CAST OF CHARACTERS
-President
-Secretary of Defense
-General
-Vice President
-Senator
-MPs, Martian I and Martian II
           
       
(Setting:  An exact likeness of the Oval Office.  To the left is a door set in the middle of
the wall.  To the right the stage ends in darkness with no visible wall.  With his feet up on
the desk sits the PRESIDENT, a large smile on his face, talking on the telephone).

PRESIDENT:  (on telephone).  So what are you wearing, baby? ... Oooh, that sounds
sexy ...
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (bursting in).  Mr. President!  Mr. President!  There's an
urgent matter of the utmost importance to national security that's just come up, sir!
PRESIDENT:  (to phone).  Hold on, baby.  (to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE).  Can't you
see I'm in the middle of something very important?  They don't call it executive privilege
for nothing, (to phone). ain't that right, sugar?  (chuckles).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Mr. President, please!  The Martians are attacking!
PRESIDENT:  (shocked and outraged).  What?  Those sons of bitches!  I knew this
would happen!  (to phone).  I have to save the world, sweety.  I'll call you back in a half
hour.  (hangs up phone).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (startled).  How could you know the Martians would
attack?  Up until today we hadn't known there are Martians!
PRESIDENT:  (matter of fact tone).  Sure we have.  We've known about those red
bastards for years.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Oh.  Well, this is news to me and everyone else I know on
the Hill, sir.  Since you seem to know about them, maybe you could fill me in, so I can
better help the nation in this moment of crisis.
PRESIDENT:  (angry).  You've never even heard of them?  And you call yourself a
patriot!  I admit I was too busy chasin' tail and gettin' high in high school and college, but
even I managed to pick up a little bit about them!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (confused and ashamed).  I'm sorry, sir.  I ... guess I must
have been absent those days ... Please, sir, tell me what you know of them, so I can better
understand them and help us formulate a counter-attack!
PRESIDENT:  Okay, but don't let this happen again.  Where to begin ... Well, they —
GENERAL:  (bursting in).  Mr. President, sir, the Martians are attacking!
PRESIDENT:  Yes, I am well aware, General.  But did you know that our very own
Secretary of Defense was completely ignorant on the matter?
GENERAL:  (outraged).  What?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No, I —
GENERAL:  (walks over, punches SECRETARY OF DEFENSE in the gut, and knocks
him down to the floor).  You make me sick.  You're supposed to be in charge of this great
nation's defense, and you don't even know when it's under attack.  I bet you were a dope
head as a kid, burning the flag for a chuckle and joining the Communist party just to be
different.
PRESIDENT:  (helpfully).  No, that was me.
GENERAL:  (ignoring the comment, walking over to PRESIDENT' desk).  Sir, as
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff — 
PRESIDENT:  Joint Chiefs?  Isn't it hypocritical of you to condemn smoking pot, then?
GENERAL:  (undaunted).  — feel that you should authorize swift and immediate action.
PRESIDENT:  Ever take a bad hit, General?  I remember this one time, when I was in
college, the wallpaper started talking with me.  I think it was one of the most intelligent
conversations I've ever had.  We talked about the price of grain in South Dakota ...
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (rising to his feet, timidly approaching the other two). 
Mr. President, sir, the time for action is now.
GENERAL:  Shut up, you Communist junkie.
PRESIDENT:  And this one time, my right hand turned into a spatula and I was making
French Toast with it.  Now that was freaky.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You know, actually, what is often referred to as
Communism is in fact Socialism.  Take China, for instance.  They — 
GENERAL:  (angry).  I don't want to hear your propaganda, Red!  (advances
menacingly).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (backing away).  You think I'm evil, because you think I'm
a Communist, right?
GENERAL:  (making fist).  Yeah, that's right.  And now I'm gonna beat all that Commie
junk out of you.  You'll thank me for this later ... if your jaw heals.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (desperate).  But I'm not a Communist!  Or a Socialist! 
