A lot of why we were not going to get married for a year was because I was going to file bankruptcy (and for a while I could have filed on my student loans, but no longer) and because I didn't want to bring my student loan debt into our marriage. The problem is that I can't get away from the debt, so the biggest reason for delaying being married is really gone. And there are a lot of reasons to get married: insurance, married student housing, being able to declare one another as dependents with our income, etc. Also for the connectivity of it. We both were raised in families that believed strongly in the value of marriage and while we're both pretty open-minded and have been shacking up with each other for a while, we've always known that we wanted the pomp, circumstance and ceremony of being married.

So today, I'm going to ask Canon Marcia about us getting married and what she suggests. We are thinking about doing something quick and legal now with the idea of doing something more elaborate in a year, after he graduates, as we had originally planned. Either way, it's important to me that whatever we do be under the auspices of my church.

I'm not super religious. I'm spiritual, but somehow when I walked through the door of that church, I felt like I'd come home. There are few places in the world that a person can ever feel at home and for me there are only two: where I live with my family and my church. I think that the thing that won me over is that on my first visit to the church, Canon Marcia gave the *sermon* about Generation X'ers, commenting on the juxtaposition of things like MTV and the ten commandments. At that point, I knew somehow I'd come home.

I think her availability later when we talked about some of my chaotic past experiences helped, too, and I actually felt compelled to give a confession. I remember part of me watching me and making fun of myself, but it was freeing. On the heels of that confession, I became involved with Michael, who has been the light of my life. It was as if with the burden of that past set aside, I could start anew. And I did. It was also in that instant that I forgave myself for my past and all the abuse I'd allowed myself to endure. I'd known for some time that God had forgiven me. That wasn't the point to me. I hadn't forgiven me and really, that's the starting point of healing for all victims of abuse -- forgiveness of oneself.

Forgiving your tormenter(s) may or may not happen -- I realized that my tormenters were sick and like most sick people, you should give them space, wash your hands and take precautions.

At any rate, Mike and I are contemplating getting legally married and then getting ceremonially married in a year, as originally planned. We don't want to tell our families because they'll want the ceremony and we can't afford it yet. I can't afford the stress, honestly.

I need to talk it over with Canon Marcia and see if she'd be willing to perform the ceremony outside the walls of the church now and within the walls of the church later when we can afford it.