Just Inn Time
Christy - The pyro
Kalvin - The psycho
Alfred - A really nice guy
Matthew - A really not nice guy
Maurice - The innkeeper
Customer - Aka Dudley
Bruce - The homo
Betsy - Kalvin's beef buddy
Pyorkie - The pig
[SETTING: An Inn somewhere in the old days. Raining outside, evening, cool weather, but not cold. MAURICE stands wiping the counter proudly. There are candles on all of the tables. One CUSTOMER sits in the far corner eating his dinner.]
[Enter CHRISTY]
CHRISTY: [with disgust] It's raining!
[She shakes off all the water she can, still disgusted and annoyed. She looks around and finds she in an Inn, but more importantly, there's a fire stage right. She rushes over excitedly, pulls a chair over and sits directly in front of the fire. Her gaze never wanders from the flames, she is totally enthraled.]
[Enter ALFRED]
ALFRED: [looking around, to MAURICE] Good evening kind sir, I wish to spend the night in your fine Inn.
MAURICE: [looking up] Uhh, sure, it will be 5 silver pieces per night.
ALFRED: A fair price, but I'll give you 10. [He tosses the money to MAURICE, MAURICE watches him suspiciously, walking towards one of the tables] What a wonderful evening!
CHRISTY: [turns around and glares at him] It's raining!
ALFRED: [shocked at her disgust] Well yes, it is...but it hasn't rained for days, the farmers will be happy, no doubt. [CHRISTY ignores him and turns back to her precious fire, Alfred sits on a chair far away from her.]
[Enter KALVIN]
KALVIN: [Looking around cautiously] Okay, it looks safe. [He walks in, at ease. He wanders around a bit, and sees one of the customers eating a side of beef] [gasping] You sir, are a tyrant!
CUSTOMER: Huh?
KALVIN: Eating a poor defenceless dead cow...why it never even had a chance!
CUSTOMER: What?
KALVIN: [climbing onto the table on his hands and knees] You poor little cattle! Has the big bad tyrant been mercilessly gnawing away you? [he pets it tenderly]
CUSTOMER: [getting annoyed] What are you doing?
KALVIN: I'm saving your soul. [he picks up the meat and walks away]
CUSTOMER: [tries to stop him] Give me my dinner back!!!
KALVIN: Sorry, I can't. It likes me better. [Reaching into his pocket, he fishes out a rather expensive looking ring] Here, take this instead.
CUSTOMER: [Seeing it is a truly valuable ring he readily takes it and sits down content] ...Thanks! Innkeeper, I want some...stew!
KALVIN: [Cradles the beef in his arms like a new born child and mumbles words of comfort] Don't worry, you're safe now, he won't hurt you anymore. [He sits down at the table in the back corner and `plays' with his new friend]
MAURICE: [Noticing Kalvin] Can I get you anything, Sir?
KALVIN: No thank you, just a room for the night.
MAURICE: [pondering] Sure, that will be...10 silver pieces per night
KALVIN: Yes yes, that's wonderful. But it's only five. [He tosses him five silver pieces]
MAURICE: [Starts to object, but gives up] But... [KALVIN resumes babying his beef]
[Enter MATTHEW (cursing), he walks up to MAURICE and grabs him by the collar violently]
MATTHEW: I don't have any money, but I'm staying the night here.
MAURICE: [scared] The cost is 5 silver pieces...
MATTHEW: [angrier] I said I don't have any money [getting ready to punch MAURICE]
ALFRED: [standing up and walking towards the bar] Don't worry, my good fellow, I'll pay for you.
MATTHEW: [surprised] Huh? Who the hell are you?
ALFRED: [bowing] I am Alfred the really nice guy, and you, sir?
MATTHEW: I am Matthew the really not nice guy.
ALFRED: Not nice? Come come, no one is not always not nice! [scratching his head]
MATTHEW: Go away.
ALFRED: Not until we clear this up.
MATTHEW: Clear what up?
ALFRED: Don't you remember?
MATTHEW: No.
ALFRED: Oh my, I can't seem to remember either...[pondering]
KALVIN: [to ALFRED] You were talking about the benefits of eating carrots instead of crabs.
ALFRED: Oh yes... [getting back on track] Carrots not only help vision, but they are also a great source of...
MATTHEW: Oh shut up! [He walks away, as he walks by the customer, he takes his stew, the customer starts to protest, but a glare from MATTHEW silences him. He walks towards the fire to warm himself, but a glare from CHRISTY keeps him moving to a chair in the corner.]
