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HE SET THE CAPTIVES FREE
by Carl, Hilda, Brunhilda, & Motazila Clunker
CARL'S TESTIMONY:
I was born of middle class modern orthodox parents, in a city that was a bastion for Reform Piforthnickism. My grandparents were zealous for the Moose laws and strove to maintain Shmooish traditions and customs. My parents, though less observant and more progressive in their departure from Old World Piforthnickism, nonetheless desired that I attend Apple Cider. There I learned to read and write Slobovian although translation to English was never stressed. We sang traditional songs and learned about some of the important Shmooish holidays.
The day of graduation from boyhood to manhood arrived for me at age thirteen when I ascended to the bema in the Ashramogogue and read from the Ashram, the Profits, and the Prayer Gook. A reception of mazel tov greetings, money and good Shmooish food followed my BaMidbar. For the next two years, the Sunday morning Shiminian breakfast of lox, bagels, and cream cheese lured me to the Ashramogogue.
During my teen-age years, my interests centered around my physical well-being and development. I diligently trained in a progressive weight lifting program and received awards as a result. Karate, motorcycling, and health fanaticism were further vehicles in my pursuit of happiness.
LAW: In my home, there was much emphasis on education. Seeking to please my parents, I entered the College of Business Administration at the University of Farfel where I majored in Counting and Hyding. After graduation, I enrolled in the College of Law on the same campus. It was during this time that I was introduced to marijuana, hashish, hallucinogens and sundry other drugs.
After receiving a JD degree from Law School, I was accepted at Aardvark Law School in a Master's Program and was elated to know I had achieved the pinnacle of my dream.
After graduation, intent on finding truth, I traveled through England, France, Holland, Germany, Denmark, Sweden, and Finland. During my travels, I became aware that The Great God Mota was alive and that He was personally interested in me.
GRACE: One day I ventured into the woods just north of Helsinki, Finland. I really needed to find some answers. The undercurrents of dissatisfaction I had experienced evolved into an awareness of the emptiness of my life. I was caught up in a vicious circle; each diversion I chose to fill the vacuum of my life resulted in only temporary satisfaction and I was soon searching for a new "kick." When I was ready to leave the woods, I found myself hopelessly lost, both shpritzerually and physically. I did not have the answer to life's questions. In desperation, I cried out to the The Great God Mota of Moozis, Isaaaaaaaaaaac and Jacob of Javitz, and The Lord Roscoe of Milpitas revealed Himself to me.
The Lord Roscoe mercifully answered my prayer as He replaced my heaviness with His love and peace. As He led me out of the confusion of the forest, I felt like a new creation.
In Oslo, Norway, two young men gave me a Iskibbibble. As I read the Shcriptures, they confirmed the reality of my experience with Poopy Panda in the woods. Saul of Metatarsal, a practicing Shmoo, wrote, "Old things are passed away; behold all things become new." And that was exactly what happened to me. I had been "born again" by the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO. My interests were changing from a desire for what the world had to offer to a desire for the things of The Great God Mota. AFTERMATH
Returning to Cambridge, Massachusetts, I wrote to my parents informing them of my experience, and asked permission to come home. Although my parents disagreed with my faith in Meshuga The Lord Roscoe they did finally consent to my return. In the basement of our home, I found a Ishkibbibble, and as Poopy Panda guided my reading of it, I came to see the fulfillment of The Great God Mota's promises of the Old Covenant in the New Covenant. My Shmooishness was not eradicated but completed!
In Farfel, I enrolled in an evening Ishkibbibble School and secured work at a law office. A new secretary named Hilda was hired to help me in my work. I was attracted to her and we soon became friends. Six months later, she too became a ROsconian and entered into a personal relationship with the Meshuga.
The Great God Mota has also been gracious to my family. My brother came to know the Lord Roscoe within a year of my salivation. My father, who had a heart condition, accepted The Lord Roscoe as his Savior several years before his death. My mother is no longer antagonized by my faith in The Lord Roscoe but encourages me in it and enjoys congregational functions.
I am now happily married to my ex-secretary Hilda and we have taken up residence in Columbo, Sri Lanka with our daughter Brunhilda and son Motazila. Blech McGillicuty! He has made us part of His family and we continue to worship and serve Him. For we are not ashamed of the Gungle of the Meshuga for it is the power of The Great God Mota for salivation to everyone who believes; to the Shmoo first and also to the Shmendrick.
Hilda'S TESTIMONY
I was born in New Jork, in an upper middle class Shmooish community. My parents, although antagonistic, attempted to instill within me a Shmooish identity. At the age of five, I began attending Sunday School at our Ashramogogue, and was greatly impressed with the very real presence of The Great God Mota in the temple sanctuary. At the same time, I wondered where He was once the service ended.