I'm not evil; I'm a Democrat!
GENERAL:  Same difference.  (takes a swing and misses).
PRESIDENT:  I remember this one time, I was in Nantucket.  There was this girl I met
named Jan, and she sure could —
VICE PRESIDENT:  (bursting in).  What's going on in here?
PRESIDENT, GENERAL, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Nothing.  (all three start
adjusting their outfits).
VICE PRESIDENT:  Don't you know the Martians are attacking?
GENERAL:  (mumble to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE).  This ain't over, boy.  Once we
get this settled I'm taking you out back and tanning your hide.
PRESIDENT:  Where am I?  Who are you people?
VICE PRESIDENT:  God, he's had another flashback, hasn't he?  (goes over and gently
taps PRESIDENT's cheeks).  You're the President of the United States of America.  I'm
your Vice President.  These gentlemen are the Secretary of Defense and General ... (to
GENERAL).  What is your name, anyway?
GENERAL:  (angry).  I spend four decades of my life selflessly serving this great nation,
killing tons of nameless people in far off lands, and you pinkos can't be bothered to learn
my name?
VICE PRESIDENT:  (to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE).  What's up his ass?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  The flag, I think.  Along with the flagpole.
GENERAL:  You must really want me to kick your teeth down your throat, huh, Ruskie?
PRESIDENT:  ... whoa ... the colors, man ... the colors ...
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I've had enough of your unfounded accusations, General.
GENERAL:  (snarling).  So what are you going to do about it, tough guy?
VICE PRESIDENT:  (gently slaps PRESIDENT a few  more times, then rushed between
GENERAL and SECRETARY OF DEFENSE).  We can worry about whose is bigger
later.  Right now we need to concentrate on saving the nation.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You're right.  How close are their ships now?
VICE PRESIDENT:  Too close to nuke.
GENERAL:  Damn.  There goes my idea.
VICE PRESIDENT:  There's millions of ships, all of them as big as a football field.  And
they're inside the moon's orbit right now.
GENERAL:  See?  He's an All-American; he likes football.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Just because he made a simile about the size of  their ships
being equivalent to football fields doesn't make him a bona fide patriot.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Actually, I think it was an analogy, not a simile.
GENERAL:  No, I think it was a metaphor.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No, a metaphor is a direct comparison of two dissimilar
things, whereas a simile is indirect, using the words "like" or "as."  And he said "as big as
a football field."  So clearly it was a simile, and not a metaphor.
GENERAL:  (condescendingly).  Oooh, aren't you just so smart, just because you have
high school and college diplomas and not just a GED.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You're telling me you're in charge of the nation's armed
forces and all you have is a GED?
VICE PRESIDENT:  You sure it wasn't an analogy?
GENERAL:  (indignantly).Yeah, that's right.  You want to make something of it?
PRESIDENT:  (chuckling).  Whoa.  That was ... amazing.  Was I flying around the room
a minute ago?
VICE PRESIDENT:  No sir.
PRESIDENT:  Oh.  Must have been a — daydream, then.  Yeah, that's it.  A daydream.
GENERAL:  I can't believe I swore my undying allegiance to a druggie.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  This is his second term, you know.  I would have thought
you'd have found out by now.
GENERAL:  No, I was too busy keeping our nation's military running smoothly to pay
any attention to this political garbage.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (sarcastically).  Yeah, good job.  Doesn't a week go by
there isn't something on the news about a soldier snapping and going on a killing spree, or
some sexual harassment cases, or —
PRESIDENT:  (shrieks).
VICE PRESIDENT:  (scornfully).  You know not to mention that around him!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  What?  What did I say to upset him?
VICE PRESIDENT: You know ... (mumble).ual ... harassment.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Oh, for the love of God.
GENERAL:  You got a problem with the way I run things?  Maybe you'd like to try
commanding over a million soldiers and see how good you do.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I would, but I've got a more important job to do.
GENERAL:  (lunges at SECRETARY OF DEFENSE; VICE PRESIDENT holds him
back).