ALFRED: [to Maurice] Are you alright?
MAURICE: Yes, I'm fine thank you.
ALFRED: [smiling] Your welcome. [Orders another stew for the customer and then sits down in his original seat]
[A bit of time passes, MAURICE, remembering CHRISTY, approaches her]
MAURICE: Mam, can I help you?
CHRISTY: No, I don't think so.
MAURICE: [confused] Uhmm....are you hungry?
CHRISTY: [Remembering her aching stomach. Surprised] Why...yes, I am. Do you have anything flambayed?
MAURICE: Err, I'm afraid not...but the stew might be flammable. [The CUSTOMER who was listening spits out his stew out violently]
CHRISTY: Okay, I'll have that then. [She looks around for an empty table. She finds one and sits down. She taps her finger for a moment, staring at the unlit candle. She sighs and gets up, walks over to the fire place, picks up a burning log (without setting herself on fire), walks back to her table, and uses the burning log to light her candle. She sits down and smiles triumphantly.] ...Fire pretty!
MAURICE: [Brings her a bowl of stew (which is really the customers discarded bowl of stew)] Here you go.
CHRISTY: [with her most innocent smile] Thank you. [When he walks away, she turns to her stew and then sticks the flame of the candle into it. It ignites. She giggles like a school girl and delights in the sight, she does not eat the stew, however.]
KALVIN: [standing up and walking towards the CUSTOMER] Hello, my name is Kalvin, what's yours?
CUSTOMER: [scared, not wanting to tell him his real name] ...uhh, I'm...uhh, Dudley. [with confidence] Yes, Dudley, that's right.
KALVIN: [smiling, he reaches his hand out] Pleased to meet you Dud. [CUSTOMER shakes it hesitantly] And this is my cow, Betsy [holding up the half eaten beef], we go way back.
CUSTOMER: [alarmed] Yes, I believe we've already met.
KALVIN: [surprised] Really? When? She never mentioned you.
CUSTOMER: Just a few...oh never mind, I could be mistaken. All cows look the same to me.
KALVIN: [gasping] How can you say that?! [thrusting the beef in his face] Look, you hurt her feelings!
CUSTOMER: Well, err, I'm sorry...
KALVIN: Nope nope, that's just not going to cut it this time! Kiss and make up.
CUSTOMER: The beef?!
KALVIN: [excited] Where? [CUSTOMER motions towards BETSY] [mockingly] Yes the BEEF!
CUSTOMER: I'd rather not.
KALVIN: And I'd rather not ram this chair down your throat, but what the hell. Right?
[CUSTOMER frightened, turns to MAURICE for support, he shrugs. CUSTOMER gets up and runs out of the room screaming. KALVIN continues singing and dances around the room with BETSY. He sees CHRISTY. He looks back and forth between BETSY and CHRISTY for a moment, measuring them up. He tosses BETSY over his shoulder towards his table and approaches CHRISTY.]
KALVIN: [politely] May I have this dance? [CHRISTY ignores him, not even hearing him, entranced by the flaming stew.] Ahem! Miss?
CHRISTY: [half paying attention] Hmm?
KALVIN: Would you like to dance?
CHRISTY: [looks up at him, sees he's a fine looking man] Sure. [she gets up and they start to dance]
ALFRED: But...there's no music!
KALVIN: Yes there is, it's all around us.
ALFRED: [confused] I don't hear anything.
CHRISTY: That's because you're too uptight. [MATTHEW laughs] [to MATTHEW] Shut up!
ALFRED: So, you mean if I lighten up, I'll hear music too?
KALVIN: All the time...even when you're trying to sleep, but of course you can't sleep, because the music is so loud, but you try...only to fail miserably every single night. But it's fun. Sleep is highly overrated anyway.
ALFRED: [confused] I see...
[In the meantime, MATTHEW has stood up and grabs CHRISTY out of KALVINS arms. KALVIN shrugs and returns to his beloved BETSY, he dances with her instead, while apologising to her.]
MATTHEW: My turn.
CHRISTY: Let go of me, you Ogre!
MATTHEW: Try and make me! [taking great delight watching her struggle]
ALFRED: I must ask you to stop.
MATTHEW: [laughing] I'm sooo scared!
[They start to fight, CHRISTY is in the middle trying to break it up, unsuccessfully. KALVIN sits in the corner talking to BETSY. MAURICE helps CHRISTY in trying to break it up. CHRISTY goes over to her stew and picks it up and dumps it on MATTHEW and ALFRED.]
