And it gives me some baby reprieve. I'm so sick to death of baby everything. Mike's family calls constantly. The neighbors ask constantly. I called Pauline just to say hi and her first words were "Are you in labor?" Bless my parents, but they don't call. I called my mom last night and told her the news and told her I was really upset about it. She and I talked about a lot of stuff and she was just really wonderful about listening to me bitch and rage about being so pregnant and waiting and diabetic and scared.

I am upset because I'm scared to death this baby is going to be huge and I'm going to be trying to deliver this huge 9-10lb baby during my first round of natural birth. There's a good chance that the natural birth of a baby that big will involve lots of tearing and therefore, lots of healing and with my diabetes, lots of healing badly. Of course, the doctor said, two days won't make a huge amount of difference to her size, even if it does make a huge amount of difference to my sanity. And rationally, of course, he's correct, but who the hell says I'm rational right now? He also said that I'd be well within my rights to request a c-section considering the circumstances. Gee, thanks, doc. I am not looking for 2 months of recovery time or more, thanks. I've been quite specific about that. I'm just hoping that we aren't waiting too long, that I won't have gone through a shitload of pain and labor to be told that I'll be getting a c-section afterall. I think that was what was so difficult with Russell -- that after all that waiting (15 days) and labor (36 hours), I had to have a c-section anyhow.

I'm just so despondent. I so desperately want to see her and at the same time, I so desperately want things as natural as possible. I've done everything I possibly could with regards to my diabetes to keep her healthy and well and small enough.

I also want off the insulin. The fact that we have to wait until Monday means that I have to go buy one last dose of insulin and isn't that a slap in the face. I don't ever want to buy this shit again as long as I live. And I know that the percentages are that I'll be taking insulin at some point because I've been dependent on it during my pregnancy, but right now, in this little instant of NOW, I don't ever want to see a needle or a tiny glass ampule of insulin again. I want to feel free of the grips of the disease. It seems so stupid to type 1 diabetics I'm sure, but type 2's get off the insulin...they go back to dieting and exercise to manage their sugars. I want that. I have bought the big expensive stroller just for that purpose. The pool's open. I've learned my food plan backwards and forwards and adhered to it. I am one of the best diabetics these OB/GYN's have ever had or seen. I keep my sugars so tight, you could pluck them like a guitar string and they'd twang.

I'm scared out of my mind. I'm exhausted. My back aches. I'm having contractions throughout the day and serious ones and it's like one big gigantic tease. I keep thinking any time now, I'll have this beautiful girl in my arms, I can toss the insulin and needles away and I'll have my body back and this whole new life to learn to live with Genevieve.

And what I wouldn't give for things to just happen naturally between now and Monday. And everyone will say, "Well, if you weren't so stressed out about it, it'd probably happen."