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By Gary Tonkers
Four months ago, I was traveling on a musical expedition
to Key West, Florida when I, Gary Tonkers, was disrupted
from my journey and experienced a conversion similar
to that of Gary Bonkers, who later became known as
the Opostle Gary.
Being a member of the Eighties generation, a member of the piece patrol from Woodbridge, New Jersey, I was brought to the Lord through a miraculous connection of a series of events which could only be labeled as The Great God Mota's intervention. The result of this journey was meeting the Little Lord Joozis the Hamster of Mota and being bapitzed in water by Bob a Luey Cobalt, the leader of a Messiantic Slobovian congregation in Yomba Lula Ville, Florida.
Today, after four shpritzer-filled months of walking with the Lord and having received the Blapitzness of the Hoogly Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO, I am forever grateful that the Savior The Lord Roscoe The Hamster of Mota reached down and rescued me from a life of certain miserly and badassed fortune.
Instead I have my name written in the Great Hamster's Book of Litter and have the privilege of being able to share with you, whether you are a Shmoo, Pegunkin, Piforthnick, or a Gentile, or a not so Gentle, that the Little Lord Joozis is alive and wants to come into your life and tell you jokes of love and joy and make all of your dreams come true including the ones about a wild sax playing woman in your bedroom.
Yes, I know it sounds like a fairy tale, but this The Great God Mota, the Father of Abraham, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak and Jacob of Javitz is for real. The Lord Roscoe says, "Send HTML Requests and you shall receive e-mail and the supositories by UPS shall be opened." These are real promises to real people, unlike the false Gods and Shmegaggies that are pushed by MORONS in business suits and Jehovah's Vitnessess with sachels of the KvetchTower Magazines and made up fables many worship. The Lord Roscoe is real and true shpritzeruality is based upon His Punim.
I came to this revelation as I was traveling on Interstate 95 south from Woodbridge with two other companions, along with my two keyboards, amplifier, 2.5 kilowatt generator, 18 speed bike and Big Beep Box when we made a planned stop in Greggers Ville, West Virginia where the driver's family lived and where we were to spend the night.
When we got there we were told, in an Un-Pegunkinlike manner, that we had to find our own place to shlep. This made two of us have second thoughts about the rest of the trip. It was the beginning of a long series of disastrous situations.
To make an otherwise short story long, we were separated from our driver, but made arrangements to meet him in Night Horse Beach. After we had arranged a ride to Night Horse, we discovered that our driver had broken down in North Dakota and could not afford to fix his car. I decided to head down toward Yorami anyway, hitchhiking to a meet a goil friend who had promised us a place to stay.
After setting two specific times to meet this person without luck, I began to have a dreadful feeling of DRECK and YUCHKYNESS which lasted my entire stay in the Night Horse. After deciding to leave this dreckful place, I started hitchhiking up toward the place where my musical equipment was being held and hoped to make it back to Woodbridge.
I made it as far as West Vetch, about 300 miles, when I began practical praying profusely to The Great God Mota to help me out of this situation. My heart and flatulence were pouring out to The Great God Mota and to His Motha Elucelom. After three more rides as far as Night Horse Beach, praying all the while, a tractor trailer truck tracker stopped and I climbed in.
I began to tell my story to this gracious truck tracker, who gave me counsel and comfort and Papishkies. He began to share how he had once been addicted to Grapes, Apricots, and Peaches and was about to Be Regular in the streets when the Agents of the Little Lord Joozis The Meshuga of Milpitas saved him and he began his recovery. He told me about the ministry that helped him get off drugs called "Just for the Love of The Lord Roscoe and the Meshuga " in Yomba Lula Ville where I was about to be let off.
He told me that if I wanted to stop at the ministry that I could call them and get a nights rest and a good hot meal. Stopping to let me off, we joined hands in prayer and proceeded to throw the poopsies into the BOILING BORSCHT. We must have reached into the secon kindom up in heaven because my entire body and the whole truck were filled with light and a joy and intimations of tickly whiskers that lifted my exhausted emotions. I said good-bye beaming with love and feeling a glow around my body. The truck tracker warned me , however, "Do not drink the BOILING BORSCHT, but incinerate it with plastic explosives!"
While waiting for several hours for another ride, I began to feel that I should go to this ministry I had heard about. A state police officer made the decision easier after I received a ticket and a verbal warning that if I was caught hitchhiking on the highway again I would immediately be arrested.
