CAM: Put it on slomo!

SOPHIE: Ooooooooh ...

CAM: Oh yeah baby ...

SOPHIE: See how he's smirking at him? That's CLASSIC Garak Flirting Smirk #5
right there. And Odo's just smiling back his smile of his. I gotta take notes, are you taking notes? We've got a lecture to compose Cam, you're just laying there fiddling with your ...

CAM: BELCH

SOPHIE: Lovely.

CAM: Pass the nachoes will ya?

SOPHIE: BELCH

CAM: Was that you, or the extremely large elephant we have stored somewhere in here?

<KNOCK KNOCK>

SOPHIE: Go away!
CAM: Go away!

Look, I don't care what kind of obsene perversity is going on inside there, but I'm coming in right this minute!

SOPHIE: Oh shit shit shit ... SURE THING, HOLD ON! Hide the ... damn it, Cam, put your pants on!

CAM: Wha-? I was just getting comfortable ... hey! Watch the balls, they're delicate!

SOPHIE: Then put them somewhere else! Sheesh, for a couple of bowling balls ...

CAM: They're antiques.

<KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK>
<jiggled handle>
Let me in this minute Sophia!

CAM: SophiA? Oooh la la, SophiA!

SOPHIE: SHUT UP!

What?!

SOPHIE: NOT YOU MA!

Who in there with you?!
<jiggled handle>
OPEN THIS DOOR!

CAM: Your MOTHER? What the hell is your MOTHER doing here?!

SOPHIE: Cam, SHUT UP, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON AND HIDE THE PORN!

CAM: I love it when you get all dom on me. It's so ... not you.

<muffled conversation>
... said something about corn ...
<BAM BAM BAM>

SOPHIE: Cam, PLLLLLEEEEEAAASE!

CAM: There's my Soph. Okay, where's my pants?

SOPHIE: Doubling as a leash ... I think they're tied to the closet bar.

CAM: Oh yeah ... I remember now. Uhm, Soph?

SOPHIE: Yeah?

CAM: You're like ... naked and shit.

SOPHIE: FUCK!

CAM: Now?

SOPHIE OPEN THIS DOOR, I WON'T REPEAT MYSELF TWICE!!!
<more jiggling of the handle>
Your father is behind me and he's VERY upset! Not to mention Allan, whom I've apprised of your current situation. We ALL want a talk with you young lady!

SOPHIE: I am SO dead. FUCK!

CAM: Okay, STOP saying that. Are you swearing, or do you want me to-"

SOPHIE: I'M CURSING I'M CURSING I'M CURSING DAMMIT!

Cursing won't do you any good, OPEN THIS DOOR!
<lockpicking action>

SOPHIE: Cam, god dammit, find your fucking pants now! Although ... pose for me?

CAM: ...

SOPHIE: Oh yeah baby ... uhm ... what was I ... OH! Shit, clothes. I need clothes. BE RIGHT THERE MOMSY!

CAM: Momsy?

SOPHIE: Cam, you are SO dead.

CAM: Hey, YOU'RE the one who's got sex on her mind.

SOPHIE: CAM THIS IS NO TIME TO JOKE! Is there any alternative exits to this room?

CAM: Yeah, right. Unless you want to use the transporter. Although might I remind you that we're in the twentieth fucking century."

SOPHIE: Okay, STOP holding your stick and do something constructive.

CAM: I AM! I'm sweeping! Geez.

SOPHIE: FORGET SWEEPING! Put the freaking broom down and go put some clothes on.

Meanwhile ...

JEN: They're arguing over the porn lying all over the floor now.

OLIVIA: Oh my god, this is too funny.

RUTH: Wait, let me try it. How does this thing work?

JEN: Just talk into it. It's configured with Soap's mother, father and Allan's wavelengths. Just press the appropriate buttons. Courtesy of Q.

RUTH: Oh goody. Let's see ...

RUTH: [Allan's Voice] Sophie, I thought you loved me! I thought we had something special, and now I find you with another man? Aren't I man enough for you?

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! IT MEANS NOTHING!
Oh thanks. Last time I fuck around with you Soph.
No wait ...

OLIVIA: We're fucking things up real good.

JEN: Yeah ... isn't it great?

ROBIN: WHY are we doing this again?

JEN: Garak and Bashir paid us. They wanted revenge. They said she's been straying again. Drawing Beverly/Jean-Luc Picard stuff, writing a Wesley/Beverly story in secret just so she could take up the Admiral's challenge.

GREYWOLF: Make 'em believeable, y'mean?

JEN: That's the one.

GREYWOLF: I'll bet me right nut she won't be able to pull it off.

JEN: Probably not.

HEATHER: Hey, give me that - can I try?

RUTH: Sure, here.

HEATHER: [Sophie's Father's voice] Sophie! This is not funny anymore - we've just enlisted Q to open this door, so if you don't want to be embarassed, I suggest you open it yourself now!

