"Armageddon" and Armageddon

COLUMBUS, OHIO
July 1, 1998
Wednesday

Today I went to the premiere of Armageddon, the new asteroid disaster movie. It's a Jerry Bruckheimer picture, which means it's completely trite and formulaic: lots of explosions, juvenile dialogue, caricatures instead of characters, phony emotionalism, superficial "cool" hipsterism, stupid gimmicks and the simplest plot imaginable. I only stayed to the end out of curiosity. Sure enough, just as I expected, Bruce Willis volunteered to die so his crew could get home. Aww, boo-hoo. And ho-hum.

Despite its almost-total throw-away nature, however, Armageddon did have something of value to communicate. As childish and stupid as it was, it gave a very sharp portrayal of what really would happen if America faced a catastrophic disaster.

Or if the Government wanted us to believe we did.

In the film, an asteroid is heading toward Earth and "we" (always the imperious "we" of the State, don'tcha know) have only 18 days to stop it. As you might expect, the last thing the Government wants to do is inform the public - nevermind giving people time to wrap up personal affairs and make their peace with God, the Federales simply want to "keep the peace" and "maintain Law and Order."

Sound familiar?

They recruit the best dang oil driller in the World (Willis) and let him pick his own crew, who are all oil riggers like himself. He doesn't need to familiarize himself with the equipment, because NASA has stolen his patented oil drill design without informing him or paying him any royalties. They were going to use it on "the Mars Mission" but they couldn't make it work (naturally!) so now they want him to fix it and use it to drill into the asteroid, so they can nuke it to pieces.

In the movie, they make a point of asking him to do this, but in real life I suspect he'd be threatened with execution if he refused.

Before they leave, the oil riggers all have personal requests. One wants to spend the whole summer in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House; another wants his criminal record erased; and all of them want to never have to pay taxes again. The NASA Administrator agrees to all this. How much do you want to bet that, when they get back, they'll get excuses instead of these modest rewards?

Upon liftoff, Willis is asked how he feels about being atop 3 million pounds of explosives in a machine with 270,000 moving parts that was built by the lowest bidder. I didn't catch his response, but I'll bet it wasn't positive.

In space, the NASA crew are worse than useless, they're virtually homicidal. They are eager to leave one of the riggers aboard "the Russian Space Station" (they don't call it Mir) when, predictably, it explodes due to leaks in a Government-contracted, lowest-bidder built fuel hose. No excuse is given for this, but it would probably run along the lines of "we have to make difficult choices," "he had to be sacrificed to save the mission," "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (or the one)" or somesuch other Statist, inhuman drivel.

Once they get to the asteroid, the hot-shot Air Force colonel in the driver's seat sets down on the wrong spot. Instead of drilling through nice, soft rock and dirt, they now have to drill through solid steel. Does he apologize, or try to correct his atrocious (and possibly fatal) error? Nah! His union rep probably told him he didn't have to. Besides, he's a glorious military bureau-rat - HIM apologize to a bunch of uneducated, uncredentialed roughmecks? Not bloody likely.

So they start drilling. It doesn't go well. They break a bit and fry a transmission in the first 10 feet. Luckily, they've got spares. Unlickily, they're going out of radio contact with the ground, and another Air Force nureau-rat, this one a general, has a Difficult Decision to make.

He calls the President. General Big-Shot says "Prez, we may never have another chance." Prez says fine, override the detonator from the ground and blow them nukes. Nevermind that it will kill over a dozen brave men and women who are trying to save us all - hey, some people have to die for their country. These are dying for The World. That's why Big Shots must make Difficult Decisions.

Funny how the Big Shots never volunteer themselves for death, isn't it?

The NASA Administrator, bless his Good Guy Science Bureau-Rat (as opposed to Bad Guy Military Bureau-Rat) heart, tries to prevent the detonation. On the asteroid, Colonel Space-Jockey informs the crew that Plan B is in effect, i.e. they're all gonna die. He accepts this, Good State Hero that he is. The riggers are more than a little disagreeable, and Willis pleads with him to "listen to someone up here instead of on the ground for once!" In order that the movie may continue, he does. Yea, Colonel Space-Jockey!

