Alegria
Como la luz de la vida
Alegria
Como un payaso que grita
Alegria
Del estupendo grito
Del la tristeza loca
Serena,
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un asalto de felicidad

Alegria
I see a spark of life shining
Alegria
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegria
Beautiful roaring screams of joy and sorrow,
so extreme
There is a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous, magical feeling

ALEGRIA - Cirque du Soleil

"What commendable enthusiasm," Elim Garak cooed, eyeing the lavishly set table his friend had prepared in honour of a most special occasion. "I must say Doctor, I hadn't expected anything more than a holonovel. That is, after all, what I offered you on your Birthday."

Julian Bashir grinned broadly, displaying astonishingly white teeth. Garak answered the smile and shook his head indulgently. "The fervour of the young," he berated lightly.

"Well Garak," Julian said generously, waving with a flourish at one end of the oblong table. "Since you can't go to Cardassia for a proper ceremony, I thought I'd bring a bit of Cardassia to you."

"How thoughtful," he acknowledged, but the stark grey features were somewhat darkened as he settled into his chair. He feigned interest in the room, his ridged brow slowly falling over his pallid blue eyes. "Where are we?"

"Rec room," Bashir sighed as he settled in his chair. "I had it altered into a dining room this morning," he added nonchalantly, snapping a cloth napkin across his lap. Garak focused on the young man, honestly surprised.

"Frankly Doctor, I'm astonished you'd go to so much inconvenience just for my sake."

Julian looked up, quite innocently, too innocently Garak concluded, and said, "It was no inconvenience, my friend. None at all. Now," he grinned impishly, "ready for the first meal?"

"Oh, because there will be several?" Garak asked with a bright, self-chiding smile. "My dear Doctor, a man of my advanced years cannot indulge in vast quantities of food. Surely you must know that."

Julian slumped his shoulders, looking much like a teenager exasperated with his parents. "Oh come on," he snapped. "Advanced years? I'll hear none of that. You're as old as you feel. And besides," he added with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "Don't you trust your doctor to give you the best quality of nutritious food available?"

Garak sighed tolerantly, draping his knees with a similar napkin. "I won't involve myself in that debate Doctor. You obviously know what you're doing."

Nodding with exaggerated dignity, Bashir smiled tightly. "Thank you. Now, I believe we're about to be served a breast of ton'kro gettle with a side dish of taspar eggs. I hope you're hungry!" he grinned.

Garak chuckled, faintly amused by his young friend's zest. And perhaps ... yes, just perhaps, somewhere in his heart glowed warmth.

The breast had been delicious; as delicious as any non-synthetic food Garak would ever hope to enjoy off-surface of his beloved Cardassia. When he voiced the compliment, Julian recoiled in faint, mocking shock. "Synthetic? You insult me. Garak, this was hardly a meal of synthetic quality!"

Garak gaped at him. "You mean ... Doctor! Acquiring these kinds of goods must have been overly expensive!" His eyes narrowed, his head turning slightly sideways in a convincing show of suspicion. "Why? Why would you go to all this trouble simply to entertain me? When all I've given you was a trifling piece of literature you never even grew fond of?"

"Never grew fond of?" Julian's brow crumpled. "Garak, I don't know if you ever heard this Human expression before or not, but when someone offers a gift to someone else, it's the thought that counts, not the present itself! Obviously, you were eager to get me interested in Cardassian literature, and if you must know, I did read every single line of everything you ever gave me. Granted, I found most not according to my taste, but I appreciated the gesture none of the less. This," he indicated the table with a wave of the hand, "is a show of my appreciation." His eyes rose to meet the tailor's, and Garak's heart pinched as he saw the scintillating intensity in those pools of liquid brown.

"Dear Doctor ..." he murmured. "I'm at a loss for words."

"Then I've succeeded," Julian grinned brightly, waving at the waiter he'd hired for the evening. "Are you ready for the main course?"

And oddly enough, while it was clear Julian had referred to the main food platter, Garak's thoughts turned on a more luscious dish. One, he discovered, who had the proverbial heart of gold. Even for a foolish old exile who'd done shady, inexplicable things in his long life as an Obsidian agent.

