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ATLAS SNUBBED (or, The Big Book of Insulted
Countries)
All poems here were written by members of the alt.fan.dave_barry
newsgroup.
Insulting Burkina Faso
(aka Upper Volta)
Silly Burkina Faso
Formerly Upper Volta
The roads are pretty crappy
Even for a Toyota!
They rarely take credit
The phone rates're sky-high;
I even bet it's really hard
To get a decent piece of pie!
Register with your local embassy
Photo may be required!
Good luck getting more cash
Should it need to be wired.
So why go out of your way
To get to Burkina Faso?
Might as well sit at home
And write the vacation off as a loss. Oh.
I TOLD you I was really good at being really
bad!!!
--Jen
Burkina Faso II
Burkina Faso--
Let's not forget it!
It's not one we think of a lot.
It's landlocked and dry
With very few T.V.s
Princess Di vacations there. NOT!
This is not much of a poem
But what do you expect
For a Nation that all have forgot.
--Sheena, who should stick to plagiarism
An Awful Ode to Burundi
The African nation Burundi
Was visited by the shoe man, Al Bundy.
He came to despair,
They'd never heard of him there.
Said he, "Sic transit gloria mundi."
--Hmmm, not an ode, is it? Also, not very
insulting. IMO, it
actually speaks well of them if they've never
heard of Al. Oh well,
I tried.
--David Streeter
Insulting Cameroon
I wish that I could someday soon
Pay a visit to Cameroon.
Near Nigeria, Congo and Chad
When I hit my finger I say something bad.
Like "Yaounde!" which, in no time at all
You'll observe to be Cameroon's capital.
But now I must insult this African land
Because that's the Usenet thread here at hand.
Cameroon's little-known, so it's perfect for hidin'
So let's buy a one-way fare for our own Eric Seiden.
--John I. Carney
Insulting Canada (the short form)
I don't need to resort to poetry
to insult Canada. I only need
one word:
Quebec.
--David Streeter
Insulting Canada (the long form)
Canada, Canada, land of the snow,
And not much else might I say,
The rain, well it pours, and the wind it doth blow,
And no one can go out and play.
The worst has to be the Canadian beer,
Which is the hardest to take,
'Cause when boredom escaping, you need it I fear,
(Though I'd rather dump it in a lake.)
With your acres of land, and oodles of space
You still attract only a few;
The bears are the ones that still own the place,
Hibernation--they know what to do.
Since I find no more insults handy,
I'll leave you here with one from John Candy:
Beware all Canadians, you ought to know
We have ways of making you say the letter "O".
--Uma Karmarkar
Insulting the Congo
Bingo, bango bongo, I'm happy it's the Congo
For the name falls lightly on za ear.
For visiting Harare, though, I must say
That country is wrongo, so I hear.
The Rhodes between are dusty, and my atlas, trusty
Says that there's not any possible way
Of transliteration of the old nation
Of Belgian Congo to Zimbabwe.
--Frank Palmer
Insulting Djibouti (1)
If you look for lushest beauty
Pass on Africa's Djibouti;
Perched near drought-starved Ethiopia
It's desolation drains the hope of ya!
But if by there you chance to prance,
Remember it belonged to France.
Its livelihood, I'm afraid,
Is made of Froggy foreign aid!
And be prepared, be not moronic,
Take care for plates described tectonic;
A disco you won't need to quake,
And shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake Djibouti! shake Djibouti!
--Sanford M. Manley
Insulting Djibouti (2)
Don't ever go down to Djibouti,
The people there are all quite snooty.
Their strategic location
Makes superpower frustration,
And the food leaves one feeling quite tooty.
--Thank'ee much, JPB
Insult to England
If you plan to take a trip
And sail across the pond,
Stiffen up your upper lip,
In England you'll be connned.
They'll try to sell you history
And Royal Family trees,
But all you'll get from England
Is a case of Lime(y) disease.
The British take what's not nailed down--
They wield an iron hand;
But all they've kept so far are parts
Of northern Ireland.
Stay out of England, it's a bust.
You'll never find a friend.
Besides, you just might lose your head
And look like Anne Boleyn.
--Christin Keck
Porno for Pyros Burning England
Great Britain's a shame,
It's so goddam lame.
