sunday (early),november 2, 2003
flashbacks

i don't have time to explain what this is saying. you know me.... i use lyrics for all sorts of reasons. but right now i'm off to church... more soul searching - in depth. i'll be back later this afternoon or tomorrow to talk about these lyrics... peace, j

Letting Go
sozzi

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind
When you keep coming back again
It's not OK for you to play
This game of see-saw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you

It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

And this is letting go
This is letting go
And this is letting go
This is letting go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night

To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you


sunday,november 9, 2003
standing before you

I stand before you aware of the similarities we share. I know you’re feeling -- outside of my incredible stage fright at this moment -- the same things I feel. Feelings of pride and accomplishment, of closure and regret, and a hopeful outlook for the future. You don’t need me to elaborate on those feelings. Instead I’d like to say something personal. And tell you that there are people in my life who are gone now. People I miss very much. And I am haunted by them in different ways. Whether we’re separated by death, or merely distance, I know they’re still with me. Because I keep them in my heart. The truth is, in time that’s all we’ll be to each other anyway... a population of memories. Some wonderful and endearing. Some less so. But taken together, those memories help make us who we are -- and who we will be. Whether you’re here with each other now... or merely in each other’s thoughts... remember one another on the road ahead. And I hope, no matter where your travels lead you in this life... you take "yourself" with you. -- joey potter, dawson's creek


monday,november 10, 2003
the last few entries
and
this website all together

i'm losing interest. this weekend i had an absolutely perfect opportunity to make a friend and NOT bring up my psych past. but, of course, out it came. it only came up because we were talking about websites and i mentioned i had one and he wanted to know what it was about... and and and.... so he knows all these things about me now. i often wonder about the people "who know". are they my friends because they feel sorry for me. will he be my friend because he feels sorry for me? i so so so don't want to live back there in those days anymore. i'm not sure what living right now is doing for me however. seems as though very few know what i am really going through and more than half of the other people i know "think" they get it and decide that they are going to "rescue" me. sorry. it ain't gonna happen that way. no one can save me. i don't even really need to be saved or rescued. moving somewhere other than chicago is not going to change anything about me. the kindest, gentlest, most giving, loving person isn't going to be able to do a damn thing for me. DON'T YOU SEE THIS? why am i, the victim here, the only one who sees this? you are suppose to be "normal". you should think normally. no. i don't want to be rescued. i don't want to be felt sorry for. i don't want to be in a relationship. i don't want anything from anyone no matter who you are (ok, within reason). so....

why so bitter j?

i'm bitter because i spent a good several weeks trying get these "special" people in my life to hear and understand what i was saying. it didn't work. they didn't listen. they heard me talk and thought slappin a big red S on their chest was the way to fix Jami. NO ONE heard me. HELLO, i got sick because i was in a very bad place that no one could admit that i was in. no one wanted to feel my pain or hear it or whatever... just wanted to slap on the S. no one, of course, doesn't include jonathan or anyone who just got to know me in the last few weeks or david or jess or aaron. but if you've known me......... jesus........ I DON'T WANT TO BE RECUSED. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE MY SAVIOR. i have one of those. and that savior doesn't have anything to do with how much someone thinks they love me. my true savior loves me without a doubt. OKOK i'm stop with the religious stuff.

i have so many people that i need to put behind me. i'm not good a confrontations and frankly i don't want to be bothered with having to try to explain it. i've been trying to tell you and it doesn't work. you shut down and try to morph into superman. i'm going to rescue you... no! you aren't. i am no longer going to beat myself up because i think i can't communicate what is inside of me properly so that someone understands. i've done the talking. i was extremely sick last week and no one understood (except jon) that it was about what was going on inside of me and around me and that it was DAMN awful stuff. and, of course, that i needed... I NEEDED... to take care of it. and that's what i need to do right now.

the song above saws something like "don't call me... don't write... don't show up in the middle of the night." i'm sorry if i'm being a coward. but i am really not! you didn't listen. you had a chance... right now i am stronger than i have ever been and i just don't have the energy to spend trying to explain yet one more time that it's just not the piece of cake that you've been thinkin it is. it's some serious shit... so.... except for a small handful - david teall, jess, aaron... don't call me... don't write. i tried and you didn't get it right... i'm sorry.


tuesday,november 11, 2003
crying mess

so. yeah. you made me cry last night... or not. i guess it was me. i was the crying mess... beating myself up for all the things that i seem to continue to do in my life. you just happened to remind me of it all and how much i still have to work through. i'm looking for the special things inside of me. and, for a few days i thought that perhaps it was you who was showing me those things... things like going places and doing things in a city like i live in. all the places i can go in chicago... I CAN GO. i've been living in a cave - reliving over and over again all the things in my past. i just haven't given the outdoors a look in such a while. it was pretty damn bright and beautiful with you this weekend though. suddenly that light in the future was closer... and, my little moon child friend, the moon was closer - in so many ways.