PRESIDENT:  Stop it!  (others settle down).  Now what's the latest on this attack?
VICE PRESIDENT:  Um ...
GENERAL:  Uh ...
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Well ...
SENATOR:  (bursts in).  Mr. President, sir, the Martians are attacking!
PRESIDENT:  Yes, I know.  Did you know our Secretary of Defense didn't even know
they exist?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (sighs, puts head in hands).
SENATOR:  Well, I don't think any of us —
PRESIDENT:  So what's the latest news, Senator?
SENATOR:  They're close, sir, very close.
GENERAL:  Last time I checked, "very close" wasn't an exact number of miles, Senator. 
What kind of intelligence do you call that?
SENATOR:  More than you were ever blessed with, blood and guts.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  What do you care?  Any number above twenty-one is
beyond your comprehension anyway.
GENERAL:  Oh, I see how it is now.  Don't think you can fool me!  Senator, you and the
Secretary of Defense are Commies that were placed in our government to slow us down in
this moment of crisis!
SENATOR:  (enraged).  That's preposterous!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Do you ever think before you speak, General?
PRESIDENT:  You guys are Communists?
SENATOR:  No!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No!
PRESIDENT:  Cool.  I was one once too, some years ago.  Wait.  You guys said "No,"
didn't you?
SENATOR:  Yes.
PRESIDENT:  So you are Communists?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No.
PRESIDENT:  You're not Communists?
SENATOR:  That is correct, sir.
GENERAL:  (pointing accusatory finger in SENATOR's face).  LIAR!
PRESIDENT:  Well then, forget what I just said.
SENATOR:  Shut up, Gung Ho.
GENERAL:  You want to step outside and say that?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (groans, rubs face).
VICE PRESIDENT:  Enough!  All those who are currently Communists, please raise your
right hand now.  (holds down PRESIDENT's hand when he sees it start to go up). 
Satisfied, General?
GENERAL:  No!  I want to hear them swear a solemn oath they're not Communists.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Fine.  I'll start.  I swear to God I'm not a Communist.
SENATOR:  I swear to God I'm not a Communist.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I swear to God I'm not a Communist.
PRESIDENT:  Uh ... heh heh ...
GENERAL:  That proves absolutely nothing!  We all know Communists are Atheists, so it
wouldn't bother them to take the Lord's name in vain.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  It was your god damned idea we take the oath to begin
with!
GENERAL:  Ah ha!  Hear that?  He took the Lord's name in vain.  He must be a Commie!
SENATOR:  Oh, come on.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Thank you.  I am not a Communist.
PRESIDENT:  (thoughtfully.)  I don't know ... The General has a very convincing
argument.
VICE PRESIDENT:  No he doesn't sir.  You take the Lord's name in vain all the time,
and you're not a Communist.
PRESIDENT:  God damn right!
GENERAL:  (points accusatory finger at PRESIDENT).  COMMIE!
VICE PRESIDENT:  (exasperated).  Oh, Jesus H. Christ.
GENERAL:  (points accusatory finger at VICE PRESIDENT).  COMMIE!  (points to
SENATOR).  COMMIE!  (points to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE).  COMMIE!  I'm
surrounded by Commies!  Communists run the government.  I knew it!
PRESIDENT:  Calm down, General.
GENERAL:  Oh no!  The people of this great nation shall no longer be ruled by you
godless evil heathens!
VICE PRESIDENT:  Take a deep breath, General.
GENERAL:  You messed with the wrong people this time, you Commie pigs, and you're
going to regret it!  (storms out).
SENATOR:  (sighs).  Well, at least now maybe we'll be able to get something
accomplished.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (nodding to PRESIDENT).  Don't count on it.
PRESIDENT:  Hey, what do you mean by that?
SENATOR:  Uh ... he means that politics is a game for only the strong of heart and mind,
and even then it is still a difficult thing.