Wish I had a flame
I'd burn it down like it's a fun game.
--guillermo letona
It's not great, but I tried!
One Dreadful Ode to Finland
So many places rhyme with Finland,
Poland, Scotland, Ice and Ireland,
Newfoundland and our New England,
Netherlands and wee New Zealand.
The Finnish flag is funny to me,
It looks just like a sideways Tee.
The capital is named Helsinki
What a surprise, it rhymes with tweenkie.
Finland is near the great Baltic Sea,
A name from the game Monopoly.
This poem ends with a Finnish door-hinge--
Another word that rhymes with orange.
--Ok, now is everyone happy? Robert
Stevenson
Insulting Gabon
Gabon is
Not a name for civilized folk,
Which, of course, they're not.
A people called Fangs
Call Gabon their home.
Upon hearing that, I thought:
With a name like Fangs
Are they a country of snakes?
Or motorcycle gangs?
Or vampires in need of some braces?
If that is the case
Then I can only say,
Gabon?
Dear me! Goodness gracious!
--Sheena
Greek Tweak
A salute to you Hellenia
The country goes back ten millenia.
The aged Grecians
Pre-date Phoenicians
Hell of a place, I'm not kiddin' ya.
Greek language is something to know;
'Nay' means yes, 'O-hey' is no
The letters are quite dandy.
And come in quite handy
Driving around fraternity row.
On old Olympus' towering tops
A Finn and a Greek viewed Spanish hops.
What they tried to do
Was learn to brew
But Greek beers are horrible flops.
Worse than beer is their Retsina wine
Distribution should be a crime.
No one deserves it
Please never serve it
It's like drinking red turpentine.
On Acropolis sits Parthenon
Looks decayed as an old barn.
Crumbling to bits
It's really the pits
If you skip it there's no harm.
Further south is the Temple of Sounion
Visited once by Lord Byron.
It's a matter of fact
He never went back
Can't blame him, it stinks like an onion.
Greek gods are ready to strike--
Neptune, Ares, Minerva and Nike.
The Big Cheese is Zeus
Who could be named Bruce
Never Mediterranean he didn't like.
Nick left Greece for his fortune to find
But soon nearly lost his mind
Nick became homesick
Went back real quick
Couldn't leave his brothers behind.
In closing this insult to Greece,
Remember to go there in peace.
Just ask the Greek sheep
Who say not a peep
When their white wool is being fleeced.
--Robert Stevenson, AKA Worst Poet on the
Net
In Guatemala
In Guatemala
Guerrillas are hard to bear
Oh boy, do they scare.
In Guatemala
Women have baskets for hair
No Nexxus hair-care.
In Guatemala
The Mayan temples are there
A big set of stairs.
In Guatemala
People speak spanish down there
Adios Dave Barr(y).
--guillermo letona
P.S.- I could have thought of more like: In
Guatemala Summer here is winter there The climate is fair.
Insulting Iraq
If you really wish to get off track,
Visit Iraq.
You probably shouldn't wear khaki
If you wanna be an Iraqi,
'Cause they dress mostly in black
In Iraq.
No computers! No one is a hack-
Er in Iraq.
They do eat a lot of jackal
In Iraq. All
Of their leaders are megalomaniacish
In Iraq. Wish
You were somewhere back
Home? Stay out of Iraq.
--Christin Keck
Insulting Japan
Japan's a country unendura-
Ble. Fried eel is called tempura;
They eat the most disgusting dishes,
Too much rice and poison fishes.
The movies all have giant lizards
Ripping out each others' gizzards.
Kabuki plays are high-pitched, whiny.
Hotel rooms are really tiny.
Men are sexist, women geishas.
They ought to put their kids on leashes.
Their rock'n'roll just sucks--it's pokey
All their music's karaoke.
They can't even tell you "no,"
But I can. I repeat--don't go.
--Christin Keck
Insulting Lichtenstein
If rephrehensible is what you wish to define,
Then you should really take a look at Lichtenstein.
The place is about as cuddly as a porcupine,
The weather isn't warm, it's Alpine;
To be there is like drinking warm brine
On your breakfast cereal. You'll whine
And try to leave, and that would be just fine,
Except that they don't even have an airline
And you will have to travel to the coastline
And take a ship--which is asinine,
Because they also have no shoreline.