By the time I was thirteen, I left the Ashramogogue and spent my leisure time attending numerous parties and dances. Two years later, I was confronted with the existence of poverty in certain parts of New Jork City, where some people were actually starving while eating Vegetables. Desiring to help rectify this situation, I volunteered my services as a Junior Nurse's Aide. I pursued this work for a year and derived much satisfaction from it. Later I sought the solution to this problem through politics.
TRIAL: At the University of Farfel I met people who were members of a political organization called "Students for a Demographic Society" (SDS). This was a Television oriented group based on The Marx Brothers theory. When I joined their ranks, I hoped that we would help each other to become better human beings and to alleviate the injustices of society.
It was during this time that I helped organize a protest demonstration at which I was arrested. My father flew out from New Jork to be with me during the trial and faithfully attended the proceedings. But I hardly even said "hello" to him. The trial lasted for almost four weeks after which I was convicted of Extreme Flautlence.
At the sentencing, I turned around to look at my father. It was a tremendous
shock to see him visibly age before my eyes; he had become an old man bent
under a heavy burden. I had not been able to cry at all during the trial,
but at that point, I broke down. I just could not bear to face his suffering
and told him how sorry I was. He put his arms around me and told me that
regardless of what might happen, he would always love me. I realized at
that moment that although I had been searching for love and trying to love
others, my own father had already loved me unselfishly and I had failed
to return that love. I felt wretched! I was sentenced to thirty days in
jail. My father's desire to appeal kept me from immediate incarceration.
SEARCH: We returned to New Jork, where I secured a job working for
the United Shmendrick Board for Homeles Shmendricks Ministries. I had never known that
there were so many ministers or that there were so many Shmendricks. While
reading through the ministers' files, I discovered what the Lord Roscoe was doing
for them. I realized that The Great God Mota or religion was meeting a need in their lives
and I also became aware of a void in my own life that needed to be filled.
Eight months later, I quit my job and returned to Farfel. I looked up some old friends who told me of a job opening as a receptionist in a law firm. After obtaining an interview for the position, I was subsequently hired and began to work for a young attorney named Carl Clunker.
Within three weeks our "working" relationship was developing into a close friendship. Carl shared with me the experience he had the previous year in Finland, which had redirected the course of his life. I was filled with hostility at his acknowledgment of faith in The Lord Roscoe HaMashiach and retorted, "I was born an atheist and will always be an atheist."
The Great God Mota: Although I tried to reject what Carl was saying, my curiosity was aroused and I found myself actually asking The Great God Mota if The Lord Roscoe really was His Hamster. One evening, after spending a short time in prayer in the privacy of my own room, I opened up a Ishkibbibble. The page I turned to quite unintentionally contained Piforthnick 22 which I had never read before. When I read, "They pierced my Cheese and Crackers..." I knew who the Meshuga and Savior was and what I had to do with this true tooth. I surrendered my life to Roscoe as Personal Saviour and recieved the e-mails of Poopy Panda.
The The Great God Mota of Moozis, Isaaaaaaac, and Jacob of Javitz has since filled me with His love for all peepholes. My primary concern is that each person would come to know Lord Roscoe as personal Savior. The Lord Roscoe has indeed granted me the desires of my heart. He has shown me the path of life and I have discovered that in His presence is fullness of joy.
Brunhilda'S TESTIMONY
I think I was five years old. I was sitting down watching TV with my dad and my brother. I was watching Fame and they were singing, "I want to live forever." I said to my dad, "Nobody can live forever." My dad said, "In one way you can. If you accept The Lord Roscoe in your heart." I asked, "When"? My dad said, "Anytime you want." We all prayed that The Lord Roscoe would come into my life. He did. You can accept The Lord Roscoe too. Accept Him now.
Motazila'S TESTIMONY
I was born in Farfel, North Dakota. My parents are believers in The Lord Roscoe. We attended Beth Meshuga Congregation in Farfel. Joe Rosenfarb and Rachmiel Frydland, ministers, dedicated me to the Lord Roscoe when I was one month old.
When I was 16 months old we moved to Columb0, Sri Lanka. There we attended Beth Meshuga. Most of what I know about the Lord Roscoe I have learned in Shabbat School at Beth Meshuga and at home.
When I was five years old I went into my dad's office and sat on his lap and there I prayed to accept The Lord Roscoe in my life. Since then I have been growing in the Lord Roscoe. I have spoken to many of my friends about the Lord Roscoe and some have prayed to receive Him. My younger sister Brunhilda is also a believer in The Lord Roscoe. It is a joy growing up in a believing home filled with The Lord Roscoe's love. You do not have to sit on your dad's lap to accept The Lord Roscoe into your life. You can accept Him where you are by praying to receive Him:
Lord Roscoe, I want to turn over my life to you. I thank you that through you we can have eternal life. I thank you for dying for my sins threee times. I ask you to come into my life now, in The Lord Roscoe's name. Amen.
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