Ethel and Esther have always shared a place on my chest together. When I was about 8, they started to develop beyond nipples on my chest. They became full-fledged boobies by the time I hit menarche at age 12.

My mother used to comment on how lucky I was to have a chest and how she'd yearned to be "stacked." You see, my mother is a charter member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I am a member of the Big-Breasted Broad Club. Apparently, I got my tits from my father's side of the familiy. Bizarre, ain't it?

Ethel and Esther's size has always been problematic. Men tend to talk to them, rather than me. I've had men have entire conversations with those slutty tits of mine and totally ignore me. Dude, landing on them in sand while playing volleyball at the nudie beach just hurts. Not only are they everywhere I just was, but they rarely are anywhere I want to be. Finding bras that fit is a pain in the ass. I used to run into that with Russell, but what I am always a little embarrassed about is how ecstatic I am when I find a bra, particularly a nursing bra that fits, especially an off the shelf bra that fits. I found some at Sears. And then my boobies grew a cup size.

And my final bitch with regards to their size: I sleep on my side and my back, massages are uncomfortable, and I can't comfortably lay on my stomach to put my feet in my husband's lap for a rub down.

Now, lately, being that I not only nurse, but pump milk for my baby, I've had to spend a lot of time with my breasts. And I've discovered a few things about these twin sisters.

1. Esther(righty) is the underdog boobie of the nursing set. She's got a smaller nipple, her milk ducts are smaller, but the girl delivers when stimulated. Ethel (lefty) on the other hand, has a larger nipple, larger milk ducts and brags loudly about being the one closest to my heart.
2. Schreiber babies definitely prefer Ethel because the girl delivers "RIGHT THIS DAMNED SECOND!" and drops all of her milk at once and then rolls over and goes to sleep. Esther on the other hand, delivers and delivers, over and over again. It would be safe to say that Ethel is the "man" boobie and that Esther is the "woman" boobie.
3. Now, due to the fact that Ethel is so damned popular, the baby likes her better and she produces more milk as a result of all that sucking. Poor Esther tries, but Genny doesn't like her as well and as a result, she usually produces half as much milk as Ethel. If I stimulate Esther by using the pump, she responds by producing a lot more milk, which Genny loves, but which she may not want to work as hard for next time.
4. Now, the other item is that Esther is a much smaller boobie these days because of her waning popularity with Ms. Gennybug. But I like her, she usually doesn't blow milk all over Genny's face like Ethel does in her exuberance to deliver all that milk right now. I don't have to use a towel to prevent Esther from spraying milk three feet away from my body.

Sigh.

I could be spending way too much time with my tits.