where to begin? the beginning is so far away........... some of you have been with me for a bit now. you know that I fought/have been fighting a bout of depression that was brought on by mis-prescribed medication........ poisoning..........
it started in September and i've been fighting recovery every day since then...... some days i thought i was dying.... some days i wanted to die. But, with support from my family and my friends - webbies included.... and new medications........ and day therapy I thought i'd started to recover - knowing that recovering is a lifetime process.... but, i had begun again.
at the end of October i was finally back to work - not fulltime - but enough that i was feeling like i was getting somewhere..... not back to the point of living the way i had been before i got sick but.... i was sure that i was on my way back............
*************** just a note: prior to september i had actually worked 14 months at the same job. I was positive and upbeat about my future..... and my present condition...... i was ready to look into teaching school again - something i had failed at 3 times because my depression... I really felt like i was on top of MY world finally..... first time in 30 years. **********************
So.... Nov 1...... i was back together typing away... filing files...... inputing data and then *BAM* suddenly the world started slowly revolving backwards into some spiral and i realized i couldn't catch my breath..... i was scheduled to work until 6:00 pm (my first full day). I looked at the clocked and decided that it probably said 4:30 pm at the very latest..... i wanted to cry..... there weren't any tears... i went into tell Mark, my boss, that i had to go.... he wasn't there..... i wanted to cry.... but, there were still no tears........ so i grabbed my bag and my coat and just ran out like a whirlwind saying i had to go... i'd see everyone tomorrow...... no tears...........
in fact, i made it home on the train just fine....... went to bed when i got home....... and felt pretty good. i was definitely on track to head back to the office the next day.
the alarm didn't go off..... actually, it was only 6:00am and it wasn't set to explode until 8:00am. i was up though...... i was writing in my journal. i was ironing clothes i wasn't going to wear. i was playing with Mimsie...... taking a shower..... drying my hair. And the whole time this shit in my stomach just kept getting bigger and bigger.... and it was saying to me......... "No way in Hell will you make it into work today, Jami!" yep, it was coming from my stomach - not me head.... my gut.
for a moment i thought perhaps i had talked myself out of going to work the night before but i couldn't be sure...... and at this point, i was ready.... dressed.... coat on and out the door. i made it all the way to the train station and stopped.
i stopped.
i looked around.
i watched the little kids walk to school.
i felt like i was suddenly spinning in circles...... round and around and around.......... until i was facing my apartment and said fuck it! go home.
i cried all the way home.
i cried all day long...... trying to take ativan to calm me down..... trying to sleep but getting absolutely no where....... laying there begging to sleep or something..... to just stop moving for - my brain - my shaking......... just stop.
the next morning i tried again.... and as luck would have it my parents called..... i had emailed them the night before explaining that i hadn't made it to work and didn't feel well. so they called..... early. i was all ready dressed but..... i was in bad shape.... crying...... God i was crying so hard....... they told me to call my doctor and stay home............ i did both. ....... and i slept and cried some more..........
thursday i was at it...... crying, i mean bawling........ i called my doctor and he suggested that i go back to therapy.... so i did..
End of story?
nnnahhhhh..... this is where the story gets better. i'm just too tired finish........
i know that entries like this are pretty miserable to read........ but i have to remind myself that if i wasn't putting this here it'd be in my paper journal. (Where some of you might rather have it be). I just need to get it out........
thanks for hanging in there - again...............
many, many kisses for you............. jami