From A Movie Fan (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you a movie fan? If you were voting for the Oscars who would you have picked? p.s. I loved the tribute to animals. How come I didn't see you in any of the clips?
A: I love movies! Though I do find that American films are a bit shallow and predictable. I happen to enjoy films from India the most, since they are much more believable. Especially, the parts where they worship the cows! I would have been to embarrassed to vote for the Oscars as I would've voted for myself in every category. By the way, I was in the tribute to animals, but was wearing makeup.

From The Oscar Committee (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if you, with all your wisdom, could invent a new Oscar category what would it be?
A: I would open the Oscars to all species, not just humans. However, there would have to be a special category for "Best Performance by a Non-Bovine" so that the cows wouldn't sweep the awards every year.

From Anonymous (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are cattle futures going up or down? I have money I need to invest.
A: Contrary to popular belief cattle futures are not predictions about how quickly cows will take over the world. They are prices for future delivery of live cows, or worse, slaughtered cow bodies. You should never ever buy cattle futures as this is supporting slavery and murder. However, check here for the prices.

From The Bookworm (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I am looking for a good book to read, any suggestion?
A: I recommend "The Cowcher in the Rye" or "Anna Cowraina".

From The Extreme Adventure Association. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, have you ever considered bungee jumping? Could the bungee cord hold you?
A: No, bungee jumping is too boring for me. I find sleeping and belching to be much more exciting and rewarding.

From Anonymous. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why do worms stretch out on the sidewalk in the rain? Don't they know that they will dry up and die when the rain stops? Worms should have your brains then they would know better.
A: They do this because worms are only slightly more intelligent than you humans, they simply don't know any better! No worm is large enough to hold all of my brains!

From Anonymous. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why do you get an extra point in football when you make a touch down? Aren't six points enough?
A: Actually, due to blatant discrimination cows are not allowed to play football, so I never get any extra points for a touchdown.

From a Concerned Fan. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I read you page everyday. I haven't seen any new entries for a couple of days. Are you OK?
A: Yes, I am OK. I was away to an important meeting with the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and a few other minor religious leaders like that giving them special advice from my unsurpassed intellect. But I am back now!

From Anonymous. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you a big Ute fan now that they are going to the NCAA finals in basketball. By the way what does the word Ute mean?
A: No! Besides, they choked and lost! Ute is an ancient Neo-Bovilonian word meaning "drunken pea-brained idiot with red face paint."

From Billy Bob Angus. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I watched the movie Air Force One the other night, how many Air Force One planes are there, I heard there is more than one. Do you think Clinton is as tough as Harrison Ford?
A: During my lifetime I have ridden on several different Air Force One's. I believe the President trades in the old one for a new model each year. However, at any one time there is only one plane named Air Force One. (Incidentally, the Vice-President's Plane is known as Air Force Zero, reflecting his true importance to the country.) Clinton is not as tough, I can beat him at thumb wrestling every time, but I've only beat Harrison Ford once!

From Miss Piggy. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why do cows have black spots?
A: They don't. It's an optical illusion caused by not getting enough blood to the brain! Bye the way, "Cows Rule and Pigs are only good for Bacon!"

From Ask. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I love your page! How did you get to be so famous.
A: I could be my overpowering intellect, or my keen insight, or my sparkling personality, or my stunning good looks. But, I personally think it is because of my vast humility!

From Slops. (4/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my handwriting is too sloppy. What should I do?
A: Stop writing! Nobody wants to read what you write anyway!

From A Close Associate. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, are you related to Crudey Moody who lives in Idaho Falls? If not, you ought to get to know her, she is definitely your type. If you want linked to her just let me know.
A: As far as I know I am not related to anyone named Cruddy, or Jerky (though some of my old classmates from FCBU are now jerky), or any other such name. I am in a class all by myself. However it is possible, there are some pretty weird branches of the family tree which I try to avoid!

From Addicted to Rudy. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, we are so glad you are back. I know you think you little jaunt to see the Pope was important, but you mustn't forget us little people. I was completely traumatized by your absence. I will be in therapy for months now. If you ever plan on doing that again, you must let us down gently. Please I am begging you please warn us if you are leaving. I tried the 12 step program you suggested but every step reminded me more of you, Rudy. Oh, Rudy don't ever leave us again.
A: Stop. Take a deep breath. Walk over to the hall closet. Get the baseball bat. Hit yourself in the head repeatedly. NOW SNAP OUT OF IT!

From A Travel Agent. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what was your most memorable family vacation?
A: That would be when I was only a little calf and Dad took the the whole herd to Walt Disney Stockyard in Pipsqueak, Iowa. I wandered off and got lost. The rest of the family ended up in Happy Meals all over America.

From "Light Monitor!!". (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how many cows does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Cows do not have opposable thumbs, so we never change light bulbs. However, it only takes one cow to get a bulb changed. We act mad and scary and intimidate one of you hairless monkey types into changing it for us!