PRESIDENT:  Oh.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Shouldn't you have said "politics are," and not "politics is?"
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No, I think the word is inherently plural in all senses, like
jeans.  Ever heard of a single jean?  Of course not.  And so by the same token, there is no
politic, only politics.
VICE PRESIDENT:  I thought one gene was responsible for Down's Syndrome.  So there
you have one gene, singular.  Right?
SENATOR:  That would explain the President's condition.
PRESIDENT:  Huh?  What?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No, you're thinking of genetic genes.  I was talking about
blue jeans.
PRESIDENT:  Genetic?  What kind of messed-up name is that for a color?
VICE PRESIDENT:  Actually, sir, I think they prefer to be called African American.
SENATOR:  Don't get started with that racial stuff.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I think he believes "genetic" to be a shade, like magenta or
cyan.
PRESIDENT:  (completely innocent and ignorant).  Do I?
VICE PRESIDENT:  Stop trying to confuse the President.  It's not nice.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Mr. President, am I confusing you?
PRESIDENT:  (helplessly).  I don't know.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Stop it!  If he gets any more confused, he's liable to have another
flashback.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  And whose fault is that?
SENATOR:  (clears throat).
VICE PRESIDENT:  Yours, for confusing him!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (upset).  Mine?  Mine?  A couple decades ago, I wasn't
the one putting the acid in his mouth.  You can't blame me!
SENATOR:  (clears throat).
VICE PRESIDENT:  Sure I can.  In fact, I am.  If you'd have been a better Secretary of
Defense and forcefully drafted the President and countless others like him, he wouldn't
have traveled to foreign countries under the guise of a consciencious objector to get high
and chase women.
PRESIDENT:  Yeah.
SENATOR:  (clears throat more loudly).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You idiot, the President is only a few years my senior. 
During his college years I was still in high school.  I couldn't possibly have been the
Secretary of Defense then.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Well ... you could have written the then Secretary of Defense a
letter asking him to more ferociously attack draft dodgers.  And I'm sure such a letter from
a child would have so moved him that he would have taken direct action, allocating
enough personnel and funds to find and punish draft dodgers, the President surely would
have been among them, he'd never have the opportunity to develop his affinity for cheap
drugs and cheaper women, and we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now!
SENATOR:  (clears throat very loudly).
VICE PRESIDENT:  And don't call me an idiot!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You are an idiot!  You've got your head so far up his ass
you know what he had for breakfast.  You've been making excuses for him so long, you
don't even stop to think if they make sense anymore.  And for what?  So you'll be on the
ticket when the next election day rolls around.  Do you have any shred of self respect and
dignity left at all, or did you get rid of that baggage to make it easier to climb to the top?
VICE PRESIDENT:  (advancing menacingly).  How dare you?  Who do you think you
are?  I'll have you tossed in jail so fast —
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Shut up.  I'm tired of you and everyone else making
excuses so the blame just slides off the President and lands on someone else.  What kind of
an example are we setting for the children?  He, and everyone else, needs to start taking
responsibility for their actions, bad and not just good.
VICE PRESIDENT:  I'll start right here, right now.  I'll be glad to be responsible for you
being jailed and stripped of your title of Secretary of Defense.
SENATOR:  (clears throat very loudly).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You talk the talk, bad ass, but do you walk the walk?
VICE PRESIDENT:  Oh yeah.  (shoves SECRETARY OF DEFENSE).
SENATOR:  ENOUGH!
PRESIDENT:  Yeah.
(VICE PRESIDENT and SECRETARY OF DEFENSE back away from each other
slightly, each glaring at the other).
SENATOR:  Our nation is under imminent attack and you two are trying to start a fist
fight.  You need to put your egos aside and focus all your energy into saving us from
certain doom.
PRESIDENT:  Yeah.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  And let me guess:  You happen to have a list of reasons
why we should give top priority to saving those citizens who also just happen to be your
constituents.
SENATOR:  (defensively).  It's a coincidence, I assure you.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (sarcastically).  I bet.
