friday, october 5, 2001
these are Days... to remember
i love October so much. it's absolutely the most beauitful month of the year! i love pumpkins! i will be carving one soon.... if i can talk my bf into it, he will have one also. but... anyway...
my dad was with me earlier this week. we were walking downtown killing some time before the jazz started at Andy's - a family hangout since i was a little kid. i noticed a man across the street wearing shorts, no shirt and a long overcoat. it was a hot day - no need for the coat. i stopped and pointed him out to my father. he quickly wrote the man off as an addict. i was just as quick to say no. he's mentally ill.... for a few reasons but mostly just for the fact that he wouldn't have that overcoat on - if he was an addict he'd just be in the shorts probably - no shirt.
i've been with other people and pointed these sort of individuals out before. usually they have the same reaction as my father. they generally say the same things.... how is it that i notice people like this? they wonder. it's a gift... ha. i've spent a lot of time with people like this. i would guess the ones i point out are actually addicts. i would think they'd have to be in order to live on the streets with the mental part.
i was walking down the block the other day thinking just how lucky i am. i think a couple of years ago that could have been me.... but i had the love and support of a family and a few great therapists/programs. i was close to where that man is today - i wasn't an addict. but i think sometimes that i probably would have ended up being one. i couldn't have coped without some chemical in my blood. the doctors gave me the right stuff - finally. i hope that man on the street gets the right stuff some day.
hmmm.... it's October finally! what a wonderful month. i'll go now. take care - talk soon!
monday, october 8, 2001
nothing
it just occurred to me about 5 minutes ago that i'm depressed again or still or something like that. i'm not sure what the problem is with me lately.... i have great things happening in my world but i'm still sad. it's the depression. i know it. it's just not easy to accept. it just happens... damn it. i'm sad but not sad about anything.... it seems like i want to sleep all the time but i don't really want to sleep. i have all these "symptoms" but i don't want to recognize them. the problem is that i don't have a choice. so i'm facing them... or it... or whatever.
it's holding on even though i'm shaking like crazy to get it off. i thought i faced it a couple of weeks ago... here i am. it's a mild one. at least at the moment it is. hopefully i'm smart enough about all this that it stays mild. the thing that pisses me off so much is that i don't have a lot of control over what happens. i have to keep a positive attitude... if i don't i'll get sucked into it.
of course i could be all wrong. maybe it's nothing at all..... maybe it's alot worse than i think. i'm going to hang on...... talk about it whenever i can... hopefully i'll be ok. take care - talk soon.
tuesday, october 9, 2001
positive words...
or something like that
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
i've used these words before.... just seemed appropriate again. someone emailed lastnight and told me to cheer up. before i might have said that it's just not that easy. but back then it wasn't. now it is.... i think. i'm going to be just fine this time. in fact, this depression feels like it's not really a part of me - at least it's not part of who i've been for quite sometime now. it just feels separate from who i really am. i haven't talked to jonathan about this but i feel like it could be a good thing that it's like this. the pessimistic part of me says it's bad, bad, bad. however, i'm not nearly as pessimistic as i have been in the past. so......... i'm holding onto the 'good thing' idea.
so here i am - ready for a new day...... looking for the better part of me.
take care - talk soon.
wednesday, october 10, 2001
positive words from yesterday
a month or so ago i was talking about feeling like my roommate at the time wasn't trying.... i remember the frustration i had towards her AND the anger i had at myself for even feeling this was about her. now, here i am..... maybe i'm not trying hard enough today... you were right to wonder about that this morning.... i was thinking the same thing.
it's a fear. it's a fucking language that i can't use to communicate with anyone. i have never wanted so much to be able to explain something to someone. there's a disease here that try as i do i can't shake 100% of the time. some days it comes out of nowhere and grabs me before i have a chance to hold onto something.
if i could make it go away i would. anyone i've been around who struggles with this says the same damn thing. 'please... just make it go away.' i wonder when i will accept that it's not going to leave and i just need to learn to live with it - just need to hold on a little bit tighter.
i guess i'm assuming that "it's" happening again. it's not... it's trying again but i'm just not going to let go. so maybe i took a step back this morning. that doesn't mean i can't take 2 or 3 more forward this afternoon, tonight or tomorrow. God this sounds so silly.... alright. i'll hold on. just hope those around me can hang on a bit too..... thanks for listening... take care - talk soon.
thursday, october 11, 2001
i can see clearly now
the rain is gone...
saw jonathan, called doctors, took meds and listened to my bf - even though he probably feels like i didn't. oh, and i snuggled with mimsie as much as possible... but seriously, the fear is gone today. yesterday or two days ago i was near positive that i was falling again and i wouldn't get back up - i'd lose everything again. but it was different this time. there was also a part of me that knew if i could just hang tight i'd make it. and i did. and here i am.
a couple days after the WTC disaster a boy on the train handed me a button with a picture of the fireman putting up the flag at ground zero. days went by and i was sad... very sad like most of you. now we are bombing. we are cleaning up. taking final death counts.... etc. 30 days ago life was changed forever... or was it? i don't wear the button anymore. the articles in the newspaper focus on our attack - not the families of those we lost...... maybe they want their privacy. i guess i would. but i don't wear the button anymore and today it's bothering me.
alot has been going on lately both personally and globally. i don't know that i feel any stronger than i did a month ago. however, in a strange way i do feel like i'm strong enough to go forward... seems like that's what we are all trying to do. take care - talk soon.
saturday, october 13, 2001
....