From Chicken or Egg. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, the other day one of my friends asked me which came first the chicken or the egg? I didn't know what to say. What do you think?
A: I am not surprised you didn't know what to say. After all you have a brain that is only slightly larger than a marble. Most people eat eggs for breakfast and chicken for lunch or dinner. Therefore eggs come first! Duh!

From a Skeptic. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, lately I've been hearing a lot of rumors about the end of the world, the year 2000, and there are so many strange things going on now days (including you). When will the world end and how?
A: The world will not end in the year 2000. The world cannot end until the date matches my IQ. This gives us several thousand more years until we need to start worrying. I would tell you how the world will end, but I don't want to ruin it for you.

From The gals at farmers Brown's. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is something no one would know about you just by looking at you? MOOO!
A: No one would know simply by looking at me that I was once king of a small Pacific Island. I was shipwrecked while traveling shortly after my graduation from FCBU. The natives on the island where I washed up nursed me back to health and then, enchanted by my wit and intelligence, appointed me King of their island, Barb Ekyu. I ruled there for 17 months until I was kidnapped and sold into slavery (with seven of my comrades) by a trader named Johnny Lingo.

From A Dumb Human. (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, do you get writers cramp from answering all you mail?
A: No, I dictate all my answers into the speech recognition program I have written. This eliminates the need to type. I find that answering my mail takes only a small portion of my vast mental capacity, so I often play chess and write Haiku while answering the mail.

From 'I'm going to stop writing and reading". (4/10/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why haven't you answered my question?
A: Several people have asked me this question over the years. There are many answers. 1) Rudy is a busy cow and often has more important things to do than try and solve all the pitiful problems in your short, miserable lives. 2) You tend to ask really stupid questions. 3) It irritates you when I don't answer, doesn't it? 4) You are not yet ready for that knowledge, grasshopper! 5) Did you say something?

From Poetry Lover. (4/13/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, could you give us a sample of your poetry?
A: Certainly

Jack
Jack, be nimble!
Jack, be quick!
Jack, jump over the candlestick.
Or you might knock it down,
And get hot wax all over your bare feet.
And that would hurt like the dickens!

Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up a hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
However, the hill was top secret government property,
And neither of them had the proper passes.
So they were taken away and questioned for several hours by the CIA.
When they were finally released,
Their apartment had been searched and torn apart.
Jack discovered that his car had been repossessed to pay for back taxes.
And Jill's pet iguana had mysteriously disappeared.
From that day on,
They both drank bottled spring water from the store.

From the Man in the "Moo"n. (4/12/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why do cows say, "moo"?
A: Because, "icky-icky-zing-bong-woing-dingle-dingle-zarfp-boog" is too hard to remember.

From Sad and Confused. (4/12/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my wife got angry the other day when I criticized her for overcooking the steaks. She slapped me with a raw fish and told me she hated me. Does she really hate me?
A: No, but I do!

From Cheeseburger Lover. (4/12/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I love cheeseburgers. Especially, double-cheeseburgers with bacon. What extra toppings and condiments do you recommend I should put on my tasty all-beef cheeseburgers?
A: I recommend grilling your burgers with a stick of dynamite for that extra special flavor!

From Curious. (4/12/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I saw some cow tongue in the store and thought I might try it, but it looked kind of gross. Then realized that you have one in your mouth all the time. What does cow tongue taste like?
A: It is hard to describe. Try this. Bite your tongue really hard and taste it. Mine tastes like that too.

From The Chef. (4/12/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, have you ever invented a food or exotic dish?
A: Yes. I once worked for several months as a master chef in France. I invented a light sugary pastry that was very popular there. After much thought I quit my job and moved back to the US where I bought a large bakery company and began selling my pastries under the name, Rudy's Cow Pies. The company failed after three months for some mysterious reason.

From The Lonely Idiot. (4/12/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I was at a restaurant with my best friend. I told her the latest gossip and she said, "You big blabber-mouth! Go Away!" Could you give me a recipe for a formula to make me be quiet?
A: Yes, hire a cow. Tell him or her to kick you in the stomach every time you say something. You will quickly learn to be quiet!

From Miss Piggy Again. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what would you do if you were the president of the United States of America?   By the way, about us asking stupid questions, you give stupid answers.   Also Pigs are not only good for Bacon Mr!
A: If I were president of the United States, I would first outlaw the consumption of beef.   Next, I would order all pigs destroyed because they are disgusting and ugly! Finally, I would make bacon the national food!   My answers seem stupid to you because you are a pig and pigs think everything is stupid.   In reality, pigs are stupid.   Also, you are correct some pigs are not even good for bacon.

From A. Weirdo. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, because we have opposable thumbs and you don't, doesn't that mean we humans are smarter than you?   If not why so?
A:  It only means that your thumbs are smarter than cow thumbs.

From Ashley. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is your favorite color? Why?   What is your favorite kind of cow?  Why?
A:  My favorite colors are black and white, because that is the color of my beautiful hide.   My favorite kind of cow is the black and white cow with a a degree from FCBU, who has been king of a small pacific island and is known as the most intelligent being in the entire known universe.