When the seran roots of arrived, served with a generous helping of fresh juicy kreen slices at its side, Garak sipped his spring wine with a thoughtful look, staring across the long table to his young friend.

"So Garak," Julian said conversationally between bites, "how old are you exactly?"

The Cardassian smiled, depositing his glass next to his plate. "Is that not an impolite thing to ask?"

"Among Humans yes. You're not Human," Julian said, and Garak was positive that Julian was actually elated of the fact.

"True enough," he conceded, raising his fork with a complicated twist of thin roots tangled on it to Julian. "But as you are also the station's doctor, I would assume you already know my medical age."

Julian chew on a slice of kreen, looking thoughtful. "Those records could have been altered."

"Ah. By spies no doubt keeping a watchful eye on their undercover agent, is that it Doctor? I assure you, those records were not altered," he said with a sly smile.

Julian looked relieved, and Garak was actually debating whether to take it as a sincere reaction. "Well I'm glad they weren't," he said, and dropped the unfinished slice in his plate before his eyes lowered. "Garak... listen ... I know you don't like to talk about your past. I mean ... I can understand that," he said, still avoiding the tailor's eyes.

Garak lowered his fork, his features mildly sombre. "But ..."

Julian tentatively looked across to him. "But ... I'd like to know why you were exiled Garak. Why they sentenced you to a fate worst than death, or even torture," he stabbed his finger at the tailor before Garak could voice a protest, "And don't try to fool me Garak. I know how this is affecting you. And I was just wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve that. To be cast away by your own kind. To be denied the comfort of others of your--"

"Doctor," Garak suddenly growled. "I do believe this conversation is getting a tad too personal. Now I came here with the intent to enjoy myself, and until now that was precisely what I was doing. You bringing this up is not helping matters."

Julian sighed bitterly. "No, of course not," he said harshly. "We've known each other three years, but still you can't trust me with--"

"Yes, we've known each other three years Doctor," Garak interjected, slapping his napkin angrily at the side of his unfinished meal. "And you'd think that after all that time one of us wouldn't stoop as low as design a whole evening of entertainment simply to extract information in avarious intent!"

"I'm sorry, Garak," Julian spat, "but I'm not quite like you. When I give something to someone, it's not to blackmail them later."

"Oh. And perhaps you'd like to offer me an instance when I offered you my services and time for something in return?"

"Oh come on! You think I'm an idiot? You think I didn't see what you were doing when you introduced yourself on my second week on the station? Prey on the weakest, most naive officer on board, use him for later purposes. That was your intent, wasn't it Garak?"

Garak flushed an angry tinge of blue. "Excuse me Doctor, but I suddenly lost my appetite." He rose abruptly and stalked to the exit. He would have reached it too, hadn't it been for Julian's hand reaching out to grasp his arm.

He looked down in surprise at the angry dark eyes. "Admit it," Julian hissed. "Be truthful for once in your life, Garak. You never intended to be my friend, did you?"

Yanking his arm free with rebellious anger, Garak leaned down, one hand curled over the back of Julian's chair while the other lay flat against the table. They were so close Julian suddenly felt a heated blush colour his cheeks.

"Yes," Garak derided. "You're right Doctor. I did approach you for selfish reasons. Not only were you an innocent, but you were ready and able to believe anything the insidious spy would throw at you. And you did. How fortunate," he barked, "How fortuitous for the undercover agent to have found someone who was willing to offer him every Federation secrets and access to Terok Nor's closed databases. In the hopes that one day Cardassia would claim it for its own once again. The patriotic spy." He took in a shuddering breath and said, "Do you want to know why I was exiled Doctor? Do you really?" His look turned murderous. "I betrayed my own State, Doctor. That's what I did. I didn't like certain things about myself, so I betrayed the Order. I betrayed Tain, and I betrayed myself. I turned my back on my own people and chose exile. I was never sentenced. I was never forced. I simply used it as an excuse to explain my presence on DS9 when all Cardassians happily retired home."

Julian gaped silently at him, his own little wrapped up illusions of Garak's shady past shattered. "Why?" he breathed.

