writing what's on my mind
what's in my head
a thought, simple -
moving like crazy
round and round
should I do this
BLOCK
STOP
I don't know.
seriously, I don't know
Where did you go?
What happened when I went blind?
weird things - thoughts
with no identification
no one can make the
choice for me
follow through on
thoughts so simple
round and round
i just reach up and stop them
wouldn't it be so easy then
you, me, thoughts here
thoughts there
ever moving
never done
wait it's done now!
SHIT
why am I so afraid to feel
saturday, september 24, 2000 enhanced leisure potential
I'm sitting here bored out of my mind and a friend pops in from England to remind me that I am not bored... I have enhanced leisure potential and I should use it. *laughing hysterically* I asked how someone increases his ELP and my friend informed me that you simply do less than you did the day before! this is great stuff! a whole new outlook on boredom.. oops, i mean leisure time.
I had a dog once. Uma was an Australian Cattle dog and very, very, hyper. she was borderline nuts if you ask me. it wasn't completely her fault though.... my sister told me that cattle dogs are very, very intelligent. if they aren't worked with or played with or just plain kept busy they will go nuts.
poor little Uma lived in a second floor apartment the size of a fish bowl. she didn't get out much when I had her. I doubt things have changed. her now owner is an alcoholic and I don't think he gets out much himself.
aside from the intelligent part, I think I'm a lot like Uma. if I'm not doing something 24/7 I get grouchy. just like today. it's gloomy out. can't decide if it should rain or not. it's cold... very unconducive for taking a walk.... or just plain gettin' out. so here I sit. I'm BORED to death. the olympics are on but I've sorta given up on them due to the gymnastics fiasco. what a joke. I bet my New Zealand fans are loving the fact that Aussie screwed up! They don't like Australia very much.
I suppose I need to rethink this boredom stuff. stop making excuses... start living up to my ELP - enhanced leisure potential! this is an interesting new look at down time. I think I'm going to have to really look at this! What can I do today to increase my ELP? gah, I haven't the slightest. I'm going to head out and think about it though. if you have any good ideas.... let me know! I'm just and email away!
fire_fly66@netzero.net
see ya all around.... kisses for you.... j
tuesday, september 19, 2000 searching for the gray
had an interview today. lynn, a housemate, let me borrow one of her suits. black.... everyone who say me in it said I looked awesome. I walked into the office for my interview and I know I looked good because they liked me. little do they know what I have done to myself underneath. I looked at the scars now as I type and think that they surely wouldn't be interested in me if they knew. but they don't. and, as I sit here I start to wonder what it is that they may be hiding.
last night I spent some time with the staff person Becky. I was mentioning to her that I feel like such a failure. I failed at an impossible marriage - I was sure I could survive. I've failed at teaching jobs that I'd give my right arm to have today. My car is no longer. I sold my house in the divorce. Material things. I'm not materialistic at all. I was trying to explain to Becky. I would just like the options... option to buy a home... option to get a new car... option to teach. I don't have them.... the options - not the things. Having options would make me feel normal again - I think.
a psychiatrist of mine called me a PIG. great guy, huh? he told me, eventually, that PIG stands for pursuant of immediate gratification. I think about this word alot. I am impatient - I know that. But, it's been a year now that I've been fighting this disease and I really don't see my accomplishments. I have to hear people tell me that I'm doing so much better. And then, half the time I don't believe them. I just feel so damn BLAH.
so, chances are very good that I'll get this job. they liked me. chances are also good that they don't know that I hurt myself when I feel like I can't stand life the way that it is. when I don't feel like I have any options in life. they only see the outside and I seem to only see the inside. outside vs. inside. black and white.... maybe I should spend some time searching for the gray.
saturday, september 16, 2000 happy anniversary
i'm now into my second year of recovery. i fell on september 1st, 1999 and i've been trying to get back up ever since. not that i had a lot when i crashed. but, i was working fulltime. i had a decent job and it looked good for a future at the Jewish Community Centers. i liked my boss. at home, i had my own. it was a wonderful little place near the lake. i had Mimsie and my computer. i was a happy little camper.
one pill and all that changed. some say i needed the fall. that it brought to my attention that i wasn't really doing nearly as well as i thought. that pisses me off to hear.... but, it's probably true. ok, did i just contradict everything i said in paragraph 1? well, i didn't know the extent of my illness. i hadn't dealt with the important things - i'd just skip right over those things with my then therapist, catherine. i liked her. i probably thought she was great because she never MADE me think, MADE me talk, MADE me do anything that i was uncomfortable with.
now here i am.... i have a new therapist. i have a new psychiatrist. i have a new (yes, another one) diagnosis. something inside of me feels like i'm getting close to the heart of my disease. or, disorder, as my hospital shrink called it. my therapy sessions with jonathan are uncomfortable to say the least. but, i trust him. he's going to be there when i fall. he's listening to every word i say. and, he's making me think.