PRESIDENT:  Yeah.
VICE PRESIDENT:  (motioning to himself, then the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, back
and forth).  You're an intelligent man, Senator.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Ha!
VICE PRESIDENT:  Who is in the right here?
SENATOR:  I AM!  You two need to stop bickering and start figuring out what we're
going to do.
PRESIDENT:  Yeah.
SENATOR:  Oh, shut up, you dimwit.
VICE PRESIDENT:  I'm going to watch your career go down the toilet, Secretary.  
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Go ahead and try it.  But I've got a strange feeling that in
the same week I lose my job, CNN will air a story about a certain obliging Vice President,
and some certain foreigners with money burning holes in their pockets, just dying to make
some under-the-table campaign contributions.
PRESIDENT:  (rising to feet).  Just what are you trying to say?
VICE PRESIDENT:  (shocked, outraged).  How ... how did you ... how much do you
know?
SENATOR:  I'm saying, Mr. President, that you are incompetent and incapable of
adequately performing as acting President of the United States, and if your Vice President
weren't such a spineless and dull kiss-ass, I'd recommend impeachment.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I know enough and have enough evidence to discredit you
in the eyes of the people  I have nothing that would stand up in a court of law, but on the
court of television, the people, your jury, will see your actions, and your chance for the
presidency will be destroyed.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Just who are you calling a kiss-ass, Senator?  (to SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE).  And if I ever see or read anything about a Vice President who conducted ...
questionable ... business transactions, I wouldn't' be surprised if later that day I saw heavily
censored videos of a certain former Secretary of Defense and two little Catholic school
girls on CNN.
PRESIDENT:  Who do you think you are?  (shoves SENATOR).  I'm the President of the
United States of America.  I'm the most powerful man in the world!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  They said they were eighteen!  (shoves VICE
PRESIDENT).
(as all four men prepare to engage in a brawl, enter GENERAL accompanied by two MPs,
one at each side).
GENERAL:  Here they are, men!  (observing scene).  They must be arguing about who
gets which sections of our great nation after they conquer it with Communism and divide
it among themselves to rule.  But we wont' let that happen, will we, men?
MPs:  Sir no sir!
(all four men regain their heads and composure, looking slightly embarrassed).
SENATOR:  General, why did you bring your flunkies into the Oval Office?
GENERAL:  To oust you Commies from power!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Let me guess:  In the best interest of the nation, you'll
take over as supreme commander ... only until this threat is dealt with, of course.
SENATOR:  And then you'll gladly relinquish your new-found power to a newly elected
President, right?
GENERAL:  How can you Reds know my master plan?  You must have spies
everywhere!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  No, General.  We just know what's happened in situations
like this before.  History tends to repeat itself.
SENATOR:  The only difference between you and Mussolini would be the haircut.
PRESIDENT:  (giggles).  Moose-oh-lee-nee.
GENERAL:  What are you Commies trying to do?  Subvert my men to your side by
telling them I'm worse than you?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Pretty much.
SENATOR:  Yeah.
GENERAL:  Well, it's not going to work, is it, men?
MPs:  Sir no sir!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Think about it, guys.  Under Communism, you'd both be
treated fairly and with respect.  You could sleep well at night knowing not just you but
also your beloved nation would be prospering under noble and selfless Communism.  But
with the Fascist General here in charge, he'd be sending you off to distant lands to satisfy
his Imperialistic hunger to devour lesser, weaker nations.  So would you rather be here
with your woman or dying overseas in some filthy trench because the General felt like
picking a fight with some other country?
(MPs look at each other uncertainly, then to the GENERAL, then to the SECRETARY
OF DEFENSE, and then again at each other.  Panic stricken, they flee).
SENATOR:  I never knew you were a Communist, Secretary.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I'm not, and never was.  I just figured that was a quick
and easy way to get those gun-toting idiots out of here before things got ugly.
PRESIDENT:  So you guys are Communists?
