Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah
-- Pink, don't let me get me


october

saturday, october 1, 2005
i'm my worst enemy

perhaps i'm too harsh on myself. i had to go back to the hospital again.... it was the worst experience. if i could sue the hospital - if i even had a inkling that i would be successful, i'd sue their asses! they screwed up my meds. now, i realize you are out there saying...yeah, yeah, a psych patient bitchin' and complainin' about how she was treated in a psych hospital, but i'm serious here! i am nearly 40 and i'v been doing this for a great many years - this being, of course, dealing with a mental illness. i know what my body can take. i know when i need meds, i do not self-medicate, i don't stop taking my meds..... about the only thing a psychiatrist could bitch about me is that i eat WRONG and i don't excersize (and i can't spell exercise). but i know myself! i knew that this drug was causing my panic attacks... or, panic attack that lasted 2 days.... night included. i have NEVER had that experience. i knew what was causing it. i refused to take the med but it still was a problem. when they finally decided to take me off of it - a good week into the hospital stay - they informed me it could take a few weeks to really get out of my system and i'd be experiencing a few side-affects from it. which meant that i was going to continue dealing with the "heebie-geebies" as they say, for a few more weeks - at home of course.

and i have

and so here i am.... i had intended to make this entry a letter to jeff, who deserves so much from me.... so much that i really don't know if i can ever give him. it's the sickness, ya know. i take responsibility for my actions, but i just feel as though one day he may just say....... "this is enough, jami". hard to conceive..... but not hard enough. the letter will have to wait. i am so out of shape that my right arm hurts from typing........ so i have to go!

of course, more later! jw

saturday, october 2, 2005
memory loss and stuff i can't remember...

hmmm.... i'm down. i know i'm down because when i get like this i get very creative. i'm not so sure i can write it all down - type it, whatever. yesterday i started reading "The Language of Letting Go". it's a daily affirmation type book by melody beattie - i think she is considered one of the best in treaing co-dependency. i hate daily affirmations - at least lately. one of my other hospitalizations i was hooked up with a "one day at a time" book for AA (alcoholic anonymous) recovery. i got it because the hospital i was in treated recovery and depression together. i remember i would get up every morning and read and write and write........ it was very good for me. since i hated to get up early so much, recently i hated to do affirmations. i guess i may have even felt like i didn't need them anymore.

this visit from "the demons", as my father calls it, is demanding more out of me. ...more of what i don't have... and there it was, sitting on the floor of mimsie's room, "the language of letting go". so many times i've passed it up in the bookstore thinking it was about letting go of relationships. what was wrong with me? that's co-dependency.... that's me. the relationships are unnecessary to categorize, they are simply a symbol of needing to let go of co-dependent strings.... little did i know i was in such grave need of facing the problem..

yesterday was a decent day. i woke up at 3:30am with the pup. i couldn't get back to sleep so i picked it up and read it - the book. and i actually "made" myself respond in a notebook. it's a new one. i'm using it strictly for this book...

here's a quote from the journal, something i wrote yesterday morning about the same time, 3:30 - 4:00 am...

"i hate these affirmation things. they are so chessy and yet so real and necessary. Ugh! i truely do need to find my strength again. since i fell back into the hospital again last july i just can't seem to find it (the strength). i reach inside for it and all i get are flutterings and flickerings of anxiety. i will say that the meds helped yesterday - last night when i finally went to sleep. that's a good thing, my legs weren't feelin' creepy-crawly like they had been since the last time (a week or so ago) that i was in the hospital. so it would seem that i really need to get my strength back! i need to lose the panic!"

this had been an excessivly difficult recovery.. i'm not bouncing back up and i'll be honest, i'm scared to death that this time may be that time that i won't. every time i think that, people tell me it's silly. but that's how i know i'm really sick. i also know because jonathan has had a lot of contact with me lately. i love and hate new meds. this time i've found that my memory is shot. i can't remember for shit. i talked to jonathan thursday night and i know i was very very down. he asked that i call him on friday after my doctors appointment. and here's the thing. i asked him to tell jeff that i needed to call him because i knew i'd forget..... i knew it. he and jeff sorta thought i was just being silly, i think. but guess what, i forgot! and he called yesterday wondering where i was - was i back in the hospital? he's been upset with me lately because i haven't followed through for him like i need too. i really don't mean to forget.... it's just been so hard to remember things this time. i can't remember (ha) ever having this problem in the past.

