From May 1998
From A Housewife (5/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my house seems to be a mess all the time. I feel like all
I do is pick up after other people. What can I do to get them to pick up
after themselves??
A: I would weld a vacuum cleaner to their stomachs and backs.
This way all the crumbs will be sucked up as soon as they hit the ground.
If you ar worried about bigger items, then us a large shopvac!
From Another Housewife (5/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, do you know any way to get the laundry and dishes done faster?
A: Yes, you can clean the dishes faster by putting a bit of steak sauce
on them and leaving them next to the dog house. To do the laundry
faster, just throw all your clothes away when they get dirty and buy new
ones! I personally never worry about this one as I just use
my naturally attractive hide all the time; yet another way that cows are
superior to humans!
From Tom, in Mesa (5/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, we are turning out students who can't balance a checkbook,
can't make change from a cash register and can't understand directions
from a manual. The private and religious schools consistently
beat the public schools in test scores. We need to get back
to basics in math, English, and geography. We need to
drop bilingual courses. When my grandfather came to America from Italy,
the first thing he did was learn English. He didn't demand that everyone
else speak Italian. The attitude today is if you don't want
to do something or you don't meet the requirements for a job, you sue and
claim "unfair business practices" or "discrimination."
It's time we turn America around. If you want a good job, stay in school.
If you choose to drop out, OK, but don't expect the rest of us to support
you. It's just my opinnion what's yours?
A: I think you should quit moaning about the kids and learn to spell opinion
properly!
From The Papergirl (5/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, I was listening to the farm report this morning and they mentioned
something about a liver fluke. I didn't catch what they were talking about.
Could you tell me what a liver fluke is and how you get rid of it?
A: A liver fluke is when you just happen to have a liver by a fluke
of fate. You don't need to worry as this only happens to real
people, not ones made of paper!
From A Tree Hugger (5/1/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, what would you consider the proper activity to do on
earth day?
A: Blow horns really loud at midnight and throw earth at each other.
From Renee (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how can I look like you and do what you do?
A: You should have your head removed and replaced with a cow's
head (preferably brains intact), be sure to include the horns!
I don't actually do anything, I just sit around and annoy people!
From A. Weirdo (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, could you please prescribe a really, really, really
good book series for us humans?
A: You should read my 13 volume series entitled, The Rise and
Fall of Fleas on my Hide. Be warned that the series is written
entirely in Neobovalonian. Still the plot is very good!
From the 911 operator (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, if someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
A: Technically, yes. However, unless it is a cow, its hardly
worth worrying about, now isn't it?
From a Sighted Driver (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, why do they have Braille on the drive through bank machine?
A: So that the blind people who repair the machines will know which
buttons are which!
From a Frustrated Laundress (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, how do I get the dryer to quit eating socks.
I thought when my family diminished I wouldn't have that problem, but in
spite of less laundry, I still have that problem - socks disappearing.
What can I do?
A: There is nothing you can do except start using a clothesline.
Years ago when dryers were invented they began creating a strange distortion
in hyperspace which turned out to be very annoying to our closest neighbors
in space, the AlphaBovines. They sent a spaceship to Earth to destroy
the planet. Upon arriving they sent a delegation to the group
they thought were responsible for the irritation, cows. We
informed them that it was not our fault and they then prepared to obliterate
the human species. However, one of our delegates discovered
that socks are a rare gourmet delicacy on AlphaBovine and negotiated an
agreement whereby the AlphaBovines would not destroy the Earth or any of
its inhabitants in exchange for the right to seize any socks from the drying
machines via an interstellar hyperspace portal device. Since
that time, socks have disappeared by the millions. Do not complain
about this, think of it as the price you pay not to be obliterated!
From a Bird Lover (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my bird has quit singing - I miss his melodious music
- what do you recommend?
A: First wash the bird. Next, rub the bird with olive
oil. Then powder it lightly with a mixture of wheat flour,
sage & tarragon. Finally place it in the oven at 350 degrees
until golden brown on the outside. Serve with parsley and a
light mustard sauce.
From Electrically Frustrated (5/6/98)
Q: Hey Rudy, my computer locks up on me for no apparent reason -
what am I doing wrong? Help!
A: To get your computer to stop crashing, send your credit card number
and expiration date to:
Bovine Computer Repair
c/o Rudicus Moodicus
P.O. Box 10101
Geneva, Switzerland
Once your account has been charged the minor maintenance fee (amount depends on your card's credit limit) your computer will be fixed remotely using the patented scam-o-tron invented by yours truly and it will never crash again! I promise!