Mike's restless because I'm up and not sleeping and I won't come to bed. He's asked me to come back, but I can't. My body hurts too much and I'm so worried. I realize worrying won't solve anything, but I'm doing it nonetheless.

I keep asking myself over and over: how are we going to do this? How are we going to pay all the bills and eat? I was happy because we were finally going to get caught up on Christmas, but judging from what I've heard and seen so far, we won't be caught up until next Christmas. I've got to figure out which Peter to rob because Paul won't wait on his dough.

I wish Mike would graduate already. His education seems like it's taking forever. Granted, he had only gotten through part of his sophmore year and had a crapload to make up when I met him because of his freshman year flunk-out, but I feel like I'm going nuts waiting for our lives to begin.

And right now, I'm pissed at Mike because he's doing his usual thing for winter quarter, i.e., a half-assed job. He's only been getting C's mostly and he's better than that, but he's been too busy screwing around playing games. I laid into him yesterday about the game playing. I told him he'd have a few weeks he could play AFTER the quarter was over and before the baby got here and that he could study rather than play in the interim. He agreed.

I will kill him if he has to retake any more freakin' classes. I never did stuff like that. I got one F and one D my whole college career, but I didn't spend my career retaking the classes I flunked. I think that's part of what pisses me off -- he's spent a lot of time retaking classes that he should have done right in the first place. I know that's stupid. People do things as they do them, but this sucks!

Of course, I should talk. I'm 36 and not making enough to pay back student loans and support two kids. Just goes to show you how much a 3.0 GPA and a bachelor's degree actually matter when it comes to making $$.

*sigh*

I know eventually we'll get through this. It's just I feel so worried. And what's worse is that I'm worrying about worrying because if I'm stressed my sugars get bad and if my sugars are bad, I can hurt the baby. I think I've just about worried myself into a hole today.

Okay, just so you know I'm a pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of gal, I have done a few things to try to make things better.

First, I called Canon Marcia. She's a priest at my church and while I'm not wildly religious, she and I click and I trust her judgement. I also know that if there are resources at the church that could help put food on the table, she'll know about them.

Second, I called benefits. I started asking about taking disability and when I could take it and what vacation, sick leave, etc., I have to use. I asked about increasing my life insurance, changing my beneficiaries and fortunately for me, they had all the right answers. In addition, I have an appointment with someone named Amy on March 9th, who can lead me through the maze of what paperwork I need to sign and submit to whom and when. I feel vastly relieved about it.

I know I could also take Family Leave if I wanted to, but I don't know that I do. I am scared to be without the money, but if we didn't have childcare, it might be ok through the summer. If I could arrange to work part-time via telecommuting through the summer, then it might work out fine and I know that was offered to me at one point (They really like me at my job!). It might mean that I put my time in at night when Mike gets home, but I'd be willing to do it, to have the extra money available.

I am tired today...really tired. That's what I get for worrying half the night.

And while it's more information than you wanted, my ass still hurts.