JEN: Oh this is so cool ... Liv, stop giggling. I can't hear ...

RUTH: What are they saying?

RAKU: I can't hear either ...

NED: Wait, press your ear on the door.

MARK: Quit it, you're pushing me!

GREYWOLF: Shhhh! I thought I heard sumptin' ...

JEN: Shut up you guys! What are they saying?

LIV: If you'd shut up yourself for one damned bloody minute.

MARK: There's no need to--

NED: Hold on!

GREYWOLF: What laddie?

NED: Uhm ... guys? I suggest you look behind us.

JEN: ...

LIV: Sophie! Cam! ... Hehehe hehe ... he. Speakin' of the devils.

ROBIN: We were ... attracted by the commotion. Some weird-looking woman with her husband and a muscle-man just left ... know anything about it?

SOPHIE: I'm not sure. Considering we've been standing here long enough to hear what's going on.

JEN: How ... how did you get out?

CAM: I had two points left out on my Air-Q Mileage. We snapped our way here.

RUTH: Two points, really? I blew them all when I ... er ... nevermind. All right, back to work people.

MARK: But ...

SOPHIE: Ooooh, no. We're not quite done with all of you yet.

OLIVIA: What ... what are you ... gonna do with us?

SOPHIE: Something terrible, or something wonderful. Depends on whose point of view you look at it from.

ROBIN: I don't like the sound of this.

CAM: I'm gonna go place that call now, Soph darling. Be back in a jizz. Er ... jiff. Heh. Must be tired. Yeah ... tired.

ROBIN: I REALLY don't like the sound of this.

RUTH: Look, be reasonable. I'm the president. Whatever awful terrible thing you do to me, I'll have twelve awful terrible things done to you. You know how it works.

SOPHIE: This time, President, I'm pissed.

LIV: She's pissed.

JEN: Sophie's pissed.

MARK: Have we ever seen Sophie pissed?

NED: No ... I think there's a good reason too.

JEN: She doesn't get pissed often.

RAKU: Look at her eyes - she's insane.

SOPHIE: Oh and look, two points on my account as well.

<SNAP SNAP>

GARAK: ... and how's the doctor-woctor like being spanked in front of his pretty nurse, huh? How would you like the Master Surgeon to ... to ...

BASHIR: Oh don't stop! Master Surgeon, don't stop! I've been so naughty! I forgot the oath! Spa--

GARAK: Uhm ... doctor?

BASHIR: Yes Master Surgeon?

GARAK: Oh dear. Let me remove the blindfold.

BASHIR: ...

SOPHIE: As you see, your little 'job' failed.

BASHIR: Garak, tell me this is a joke. Like, a holosuite thingie. Right? We're in the holosuite right now, right? RIGHT?

GARAK: I think you may want to remove that ... skirt doctor. I believe this is quite real.

CAM: I called our friend, Soph, and ...

<SQUEAL!!>

CAM: Where did you get those NYLONS!? I WANT SOME! Look at those fucking great stilettos ...

SOPHIE: Hush! We're punishing them, remember?

CAM: Can I spank him once? Look, he's got breaches under there, with the ass all exposed. I wanna spank him!

SOPHIE: You're such a child!

CAM: Come on!

SOPHIE: Only if I get to spank Garak.

RUTH: CAN WE GO NOW?

SOPHIE: Oh no. Not until our 'friend' arrives.

GARAK: Doctor, stop rubbing your eyes, you're smearing maskara all over the place.

FRED: FRIENDS!

ROBIN: Huh ... what's Lover of Wesley's Ass doing here?

FRED: Cam just told me the great news!!!

JEN: What great news?

FRED: You've all agreed to collaborate on a huge Wes-Fuck-Fest!! This is so great!! WOOO HOO!

GARAK: uhm, excuse us, we're not writers, we're ... whatever we are, we're not writers. If you'll excuse us ...

SOPHIE: HALT! You may not be writers ...

CAM: But you are from the 24th century.

SOPHIE: And 24th century = holodeck.

CAM: We don't care whose help you enlist ...

SOPHIE: You're gonna write a holodeck program with Wesley involved in some way. Some fucking going on too. Lots of wet nasty action.

CAM: Yeah, and Fred can enjoy him over and over and over in the holosuites, right Fred?

OLIVIA: Oh shit, catch him, he's fainting.

GARAK: You're joking of course.

BASHIR: Wesley? Wesley Crusher?

GARAK: The Weasel?

FRED: Hey!

OLIVIA: Oh, there he goes again.

Meanwhile ...

Q: This is such fun.

SUZY-Q: You're sadistic.

Q: And you're dull. So?

SUZY-Q: Whatever. Just remember not to give them TOO much power. Power corrupts.

Q: Hmmmm .... and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

SUZY-Q: Got that right.

The End