At 29, Stacey wasn't wholly ready to settle down. She wasn't quite ready to quit her job bartending, and she certainly wasn't ready to give up recreational drugs, no matter how much he protested. But the judge was a good man... the best man she had ever known. Together they could better raise the three children she already had, and perhaps they could even add another in time. She rather liked the idea of being pregnant again.
Stacey was also very special to Bets Cole. As her best friend, she would often watch after Bets' daughters, particularly when Bets was in hospital, which had been quite often in recent years. When they were together, the two friends liked to think of themselves as "D & D" -- Desparate and Dangerous -- although it was never quite clear to anyone which one of them was which. Sometimes they were both desparate, seeking escape from the trials of single parenthood, Bets being separated and Stacey divorced. Other times, they were both dangerous, and woe be to any man who crossed them. Stacey's vivaciousness could serve as a balance to Bets' intellect. Her carefree way with men offset Bets' intensity. Yet Bets was in many ways the more daring of the two, the first to plunge into a fight, verbal or real, and the first to put her heart on the line for another person.
It was Bets who brought Stacey and Judge Carl together. She had taken the judge to Stacey's bar for drinks and a rack of pool. It really hadn't surprised Bets when the two of them seemed to hit it off almost immediately. They were, after all, her two best friends. And over the years that followed, they became a closely knit threesome, often spending the night at one another's houses, talking and drinking till all hours and the dawn. Stacey often wondered to herself whether Bets and Judge Carl had been lovers before her introduction, but she never brought it up with either of them. She figured that knowing, one way or the other, could not have made their friendship any deeper, nor could it pull them apart. They were inseparable.
So it was that when Judge Carl came over to her house that Friday afternoon in August, Stacey flew into a rage over the note and floppy disk from Bets.
"How the hell could she do this?" Stacey shouted after reading Bets' message. "That fucking Jeremy... this is his fault! I'll kill him if anything happens to Bets."
"Nobody's fault," said Judge Carl. "Bets is her own woman. She's going through hell, and she's dealing with it the only way she can. Now it's up to us to help her. And to do that, we've got to find her first. Do you have any idea where she might have gone? Could she be up at the cabin?"
Stacey was cussing so much she couldn't think, so Judge Carl took the floppy over to her computer and pulled open the one file folder he found there. It contained three documents, one each labeled Carl, Stace, and Jeremy. He opened his own first, and it was a screen image of the very same note Bets had used to wrap the floppy in.
By the time you read this, I'll be gone. Don't try to find me... it won't be possible... and you know how good I can vanish...
Carl, I love you dearly. Like the sun and rain, I need you as I need the elements I just mentioned. I would simply fade away without all three. My love for Jeremy, is different. It is true from the heart love. It is love I have never let my soul experience. I also would fade away without it. Yet, it will be my fading, I know it will, simply because Jeremy, as with most of the men who are dear to me, is unreachable.
It is not his fault, it is my own. I reinforced an image in his heart of the man I wanted, and he reinforced the man he wanted to be at the time. He was being my best friend. And in the process he fell truly fell in love. Jeremy has also never truly let anyone love him. The ordeal is of such great magnitude that not even he understands what the value of having true love is. There is no amount of money that can be placed on these feelings. Yet, I must add, it would help to have a lot of money to help deal with them.
Jeremy's pain must be twice or thrice more painful than mine. Because he can not stop his thinking process, he only knows one way, and this is to drift away from me. My arms are not long enough to scoop him up and pull him in. He will drift from the woman he loves and from the woman who is dying.
Carl, even if there was a ray a hope that the doctors could help me, Jeremy would still drift. The thought of me dying would always linger in his mind. My only hope, is that he will not forget. He has never said this to me. Nor would he say this to me. Yet, I just know. The thought of me dying in his arms would kill him. What I can not get through to him, is that his arms could be the very thing that could keep me alive for many years to come. I have never told him this. And no, he has not realized this. Perhaps he will in the future. And most likely it will be too late. I can not tell him these things. He has to come to this understanding of our love on his own.
I love you, Carl. My love for you is much greater than life itself. My love for Jeremy is quite simple. He and I are just unversed, when it comes to love. Thank you, my friend for your shoulders all these years. You are a most wonderful man. I wish you great happiness and a lot of patience with Stace. You will need them.
Forever
It did not take Stacey long to vent her initial anger. By the time she calmed down, Judge Carl had opened the document with her name on it and had it up on the screen.
"You had better read this yourself first, Stace," he said, leaving her alone at the computer. "I'm going to make a couple of phone calls. Maybe we can get a fix on where she's not, even if we can't be sure where the hell she is."
Stacey blinked back the tears as she read the message Bets had left for her.
That must be you, because I'm D=Desparate right now, Stace... My heart is dying along with my body, and I don't want anyone to be burdened with either of them... especially not you, D. You are strong, but not that way.