On the ground, the Air Force goons discover the NASA boss' trick. By now Mission Control is full of Blue Berets, the Air Force's own commandos, and they start things up again. Mr. Good-Guy Scientist pleads with the Prez to listen to reason, ignore his dipshit Science Advisor and cancel the rotten, back-stabbing, murderous detonation: it won't work, he says. The nukes are still on the surface, and they need to be 800 feet down.

Ah, now THERE'S an appeal a bureau-rat can relate to! IT WON'T WORK. How many times have we been told that tyranny is necessary because "that's what works" or freedom "doesn't work?" These amoral bu-reau-bots are like unthinking machines, unconcerned with any human decency or morality at all, purely focused on "doing their job" and "what works." They are worse than animals: they are former humans who have chosen to give up their humanity. And for what? Job security. A promotion. Professional pride (that's another boast they like to use - "I'm a professional"). Or just the greater glory of the State.

Mr. Prez listens to this bureau-logic, and they stop the countdown. Up on the asteroid, the riggers get the hole drilled and the bomb emplaced but, wouldn'tcha know, the remote trigger conks out! Shucks! Dang Government electronics! Well, somebody's gonna have to stay and trigger it manually - that is, someone's gonna have to die. Who will it be?

As you might expect, it is NOT going to be Colonel Space-Jockey. Covering his scab-pustuled ass like any cowardly bureau-rat, he insists he ship needs a crew of two; covering HER ass, his co-pilot does not object. So it has to be one of the riggers.

They all volunteer. Since only one has to stay, they draw straws. Young heart-throb Ben Affleck gets it. At the last moment however, Willis takes his place. They lift off. The bomb explodes, and Earth is saved. The end?

Not quite. On the ground, the President speaks to everyone "not as an American or the Leader of a Great Country, but as a Citizen Of The Human Race." Heh - I wonder if he has a Government-issued ID card to PROVE he's human!

At Kennedy Space Center, the gutless scumbag bureau-rat Colonel Space-Jockey meets Willis' daughter, played by Liv Tyler, who is Affleck's fiancee (which is why Affleck couldn't die). Without a trace of shame or irony, he smiles at her and says, "I'd like to shake the hand of the daughter of one of the bravest men I've ever met." She's just thrilled. I wonder though, he's such an arrogant cuss - why not just rape her right there? That's likely how it would happen in real life - rank has its priviledges.

With even the theoretical, lip-service limits on Government totally suspended, priviledge and terror will be the order of the day. Police and military will terrorize civilians, and even within those criminal organizations, the higher ranks will abuse the lower. Women will get raped and, if the rapist is found, there will be a show trial, but nothing will be done. Everyone will lose their property, unless allowed to retain it so they can supervise it for the State. And at all times, excuses will be given - It's A Necessary Evil, It Has To Be Done, We Must Keep The Peace, Law And Order Must Be Preserved.

I'm Just Doing My Job.

Perhaps the best thing about Armageddon is its coldly accurate portrayal of the bureau-rat mindset. All through this picture, the Government goons are grim, serious, uncaring and madly determined to Do Their Jobs. They will not be stopped, except perhaps by death. Furthermore, they don't care about anything but satisfying their masters and fulfilling their assigned tasks. They are truly Just Doing Their Jobs.

I've written a whole 'nother essay on Just doing One's Job: it will be HTMLed soon. It is important to understand their view of things, not so you can sympathize with them, but so you can know just how inhuman they are, and just how they are inhuman. The bureau-rat cares about nothing else but the performance of his duties. He does NOT care if those duties are "right" or "wrong" - or rather, he believes that following orders is Right and not following them is Wrong. Obedience is his creed, so much so that he even applies it to you, even if you are not a bureau-rat.

Herein lies the secret to tyranny - it is why tyranny "works."

Please do go to see Armageddon - or, really, any other film in which the government abuses people's rights. Don't watch it for the action or the love interest - the first is lame, the other far too tame. Instead, watch it for the detailed examination of the tyrants and their attitudes and motivation.

You need to understand them, the better to fight them.

--Jim Kelley