"It's been one week since you looked at me!"
-- barenaked ladies, one week

actually, this entry has been one week in the making. i've struggled with putting it here or putting it in my paper journal.... hell, i've just struggled writing it.

i've given so many of my 'friends' this address - i know - journalling rule #1 don't give addy to people you know.... yeeee. well, ya gotta know me.... i do things like this.... anyway, it's been one reason that i've been having problems figuring out where to put it.

this is what i've decided though......... this is an entry that i MUST do. it's critical to what i've been going through since September 1st (see kosmis kisses). it may even be something that i've been dealing with much longer than that........ holding back or changing names and things wouldn't make this entry real to me. i need to look at it and take it in and believe it!

so, here's my apology in advance..... if you're reading this and you know me..... and you find yourself somewhere in here - by name. i'm sorry. i'm not here to embarass anyone (other than myself :o) or pull the plug on someone's secret life. i'm here to continue my life.... which, if you know me, is something that i've been fighting to do since September 1st. thanks for being here..... i hope you stay.

boy, with all this hype, this entry better be damn good!

this is my heart...... my center. i lost it for a while...... actually, for quite a while i lost it. no one took it. although i was quite sure they had. But, it has been missing for a some time now!

So, what's the story behind the picture, j?

Monday i went to class.... had a really great day. Went down town to visit my friends at work... no problem. In fact, the train ride home was even pretty enjoyable. Considering.............. physically i felt like i was dying. i had changed meds (for the millionth time) on Friday before. i couldn't keep anything in my body..... everything just went right threw me (oh, a happy thought). But..... i still went to class..... still went down town...... even rode the frickin' train. i knew i was getting dehydrated.... had the headache... dry mouth..... tummy was feeling like it was sorta on fire. BUT...... i sucked it up and went on about my day!

then i got home.

just like any other day i logged on to my computer..... my baby sitter these days..... he wasn't there. i sorta thought he wouldn't be because he'd emailed me earlier and said he'd be at IBM most of the week again but would email me soon.... then i got a weird icq message and that was it..... i emailed him. i asked him if he knew why he's girlfriend had tried icqing me..... that's when the walls starting crumbling down. after exchanging several emails it was over. he wasn't talking to me anymore.... well, here and there via email but not icq..... no more irc.... AND.... it was because he's gf said no more...... he had to choose.

now, putting aside the fact that, yes, he should have chosen his girlfriend..... lets just realize here that only a week or two before i'd initiated a conversation with him about maybe calling things to a halt. AND, putting aside the fact that he said there isn't any need to do that - we are/were friends and he loves kim very much, lalala. AND, understanding that i know this about him...... and know that we are/were friends........ putting all of that aside........ I CRIED! i cried like hell.

i felt like shit - mentally, spiritually and physically..... i wanted to suddenly just quit. my center was gone....... if i had a heart it was definitely in pieces just like the picture above. i just didn't know how they all fit together or how i was going to get it back together. i know you've read my past entries and you know that i've 'threatened' or more 'talked about' just quitting but, this time, i was pretty sure i didn't want to do this anymore.

the fact was/is Aaron and I had (i thought) one of the greatest friendships i've ever had.... he's been the topic of conversation in this journal more than once..... i've loved him and hated him..... i've cried to him and yeah, i messed with him a few times. Aaron and i played with eachother.... kept eachother company and now...... suddenly that presense in my life had been pulled right out from underneath me. *whoosh* just like that....... i couldn't fathom it.... not feeling as poorly as i had been feeling.... having almost died a month ago... i wasn't sure i could handle not having aaron around...... just to pop in and ask if i wanted to go for a turtle ride..... or just to say, "hey gorgeous, how's your day?".

Sure, i have a lot of friends on the computer that i talk to..... some, i'm even closer to in other ways than i am/was to aaron. But, this connection......... it was such an important one to me..... *sigh* it still is.... and i miss him so much.

SOOOOOOOOO.... what happened? why am i still here?

i disconnected from this place and went over and laid down on my couch..... still crying..... several things were crashing around in my head.........

i could go to the hospital..... get liquids...... stay locked up...... not have to deal with this.

i could just die....... i felt like i was dying anyway..... i wasn't sure holding on ONE MORE DAY was worth it.

i could........ well, i could........... that's when it hit me........ my first response to aaron via email was "Gees, thanks for making such a great day turn into a nightmare.". He had....... up until that point i was fairly in control of my body - even if it was rebelling against me...... i was able to stop by the store pick up the necessary liquids to take care of myself but...... suddenly........ i'd forgotten that..... emotionally, i was giving up............. and then it hit me. WELL...... several tearful phone calls to a friend or two later it hit me......... if i didn't get myself together emotionally, i wasn't going to make through the night physically..... i would just get worse until i couldn't take care of myself and i would have to be admitted.......... i needed to get a grip.

so i did...... i stayed up ALL night... i mean until 5:00am pumping liquids down my throat so that i wouldn't dehydrate....... i tried like hell to keep him off my mind........ remembering that if i gave into the tears i was giving in with my body as well. i finally went to sleep around 5:30am.

i missed class on tuesday but......... all day Tuesday I felt GREAT. i miss him...... i still miss him so much. i'm not going to say that Aaron is the reason i've suddenly found my heart.... all the pieces and how they fit...... (they aren't fitting completely together just yet) it really could have been anyone or almost anything at the time. i was in pieces before he let go of me.......

i learned ALOT that night.... like how one part of me affects the other sooooo greatly. i guess i also learned that i can't push away emotions to try to deal with them later..... i can't ignore feeling physically like shit. i can't stop believing that there is some power out there trying to work it's way into my whole self..... trying to keep my center together........ so i don't break my own heart........

i hate the feelings i went through..... i'm sure i'll hate the feelings that come...... but, i'm trying and that's what matters...................

kisses for you aaron....... and everyone else.......... j

more October Kisses