My kids are going to want to be with yours... don't let anything come between them. They'll find a friendship like ours. Longer than ours. And lifelong just like ours. I know I can leave them now because you'll be there for them. You and Carl. You'll be their real parents... that makes me happy. Sad and happy.
I won't be coming back, so you can have that old rocking chair you gave me. It's still got a few good rocks in it. I'm going to miss that. It was the best damn gift anyone ever gave me.
Shit, I'm trying not to cry as I write this, Stace. I didn't realize that saying goodbye to you would be the hardest part. Don't be too hard on Carl. Keep loving him like we always have... he needs it double now. You know that. You can do that.
I love you, D
Judge Carl was still on the phone. Stacey could hear him asking someone for another phone number, but she could not tell who he was calling. She did not want to know who it was. She did not want to talk to anyone. Not now. Instead, she opened the file marked Jeremy and read the last of the three messages.
I really do not know what I can say...I am sorry. I knew that you would slowly and slowly drift away from me. And yet, in my heart, I had hoped you would have missed me and still loved me. Your actions have proved otherwise. Such is life I guess.
Don't you miss me? Did you actually ever love me? I mean, how can you just turn everything off? How can you in one mail say you will hold my hand through dark waters, and in the next just say... Hey Bets, sorry, I do not have the time?
You do not have to answer the questions, nor even answer this mail. I will not be around to read it. I have been doing pretty good coping with losing you. But there are days, such as today that I long for you, and the pain overwhelms me. I am very sorry Jeremy, for loving you and wanting you. It's not easy for me to have most of my life planned out to spend with you, then in a split tic have you take it away. I do not think any human being could just quit thinking about it. Lord knows, I have tried. I cannot cope with this any longer.
As I write this, the tears are rolling down my face. And I wish I could just hate you. I cannot go through this anymore, I cannot. I am sorry. I wish you all the best. I truly do. I love you, Jeremy. Please always remember this. I am sure Stacey will be contacting you. She will need a friend. Be happy please.
I have to say good bye now.
Be safe, be well
P.S. I have cleared out my hard drive of all your mail and letters, and did not save on disk. I did not want anyone to find them, and perhaps hurt you with them. I am saying good bye Jeremy.
Stacey was livid after reading these words. How could Bets say she was sorry? How could she forgive him. Jeremy had played with her heart until he had broken it. He did not deserve an apology from Bets. It was he who should be begging forgiveness.
Stacey was never one to hold back a feeling or an opinion, and she decided that Jeremy had to know exactly what was going on and his role in it. She quickly created an on-screen shell for an email message to him, and began typing as fast as her fingers could carry her thoughts.
Bets is gone. I don't know where or when she left. She left notes to the judge and me. There's one file for you too I'm attaching to this email letter. I've read it, Jeremy, what she wrote to you. And I can't tell you how pissed off it makes me.
I have no clue where she has gone. I'm worried, and I know she has been very depressed. She wouldnt talk to me about you or anything. It's like she slipped of the face of the earth. She cried and cried one night, telling the judge that she didnt give a fuck about anything. He called her brother and told him Bets was hurting very bad. But Jay couldnt do a thing because Bets wouldn't talk to him either.
Bets has been drinking, using again, and I'm fucking worried. I dont know how she went anywhere. She has no car and not much money. Her notes just say she was leaving and wanted to say good bye. She wouldnt be back.
Jeremy I don't know what's going to happen. I dont think you have a clue what you have done to Bets. You have hurt her bad. I think the file she left you says it all. Bets is going to, or god forbid, has already done it. She said her good byes and she's leaving to be alone. She told the judge in his note she would be with her dad. Jeremy he's been dead more than four years! WE cant do a fucking thing about it. I'M FUCKING SCARED.
Jeremy I'm sorry. But you knew how she felt and what was happening. And I know you loved her. It takes a hard person to just forget. I just didnt see you as hard.
If we get any word about Bets, and she has hurt herself, I'll hate you Jeremy Gere. You have fucked with Bets for months. And I warned you the whole time to just leave her alone. But no, you had to do everything I asked you not to. She gave you everything and you took it. I'm going to talk with some people online and see if they have heard from her or know anything. But you just leave it alone. You have done enough.
Bets was right. You live in your own world and just take from others what you need. JEREMY GERE you have taken everything from Bets. She is now left with nothing and is sick. This whole fucking all this shit shouldnt be happening.
I wouldnt of wrote but Bets mentioned me in her message to you and I felt I had to. Maybe the judge will write too. I've read everything, and it all points to Bets taking her life. I just have to think. I know she has been thinking about this, and maybe there's a place she has mentioned in the past that she might have gone to do it. Do you think she would go to NYC? Where did you stay when you were there? What special place would she go to remember you. Jeremy, I'm serious. I think I have to know. She mentioned water to me once. I have the map from NYC here at home somewhere.
I'm sorry Jeremy. I have have to help the judge make some phone calls. If you have any ideas of where or what to do please email me.
Stace
Judge Carl had finished his phone calls and was looking over Stacey's shoulder as she typed in the last few lines of her message.