thinking is a hard thing to do when you have a mental disorder. lots of "us" spend our entire lives running from thoughts. it's hard to admit that we need to stop and listen. take the time to process what's going on inside of ourselves. it's uncomfortable, like i said before. but, the more heartache i go through the stronger my heart becomes.
so, in this second year.... to an outsider it may seem that i've gone down hill. no job, no apartment, no Mimsie.... but, i have to say to myself, Happy Anniversary - may it only get better!
good night all.... thank you for hanging in for one more year.
friday, september 15, 2000 guest writer
Clouds darken my thoughts, my eyes, and my sky
I sit with coffee in hand and cigerette to light
My thoughts spin negative to positive and back
They never seem to lack any spirit to fight
Attack as they may I hold to a thought
OF better days to come if I just can hold on
one more hour, one more day I pray
Like its some sort of silly game called tron
I played that game a millions time before
Always losing whne I think I had won
But then I remeber that during the game
There were times I thought I lost and then won
That I kept trying even though it seemed bleak
And fighting against odds that were greater than me
ButI took them on all one at a time, hiding from this
one as I attack with suprise
I wont let them get me and slowly I wll jump
And take each problem down and its over that stump
one less hurled for me to climb or jump
I just have to be willing to do the next hump
Be willing to do what is neccessary and best
be willing to do what I think is the best.
To be willing to do what ever it takes
to amke me stronger and to make me sane
Move to the next step to make my future clear
To make certain that a future, a future for me is near
Now I must go and do as I must
Look out world because here |I| come
.... thank you david.... i hate to know that other people go through such similar feelings as me.... but, it's great to get them out and put them on paper. if any of you have words you'd like to share. i'd be very very happy to put them here.... i can't promise a ton of people will see it but.... it's a place to voice and some of us need to voice! so.... if you'd like to share - send me an email... (i won't put your name with your writing unless, of course, you'd like me to)
tuesday, september 12, 2000 new poem and more
two things..... first... i posted a new poem. i hope you like it. and secondly.... well, this letter says it all....
David,
... just got off the phone with you a few minutes ago. i've been walking around aimlessly. lynn asked if i was sad and i had to say yes. i am sad. i'm very sad right now. i'm thinking about how you must feel - me not working... you having to do everything for me... me not helping out financially - not once since we've been togther. i guess i'd feel pretty down about the whole relationship myself...
i'm sad because i know that you are down. i'm sad because i haven't done anything for you to make you believe that this relationship is as important to me as it is to you. the truth is that it IS VERY important to me. i've never, ever had a friend like you. i've never felt like having sex was more than just me 'givin it out'. i've never been so obsessed with someone like i am about you.... unfortunately i just don't know how to show it.... or, the right way to show it.
the other night i was going to send you a card. i didn't because all i had to say in it i've said so many times to you that you must not even be affected by the words anymore. i love you. you make me want to be a better person. with you i feel like i can finally be happy...... all the things i say to you all the time. do they even make you feel loved anymore?
i know that getting a job so that i can work some first and then go be with you... i know that would help so much. i am trying... i'm probably not trying hard enough. it's definitely not a conscious thing. i mean, i'm not doing it on purpose. maybe i am trying as hard as i can. i know i'm confused. i know that i am probably thinking way too hard......
david, more than anything in the world i want to be with you.... wake up next to you and go to sleep in your arms. honestly, i am afraid of losing you..... so, am i somehow sabotaging this so that i don't have to go through the pain of losing you unexpectedly? did that make sense?
i just don't have any confidence in myself. i don't think that i can be the woman that you need me to be..... well, somedays i do.... somedays i don't. i'm afraid david. i'm sure you are so tired of hearing me say that.... i'm afraid of this - i'm afraid of that.... i'm always afraid it seems like. i'm grateful to you for letting me feel safe enough to tell you that i'm afraid of some things...... but, i don't think i've ever told you just how afraid i am of losing you.... i've being too much for you to put up with.... SHIT, i'm afraid. in all my fear i forget that you must have some of your own.....
my not trying hard enough to get a job.... that must hurt you. but, david, please, believe me that i am trying.... i get confused but i am trying...... i love you so much babe..... so very very much.
i hope this made some sense to you honey. i just want you to know just how important you are in my life.... i just wish i could find the right, special way to tell you..... i know by getting a job soon would be a good start. i do know that......
i love you honey.
i love you.
me
saturday, september 9, 2000 CUBS game and such
i'm in an incredibly rotten mood at the moment! went with Lauren to a CUBS game today. we had great seats. too bad there wasn't a game to watch. the CUBS suck. of course, Notre Dame lost to Nebraska too.... my friend Laura will never let me hear the end of it! i'm holding off on calling my father. it's best to do so whenever Notre Dame loses.
