I've done all the diets.

• The Cambridge diet. It's one of those liquid diets where you mix their evil powder with some diet drink or water and then choke it down, gagging all the way. I think it was eventually removed from the market because women were dying from kidney failure.
• The Pritikin Diet. Who the hell can eat that rye crisp cracker shit and stewed tomatoes anyhow?
• Herballife. Geesh, I've never choked down such an assortment of pills and potions in my whole life. I remember the cup of aloe vera juice vividly and suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty.
• Weight Watchers. They change their freaking diet plans regularly because it's so fucking boring. Generally, the diet is a good and healthy one, but their presentation is pretty boring (and the frozen entrees have more sodium than the Morton Girl) , which means that every time you go to one of their weekly pep rallies, it bores the crap out of you and you lose interest. That and your weigh-ins are in front of other people which is probably the most humiliating experience ever.
• Bulimia. Hey, if you don't mind the mental illness, you can lose weight this way. I don't recommend it, however.
• The American Diabetes Association Food Plan. If you're doing this, you probably wish you'd done the other stuff first. The motivational factor with their plan is terror. If you don't do it, you'll die and you'll do so slowly, painfully, and piece by piece in front of friends and family.

  At any rate, Beth asked her readers if they were on a diet. I posted the following:

  I'm on the do or die diet. Truthfully, it's the do or die food plan.

  I got diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes (adult onset) on July 16, 1999. I was told that the single best thing I could do was to lose weight because smaller fat cells mean that you become less resistant to your own insulin. I was given a 1200 calorie food plan and suggestions for exercise. I followed through and lost 20-30lbs in a few weeks' time. That much weight loss changed my cycle and I got pregnant.

  Since I've been pregnant, I'm on an 1800-2400 calorie food plan, and I've lost an additional 25 lbs (or more). I know I'm down three or four dress sizes and I've got more to go. In my third trimester, I know I'm continuing to lose weight off me, because the baby's getting bigger, but I'm not losing or gaining any weight.

  I'm on the most terror-motivated food plan of my life because diabetics die in pieces...they lose their arms, legs, kidneys, eyes (men get impotent). I don't want to die like that in front of myself, my children, and my family. Diabetics are more prone to heart disease because glucose and certain types of fat form things like triglycerides and clog the arteries. Diabetes is the seventh biggest killer in the U.S. And I've done the diet route: Cambridge, Pritikin, Weight Watchers, Herbal life, slim fast, bulimia. I've done it all. Diets don't work.

  In my food plan, I don't deprive myself of all things yummy. I just eat a lot less of them. Instead of having that pint of Ben and Jerry's, I have one scoop. Instead of having three beef tacos, I have two chicken tacos and a bunch of salad.

  Diabetes affects 15 million Americans and only 10 million are currently diagnosed. Doctors are bemoaning the increasing numbers of Americans contracting this disease due to obesity or a sedentary lifestyle. (See http://www.diabetes.org/ada/facts.asp) My nutritionist said that adult onset diabetes starts up to 15 years before it manifests itself. Trust me, this is not a climax worth building towards.

  I think about eating well and exercising as lifelong commitment to preventing one of the most insidious diseases I could ever get. I wish I had done that a long time ago. If you think about eating a lot of crap as the express ticket to losing a limb or your sight, you'll never diet again.

  I don't need willpower because I've got terror.