So if you get invited, please decline.
--Christin Keck
Another shot at Lichtenstein
Once I really Leichtenstein
Thought that country really fine.
But then Rick Haan wanted a whine
To make us "dis" Lichtenstein.
--Fierce (I amb what I amb)Rajah of All Negative
Karma, Frank Palmer
Insulting Norway (1)
Vhat's da deal vit Norway?
De country dat's shaped like a gjourd.
Teeming mountains and dales vit Trolls, eh?
And vhat da hell's a fjord?
In vouldn't be such a bad
place
If not for all de Norwegians,
Vit rosy cheeks and solemn
face,
Reminds of Wisconsin Collegians.
Four point one million Norse.
Vat da HELL ver dey tinking?
It's frickin' cold up der, of course,
Nuttin to do but drinking.
The former king vas Olav,
(Dat's also de name of my dog.)
Part German, Part Danish, Part Slav,
(Jeff was the name of his frog.)
De capital city is Oslo,
Adjacent to ol' Skagerrak,
Too cold even for Haagen Daz flow
And de odor could gag a yak.
When dining in Lillehammer
Try lutefisk vit aquavit.
Tummy vill torque and brain villa clahmmer
Vit de taste of stinky Norse feet.
And if you travel vay up nort
All de vay ta Trondheim,
Expect to see a cold Arctic port,
And pro'ly even a blond dame.
And vhat's da deal vit da Lapps?
I hear dey sleep vit Reindeer,
Ya, sure, de're merry ol' Chaps,
But dere behavior's a lil' bit queer.
Ode to Norway(2)
Don't come on down to Norway
The Land of the Midnight Sun.
Don't go where the Norwegians stay,
You're likely to freeze your buns.
The language I won't speak of,
(What the hell is a "landet?")
Their currency is useless fluff,
With krones, one cannot bet.
This place from where the Vikings came
Is mostly without purpose.
The Danes just didn't want the claim--
It's just not worth the fuss.
--Joseph Sutedja
Paraguay, oh Paraguay,
I wish I had stayed far away.
Like sitting down in curds, or whey,
I hate the place called Paraguay.
It's tiny, lumpy, odd and green,
The dumbest country ever seen.
The people there are nasty, mean,
And generally look unclean.
I wish there'd be a big monsoon
To drown this place. So opportune!
Unfortunately, it's immune.
I will not go back there too soon.
--Christin Keck
Commentary on Paraguay
Ok, Ok, I'll give you the last line, but Paraguayans
are super-nice,
and Paraguay is actually quite large. It's
roughly the size of California,
but like most South American countries it
looks weensy next to
Brazil. And it's mostly RED. May I humbly
suggest:
It's average-sized, and odd, and red.
They have this wacky dried-up bread.
They smoke their Lucky Strikes 'till dead.
The kids have to the cities fled.
--Nicole the Wonder Nerd
Romania--in a different vein
If you travel and you're hungry and you want
to get a bite,
I do not suggest Romania, especially at night.
There are lots and lots of restaurants, but this
fact they will conceal:
When you try to place your order, you may find
that you're the meal.
Never order any liquor, never order any meat;
You will get a bloody
mary, and blood
sausage for your treat.
They won't serve any breakfast if the sun is
shining yet;
If you ask them for a napkin, you will get a
tourniquet.
You can't get a good dessert there--nope! Not
even if you scream,
'Cause no matter what you order it will come
with clotted
cream.
All the maitre 'd's and waiters wear long capes
with high stiff collars,
And if you should try to leave them tips, they
will not take your dollars;
But if friends with them you wish to be, (to
get the choicest table,)
Just slit your wrist and leave a drop (or more)
if you are able.
If Dracula says, "Let's do lunch!," don't take
the bus or train--
Drive only on main
arteries, or lunch will be in vein!
--Christin Keck
Insulting Sweden
Sverige, Sverige, Sverige...
I've come not to praise, but to bury ya.
Platitudes, I can think nary a
Good thing to say about Sverige.
Of all the places to roam,
From Goteburg to Stockholm,
All the places you Swedes call your home,
Well, frankly they all reek of loam.
The worst car I ever rode-a,
Well, I'd have to say it's a Skoda.
The transmission it just a-blowed-a,
And I ended up getting it towed-a.