SENATOR:  No sir.
PRESIDENT:  You aren't Communists?
SENATOR:  Yes sir.
PRESIDENT:  So you are Communists?
SENATOR:  We are not Communists, sir.
PRESIDENT:  (shrieks, folds hands on desk, lies head down).
VICE PRESIDENT:  (glares at SENATOR, then goes over and pats the PRESIDENT on
the shoulder).  There, there, it will be all right.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I think we confused him again.
GENERAL:  But you haven't confused me!  I see right through your lies, you Commie!
SENATOR:  Oh, for Christ's sake, give it a rest.
GENERAL:  Shut up, you godless Red!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I really think you need less caffeine in your diet, General.
GENERAL:  And I really think you need to turn yourself in as a traitor to your country
and make it easier for everyone involved.
SENATOR:  I've had enough of your idiocy, General.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Hear, hear.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Listen, General.  We're not Communists.  But I think I
speak for all of us when I say that we're tired of trying to prove it to you.  Believe what
you want about us.  Right now, we just need to get together and formulate a plan to save
America.
SENATOR:  He's right, you know.
GENERAL:  (resignedly).  Oh ... all right.  But after we get this wonderful country of
ours out of harm's way, I'm personally going to head a Senate Committee to investigate
you all.
SENATOR:  Fine.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Fair enough.
PRESIDENT:  (rising).  Okay, so who has the best idea how we can deal with this?
(all five men begin to mutely murmur, all talking indiscernible gibberish at once at a quiet
tone).
MARTIANS I and II:  (enter from offstage).
MARTIAN I:  Think we should make ourselves visible to them?
MARTIAN II:  Indeed.  I've seen more than enough of this.
MARTIAN I:  (snaps fingers.  At the sound, all five men turn silent and stare in awe and
wonder at the Martians.  The Martians look critically upon the men).
PRESIDENT:  (trembling and afraid).  Who are you?  How did you get in here?
MARTIAN I: We are from Mars.
SENATOR:  Ah.  That explains that, then.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I told you the Martians were attacking.
PRESIDENT:  What?  I thought you said Russians.
(As the events of the last few minutes dawn on the four other men, they groan, raise their
hands in the air, exasperated, and scold the President loudly for his idiocy).
MARTIAN II:  (rolls eyes).  Ahem.  We're here from Mars, to conquer your planet. 
Hello?
(men grow quiet again).
GENERAL:  (draws sidearm and points it at Martians).  The hell you will!
MARTIAN I:  (scoffs).  Your primitive firearms cannot harm us.
GENERAL:  We'll just see about that!  (fires.  MARTIAN II clutches his gut, drops to his
keens, looks up bitterly at MARTIAN I, then collapses, dead).
MARTIAN I:  (raising hands in surrender).  Okay, you called my bluff.
GENERAL:  Ha ha!
MARTIAN I:  (putting hand to ear and concentrating).  ... What ... what's this?  ... Ah ...
gotcha ... I have some good news for you, boys.
GENERAL:  Unconditional surrender?
MARTIAN I:  Ha!  It's Zelor's fault he forgot to wear his bulletproof vest, that's why he's
dead.  Not from lack of technology on our part, but lack of intelligence and foresight on
his.  No, if anyone would be surrendering unconditionally here, it would be Earth. 
However, I've just been informed that our Supreme Commander no longer wishes to
conquer your puny little planet.
PRESIDENT:  Wooo!  (raises hands victoriously in the air).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (guardedly).  Why not?
MARTIAN I:  We've been intercepting your radio and television signals for years.  But
they were all so contradictory, we decided we needed to come here and decide four
ourselves what the truth about Earthlings is.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  And?
MARTIAN I:  Our research indicated that ours was the best nation on the planet —
GENERAL:  Oh hell yeah!  (chanting).  USA!  USA!  USA!
MARTIAN I:  — so therefore we concluded that the leaders of the best nation would be
the best of the best.  WE secretly observed your actions today as you found out about our
imminent attack, to determine what a war with Earth would be like.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  And?