MATTHEW: What the hell did you do that for?
CHRISTY: Bugger off, the both of you.
ALFRED: [explaining] I was just trying to help...
[ALFRED and MATTHEW return to their seats. CHRISTY looks around and sees KALVIN back with his beef, she sighs hopelessly and returns to her empty bowl. She forgets about it though, and gets lost in the flame of the candle once again.]
[KALVIN fishes a piece of long string out of his pocket, and ties it around BETSY. Taking delight in this, he decides to take her for a walk around the room. When he comes to a table, he frowns, runs around to the other side of it (leaving BETSY on the original side) and pulls the string, BETSY jumps up onto the table.] Yes! You're such a good girl. [he kisses her and claps his hands in delight. He continues walking her around the room, 'jumping' over any obstacles they come across.]
MAURICE: [concerned] Are you sure you wouldn't like anything, Sir?
KALVIN: How about a whole cow? Not just part, mind you, but the whole cow.
MAURICE: Uhm...no, I don't think I have any. [pause] How about some...stew!
KALVIN: Oh, do you have any whole sheep? Those are fun too.
MAURICE: No, sorry, no sheep either. How about a drink?
KALVIN: What DO you have?
MAURICE: Scotch, Whisky, Gin...
KALVIN: No no! I'm talking farm animals!
MAURICE: My wife keeps a couple pigs out back...
KALVIN: Not in the outback, silly, I mean here.
MAURICE: [confused] I could get you a pig.
KALVIN: Whole?
MAURICE: Whole.
KALVIN: With a snout and curly little tail?
MAURICE: Yes.
KALVIN: [standing up, he gives MAURICE a great big hug] Oh wonderful! I'd propose to you, but you're already married. Yes, I'll have a whole pig please.
MAURICE: Alright then. [EXIT]
KALVIN: [turning to the audience] [excited] I'm going to get a whole real live pig with a snout and a curly little tail! [he rubs his hands in anticipation and waits patiently]
[MATTHEW pulls out a checkerboard and pieces. ALFRED, noticing walks over to him.]
ALFRED: May I join you?
MATTHEW: No.
ALFRED: Why not?
MATTHEW: Because I don't like you.
ALFRED: I like you.
MATTHEW: Don't you ever say that again!
ALFRED: Then let me play with you...
MATTHEW: ...Checkers? [ALFRED nods] Alright.
ALFRED: Oh goodie! I love checkers. [MATTHEW grumbles, they start playing]
[A gust of wind blows CHRISTYS candle out. She frowns deeply and looks around. The fire is getting low, so she walks over and throws some logs on it. Then she looks around, rather bored. She yawns and stretches. A rather good looking man walks into the inn (BRUCE) as she starts towards her chair again.]
CHRISTY: [not so innocently] Why hello there.
BRUCE: Hi. [he walks past her to the empty table practically ignoring her]
CHRISTY: [confused, she follows him over] May I join you?
BRUCE: [shrugging] If you like. [she sits down sadly]
[MAURICE returns with a stuffed pig]
MAURICE: [to the audience] You didn't expect a REAL pig, did you?! [he walks over to KALVIN] Here you go, Sir. [he hands it to KALVIN]
KALVIN: [with a tear in his eye] Thank you...thank you very much. [to the pig] Hello Pyorkie!
MAURICE: Er...right! [notices BRUCE and walks over to him] What can I do for you, Sir?
BRUCE: [chuckles at an inside joke nobody understands] What are you willing to do?
MAURICE: [doesn't understand] Can I get you anything?
BRUCE: What do you have?
MAURICE: [counting on his fingers] We've got beef, stew, and beef stew.
CHRISTY: The stew is good.
KALVIN: Don't eat the beef, or I'll have to kill you.
BRUCE: Oh..okay, I guess I'll have the stew then.
MAURICE: Without the beef?
KALVIN: [answering for him] YES! [BRUCE nods to MAURICE in agreement]
MAURICE: Coming right up. [EXIT]
KALVIN: [out of the blue] Where are we?
BRUCE: We're in an inn.
KALVIN: How can you be so sure?
BRUCE: Well, it's got rooms...
KALVIN: How do you know, have you seen them?
BRUCE: Well no...
KALVIN: HA! I didn't think so.
[Enter MAURICE, he brings a bowl of stew to BRUCE]
BRUCE: Say innkeeper, is this an Inn we're in?