you open your eyes, look around
you feel the earth it wanders -
out, from under your feet - the ground
is not firm but soft & weak -
a few minutes ago i was sitting in my living room... it's not huge but compared to what i'm accustom to it's big. i walk around the corner to my bedroom... 2 years ago my living room was my bedroom and i was curled up in a ball in the corner.
and now the angry morning
gives the early signs of warning
you must face alone the plans you make
decisions they will try to break
it's tough to realize just how far i've come from a place that i thought i was doomed to remain in forever. but here i am... i think i have come back from the void. now and then i slip and fall but i'm able to get back up this time... that hasn't always been the case.
your soul - it aches relentless from the fear
that they will never guess - so unfair that
they can make you feel so small
& the fear you know is real
i try to explain. maybe i should just stop and let it all happen. relax a bit and accept what my life has to offer. yeah, i think that's the answer. though at times the fear is so physical i know that the end will come to it and i'll be alright. just don't know a way to let it happen and live a normal life at the same time. but i'm trying.... i'll keep on trying... take care - talk soon.
tuesday, october 16, 2001
lost
i wanted a change knowing all i could do was try.. i was looking for someone.
i was standing in line at Einstein Bagels. a man walked up and stood in front of me. i found myself apologizing to him because i was going before him.... duh, he got in front of me. as it turns out my apology sorta sounded like "oh, i'm sorry." and he said he didn't know what i was sorry for in a crappy, stern voice. and i said "i don't know why i'm sorry either". so, he tells me that maybe i should go to confession with my apologies. my first reaction to this as i sit here writing is "my God. what a freak." but i have to slow down. maybe he does have problems.... anger issues or something. he must have some. but i think i deserve to be a bit pissed off anyway. what an ass! so i'm going to be cranky about it for awhile. ... ... ... ok. i'm done being cranky. *shrug* just thought it was odd what he said to me. i told him i couldn't go to confession because i'm not catholic and he acted like that was my whole problem.... hrmm. i think i should laugh about it.
how are you?
take care - talk soon
friday, october 19, 2001
still lost
broken wing
(i wrote this almost a year ago to the day...)
drowning in a circle of tears
she sees the bird with the broken wing
it's out of her control
she still feels the fear
the crying out for attention
she moves closer only to find it's disappeared
where has it gone?
where does she go now?
slowly life moves closer to her
she wonders when she can feel
when will it be safe again?
pushing away the obvious hunger
none of this makes sense
not the tears, the blood or the pain
it's all she knows though
no one for her to fight against
don't run to the medicine cabinet
the enemy is not hiding there
the broken wing will mend
it will soon fly away and she will forget
---- october 22, 2000
at times, after i see jonathan, i feel like i'm not real. i feel like the life we talk about - my life - isn't really mine. but it is. tonight i'm going over to my bf's house.... he makes me feel real. just over a year ago i would have run to the medicine cabinet to find something to use to make me feel real... the pain... no, it was the blood. but i don't need any of that anymore. i have other ways of making myself feel real... take care - talk soon.
friday, october 26, 2001
more "lostness"
yesterday someone walked into
her life and stripped her of her soul.
he took all that she believed in.
now empty he has left her alone.
she reaches for anything that might
make her feel real again.
shoving in false truths and objects
that don't fit - can't fill the holes.
soon anger and sadness get tied together
in knots at the pit of her stomach.
she can't seem to distinguish between
the two - certainly too tired to care.
today someone walks into her life
and reaches for her soul......
november 6, 2000
i come here often and just stare at the editor... doing nothing lately.... worried that the person who comes here isn't the one people think they know. what if i say something that scares you all away? what was once an escape for me has now turned against me.
the poem above was written (by me) about year ago. i found it while i was looking around in "My Documents". for years now i've been talking about a man in a black top hat... talking to jonathan about it... the poem was written about someone specifically at the time. but, it's changed it's meaning to me today. i think it's about the man in the black top hat.
he's there all the time. somedays i have no need to recoginze his presence - other days i can't ignore him. he's there smiling this evil smile holding something in his hand. i've never gotten close enough to him to see what it is that he holds. part of me is afraid to get too close - maybe he'll hurt me - maybe not. the other part of me is afraid to get too close for fear he'd vanish and i'd never find out why he's haunted me all these years.
it's interesting that i use the term "real" in this poem. my last entry was about finding things that make me feel real... it seems i was looking for them last year too.... probably looking for "it" for years now. and for years there he's been - the man in the black top hat. he hasn't always been a man. when i was very young "he" was acutally a gypsy woman in a black shaw - the same shaw that rested on the arm chair in our living room where i grew up. she would come to me sometimes at night and stand next to my bed. i can't remember much more than that about her.... it feels like i know more - i just can't get a hold of it.
whether it's him or her it doesn't really matter. i don't know. i suppose i could ignore him for good.... i don't need him i guess. i don't know that i've ever needed him - or her. through the years i've grown to expect him to be there. maybe he's been the only one i could count on all these years. maybe not. maybe i'm just freaking crazy and that's that.
it feels good to talk about some of this stuff. this is my place - my home. this is who i am even if i don't seem to be this way in person. it's all very "real" to me and i need real. i'm looking forward to the weekend. i have school work i can do and time to spend with my bf. and mimsie of course. so... thanks for being here. take care - talk soon.
monday, october 29, 2001
From "Age is Better"
I have been young,
A fresh faced sprout,
With agile legs, a muscled arm and smile
To charm the world I went through
In a rush to get a little older, sooner.
Catching my reflection while passing past
A looking glass, not long ago
I discovered I was older, even old. There was
No sudden melancholy or regret, and yet
Some sadness in the wonder that it happened
While I wasn't watching...
-- Rod McKuen