Signs of the times...
1. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
4. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 5. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
6. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
7. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
8. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
9. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
11. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
12. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
13. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
14. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
15. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
16. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
17. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
18. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
19. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
20. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
21. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
22. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
23. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
24. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
25. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
26. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
27. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
28. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
29. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking. Here speeching American.
30. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner, also.
31. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
32. Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
33. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
34. Sign at a British gas station: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
35. Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
36. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.
37. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
38. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
39. Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work).
40. Sign at a Vancouver radiator repair shop: This is the place to take a leak.
41. Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
42. Sign in a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
43. Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
44. Outside a British farm: Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag or 20p do-it-yourself.
45. In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
46. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
47. English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING.
48. Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
49. Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
50. Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
51. Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
52. Maternity clothes shop: We are open on Labor Day.
53. Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
54. On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian, except the dog.
55. Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
56. Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.
57. Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
58. Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
59. Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
60. Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
61. Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
62. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
63. Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
64. Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
65. Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
66. Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
67. Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
68. Veterinarians Office: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
69. The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
70. Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
71. Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
72. Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
73. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
74. Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
75. Music library: Bach in a minuet.
76. On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van - Cincinnati area: A flush beats a full house!
77. Sign at a little restaurant: Eat here or we'll both starve.
78. The license plate of a urologist: NOPCME (no p c me)
79. In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan: Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection.
80. Ohio road sign: Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi
81. In the Key West (Florida) International Airport's souvenir store: Unattended children will be sold into slavery.
82. In the bathroom of a mom and pop store: We aim to please, so, please, you aim too.
83. Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, Wisconsin: PUSH, if it doesn't open, PULL, if it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED.
84. Sign that someone posted up in my back lane (presumably by a concerned parent):
SLOW
KIDS
85. Seen in front of a restaurant in Smalltown, Texas: EAT HERE!! Even if you die!! We need the business!! (contributed by Pouncequick)
NEW!! Added July 12-15, 1998
86. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
87. In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
88. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
89. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
90. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"
91. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
92. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
93. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
94. In a New York drug store: "We dispense with accuracy."
95. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owinging your home."
96. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
97. In a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
98. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
99. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
100. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
101. In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
102. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
103. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits... $100 each. They won't last an hour!"
104. On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament --- Ears Pierced"
105. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
106. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
107. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
108. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
109. In a Pennsylvania cemetary: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
110. On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
111. On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
112. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
113. Two signs found on top of one another in a country restaurant:
RESTROOMS
<--------
Please wait for hostess to seat you.
NEW! (Dec. 7, 1998)
114. Instructions for a Sear's hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
115. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
116. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
117. Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
118. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."
119. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down." (instructions printed on the bottom of the box.)
120. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
121. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."
122. On Nytol (a sleep aid): "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
123. On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning keep out of children."
124. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
125. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
126. On Sainsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
127. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
128. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands."
Always more coming... come back soon!