"Why?" A small little laugh escaped his lips. "Because I hated what I was Doctor. I was no Cardassian ... not at the end. Not when I looked into the faces of those Bajoran children and saw there, saw for the first time the pain I was giving them, the torture, the humiliation. I realised I couldn't do it anymore so I disowned my own soul. Gave myself the worst punishment, the worst fate I could possibly give myself."

Both were very still and silent for a moment, and then Garak was taking another cleansing breath as he pulled back, straightening up demurely. "Well ..." he murmured. "Be proud Doctor. Your plan worked. You got me to reveal myself to you. How fitting after all, to give myself the ultimate humiliation. I hope you are satisfied Doctor. You've done a commendable job on extracting the information you wanted. Now if you'll excuse me ... I will retire to my quarters." He glanced at the table, his eyes pained and dark. "And incidentally, thank you for the meal. While its underlying purpose was somewhat below what I'd normally expect from you, it was a most enjoyable meal. One I hadn't indulged in a long time. Goodnight Doctor. Sleep well."

And swiftly he was gone, leaving Julian to drown in his own humiliation and furious mortification. While his intentions had been sincere, he remembered his last thoughts while drifting to sleep the previous night. How he would ask Garak about his past. How Garak would feel so honoured and happy that he'd willingly reveal his secrets.

How foolish. How stupid of him, to even take for granted the pain Garak might be feeling about this. About his imprisonment on DS9. He turned in his chair and stared morosely at the unkempt table, various dishes spread unevenly over the table in which they'd dug and merrily tasted as they ate through their meal.

And you just ruined it Jules. Just ruin the best friendship you ever had.

With a sigh he rose and emptied the last of his spending credits into a hand held device. He shoved it to the waiter who'd appeared at his call and said curtly, "Clear it. Return everything as it was."

And as the man moved to comply, Julian turned to leave, wishing he could do the same with his friend.

"Garak, please, let me in," Julian pleaded through the door. "I want to talk to you."

Silence greeted him, and Julian slid to the floor, hugging his knees as he pressed into the corner. "I know you can hear me Garak, and that's all I want you to do. Just hear me out.

I didn't mean to upset you," he began, and quickly he laughed. "Yes, I know how it sounds, but let me finish. I truly wanted to give you back what you'd given me Garak. I ... you were the first friend I've ever made on the station. The first person to look beyond the snivelling, idiot of an officer and pull out the essence of what I am today. I matured because of you Garak. You gave me a new perspective on things that I didn't know existed. I thought ... I thought I was so clever. I thought I knew everything, but there you were. Mysterious, cunning, everything that made me stop and think that I might not be all that I thought I was. That maybe, just maybe, others had more experience than I had. Others had seen life and lived through it, kicking and screaming. Dax, O'Brien, Kira, they all came after, and only because you helped me realise I had to stop looking down on everybody from my own little pedestal and start from the ground up, making friends on the way. I ..."

He sighed, lolling his head against the wall. "I just wanted to repay you for that. I don't think you realise ... I don't think you realise how much I care, and how much I cherish our friendship. I'm so grateful Garak," he said, his eyes pleading the door. "And I'm so afraid you don't know it.

If I pried tonight ... If my wanting to understand you better were mistaken for ill intentions, I'm sorry. I won't ever ask you anything Garak, anything you don't want to share willingly. But please," he said, mustering all the emotion in his voice, "please don't end it all just because you think I'll look down on you now. If anything, I think you're a better man for what you did. At least you had the courage to stop. To leave. If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't have had the courage to do what you did."

He stared for a moment more, feeling the silence weigh heavily on him. He climbed to his feet, and wordlessly turned to leave. He paused suddenly, twisted back and brushed his fingers over the hard metallic door. "I love you Elim," he said, and though it had taken every inch of courage in the world to say it, it felt so natural to do so in the end. He trailed his hand downward as he walked away, his heart light with relief and liberation, no longer caring as much whether Garak had heard him or not.

He'd said it. Admitted it.

Across the door to the small one-room quarters, Garak was hugging his knees next to the door, temple pressed against the heavy frame with closed eyes. "I love you too Julian," he whispered, his voice not enough to carry across the thick bulkhead.

Ducking his head, he silently vowed never to utter the words again.

The End