where am i? am i truely a danger to myself, like my intro lyrics would suggest? i just don't know right now...... will a memory loss and no sleep.. will it make me less of a teacher? i don't really think it needs to. if i write everything down.... oh how i hate to make lists..... will i handle this problem better? i really want to get better and really am scared that i won't. i'm playing all those "getting better no matter what" tapes in my head, but they fight for airtime in my brain with all the negative demon-speak. i just hope people believe i am really trying and i'm really afraid.

take a look at this pic......

now do i not look happy in this picture? they say "the wedding" may have been just too much..... i'm thinkin that if i looked this happy, how could it have been so hard on me? i guess the picture is just one single moment in time. i've never been one to really analyze the "big picture". perhaps, again, that's what i'm missing. i have very happy moments.... short, sometimes and sweet and this may have been one of the happier.... oh, i wish i knew... something...

well....... long entry....... long time since i've had one. perhaps tomorrow will be even longer. take care - jw.

so.... it's still the second of october. yes, i'm back again. the previous part of this entry was written around 4:00am... it's 5:43pm right now.

i drove down to my parent's place this afternoon. we had a nice chat. went out on the boat, Dad fished and Mom and i talked about how awful jill, my sister-in-law, is feeling. but that's a whole different book. we ended up back in the house and like usual, Dad had a question for me with his computer - I love to help him with that... i think it might be the only thing i CAN ever help my dad with. he's and incredible man.... and my mom.... well, let's just say that when God was handing out good people i got the two at the very very top. we chatted a bit more. they are leaving for Florida soon and unless i go visit them i won't seem them until april or may sometime. they were giving me a few last minute things i might want to take home with me.. and i did!

something troubled me a bit, however. tonight was the first time my Dad didn't walk out to my car with me, didn't stand in the street and wave as i drove down away.... it struck me as i was walking out to my car. "where's Dad? why isn't he here with me.... he always walks us to the car." my Grandpa did it... he's suppose to do it. one of the last memories i have of my Grandpa is of me in the back of the car driving home from hornersville, missouri and looking out the window.... Grandpa was right there, seemed like he was standing in the middle of the street and he was 10 feet tall..... waving and smiling like he'd just had the best time in his life. he always did that.... at least that's what i remember. ... just as i was pulling out of the parking lot wondering why dad hadn't walked me out, i looked up and there were both of them (mom and dad) in the porch waving like crazy... and i had to cry.... which i've been doing a whole lot lately...... i'm sorry, but it was like grandpa grabbed the two of them and said..... "get out there and wave to the child!"

i've been having a lot of these little "notions" lately that someone is definitley looking out for me. not necessarily guiding me away from things, but making sure that where ever i am and whatever i'm doing i know that someone is watching, and someone is in charge of all of this. someone much greater than i. good-nite.

wednesday, october 12, 2005
who will be the first to cry

this is stupid but i always get so inspired after i see an episode of dawson's creek. i've said it before but i sorta wish i'd done things like the joey chick on the show. looking like her wouldn't have been so bad either.

i've held off writing too much about jeff or to jeff because he doesn't read this. he's the first guy i've been with who doesn't care what is in here. what's the point of put an entry in here for him if he's never going to read it. of course, it's never been about who reads this, right? it's always been about me just doing this for myself.... i don't know when i decided that but i think i was full of shit. when aaron read it or blair... ryan even, hell, anyone.... when i'd get the random email from someone i didn't know saying that they we so happy that someone else felt like they did... or someone asked for help because they read and thought i could do something magical to "save" them from themselves... it was all about that. then i realized that or just got spoiled that people were reading and suddenly it was all about me. that's bullshit. it was about making contact with someone. it has always been about that... it will always be about that.