in other news, a friend of mine messaged me to say that her boyfriend cheated on her. i never would have guessed that this particular guy could have been such an asshole! now then... back to my friend. what do you say to someone who's just found out something like this? she's such a sweet person. and, she suffers from depression too. not that suffering from something like depression makes you anymore wonderful or sweet or anything like that... it's just that she didn't need this! and now, she doesn't need him! unfortunately, she might forgive him. she really loves him i think... or, she did. shoot... i don't know. boy, hearing this really pissed me off more... :o(((
i had a scary meeting with jonathan friday. he has been suggesting that i talk about my past more. i realize that most ppl think that's what a therapist is for... but, i don't like the past. at least certain parts of the past. somehow, however, i ended up there (the past). it was a tough session. the topic revolved around what it is that keeps me from following through on things... on some pretty important things. i hate to blame someone else for what i have always just thought was laziness. but, things have been screwed up for so long... i think it's because when i was little i was always worried about upsetting my sister. she didn't like me much. she's 6 years older than me. things were hard for her. she's dyslexic. i'm not. in fact, things usually came pretty easily for me. i remember one day she came to me crying. she asked why everything was always so easy for me... why was i so perfect. i was pretty young at the time but i knew that she was hurting. i think from about that time on if a decision was left for me to make i'd sabotage before i'd follow through...... that was nearly 30 years ago - that conversation. here i am today.
the thing is... she wants to be happy, happy sister with me. ya know, i was the last in the family to give up on her. she moved out to CA... had some kids and now just wanders.... i think she is actually pretty clueless.... i mean about me. there were some other incidents. i don't want you to think that i've lost interest in her simply because she thought i was the whiz kid or anything. it's just that i started to realize at my session Friday with jonathan how much she impacted me. (does that make sense?) i think jon thought i wasn't trying hard enough - that maybe i am a bit lazy. as we were finishing up our session - me in tears - he said that he really does think i am trying. he said he could see it in me...... those words were important for me to hear! if he gives up on me.... gees... i don't know... but he hasn't. and to be honest - as long as i keep paying him i think he'll always be there... but, seriously, i do feel like he cares! i've mentioned how wonderful he is in other entries so i won't go into it again tonight!
i guess i'll stop for now. i'm tired and grumpy. one of my housemates (a bulemic) ate all my food in the middle of the night... i feel bad for her but she really should replace the stuff she eats. i got home from the ballgame and went to fix dinner.... ah haha... nothing there to eat. she's working at the moment but i think i'm going to have to do the assertive thing and say something when she gets home. i don't know. it made me pretty angry though so i guess i really don't have much choice....
i'm going to take off for now. i'm sorry, my friend, that bj did that to you! hopefully we'll hook-up on-line soon and we can talk! we can trash men for a while and then eat lots of chocolate! *hugs* talk soon.... kisses from me.... j
thursday, september 7, 2000 Stone Cold is Back!
can't wait for 7:00pm! Stone Cold Steve Austin is making an appearance on Smack Down! WWF - wrestling at it's best! i've written about wrestling before. it's my comfort TV! yes, all the violence is comforting to me - scary, huh? oh well, to each his own.
in other news.... well there isn't a gob of other news. i'm not working yet but i do have some things in the works! jonathan has been on vacation for a week - he's back tomorrow! YAY! imagine - jonathan and Stone Cold in the same week. could anyone ask for more.
an old friend of mine that i talked to on the computer - steve - sorta got me interested in wrestling again. i was a huge fan my senior year in high school. yes, i will admit that i thought it was real back then. it took forever for anyone to tell me differently. however, i'm fully aware that it's not real now! sadly... it's not real... :o( anyway, steve, yes, well.... i haven't talked to him in sometime. he's a touchy guy - easliy pissed off. i've known that about him though... it seems that he no longer believes it's me who emails him so he isn't so keen on corresponding. i won't go into what it is that makes him believe this but, it is unfortunate. i miss talking to him.
i'll get over it. that's cyberfriends i guess. i don't know why it must be this way. i remember when i was about 8 i had a penpal, janet. she was awesome. in fact, she went on to be a children's author. finally lost track of her in high school. she sent me a graduation card and.... basically that was it. i wonder about her. especially since i started this cyberpal stuff. to me, that's all this has been about. meeting someone from a different country... learning about who they are and what they stand for. steve was one of those ppl to me. yeah, i developed a crush on him but, i'm not so sure that i wouldn't have had we been corresponding on paper and not computers.
i never got the chance to really say goodbye to him. i'm sorta sad about it. he stood for so much in my life. he taught me to look at myself... learn who i really am... but, things change i guess. tonight i'll be watching wrestling. i'll be thinking about what steve might be doing... maybe i'll drop him a note and let him know what happens.... maybe he'll know it's me. maybe not.
funny this computer stuff. i've made some great friends and learned so much... i also have a wonderful best friend and lover now.... i wonder who i thank for all of this? i wonder? could it be janet... or maybe myself. i'll sign off for now. don't be surprised to get a wrestling update from me... stone cold!! woohoo!!