Your 99 percent literacy rate
Is no reason to congratulate.
Don't you think it better helps ya
If you would talar ni engelska?
Sweden, oh Sweden, oh Sweden...
Enough with the fish you are feedin'.
What other mistakes are we eatin'?
In a country only good to be peed in?
Oh, best wishes Persson, Prime Minister;
I hope that Sweden is less sinister.
I hope things for you go calme'
Than they did for dear Olaf Palme.
And oh, King Carl Sixteen,
You know I don't wish to be mean,
But what good things have we seen
That weren't done by the other fifteen?
Oh, I'm sure one day that I oughta
Go sailing down the Klara Gota,
But unless the weather gets hotte'
Well, I just don't think I will bothe'.
But despite all the time that it rains,
And the other reasons I complains,
The one thing that this country sustains
Is, it sure beat the shit out of the Danes.
--J.S.C. (King Olav's Frog)
Insulting the Ukraine
Oh Ukraine, My Ukraine
Having ancestors from Ukraine
Can really sometimes be a pain.
When a part of the Soviet rat race,
Nobody'd ever heard of the place.
And for many years before that,
It was in the Russian empire.
If you go there, hold onto your hat;
Chernobyl will set your hair on fire.
The capital is a place called Kiev,
A city that runs through your mind like a sieve.
Down through the middle flows the river Dnieper;
Take a drink, then meet the grim reaper.
Here's a fact on which you can bet your ass:
There's a substance they'd think neato keeno.
Ukraine's major product is natural gas;
I'd like the concession for Beano.
--David "Auntiespam" Streeter
Insulting
the United
States
The U.S.A. I do daresay
It should not be exempt.
Every day in every way
They raise my full contempt.
Pests I detests from East to West
And from Honolulu to Juneau,
And yes, I guess it would be best,
To include Puerto Rico.
Your interstates I must berate,
And all your back roads, too,
And so this date to every state
I thumb my nose at you.
Your TV shows and mindless prose,
They are such offal waste;
It blows! It goes to those I suppose
With no discerning taste.
Of course this discourse from the Great White North
Has a little caveat to do, too:
While you sent blather like "Family Matters,"
We sent William Shatner to you!
--J.S.C. (Jeff Slams Country)
Insulting Upper Volta (or Burkina
Faso)
If you come from Upper Volta you must have a lot of shame,
'Cause this teeny-tiny country had to go and change its name.
It's now called Burkina Faso, and a dumber name there ain't;
It's for sure whoever named it had a minimum restraint.
'Course, the rumors 'round the Niger say that Volta got "in Dutch,"
So it had it's phone unlisted so we couldn't keep in touch.
But that wasn't all the story, no, it also had to move;
And it hoped the situation would do nothing but improve.
But it didn't, more's the pity--so it had to change its name.
Now the former Upper Volta plays Burkina Faso's game.
And the name Burkina Faso is a really stupid pick!
It's a name that makes me shudder, it's a name that makes me sick.
--Christin Keck
Avoid Wales
A carbuncle on the Mother land,
Beaches are just oil-stained sand;
It's one huge unsightly coal tip
Mixed with the smell of soggy sheep dip.
Yaki Dah and Daffyd Jones
Send a chill right through the bones.
Too many Y's and the double L--
No drink on Sunday--Bloody hell!
--Ian, now wishing he was somewhere else
Avoiding Wales For a Much Worse
Reason
The level of Horror that Wales entails,
Makes you hurt like a lash from a cat-o-nine tails;
For the poisonous air from which tourist ails,
Comes from the crap out from under pigs tails.
It makes the poor visitor vomit out his entrails.
So don't cross the ocean, and take down those sails--
For the man that travels there truly fails.
--Needles S. Ash
Insulting Zaire
The stupidest name for a country
Has got to be that of Zaire.
It doesn't sound much like you spell it,
Which hardly appears to be faire.
This country has no style whatever,
No sweetness, no soul and no flaire.
And no matter what name you call it,
You'll just wish that you were Elsewhaire.
If I had a whole bunch of money,
If I were a real billionaire,
I'd buy up this country and dump it
From a plane flying high in the aire.
--Christin Keck
(Please don't let our poems offend you.
No harm is meant. We consider no place sacred, and we're including
ourselves.)
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