i know that i'm not making contact anymore. i've known for quite sometime. i can't really blame anyone. enough is enough about depression or guys that i've "fallen" for and treat me like shit. it's all the same as the next girl's and who really gives a shit. so, yeah, i went from being full of energy to being down, depressed and feeling like i'm worthless. i just talked to jonathan on monday and told him i felt great. two days later i'm feeling like shit. i'm sleeping more.... eating more... and just plain miserable... miserble to jeff and miserable in general. i feel like i can't do anything right. all i do is cause more trouble for jeff. and i'm now offically 6 days late. i always get scared, but usually it's well before i'm even do to get the little friend from the land of red (sorry, i just hate trying to talk about my period). now i'm a day away from being a week late and i have to admit i'm a tadbit worried. ah, but jeff isn't and so i should relax. enough of that........

ugh... i'm lost. i'm freakin lost. i can't find my school keys. i have so much work to do and just don't do it. i am being observed soon and that sucks. and, i am so fat now i can't fit into clothes that i have.

damn, stop the bitching!


back to joey. back to dawson's creek. back to the inspiration, as stupid as it is.

jeff always says that he envies my past life in ways. mostly the part about being such a party girl. the part about how i'd go into a bar with my friend and we'd have a contest to see who could pick out a guy in the first 15 minutes and really end up going home with him. i can't remember now if it was an unspoken game or if we really planned it. he envies this. and i envy stupid little joey potter's life on a tv show. God what a messed up world i surround myself in.

what i want in my life is just too late to go back and change. i'll never see the day when i'm in control of everything..... or at least not so damn out of control. be it the mental illness or just being so insecure, i have always been out of control and still feel like i am. none-the-less it turned out pretty damn good. i have a man in my life who treats me like i've always wanted to be treated. he feels for me like i've always wanted a guy to feel for me. and, i am so in love with him that somedays it just plain hurts.

i was surviving back then in college and i am surviving here and now. i think i used up all my strength being married the first time. all the things i had to do to avoid getting hurt - physically or emotionally. the cooking, the laundry, the yard work... taking care of the kids (step-sons)... i did it all and i will have to admit that i was damn good at it. but something broke finally during that marriage and it's yet to be fixed right. i hate myself for that relationship and nearly all that follows, until now. and now, when i need all that strength i have to rely on jeff to give it too me. and when he doesn't - i lose it and generally make a lot out of something that could be fixed quite easily.... i am my worst enemy...

Who would be the last to know? Who would have the last to say? Who would leave this all behind? Should I linger make me stay -- breech lyrics from dawson's creek

God there is just so much going around in circles in my head. jeff... jonathan... being tired... being late... feeling insecure with myself... feeling scared of what i don't know... feeling angry about what i did. i don't know when it will all stop. it just swirls and swirls.... i've tried, i can't grab ahold of it and make it end. perhaps i just need to keep trying. but, oh, the panic. oh, the frustration and feeling as if i lost something really important to me. yeah, i still think about aaron. i'll get over all of that. he was just a computer talking to me... saying all the right things. just like that the computer when down and it never came back up. and it's not that i miss him. it's that i don't understand how people can just walk away and never look back. i suppose it's a good trait. reading back over this entry it seems like it would be an important one for me to grasp hold of. just walk away...... "should i linger... should i stay".... not quit the little lyrics i put above. but they made me think and that was the thought i got from them. should i linger... should i stay......... i know the answer to that. i've always known the answer to that.

perhaps is someone could tell me what makes me tick i could fix myself. but try as i may, no one has been able to do that. i suppose this is enough. i feel like i just sorta vomitted and thus, the entry. i need to go. today is my last half day of work before i start back to full days. i'll jump in the shower and wash what i can away. thanks for listening - whoever you may be.

friday, october 14, 2005
i will be the first to cry

i will be the first to cry..... i'm feeling the blues again. it doesn't ever really go away. i've just gotten real good at distracting myself. funny, i thought they were teaching me to distract myself because eventually "it" would subside and i'd be ok one day. i think i've just come to the conclusion that it doesn't get better and i have to just keep distracting myself with stuff.

right now it's 7:20pm, pitch black and jeff is working. he won't be home until 10:00.... i'm here with my two dogs (one is a handful of a puppy) and my beautiful and talented cat, Mimsie. and i feel like crying. i don't know why. i just watched the ER (taped via DVR) and realized that there wasn't anything else taped. and, i don't like watching shows anymore unless they are taped.... hate the commercials. so i looked around and thought.... well, i use to just sit at my computer all night and chat away and write. so here i am.