MARTIAN I:  And, not trying to put too fine a point on it ... your gross ineptitude is
appalling.
SENATOR:  Ouch.
MARTIAN I:  We Martians are a very war-like people, and we love a challenging war.  It
has been determined that if we were to engage in armed conflict with Earth, our only
casualties would be from friendly fire, and we would rule Earth by the start of next week.
PRESIDENT:  But  today's Friday!
MARTIAN I:  I am well aware.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Hey, how come you look just like us?
MARTIAN I:  Actually it's you who look like us.  Life here on Earth evolved from a
Martian bacterium we accidentally left here eons ago during an exploratory mission.
SENATOR:  How do you explain the fact that you speak English?
MARTIAN I:  It's Martian which you people speak, in truth.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  You're telling me that over countless centuries we humans
have evolved exactly parallel to Martians, right down to the language?
MARTIAN I:  Believe it.
SENATOR:  Oh, come on!
MARTIAN I:  The subtle difference being that in this atmosphere, the Martian brain is
hampered.  The only difference between your average Martian and your average Earthling
is a few millennia of evolution and about 500 IQ points.
VICE PRESIDENT:  (whistles in admiration).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  So if you guys are so advanced and smart, why are you
war-like and not peaceful?
MARTIAN I:  You know how the saying goes, Mr. Secretary.  "Those who can, do." 
Why do we wage wars on other planets?  Because we can.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  (stares intensely at MARTIAN I).
MARTIAN I:  ... and it gives a helluva boost to our economy.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  I knew it!
MARTIAN I:  But there's no point in fighting a war with a planet that can't fight back. 
None of our war equipment would be destroyed or used up and need to be replaced, our
economy would stagnate, our citizens would grow discontented, and maybe even
overthrow the regime.  So your planet is spared ... for now.  We've heard there are some
real bad asses on Mercury, so that's where we're headed next.
SENATOR:  Fascinating.
VICE PRESIDENT:  Amazing.
PRESIDENT:  I don't get it.
GENERAL:  (wide-eyed and awe stricken, putting away sidearm).  Please let me come
with you and serve in your Army.
MARTIAN I:  With your intelligence, or lack thereof, General, the only thing you'd be
good for is target practice.
GENERAL:  But I feel that I was destined to be great military leader —
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Ha!
GENERAL:   — and that I can only fulfill my destiny with the Martians.
MARTIAN I:  Oh, very well.  Maybe I can make a zoo exhibit out of you, or something. 
You guys don't want him, do you?
VICE PRESIDENT:  No.
SENATOR:  Nope.
PRESIDENT:  Huh-uh.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Take him.
MARTIAN I:  It's unanimous, then.  (beckons GENERAL over.  GENERAL walks to his
side and continues to stare at him in awe).  Go along back to the ship, General, I'll be with
you in a bit.  (GENERAL exits).
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  So even though you spared us today, you may attack
some day in the future, when our technology and intelligence have improved?
MARTIAN I:  We might.  But judging by the look of things right now, we wont' be back
for a looooooong time.  (exits).
SENATOR:  I don't know if we should be happy we've been spared from total annihilation
...
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  ... or very unhappy that the best we have to offer simply
isn't good enough.
PRESIDENT:  Hell, guys, loosen up.  We just saved the world!
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:  Because we are, at our very core, self-centered,
egotistical, unintelligent and immature.
SENATOR:  We're supposed to represent the best qualities of our people.  But look at
how we acted today ...
PRESIDENT:  I don't wanna hear it.  (flips a switch at his desk.  Dance music begins
playing).  It's party time!  (SECRETARY OF DEFENSE and SENATOR shuffle offstage, 
heads shaking and bowed, disgusted and distraught. PRESIDENT gets up on top of his
desk and dances.  VICE PRESIDENT stand at tries very hard to grasp what the others
were so upset about.  Curtain).