wednesday, october 1, 2003
what?

yes i know... it's october and i am still using august's page.... oh well. it's my party i get to do what i want!

NOTE::: yes, i finally changed all this over....... 10/8/03


thursday, october 2, 2003
where's my imaginary friend

Imaginary Friend
Chantal Kreviazuk
Under These Rocks and Stones

it scares me to speak my mind
it might sound self-absorbed
i don't say half of what i think.
i wonder what i'm thinkin' for

i'm smelling dead flowers
and listening to the walls again
i'm drinking from a leaky faucet
and writing this with a dried up pen
wish i still had my imaginary friend

and who needs to listen, well..
what do i have to sell
everyone's just waitin for their own turn
kind of like show and tell

someone to listen
someone to laugh
someone to cry at the right times

and i would call him up
but i don't remember his name



tuesday, october 7, 2003
always with me

To Where You Are
-- Josh Groban
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are



thursday, october 9, 2003
fitting in

there's a whole crew of teachers where i teach that hang out. they are at least 10 years younger than me.... they all hang out. i'd be lying if i said i don't want to hang with 'em. i mean for so long i've done nothing but tell jonathan how normal i want to be. i guess i just realized how distorted my "normal" has been all these years. i don't want to hang with them. as "normal" as i see them. but i don't want to be alone either.... i mean, friend-wise. shit, maybe i don't know what i mean. all i know is that i've been really sad about something for a while now. a few days ago lauren helped me clean up my apartment - ya know, putting things away because i moved in and sorta just left things where they were. i came across a frame that i made in pottery class. there's a pic of a turtle on it.... a stamp sorta thing. then i painted the words "turtle rides" on it....... it's been in a box for a year probably. she handed it too me - pictureless - and said what are you going to do with this one............ it didn't take me but a second to go over to my bulletin board, take down his pic and put it in.... my turtle.... i miss him and i think that's what's been making me sad lately. jonathan is convinced that it's just my physical state that i'm in.... not healthy so i'm tired all the time and maybe, just maybe it's starting to wear me down. but i think if he knew how much i missed aaron he'd not think that so much. he'd understand. i just think that it's sorta stupid to think of someone from so far away and missing him so much even though i never met the guy. it feels stupid. the more the days go by knowing that i'm never going to talk to him again the more stupid i feel about it. but there he is.... in a frame on my table..... smiling at me..... just like i think he'd smile at me in real life.... nothing more. just a smile and a friend.....


i hate disclaimers. however, too many people i know read this and they are going to get bent outta shape..... 1. i write what comes to me when i get here. 2. this entry doesn't have anything at all to do with the people in my life right now and how i enteract with each of them........ just so you know...


saturday, october 10, 2003
"and in this cruel and lonely world
josh groban

i just ran across the imaginary friend song while i as downloading some tunes. but it makes so much sense to me. someone questioned me the other day when i said i met my bestfriend online.... and, it was in a chat room and, he lives in New Zealand quite happily with his girlfriend... people don't get it. i guess i should just call him my imaginary friend. i can't remember ever having an imaginary friend when i was little. i suppose i had one... all i can remember is lying in bed crying alot wishing someone would hear me... listen to me... i don't know, maybe i had one and just grew out of it. growing up and out of things is how life works - right? so i'm growing up and out of my imaginary friend now too.

some days it tears me apart. yesterday school was especially difficult. i realized when it got dark that it was definitely the full moon. however, that dosn't make the day any easier even if i'd known about the moon. (school kids are nuts when there is a full moon - a well known fact among seasoned teachers and administrators). so, yeah, yesterday was tough. i was looking forward to just coming home and taking a nap and laying around in my sweats. i would have ended up sitting here instead with hopes that just maybe i'd see his name light up. i used to do that with ryan... i'd wait for the phone to ring - after we'd broken up.

to make a long, boring story short, eleanor (a new VERY good friend) drug me over to a friday after school party. it was fun. lots of people that i liked. others that i don't at all. i guess it beats coming home and mooping (spell?) around for some unkown reason. ... or because i wouldn't have seen that name light up... i would have missed the cubs game... i would have gone to bed around 7:00. just laying there sad... ok, to be fair it's not all my imaginary friend... *shrug*

i looked up lastnight and actually saw some stars... "distant stars" like Josh Groban uses in the other song in the other lyric entry. i'm a fool. i know i am. he's not thinking word one about me. that's the way he was. he'd just shut it off and walk away from the computer. but for some reason i have to believe that he does remember me. the song also talks about a "Love". it wasn't the love that everyone thinks about. it's just the friendly kind of caring love. i wish he was just a breath away... as hard as i wished upon that star last night he's not coming back here... he's gone for good.

so what's the point of whining and crying about it? i don't know, i guess sometimes we need to whine and cry. i had a shitty shitty week at school with kids and the teacher i share my program with. i'm tired and sick all the time. *shrug* maybe "he's" just a distraction however sad that distraction makes me feel. maybe he was my imaginary friend all this time for the last 4-5 years. why it took me this long to figure that out i am clueless.