MAURICE: Yes.
BRUCE: [to KALVIN] Told you so.
KALVIN: You mean you're just willing to accept this is in fact an Inn we're in? Without any proof at all?
BRUCE: [frowning] Innkeeper...
MAURICE: My name is Maurice.
KALVIN: See? He isn't even an innkeeper at all!
MAURICE: Yes I am, but my name is Maurice.
MATTHEW: What a stupid name!
ALFRED: That wasn't very nice of you.
MATTHEW: I didn't imply that it was.
ALFRED: Take that back.
MATTHEW: I won't!
[They start fighting again. KALVIN cowers in the corner protecting his pets. CHRISTY bangs her head against the table. MAURICE tries to break them up again, with no more success than the first time. BRUCE sits back and watches intently. MATTHEW throws ALFRED across the room near KALVIN. KALVIN screams and picks up his chair swinging it around wildly and charges MATTHEW, clubbing him over the head with it, MATTHEW falls down, he then runs back and clubs ALFRED with it too.]
KALVIN: You silly savages, you almost hurt BETSY!
ALFRED: [getting up] I'm sorry, my dear fellow, I tried not to get hit and...
KALVIN: No excuses, the next one to come near me or my friends is a dead man.
MAURICE: Now now, violence is not necessary, we are all mature adults here...well, some more than others.
[CHRISTY has lost interest in BRUCE and walks towards KALVIN]
CHRISTY: [Motioning towards BETSY] Can I pet her?
KALVIN: [pondering a bit] ...if you're gentle.
CHRISTY: [smiles and sits down, she pets BETSY gently]
KALVIN: Ahhh! That's too hard, you're hurting her!
CHRISTY: I only...
KALVIN: Shoe!
CHRISTY: [Frowning, she walks over towards MATTHEW] Hi.
MATTHEW: What do you want?
CHRISTY: Cheap thrills.
MATTHEW: [evil grin] Well then you've come to the right place!
ALFRED: Why that isn't very lady-like of you.
CHRISTY: I don't recall asking for your opinion.
MATTHEW: Bugger off, Alfred.
ALFRED: I must protect her virtue, I cannot.
CHRISTY: I don't have any virtue.
BRUCE: I do, [smiling at ALFRED] come and protect me!
ALFRED: [shrugging, he walks over to BRUCE] Yes?
BRUCE: Sit down and relax... [ALFRED sits] So how long have you been having these conflicting feelings?
ALFRED: What conflicting feelings?
BRUCE: Come on, don't deny it, I've seen it a million times.
ALFRED: What are you talking about?
BRUCE: Admit it!
ALFRED: [sighing] Alright, I admit it if it will make you happy. What did I admit to?
BRUCE: [gleefully] I knew you liked me!
ALFRED: I like everyone, even Matthew over there. [pointing to MATTHEW]
BRUCE: No no, silly, I mean....you know, that way
ALFRED: What way? [BRUCE motions him closer, ALFRED leans in, BRUCE whispers in his ear. ALFRED pulls back in horror.] I think you are mistaken!
BRUCE: Nope, you just admitted it.
KALVIN: Well...you did.
ALFRED: But I...I didn't know...
BRUCE: Relax cutie, I'm just fooling around with you.
ALFRED: [upset] I'd rather you didn't!
BRUCE: [shrugging] To each his own, I suppose.
ALFRED: Well...yes! [ALFRED gets up and returns to his seat]
[Meanwhile, MATTHEW and CHRISTY are talking to each other, she suddenly slaps him, gets up and walks away. MATTHEW laughs. CHRISTY sits down beside BRUCE again.]
CHRISTY: Men are such pigs!
BRUCE: You're telling me, sister! All they want is sex, sex, sex! They don't care if you're madly in love with them or if you don't even know there name.
CHRISTY: Right, and they think they can walk all over you just because you're a woman...or...a man.
BRUCE: I'll never understand men!
CHRISTY: Nor will I. [They both sigh hopelessly]
[KALVIN gets up and takes PYORKIE over to ALFRED]
KALVIN: Hello Alfred.
ALFRED: How did you know my name?
KALVIN: I know a lot of things.
ALFRED: Like what?
KALVIN: Like that you're not a homosexual, that you're a really nice guy, and that you're mothers maiden name is Gawflugelflaggin.
ALFRED: Wow! You're good.
KALVIN: [grinning] Actually Pyorkie told me.
ALFRED: You're pig?
KALVIN: Yup, he's real smart.
