wednesday, october 6, 2004
quietness

it's quiet here, right here at
this very place, this very moment.
a quiet that i can only
describe as a cleansing quietness.
i took myself out of all the chaos
for just this very moment.
if i should never have another
quiet moment like this - ever again
i feel strongly that this moment
will last forever as a reminder of
who i really am and
where i really belong.
-- me, october 4th, 2004
after class at IUSB


monday, october 25, 2004
curiosity

Curiosity, Kitten,
Doesn't have to mean you're on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
-- Murder of One, counting crows,
august and everything after

ok, so i never really know what i'm supposed to put in italics and what not to put in them.

so much has been happening to me this month. first, i'm sad to say that October is nearly over and i've yet to really take in all the color. it's funny how you take advantage of the beautiful yellows and reds and browns. when you move away to place surrounded in concrete, spit and piss it hits you! you do not belong there! i'm sad it's nearly over. i always have such grand ideas about October and Fall. but i haven't done anything with them in i don't know how long. probably since i was married. however, i wasn't allowed to do much then. i raked the leaves... believe me, when that's all you can do you do it and enjoy it the best you can. normally i like to rake. it's different when you are told you have to do it..... and, when you don't get help from your spouse. ah, just another reason that getting divorced was the smartest decision i ever made!

but, yes. that brings me to the big surprise. i think i've mentioned that i need to seek some kind of "forgivness" from the Catholic Church for getting divorced. As if getting the shit kicked out of me on a fairly regular basis isn't enough... they need documents. so, i started to track my ex and his ex (from before me) down. my ex never returned a call... he was probably busy trying to cover his ass because he beat up a teacher at the school where he teaches. yes, that is after he "abused" a kid on his swimmers. i want to know about this school system. because if he can get away with all of that and still have a job....... man, it's the place to be!!!! you could do anything!

ah, but i digress. i found the ex-wife. after my divorce, she and i spoke simply to get info i might have needed for one thing or another. but, i left her and her boys (my ex-stepsons) alone. i figured there was enough confusion as it was....... they didn't need me, the crazy step-mother, in their life too. i did find her, like i said. she was very nice. come to find out she lives just two blocks away from jeff (jeff 2) and i. she gave me the info i needed for the Catholic Church and we chatted a bit about the boys. next thing i new, a few days later on a saturday afternoon, the doorbell rang. i opened it and their they stood. smiling a mile a minute. Jared too! we weren't very close because he was really just so young. i never really thought he liked me. of course, just because he came to see me doesn't necessarily mean he liked me. i COULD NOT believe it. there they stood, 10 years older than when i left them. of course i let them in. it was interesting because my parents were visiting at the same time. so the boys got to see them too. it was weird. a crazy, ok, sorta weird. i just couldn't believe they were sitting there in my living room. i was completely overwhelmed. Jeff (my fiance, not their dad) was there too. he was so ok with it all. he made the boys something to drink. we all talked... jeff just hung around and smiled now and then. even after the boys left i asked jeff if it bothered him and he said "not at all. it's clear to me that those boys meant something to you and you meant something to them. why would i be upset about that?" YES! HE IS AWESOME! i'm so glad i'm marrying him!!! whenever it is we decide to do it.

so anyway...... we talked. Brad (the oldest and closest to me) has a daughter. he's 21. she's 9 months. He doesn't look at all like the Brad I said goodbye too. he asked so many times if he could just live with me after the divorce because he didn't want to live with either of his parents. it's obvious after chatting with him for a bit that their relationship never developed past where it was when i left. Jared is 17! he's a junior! he looks a lot like his father, but that's not so bad. his father was pretty decent to look at. Jared talked about playing football and baseball and we kidded him about his tee-ball years.... he just laughed. the whole 45 minutes of their stay was just amazing. i really don't know what else to say about it. there they were. why? i wasn't asking. everyone around me says it's because i really did mean something to them. sometimes i just think they were curious like me to see how i'd changed.

brad came by the other night with his daughter. they didn't come in - she was asleep and neither of us wanted to wake her. she's cute... very tiny... *shaking my head* it's all so surreal!

i don't know how to really end this entry. i started it with some lyrics from a counting crows tune. it reminds me of what it was like when i was married... i think about it in a different way now that the boys have come by. actually, i think it's been good for me.... i thought it wouldn't be. i'm not sure where to go with it.... Brad goes into the Army soon. Jared is busy.... i don't even know what having a "relationship" with them now would look like... how it would be.... what it would be based on... perhaps it was all about just being a bit curious....

Curiosity, Kitten,
Doesn't have to mean you're on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
-- Murder of One, counting crows,
august and everything after

..... he doesn't have to know...........