so life changes and we all know that. even when i was totally screwed up mentally people reminded me constantly that my "state" would change. change is inevitable (spell?) it did come. as impatient as i am. it came... it's here and it's still going... that change. i just wish it didn't have to include aaron, my turtle friend. i've lived in 6 different places since i started talking to him late in 98 - early 99 (i can't remember). change, jami, change. *shrug*

"You're Still You"
-- Josh Groban (yes, again)
(just partial lyrics)

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

i don't think that last stanza says it quite the way i would. but the other one is pretty much on the money. i did look up to him. he was always telling me that i didn't really know him and if i did i wouldn't like him. funny, all his friends would tell me how awesome he is in real life. i believed in him - advice just rolled off is tongue and it made so much sense... and NOT once did he ever ask for anything from me. so i'll just remember him and all that I went through successfully because of him... i do feel that this is a cruel and lonely world. everyday chicago just proves it even more to me... or at least that what i say and then the next thing i know i'm at a party with teachers and i'm actually having cool conversations with them... some of them. but still... ah, you know the "but still". i'm sure you are tired of it.

this entry wasn't suppose to be about aaron. and, in a sense, if you can read between the lines, it's not. it's about being alone. not the kind of alone i want sometimes. the overall lonliness that i have to believe all God's children feel sometime or another.


thursday, october 16, 2003
"and in this cruel and lonely world
josh groban

again i decided to re-use a journal entry title. in this cruel and lonely world. i'm thinking that i might even use it as the title to the book i'm writing... but anyway.

it would be a sin for me (or nearly one) if i didn't write an entry about Chicago's beloved Cubs. yes, we all (and i mean ALL) know that they lost the series lastnight and won't be going on to face the Red Sox or the Yankees this weekend for the biggy... the World Series.

i've been a ball fan since my gramma Eloise bought me my red, white and blue (right handed) mitt, my green bat and my softball. i've been a ball fan since my granpa Young took me across the street to the drive-way and taught me how to through. none of us at the time had a clue that i should have had a left-handed glove and should have been throwing with my left arm.... but it didn't matter. i adjusted just fine. very fine actually... i don't know how old i was when all that happened. but i do know that i was 8 years old when my neighbor's dad asked my parents if he could take me to baseball tryouts in town. not a problem... they said yes and greated a monster!

i went on to playing major leagues with the boys and their baseball teams until they finally decided that i should be playing softball instead of baseball. many of the parents joked with my parents that the boys didn't want me to play with them anymore because i was better than them and it embarassed the heck out of them. of course my father had to brag about that all over the place. and just so they were sure that i would play softball (there weren't any rules saying i had to play it) they made my father the league president. now how good would it look if my dad was the softball president (softball for the girls) and his own daughter wouldn't even play it.... *sigh*

my, my, my i could go on forever... but... back to the Cubs. yes, they lost. and here i am, a life long ball fan saying "hey, that how the ball bounces." it would have been nice. i can't argue that.

wednesday, october 29, 2003
you might br listenin but ya sure aren't hearin me...

i started the month out with this tune (the one below).... it's been a very tough month for me. it looks like i'll be ending the month with the same tune - thinking the same things. it just feels like there isn't anyone out there who hears me. they listen maybe but aside from God and jonathan no one actually hears me. do i have to dance? what do i have to do to get you to hear me?

in the past i would come here and i know that, without even saying anything - emailing me with a response to what i was saying... i knew "he" had been here and he listened and he heard me. when we did talk it was so evident that he did. i dug up some old emails i saved from him... he always liked to tell me to "just relax babe". "settle down, things will be ok." that was enough. that was all i needed from him because i knew wasn't just listening... he was hearing me. i miss him so much. i know that no one will ever understand how it's possible to miss him and that's ok. i just need him right now. i want him. i don't want to start all over again with someone else. it's eating up all my energy trying to just get someone to hear me... God, I need him right now... sorta it looks like i've been left with just you God. Do you hear me God? *feeling unsure* i just don't feel it. am i suppose to feel something? i believe in you. yes, of course moer than i ever believed in aaron. i just can't feel your love like i did his....

and here's the other deal... i'm tired of trying to make everyone happy. i don't have the time or the energy for it. i'm tired of trying to do my job and feel so exhausted at the end of the day so much that i can't even function. i'm tired of people not understanding that. most of the other teachers can see it i suppose. they are as tired as me... i just don't know. i'm so damn tired of being misunderstood all the time. i say things to someone and it's like i'm talking in a different language. it's 7:00 in the morning and i'm leaving for work. here i go... i'm walking back out into the world that i can't seem to communicate with... i guess it's just God and me from here on out.

by the way... perhaps you should download this song and listen to the words as she's singing them. hear her heart singing out. her pain. her confusion. i think that's why i relate to it so much. i can't seem to describe what's wrong with me or how i feel... maybe her words can do it for me...

peace, jami

Imaginary Friend
Chantal Kreviazuk

it scares me to speak my mind
it might sound self-absorbed
i don't say half of what i think.
i wonder what i'm thinkin' for

i'm smelling dead flowers
and listening to the walls again
i'm drinking from a leaky faucet
and writing this with a dried up pen
wish i still had my imaginary friend

and who needs to listen, well..
what do i have to sell
everyone's just waitin for their own turn
kind of like show and tell

someone to listen
someone to laugh
someone to cry at the right times

i would call him up
but i don't remember his name