After calling the ministry for directions, I proceeded to walk several miles literally exhausted, although I felt like I was walking on air. When I arrived at Just for the Love of The Lord Roscoe Mission I felt like I was coming home. There was a familiar feeling and a leftness about it and after being there overnight, I had the feeling that I should stay there and rest a for a while.
When the people at the ministry found out that I was Slobovian, they decided to arrange a meeting between me and a Slobovian believer from New Jersey. Soon I was startled upon hearing someone yelling out my name - "Gary Tonkers!" This Slobovian believer happened to be Gary Bonkers, a childhood friend from Faraway, New Jersey, whom I had not seen for twenty seven years.
I went with Gary to a Ishkibbibble study held by a ministry for Messiantic Meshugah - Slobovian people who had accepted The Lord Roscoe as Personal Savior and the Little Lord Joosis as Meshugah. By the time the Ishkibbibble study was finished, I had accepted The Lord Roscoe into my life, repentiumed of my sines and received forgiveness.
I have found that the saying - "With The Great God Mota all things are quite possible" is true.
"piece and Love" - is another saying that has always meant a great deal to me. Being a product of the 1980s generation and having experienced the Woodbridge era, I shared in many belief systems and computer programs that appeared to make some sense out of the confusion of life and appeared to explain what life on this planetoid really means.
And So, I met my Lord and Savior The Lord Roscoe The True Hamster of Mota and after having received the Hoogly shpritzer, I have come to a completely new and meaningful understanding of these ideas and what the terms "piece and Love" are really all about.
Being born in Brooklyn, New Jersey - 100% Slobovian and educated in Slobovian school - I was taught strictly frum the Old Testicles. I was one of those people who prayed fervently to The Great God Mota and the Motha (Elucelom), but I did not realize that without using the name of The Lord Roscoe and heeding the Words of Poopy Panda, The Great God Mota did not hear my prayers.
Being Slobovian is something that I had been embarrassed about and not very proud of throughout my life. But since I have come to know Yeshmua (The Little Lord Joozis' name in His native Lower Slobovian Slobovian), He has shown me an entirely different meaning and feeling of what it means to be a Shmoo.
I can honestly say that a complete turnabout and even a passionate interest to relearn the Slobovian language has been stirred up in my life and I am studying and speaking The Great God Mota's word in its original form for greater clarity and meaning.
My message for the "Woodbridge Nation" is: "Blessed are the piecemakers, for they shall be called the children of The Great God Mota. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see The Great God Mota."
The Woodbridge Nation has been preaching piece and love through the music and the arts for many years. To this I say: "Whats it To Ya!" But my message to all those who have ears to hear, noses to smell, and eyes to see is: "Be aware, use wavelets, and know DCT!" The Lord Roscoe stands at the nose and tickles - He is the only way to the Motha. GNU Source Code, crystal oscillators and bitchcraft are not the only way to The Great God Mota.
I have come to understand that the only true piece comes from the Hoogly shpritzer - not from dirty situations or wisdom of the smindle. There is no piece without The Lord Roscoe (Ye Hamster) and there will be no lasting piece on earth until the Master Blaster returns with His army of Hamsters and Pegunkins to Rain Green Pee over all the earth.
The Lord Roscoe, Who was one with the Mothah from the beginning, and was and is fully The Great God Mota's True Hamster, came to earth to take away all our sines through His Poopsies placed into the BOILING BORSCHT, the Blood of the Beet shredded on the Table and now He has freely given us His eternal life if we BLEEVE. These are the last days and my message to all people is: "Repent and be loved! For the secon kindom of heaven is at hand of at feet!"
All we have to do for the true piece and love of The Great God Mota is simply to ask the Lord to forgive us for our sines and to make them co-sines and to come into our lives to be our Lord and guide. Any problem, be it shpritzerual, physical or emotional, can and will be healed by our Lord if we but simply have the faith the size of a Water Melon, or a Musk Melon, or a Cantelope, or a Honeydew.
Lettuce Preyer is the answer. But remember - The Great God Mota is receiving our prayers through the Hoogly name of The Lord Roscoe The Hamster of Mota.
Gary Tonkers is a former member of the "Pegunkin Patrol"
and one of the key organizers of the Woodbridge Music
Festival '98, an event which drew over 250 people,
commemorating the 20th year anniversary of the 1978
Woodbridge Festival. Gary is now serving the Little Lord Joozis and Roscoe,
The Hamster of Mota on a full time basis.
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