PLEASE, SAVE US!
(Or: How To Use a Big Chainsaw For Fun And Profit)
ONE: IT'S ANGST TIME!!
By Davide Briganti
DISCLAIMER: All the X-Men depicted in this story are copyright of the
Marvel guys, and are used without their permission. No profits are made by
posting this story, which is written only for entertainment purposes.
"The Insane Guy" is a copyrights of me......well, actually 'IS' me, or at
least a parody of me.
* * *
Charles Xavier slammed his fist on the table almost at the same time Gambit
slammed his forehead against the concrete wall for the tenth time or so.
"Gambit!" he called out "Will you please stop this foolish behavior?"
Tears rolled down the Cajun's side as he turned to face his mentor.
"I can't stand it anymore.....I-JUST CAN'T STAND IT! 'Dose jerks are ruinin'
our lives, la mienne in particular!" he uttered in a broken voice.
Charles raised an eyebrow. "Honestly, I couldn't care less about your feelings,
but you're going to ruin the wall. So, stop it."
"Stop it?" Gambit hissed in reply "STOP IT?! Rogue left me in a coma after ta
kin' away most of my memories, includin' somdin' REALLY nasty I've done (And
I still don't know what dis is) just beacuse one lil' kiss, and by the time
she returns, she sticks up wid MAGNETO, who's now amnesiac.....AND I HAVE TO
STOP?!! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDIN'!!!"
"Hey, Gumbo, ya're not th' only one in trouble, ya know. At least, ya're not
a half-animal, ape-faced, almost-powerless lad. Maggie took off my adamantium,
then Genesis tries to put it back into place but he fails, I lose my sanity
an' end up having bone claws with which I can't even pick my teeth....do I
have ta go on?"
"NO THANKS, THAT'S ENOUGH!" everyone around him replied.
"'Complaining mode', eh?" Betsy said as she entered the room.
"Yeah. Things worsened even more. We're near the no-return point, Betts." Ice
man replied while opening a sugar bag.
"You bet we are. This Crimson Dawn story is REALLY proving my nerves, you know."
"At least you're not in an affair with one who has at least twice your age!"
Storm interrupted, her hair gracefully swinging from side to side as she shook
her head.
Bishop smiled. "Someone up there must have been drunk the moment he wrote THIS
down!"
She grinned in return. "Really? Let's talk about Legionquest, then."
The tattooed mutant slapped his palm on his forehead. "Oh, ple-e-e-e-ase, don't
make me remember. I had to make Charles' son stab me with a psi-blade charged
enough to take Jean over.....permanently! I had headaches for the rest of
the month, not to mention time.trave and all the Apocalypse Age stuff...."
"Ooh, poor boy." Beast echoed from the near med-lab. "I dare remembering you
I was buried alive behind a wall by a ill-tempered alter ego who lived with
two of the most powerful telepaths on the face of this mudball whom NEVER
discovered his true nature, and the cure for Legacy has not yet been found
despite my desperate researches and the fact I nearly blew up my nervous sy
stem in doing so."
"Okay, Hank, good point. I...." Archangel begun, and everyone turned to face
him.
"SHUT UP, YOU!!!!" they screamed.
"HEY!" he replied "Why everyone can complain about his current state and I
can't?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE WHINING SINCE APOCALYPSE TOOK THOSE LOUSY FEATHER-THINGIES
OFF YOUR BACK TO PUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE USEFUL IN THEIR PLACE! THAT'S
WHY!!"
Grumbling, Warren Worthington III kicked a nearby chair. "Not fair." he whis
pered in an anger-filled voice.
"Yes, it is!" everyone replied.
"Okay, okay, folks. I know you're angry. But what can we do?" Xavier interrup
ted, trying to prevent another argument of the 'I hate the Writers' series.
"HEY! Wait a minute!" Bobby snapped his fingers as his pupils lightened up "I
've got the solution!"
"That is?" the rest of the X-Bunch queried.
"We may contact someone who lives in their reality and convince him to make
them stop toying with our lives. Pretty simple, huh?"
Everyone smiled, and their smiles broadened as seconds passed. "To Cerebro!!"
they yelled as they headed towards the computer room.
***
Everyone held his breath as the supercomputer known as Cerebro scanned the
thousand comics and fan-fic readers and writers to select the One, the indivi
dual who could stop the disastrous ongoing of their lives. An ominous music
was coming out from nowhere as the image of a face slowly appeared on the
screen. As the selection process ended, everyone looked at the stats and the
name blinking under the glass surface.
The music's volume raised as a group of X-Men begun to read in a more and
more triumphant tone:
"Ferocious as Wolverine.....Fearless as Daredevil.....Bloodthirsty as Sabreto
oth.....Depressed as Archangel......and most completely insane!"
The music ended in a crescendo as all the X-Men concluded: "It's him, The Insa
ne Guy!!!"
"Ok, X-Men. Stage One: First Contact is about to begin. Ororo and Jean, go pre
pare yourselves. We all depend on you." Xavier called out.
Both women looked desperately at him. "Charles, why US? Why not Betsy, for in
stance? I thought we were doing this to free the womens of this group from the
chains of the 'hot babe in a skimpy costume' stereotype!" Jean moaned in a last
attempt to make Prof.X change his mind, who sighed and shook his head. "I know
Jean. But we MUST bring him to our side, and Cerebro tells me he has....uh, a
fondness for you two. So, if you play your cards right....."
"Oui. After all, you just have t' shift his thoughts right between his legs,
non?" Gambit replied, half-laughing.
"Oh, very funny" Storm said with a kind smile and a full-force lightning bolt
charged on her hand. Remy gulped down a couple of times and left the room,
followed by the two X-Women.
Roughly fifteen minutes after, Phoenix and Storm returned from the dressing
room, dressed in a way that made every male present in the room drool. Betsy
appeared behind them, grinning. "That should _definitely_ do it."
Without any more words, Xavier pressed a button and sent the two women into
their target's reality. "From now on, it's all in their hands." he concluded.
"'Hands', Chuckie? Nah. Try other body parts!" Wolverine replied, and everyone
laughed.
** END OF PART ONE **
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