you'll never read this and that's for the best. i've blown so many things in my life with this website. i just can't leave it behind... whether i'm losing interest in it or not. yeah, i like it knowing that you won't be here to read this. yeah... i cried last night. i was jealous and wishing that i wasn't here in chicago... i was wishing I was the one on the phone with you... i was wishing that you weren't talking to her.... i was wishing that you would just stay away from her. i can't say this stuff to you. God, you'd think i was some possessive ass. i'm not. it's just difficult for me to have an experience like i had last weekend and think that maybe it was all for the wrong reasons. THE ABSOLUTE WRONG REASONS... i care and i like you. but i can't at the same time. where's that poem i wrote for ryan? i need it right now. pushing me away and pulling me close. you words, your gestures, your actions... i'm confused. they had so much to say. i'm just here in confusion. and i just know that it would somehow be better for me if i just forgot about you. but i'll never be able to do that. i'm stuck with memories of you...

say good night not good bye.
you will never leave my heart behind.
life the path of a star i'll be anywhere you are.
in the spark that lies beneath the cold
in the secret inside your soul.
keep my light in your eyes.
say good night not good bye.

don't you fear when you dream
wakin up is never what it seems.
like a jewel buried deep.
like a promise when to keep.
you are everything you want to be
so just let your heart to reach out to me.
i'll be right by your side.
say good night not good bye.
-- jan arden tune... say good night not good bye

fun and no promises... that's what i learned this weekend. FUN AND NO PROMISES! it all keeps life a little easier. it's so hard to know when you are talking to me seriously or not. i realized that last weekend. and, tonight was not the time to talk about it. you were half asleep and i was just being a bit weird. but, um, i don't know that i have a clue when to "talk about it". maybe we just don't need to. i hope we don't... there's so much more i'd say. but the most difficult part of all of this was last night when i cried. i knew it was all the old jami stuff coming right back just as soon as i was "rejected (for lack of a better word)". i'm going to stop here. i'll leave..... for tonight anyway... i'll be fine. that i do know. i will always be fine. lamp shade fine (just for jonathan)... goodnight... j


wednesday,november 12, 2003
not there

i woke up this morning and realized that you weren't there... as i go to sleep tonight i realize that you probably never will be again..... and that's hard to handle........ i'm sorry for crying. i'm sorry for pushing and pulling and twisting things that were never there to twist..... mostly i'm sorry that i won't wake up "underneath your arms" in the morning......

btw, jess, you are the best! i owe you so much.... just have faith. i'll get it all together one of these days and email you an awesome one that will take days to read! for now, read what YOU say to me... it'll be your best medicine. i promise. you are great, girl! you will always be!


tuesday, november 18, 2003
how

i didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me
and now you want to ask me "how?"
it's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe
how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

why did you come here?
you weren't invited.
and you're on the outside - stay on the outside
and now you want to ask me "why?"
it's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?

and there are some things that i'd like to figure out.
there are some things that i can do without -
like you and your letters that go on forever,
and you, and the people that were never friends.

with all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be me.
and now you want to ask me "how?"
it's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?


wednesday, november 26, 2003
for jess

Promise Me This
-- pancho's lament

is that the sound... of knocking at my window
lord i'm trying... trying to let you in
but the mirror... stares me like a stranger
and i'm learning how to begin again

promise me this
you will never understand me
promise me this
you will always always
hold me like you hold me now
hold me like you're holding me now
promise me this

i thought of you when my faith began to wander
it woke me up in the middle of the night
i've so many places i can run to
let's not run away this time

promise me this...

 ok. so this doesn't make any sense because the title of the entry is "for jess". but it really does mean something to me... to us. this song is about someone always being there. about feeling so uncomfortable with myself that i don't want to let anyone in but at the same time i want everyone to help me. so.... jess, i'm guessing, understands this. she's an incredible young lady. she's much younger than i am but such an inspiration to me. she's been emailing me for the last 6-7 months and i'm lucky if i get a "hi" email back. so, this is my way of saying "Jess! you are an amazing friend! You have something very special inside of you that keeps you doing the right thing. I only wish it were that easy for me!" i'm sorry i've been such a bad friend. you know what it's like when you get so frustrated that you can't even figure out what the hell is wrong (if, in fact, something is wrong) and, how to express it. you do a great job of verbalizing everything. thank you so much for sticking with me! jamii