"I think you'd better not send that," he told her. "You'd better cool yourself down, read it again, and then decide whether to send it like that or not."
"I'm plenty cooled down," Stacey replied, and with a smile and a single keystroke, she fired the message off down the phone lines, along with the attached file. "Let him deal with it, the bastard."
Judge Carl had seen her in such a mood often enough to know that the only good cure was a good task. "If we are going to find Bets," he said, "we will have to cover more ground."
Then, handing Stacey his car keys, he gave her specific instructions: "Drive on over to Bets' house and take a look around. Hell, she might even be there, not answering the phone, for all we know. I want you to see if you can find any clues as to where she might be. Check her computer. Look for memo pads, or notes in her wastebasket that might have information of her whereabouts. Then call me when you've done that. I'll be here waiting. And I've got to use your machine here to send a message to Jeremy, too. So show me how to do that before you go."
"What about my kids?" she asked.
"Where are they?"
"The two little ones are in the den watching videos. And I think Kersty may be a bit late coming back from school. Band practice today."
"I'll look after them," said the judge, "and I'll make sure they get something to eat if you think it's going to take you past supper to look over Bets' place. But you show me how to operate this email thing, and then you get yourself moving. I'm afraid we may not have a lot of time."
It took Stacey only a few minutes to pull up another on-screen email shell, take the judge through mailing procedures, say goodbye to her children, and take off towards Bets' house in Judge Carl's car. That left him alone to compose exactly the letter he knew Jeremy would be needing in a time like this... an honest, unbiased one.
I have brought it upon myself to write to you. I am from the age of when men talked face to face. Or had a secretary send a letter. I don't take kindly to change and this new technology of corresponding or doing business should be left to the younger generation. I didn't feel a need, until now, I guess to explore the Net. I have experienced it with Stacey and Elizabeth (I'm going to call her Bets) And I have to admit, it was damn right fun.
Stacey left me here to write to you and told me some basic symbols to use for my gestures. I don't think they have the ones to describe my actions. I know Bets has explained me to you. And where I fit into all this shit. I guess, I'm writing because Bets is like a daughter to me. And Stacey is half crazed out of her head. We're both worried. And having Stacey sending you nasty letters is not going to get the problem solved. I feel the problem at hand, is finding Bets.
What has happened between you and she is of no concern of mine. Yet, I would like to add or tell you: She (Bets) has told me what happened and I'm deeply sorry. Bets is a different kind of woman. As you well know, I'm sure. I'm sorry she had to fall in love with a man using this new technology. At first, I thought, Bets was pulling my leg. But, then she explained you, she told me about you. And she respected, loved and cherished the man on the other end of this technology. I assume you feel the same the same way.
I have been in your shoes for years Mr. Gere. It is very complicated to explain, yet the love just forms from out of nowhere. And I also love her. Bets has this affect on men. She is like a magnet for most, maybe not with you. But I assume you know what I mean, you have talked with her enough to know, she is a intelligent and lovely, and the most loving woman either of us will ever encounter in our lives. She has a flare for life, yet she will only share with a few chosen people. You and I had the honor of being part of her life. Both on different levels, and both have experienced her genuineness, her hunger of life, her love. Her mind, what do you think of it? (smiling at you)
Is this making sense to you, or I'm I making an old fool of myself. Hell, I hope not. My only reason for writing was to tell you, Bets has not been located. We're hoping to hear some word from her uncle in a few hours. And don't be too hard on Stacey, she is going through hell. We all are, and I'm including you. You have to be a good man, I trust Bets' judgment, at times more than my own. She has never steered me in the wrong direction when it came to people. And in the past, she has helped me to see many sides to an issue. I am old, and set in my ways. Bets has often brought light when needed. As she always says, there are many roads to look down. Choosing the right one is the secret.
In my closing, I would like to express to you. You know as well as I. Bets is gone. I do not expect to hear from her again, not a live voice anyway. And I think about the connection that you and she had, you know this also, and of Bets' relation with Stacey. This is why she is half nuts as I'm writing this. But if by some miracle Bets contacts you, please let us know. And I will do the same.
It is a shame. And it is a shame we will never meet Mr. Gere, because I feel we would have been good friends. I'm at Stacey's now. I will stay here tonight for correspondence to and from others. Bets knows how to reach me 24 hours a day if need be. And so do the proper authorities.
Sincerely, Judge Carlson Benson (retired)
Stacey Durrall and Judge Carlson Benson enjoyed a very special relationship. For years she had been his "other woman," the soft and very sensuous side of his responsibility-filled life. He, in turn, had been her "number one beau," the touch of maturity and grace she could never find in the series of boy toys that gathered to her. But it was only in the past few months, since Emily Benson's death, that their devotion to one another had become fully evident. Judge Carl had asked her to marry him, and somewhat surprisingly, she had agreed.
Dear Carl,
BetsDear D=Dangerous...
BetsJeremy,
Bets
Jeremy,
Mr. Gere,