm moving on to get ready for church now. i miss you ryan... so so much!
monday, november 18, 2002
just some more thoughts
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
i don't want the people who read this to think i am not ok. i really am. this is my place to let feelings go. and... the last couple of days i've done that... and they have revolved around ryan. but i want you to know that i still function just fine even if i am sad or miss ryan or whatever. i've learned to move on through things and i'm still doing that. but, AGAIN, this is my release place. it's not the entire me. it's usually just random thoughts that come to mind. i feel like i need to get them out so i come here and let go of them.
the truth is, i do miss ryan lots. but i should. it's natural. there is nothing wrong with it unless i start stalking him *grin* . i'm not going to do that. but i am going to try to be a friend like he said he wanted... ok, call me naive, but he did say that and he did sound honest in wanting to remain friends. and eventually i want to be such a great friend that we can talk about how EVERYTHING is going in his life including someone other than me.
i really liked ryan... that's obvious... but it wasn't perfect - far from it and i did learn things... i'm still learning them as i type this. he is an honest to goodness great guy. he's someone that you definitely want to take home to your parents. but i loved his mind alot... and it's that level headedness that i think i'm going to miss the most. my heart will be ok. and like he said, i'll find someone and it'll be even better then.
i did learn things... what i want... what i need... what i really need to learn is how to recognize when i'm not getting the things i need. and i want to communicate better. i want to love more and be loved more... i never want to forget to find the fun in things... and at this very moment i need to remember that my heart will feel better soon. guess that's all i've got for ya today... thanks for listening.....
tuesday, november 19, 2002
a few more thoughts
it was easier today... i was busy from the time i got to school until just now at 9:50pm. but now i'm going to sleep. going to sleep means relaxing and letting my mind wander. it wanders into ryan's arms... at least that's what it's doing right now. i talked to him yesterday and it was an awesome talk. at least i thought it was a good one. is talking to him going to make me delay this greiving process jonathan feels i need to go through? i don't know. i know i'm tired. i had a long day. and, it would feel so wonderful to be in someone's arms as i fall asleep. just a couple thoughts... good night.
wednesday, november 20, 2002
tired of thinking
i sat in jonathan's office monday and we talked about about this and that. we really needed to talk about ryan and i knew that. but i hadn't cried all day so i was thinking maybe i could avoid it. yeah right. so we talked. i told him about a time i remembered ryan and i were having breakfast and something was said about growing old alone. i can't remember what exactly was said or who really brought it up - probably me. so back to jonathan's office... there i sat and said yeah it's done... and i'm alone... i cried lots over the week and weekend... but i told him, as i began to cry again that night, that i thought my life at 36 was a bit pathetic... losing ryan - what i had of him to lose - just made me recognize what my life is about right now. and it's about nothing. then came another story. i told jonathan about a teacher i had in high school... she was a miserable lady and she told that to us quite often in between bouts of tears because we were so "ungrateful". and i told jon that i remembered sitting in her class one day thinking "God do i hope i don't ever end up like this woman". but here i am. 36, single, teaching... old maid material at it's best. it's frightening...
i've told ryan and jonathan both that i'm jealous of ryan. not because he seems to have it more together than most people i know. or because he has a girlfriend but because he is still so young and has lots of years ahead of him. i don't feel like i do. i feel like i wasted my life for 5 years in a marriage that i knew wasn't going to work within the first 6 months. then i moved to chicago and been in and out of jobs and hospitals. i just feel like a drifter. the other day i was so proud of myself because i felt like i knew now things that i didn't know before... that ryan and i "coming to an end" had made me realize that there were things in life that i need and i need to ask for when i don't get them... or look elsewhere for them. i was feeling really that day... and i'm not feeling awful right now. just feel like a drifter... with lots of baggage.
thursday, november 21, 2002
poem from before
i can feel you reaching out
but slamming the door shut
open, closed without a reason
you love the feeling - not the person
or do you really want her too?
i can see that it's all the same
go to sleep, wake up it's gone
hesitation can't stop the desire
wish for things to change this time
boundaries there for protection
how do we know it's different now
stopping to check in with ourselves
go, wait, move forward, retreat
it's a jagged road we chose today
just a need to keep a safe distance
-- july 5, 2001
i wrote this less than a month after ryan an i started going out. i remember i wrote it on the floor of his bedroom at his mom's place while he was taking a shower... it just sorta came to me when i wrote... i just sat down and started writing and this is what came out. and now, it has just sorta come back to me the last couple of days. i think i knew even then that his heart wasn't going to be in it...
sunday, november 24, 2002
it's been a trip
this weekend has been quite a trip. it started with a car accident on friday and it didn't get much better as it went on. i feel like i want to write all about it but i can't. or, maybe i could. i'm just tried of being played with like i'm a little doll and not someone with real feelings. that might say enough. i'm still missing ryan and jonathan would tell me that it's ok. after this weekend though... i just don't know. that's all i've got for now.
monday, november 25, 2002
hanging on for the ride
right now i am feeling pretty good. i'm at school and it's nearing the end of the day. i have two appointments after school and then i'm going home and resting. i'm still so stiff from the freakin car accident i was in on friday. at least i plan to go home. i'll probably hear some music that will remind me of something and then i'll be down and looking for a place to write. does that make sense? i'm not making sense because i'm holding things back. i'm still sad about ryan but "we" had an interesting weekend that really made me think about things. to begin with, i really like ryan. i like the person that he is. but more than anything i miss the touch... i guess this will sound slutty but i miss "the" touch... when i'm given the opportunity to "get" it - i jump without thinking about the ramifications. that's sorta what happened this weekend. in a way, it's a good thing. i learned about myself... i also learned that ryan gets lonely just like me. i'm not sure how that makes me feel. i'm not sure that i should feel anything about it. but i made a HUGE decision on saturday that i am VERY glad i made. i think that maybe both of us (ryan and me) are happy that i made it. we don't need to make mistakes that will get in the way of our friendship. Gah, this isn't making sense. i'm talking in riddles. but i think that's ok. for right now i feel really good about my weekend... hurt and all. i'm off for now. might be more later.
tuesday, november 26, 2002
just another day
Make me a boat
Away I'll float
Into the stillness of a pure blue sky
There's nothing here to hold me now
And I got no more tears to cry
~~ David Gray, Last Boat to America
you come here and i don't know why. what are you looking for? am i going to say something i don't mean? or perhaps, say something i really do mean. i'm not playing games anymore. and i'm not going to be anyone's 2nd choice. i deserve much more than that. i'm happy right now. and like the lyrics say.. i got no more tears to cry. but you can keep coming here because i'm not quite finished talking about this... i'm still teetering back and forth between anger and happiness... but for now. i'm happy