April 23, 2000
Feeling better and feeling free.

Well, Mike and I made a concerted effort to keep Pauline out of my hair for a couple days. Friday night we went out to dinner and then went and bought my dresser at Homebase. We made a point of coming back late, in fact. I went and laid down, he told her when she came to the door that I was sleeping. I wasn't, but I wanted to be alone. Let's not forget to mention that even though Mike and I had taken special pains to get her the bus schedule on how to get to and from her new job, that I gave her a ride in the morning to work because I was going near there anyhow and she'd arranged a ride to get home in the afternoon. I'd been sick all day with the nausea thing and at 3PM, she called and wanted to know if I'd drop everything and come get her -- apparently she'd given her other ride the wrong street corner. When I told her I was too sick to drive, she wanted Mike to come get her. I explained that he was working and really couldn't do that right now. He'd stayed home with me and I was sick and I knew he wouldn't want to leave, especially because we had to leave within the hour for the doctor's office. Mike's been trying to get his hours in any way he can because we need the money. I offered that we could leave in half an hour to get her when we left, but of course, she wanted to be picked up immediately.

Pauline called yesterday morning at 930 and she knows blessed well that we're not normally functioning before 10, but she called anyway. I was kind of short, but I didn't want to get into things right then and there, so I just got off the phone.

We took Bear to church to the Easter Egg Hunt at 1030 and I simply didn't want to go home. So we drove. We ended up going to my favorite fruit stand and picking up some veggies for stir-fry dinner. Afterwards we drove to a nursery I've always wanted to go to, but have always missed finding somehow. This time, the signs were very well marked and we found it fine. It was a wonderful place.

They had so many very wonderful and cool plants. They had unusual varieties of irises, about 6 species of lavenders and some stunning varieties of roses. The thing that really drove me over the edge was the awesome assortment of heirloom tomato varieties. The guy gave me one for free just because he didn't really know enough about them to make comments on them and I'd asked about them. He said if I'd come back and tell me how it did, he'd give it to me for free, so I promised. I also got the most amazing pale purple morning glory and this pretty jasmine with pink flowers that smells spectacular and was quite reasonably priced.

The guy told me about some awesome herb farm on the same exit as the Costco, so we drove down there and then drove several miles out into the country and found nothing but vineyards and nice houses and lovely landscapes. Poor us! Mike and I giggled about how it sooooo sucked to not find the herb farm and to get all this eye candy instead. Ha!

When we couldn't find this herb farm and a pedestrian we asked about it didn't know anything about it, we headed out and decided to stop at Costco. While we were there, I was contracting up and down the aisles, but I'm kind of indifferent to it at this point. It happens. I breathe. It goes away. If it's here to stay then it'll come back serious and hard. I'm just indifferent to these practice rounds at this point. When I get to blood show or the contractions worsening rather than staying the same forever, then I will know it's the real thang.

We didn't get much at Costco, but it was nice to wander and find the cheesecake samples and the rocking cast-iron lawn furniture. Costco rocks, simply put. I mean where else can a very pregnant woman get cheesecake and a comfortable rocking chair, that doesn't involve someone making a run to the store on her behalf?

Last night, we got back to Davis and I made dinner. Mike's been slowly constructing the bureau we bought for me on Friday night. Pauline came over once, and I dove for the bedroom and Mike told her that I was laying down. She said she'd been calling and stopping by all day. It made me glad that we'd left for the day. Mike told her that we'd been out all day and that I was just resting. It was true, I just had been resting in the livingroom, not in the bedroom!

Today, there was a hang up on the phone at 9 with no message. We went out for Easter breakfast and when we came back, I went down for a nap. Pauline, of course, came over and Mike told her the truth: I was sleeping. He also told her that I was feeling a little overwhelmed with attention to the "baby" and that I just wanted some alone down time.

At 2pm she called and left a message on voice mail. I heard a little of it and then just deleted it. It was very self-centered and just missing the point. At 210 she came over to give me my house key because she seemed to think our friendship was over. The thing is that it's not over, she's just insecure, but she doesn't really need the key because she's not watching Bear anyhow, so it doesn't really matter. I know to her it was supposed to be a big dramatic thing, but it really wasn't to me. Drama is in the eye of the beholder.

I stepped outside with her and I told her point blank that I was feeling frustrated because it didn't seem like she was listening and that I felt like I'd said the same things over and over again. I told her that we'd discussed that I would let her know if I wanted to have someone there or not and then the next night, she told me that if I went into labor that I could leave Russell with Stephanie and that we were to pick her up. Her jaw dropped and she teared up and I felt like a big awful ogre, but I told her that she didn't seem to be listening to me at all and that it was very frustrating. She said that I didn't seem to be able to make up my mind and I told her that I shouldn't have to.

Then Stephanie came outside, so I brought her into my bedroom, closed the door and window, to give us privacy and tried to talk to her. The thing is that it's still all about her to her. It's not about what I need or what I want. It's about what she needs and wants and I realize that that is a function of her abusive past, but it makes it really hard to contend with. I'm pregnant and therefore, I am very much about taking care of myself and this baby right now. The world be damned.

I told her I love her and that I simply needed my space right now. She said something about Stephanie being here and that being OK with me and I told her it was simply because with Stephanie there's nothing confrontational and that makes it easy for me right now. She left teary and said she'd give me my space. She seems so sure our friendship is over. I wish she wasn't so insecure because I am so clear how not over our friendship is, but how much I require my personal boundaries to be respected. I know she hasn't had hers respected much of her life, so it's hard for her to see and respect other people's boundaries without a lot of asskicking. I'm just too darned tired to kick her ass and coddle her at the same time. As Mike's grandma said of his mom regarding the elopement,"She'll get over it."

She's so unsure of how loved she is. It's okay. She'll still be the first person I call after Russell. She'll just be home when I tell her, which may not fit her vision, but it will certainly fit mine.

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4/23 11192116