ALFRED: Does he do math?
KALVIN: Not sure, try him.
ALFRED: Okay... [thinking] What is the square root of 874?
KALVIN: [conferring with PYORKIE] 29.563491
ALFRED: That's right!
KALVIN: Do you ever wonder if there's a point to any of this?
ALFRED: What do you mean?
KALVIN: Is there a plot perhaps?
ALFRED: Probably not.
KALVIN: Then what's the sense of it all?
ALFRED: There is no sense. It's a comedy, and a poor one at that.
KALVIN: Maybe you're right. But there must be a reason for it all...why we've all been brought here on this dark and stormy night.
ALFRED: Perhaps there is, only we just don't know it yet.
KALVIN: Maybe. [he shrugs and sits down with ALFRED]
BRUCE: [to CHRISTY] Speaking of plays, what scene are we on?
CHRISTY: I think it's still the first.
BRUCE: What a long scene!
MATTHEW: [to himself] Never ending!
ALFRED: Why do you like cows so much, Kalvin?
KALVIN: My great aunt Hilda was a cow, I liked her plenty.
ALFRED: That might explain it.
KALVIN: Perhaps, or maybe it was something from my childhood.
ALFRED: You never know.
BRUCE: Where did Maurice go?
MAURICE: [standing up from behind the counter] Yes?
BRUCE: What are you doing?
MAURICE: [casually] Ohh...nothing.
BRUCE: [thoughtfully] Oh. [MAURICE ducks down again]
KALVIN: He's ducking, silly.
BRUCE: Why?
KALVIN: Because he is afraid of us.
BRUCE: Afraid of us? How ridiculous!
KALVIN: Yes I know, but he's just that type of fellow, I suppose. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance.
MATTHEW: Or maybe a tumour!
BRUCE: It's probably the stew eating away at his brain!
CHRISTY: Lets light him on fire and see if it's true!
MAURICE: NO!! I'm fine, really, I just....dropped something,
ALFRED: It's not nice to lie, Maurice.
MATTHEW: We'll have to punish you now, you know that, of course.
MAURICE: [panicking] I don't think that's necessary.
KALVIN: [jumping up on one of the tables] Is it to be war then?
MATTHEW: YES!
MAURICE: NO!
KALVIN: Alright, pick sides everyone. Maurice, I'm with you, buddy.
CHRISTY: I'm with you Matthew, I say burn him!
ALFRED: I'll wait to see which side loosing, and then join that one.
MAURICE: This is insane! Stop it, all of you!
KALVIN: [to MAURICE] If you're such a pacifist, why don't you be the referee?
ALFRED: Then I'll join you, Kalvin!
MAURICE: But...
KALVIN: Enough! Arm yourselves!
[KALVIN picks up BETSY in one hand, and PYORKIE in the other. ALFRED draws his sword. CHRISTY picks up a burning log. MATTHEW picks up a bottle. MAURICE runs and hides behind the bar again. Just as they're moving in to engage in combat the rain stops and the sun comes out. Everyone drops their weapons and runs to the windows/door.]
CHRISTY: [joyfully] It's stopped raining and the sun has come out!
ALFRED: My what a beautiful day!
KALVIN: But it's night time...why's the sun out?
MATTHEW: Who cares what time it is, I'm out of here! [Exit]
MAURICE: [seeing that it's safe, stands up again] Huh?
CHRISTY: I think I'll go frolic in the sun! [Exit]
[There is a womans scream in the distance]
ALFRED: Hark, a damsel in distress! Don't worry M'lady, I'm coming! [Exit]
MAURICE: [looking at KALVIN expectantly] Aren't you going to leave too?
KALVIN: Nope.
MAURICE: [dryly] Oh.
KALVIN: I think I'm going to live here....for now.
MAURICE: Really? Why?
KALVIN: I like it here.
MAURICE: Why?
KALVIN: It's very friendly here. It's good for my karma. And Pyorkie and Betsy like it too. Maybe I'll breed them....I'd make a good farmer, don't you think?
MAURICE: [sarcastically] I'm sure...
KALVIN: Or maybe I could have an ostrich farm, I here those are fun too. What do you think, Betsy? [pause] Betsy?? [he puts his hand on her forehead] Oh my! This is terrible.
MAURICE: What?
KALVIN: She's got a fever!
MAURICE: [confused] How?!
KALVIN: She's sick, you silly sausage! I must find a vet! [Exit]
MAURICE: [groaning] What a day...eer, night.