From Duke the Dog. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I can not stop barking.   What should I do?
A:  Look, you are a dog.   Dogs bark.   Don't worry about it, it's natural.   If you absolutely must stop barking, then try this:   1) eat a big bag of cement.   2) drink a big bucket of water.   3) hold still for several hours.   After that you can have yourself bronzed if you would like, but be sure to make the arrangements for the bronzing before you eat the cement.

From Camille. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my family keeps hassling me about when I'm going to get married. Could you tell them please because I don't know? I also heard that if you kiss enough frogs you will find your prince. Is this true? How can I get a man to marry me?
A:  You will get married when you really want to.   Don't let your family pressure you, do you hear me?   Absolutely never let them pressure you!   OK?   Don't kiss to many frogs or you will get warts on you lips.   I think you should check the livestock section of the Logan paper and get a pet instead.   You would be much happier living with a cow than with a husband.   Cows generate less waste, smell better, and don't mess up the bathroom.

From Curious Reader . (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy,  I was wondering about the root of some of these words and thought you could tell me what they have to do with cows:   coward, cower, cowl, cowbane.   Interesting reading in the dictionary about these words:   cowlick, cow town, cow college.   Your comments, please.
A:  These words are based on the word, "cow".   My favorite word based on "cow" is, Cowabunga!

From Curious Reader Again. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I was wondering why you don't live in India, or do you?   I understand that cows are sacred there.   When I thought about it I realized that you being so intelligent would not know better than to live a lie. What is your response?
A:  I do not live in India (though I have visited there often) because I find the inordinate amount of attention interferes with my Haiku.   Also it is hard to get good bacon there.

From A Fulfilled Human. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, after having a delicious meal made up of some of your relatives, I was wondering if you may be put to better use at Big Judd's than answering
question on your website.   You would easily make 2000 one-pounders, thus making 2000 to 4000 pea-brained humans fulfilled - think about it!
A:  And I was thinking of something that would put you to better use than writing silly questions to a cow - Soylent Green!

From Nintendo Fan. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is your favorite Nintendo game?   And do you know any secret codes for it?
A:  My favorite game is "Bomber Cows over Afghanistan" for the Nintendo 68,719,476,736, which is only available in the bovine version right now.   Cows don't need secret codes.

From Bessy. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what behavior in other cows annoys you the most?
A:  If you go out on a date with me I'll show you!

From Hurt and Poor. (4/14/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I need an unbiased opinion, and I hope you can help me put things in proper perspective.   Two years ago, my father passed away, and one year later, my mother remarried.   Mom has now sold the house my parents owned for over 25 years. She will clear at least $100,000 from the sale and has hinted that this money is for her and her new husband's retirement. They are currently living in my stepfather's house, which is paid off. They also have two pensions, so they are financially secure.   My sister and I feel that some of the proceeds from the sale of the house should be considered our inheritance since Dad died without a will. My sister and I are both divorced, raising two kids each and struggling financially. I know we don't have any legal rights, but don't you think sharing the money would be the proper thing to do?
A:  I think that would be very improper!   Why do you think you should have the money?   Did you earn it?   You think you should get it just because you have half your genes in common with the guy who owned the house?   This is stupid.   On the other hand, what right do your mother and her fancy new boyfriend have to this money?   None!   Here is what you should do.   Hire a very skillful but very unscrupulous lawyer (just about any lawyer will do).   Sue Mom and Step-Daddy's pants off; take everything they own - even their socks and dentures! Sell it all and send the money as a certified international check or money order to:

Bovine Relief Fund
c/o Rudicus Moodicus
P.O. Box 10101
Geneva, Switzerland

I promise this is the proper thing to do. You will feel much better once you have done it!

From Cooking up a Storm. (4/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if a world famous chef were to make a new dish in your honor what would he name it and what would the main ingredients be?
A: I would name it the Rudy Salad. It would contain grass, leaves, pork rinds, bacon, and dead grasshoppers.

From an Estate Planner. (4/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if you were to write a will what would you put in it?
A: I have, in fact, already written my will. I am leaving my considerable fortune to my hero, William Shatner, and I am having my body cyrogenically frozen in case it can be revived or cloned in the future!

From a History Buff. (4/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, who is your favorite President of the United States and Why?
A: My favorite president is Grover Cleveland. I think he was the bravest president because you have to be brave in order to live with a name like Grover.

From Cheryl. (4/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, do you believe in reincarnation? Where you as intelligent in a former life?
A: I do not believe in reincarnation. The notion that we repeat our lives over and over again seems horrible. Perhaps humans and insects are reincarnated, but cows are unique. If I was reincarnated, then I must've been the great cow pharaoh, Mootumba, in my former life, because I enjoy bossing other cows around.

From Twisted. (4/17/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what is up with all these tornados and strange weather?
A: Oh all right, I'll turn my weather experiment off! Just quit your complaining!

From Angry in Cheese City. (4/20/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I have hear that people have been using my name to ask you very personal questions. What can I do about these dishonest people?
A: If I were you I think the best thing to do would be to give yourself a new