Recently a group of teenagers in Oakton, Virginia went on a local radio station to claim that three tweeting blue jays provided six reasons for the back–migration of birds to the Southern Hemisphere. Scientists immediately dismissed the teenagers' claim while bird watchers claimed that "six" seemed to be an unusually high number.

All parties agree arriving birds have turned around and returned south. Birdwatcher Heather Thru–o–toe expressed her amazement: "In the past day my binocs and I have witnessed seven Robins, five Blue jays, four big black crows, and two Wen–Wali–Warblers, land, look around, chirp, tweet, and then, ––––rise up like a British Jump Jet, and fly off to the South Horizon. Just like that. It’s as if they don't like the feel in the air and just say, to the heck with it. Maybe it has something to do with this immigration stuff you hear on the radio."

Professional scientists have offered several possible explanations. Dr. George Frivsold of Virginia’s George Mason University explained:

"Biologists believe the back migration of birds has to do with Wi–Fi, GPS, cell phones, satellite beams, and plain old radio. That is, the atmosphere of the Northern Hemisphere is now an ocean pulsating with electro–radio waves. These poor feathered brains are so bombarded with signals from every which direction they can't figure out North from South, East from West, or even up from down. And how can we expect them to figure it out? They have bird brains."

While biologists and scientist worldwide tend to agree, the group of computer savvy teens, in Oakton, Virginia claims otherwise. Said Madison High School teen Tim Morfes:

"What do PH–deads know? Just like a scientist to accuse birds of having the brains of a bird. Actually birds are quite intelligent and have been telling us that with the bad economy, the growth in pesticides, the lack of food in birdfeeders, and where they see our immigration policy going, they have had it with North America."

Added the Tim's friend Sashley O'Town:

"The birds want people to know nobody flies south for the winter. South is their home. Instead they fly north for the summer because, here, in the North, the summers have a spicy feather–fluffing singles market, a tweeting hot music scene, and long days with great insect barbecue."

When pressed by school officials at Oakton's Madison high school the teens refused to answer where they got their information and denied using drugs. However after Madison biology teacher, Sally Lams, threatened to ban the group from taking school exams, the teens admitted to using the computer program Twitter to communicate with birds.

Teen Tim Morfes explained:

"It really wasn't hard. We took Twitter and tweaked the program a bit, and got the usual twit and tweet communication. It wasn't till we tweaked the tweets in the Twitter in–box, that we realize that the in–tweets were real state–of –nature tweets that had been translated into twitter tweets through our tweaked twitter code. So, like wow, we were communicating with real fly–in–the sky birds. At first our brains were just tweaked out by it all..."

The teen added:

"But, like, we learned pretty quickly the how to tweet ourselves. Like now, we can direct–tweet, in, like, a genuine state–of–nature tweet language. It’s pretty cool for the birds too."

School Administrators and police immediately subjected each member of the teen group to several intense rounds of questioning. After failing to emit one tweet out of any of the teenagers, counselors, under police guidance, convinced the teenagers to Twitter tweet while attached to police lie detectors. At first, school counselors were unable to detect anything usual. However forty minutes after the tweeting detector test began, twenty–two amateur bird watchers with binoculars were caught creeping up towards the Oakton's Madison High school grounds where the tweeting tests were being administered.

The teen group's demonstrated ability to attract bird watchers, with their tweets, raised further suspicion by school officials. In a second round of questioning the teens insisted that most birds were upset over empty birder feeders, the falling stock market, the size of executive bonuses, pesticides in the North, as well as all the immigration discussion on talk radio.

However it was not until a quick witted policeman asked Sashely O'Town, the youngest girl in the Oakton group, to tell it to the birds, that the Oakton teen group's story was verified to be true. According to witnesses, Sashely opened a window, logged on to Twitter and began tweeting. Within minutes hundreds of different species of birds landed in front of the window and, according to Sashley, demanded the Government bailout any mortgage–stressed homeowner who has a well–stocked birdhouse on his or her property.

The teens’ insistence that birds "all over the world" had been following the recent economic news was corroborated when witnesses spotted buzzards circling Wall, Street, GM headquarters in Detroit, and the Chicago board of trade.

Upon hearing that the Oakton teen story had been corroborated, scientists flocked to the Oakton school site holding the Twitter–tweaking teenagers and asked the teens to use their twitter skills to initiate a discussion with any birds that happened to be present.

The scientists and birds then held a four–hour preliminary "exploratory exchange of views" while the Oakton teen group Twitter translated. Scientists and teens reported that birds were not just upset over pesticides, poorly stocked birdfeeders, and the size of executive bonuses. Many other "silent offenses" were on the bird's mind which no one had anticipated.

In one example cited by scientists and bird watchers alike, the birds said they were upset about their diminishing role in sex education.

Said biologist George Frivsold:

"We never knew birds took their role so seriously. They said it was no accident that millions of bees had disappeared the previous year and that they, the birds, were returning to Southern Catholic countries only one year later. The said that when they and the bees had sex education to themselves, they played their Santa Claus role with real grace and mystery."

Dr. Frivsold elaborated:

"Who could of guessed the birds would be insulted over a dull–witted pile of graphic diagrams, a few gross–out pictures, a condom, and a few AIDS statistics. This one blue jay said, that he heard, through some Crows, that the Storks feel completely abandoned by sex educators. "

School officials upon hearing the birds lament banned all birds from school grounds and threatened to sue scientists for attempting to tamper with the State's biological curriculum. They also announced that use of the computer program Twitter has also been banned from Virginia State schools and any student caught tweeting would be suspended for drugs.

Meanwhile airlines report that bird watchers and teenagers are following the bird flocks South. Bird Watcher Heather Thru–o–toe was found headed to Dulles international airport in Fairfax country Virginia, with a suitcase of birding equipment and a Twitter program manual. When asked by a reporter she answered:

"I can't wait to see my first male Toucan. When I see him, the first thing I am going to do is ask him if that big rainbow beak of his, ever attracted any cute Wen–Wali–Walblers."

© Carlos Arnade

About the Author:

Carlos Arnade (Amnyn Tarde) is 56 yr old economist working for the Economic Research Service of Washington D.C. He is the father of a drive–your–parents–insane 17 year old, an avid table tennis player, and he writes satire for his website Banana News.

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