here i am


i talked to jonathan. i talked to lauren. i talked to my parents. there aren't many more options out there for me.

suddenly, well not so suddenly, but i really don't like being home alone at night. i remember growing up and being so afraid of being home alone. ya know, since my last hospitalization (psych hospital obviously) i seem to be reverting a bit. one day it seems like i'm getting better and then the next i'm home a lone at night and i just frankly don't like it at all. it's too early to go to bed right now. i don't really like playing on the computer much anymore. i guess the pizzaz is gone.

i also think that there was never any pizzaz in this entry. i don't know what the hell is wrong. but i do know that i'm slowly tiring of "distracting" and i'm a bit worried about what happens when i don't wish to do it any longer....



So we treat our love like a firefly

like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar with holes in the top
and run like hell to show it off
Oh the promises we made when we were walking
that’s just me and ....... talking
 -- miranda lambert me and charlie talkin



december

friday, december 2, 2005
not me anymore

jonathan made a comment lastnight on the phone that i was the "computer geek" and needed to email him. boy, that's not me anymore.

there were days when i'd write multiple entries here. days when from the time i woke up until i went to bed i'd be on this monster. ...in cybercafe or christchurch - Mirc... not me anymore.

for the life of me all i can remember is all the great times i had online. when really, i was depressed and pathetic. i couldn't walk out my front door but i could open up a window and say hello to perfect strangers. wouldn't go to work.... stayed online.

the other day i was walking into a store to do some xmas shopping and it hit me from out of the blue....... i don't really care if aaron ever looks me up again. *shrug* what would he do for me? he served his purpose. i missed him for too damn long and now all i can think about is that it was all a big joke that someone was playing on me. but that's life, isn't it?

today, talking to a few students i realized that i've always just let life walk all over me. twice i dated guys that were engaged and i never knew. i married a man who admittedly beat his first wife and had affairs with women he worked with when he wasn't beating her. i lived with a drunk who told me i have a double-butt. and i'd run around with my tail cut off to get donuts for some asshole who lived in his recliner (sure, it was heated and had massage). i've moved around and lost money... i've lived in hospitals and tried to pretend that i was a part of a church. no one cared though. no one that i wanted to care about me did........

rather disgusting past, really. and yet, what is it that stirs up all the memories that make me want to jump back into a moment or two? aaron? troy? Carey Katzenberger? Bill Philbrook? i just don't really get it. i don't want them back..... i want to know why they treated me like shit. and how could they treat me that way? i want to not blame myself for having such a shitty self-esteem that i let it all happen. but it's not me... not me anymore.

but what is me, is the fact that i over-think soooooooo much. i need to just contain myself and keep it a bit more real than it's been. somewhere back in the early years i climbed out of myself and just let things happen. don't worry - i'm not flipping out and saying that I'VE FOUND MYSELF! i don't believe we ever lose ourselves. just not home some days. in my case, i checked out a great bit of time ago. and i've been checkin in and out ever since.

i would like to reach back sometimes. or, maybe not. i don't think that's me anymore.

friday, december 16, 2005
not me anymore, part II

a student of mine came in to see me this morning. today is the last day of school before break. she wanted to say merry christmas and all that stuff. she's a sweetheart. very young and very naive... i hadn't seen her with her boyfriend lately... when i asked she said that he'd cheated on her and they broke up. she was saying how hard it was for her... how she didn't know how to deal with it.. i found myself wanted to help her and say something really intellectual and stuff but i stopped myself. i mean, just last week i was wondering those same things about my own husband.

jeff didn't do anything like what Daniel did to my student friend but issue have come up which make me wonder how to trust jeff again concerning a certain issue. i was telling my student that guys do really stupid stuff when they don't feel comfortable or they feel tooooo comfortable in a situation. they want control and when they feel like they are losing a battle they will do what necessary to win it..... or try anyway. there i was answering my own questions. it's not about her, i told her. it was strictly about him. his need for whatever it is that he thinks he needs and thinks she can't provide. eventually he'd figure out what he really needs... and that it had nothing at all to do with her.

wow........ i guess i don't really know what to say. i'm suppose to email jonathan and let him know how my week went. maybe i'll just email this addy. i love my husband with everything i have inside of me and around me.